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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dealing with partner's nasty ex girlfriend.

532 replies

chloeloveshim · 03/01/2011 22:44

Partner and I have been dating for 9 months. He moved in with my DS, 7 and myself quite quickly and AFAIC, it's going okay.
I know my partner has some issues surrounding feelings of insecurity, but most of his issues were caused by her treating him so badly for years. He also finds dealing with some situations difficult, (authority figures telling him what to do) but he's really trying to make good changes and we are working on these problems together.

One of the situations he has struggled to deal with is that of his ex girlfriend.
Partner and ex girlfriend have a 2yr old DD and tbh she is crazy!! A real loon.

She made it difficult for him to see DD, but since I met him, XGF took him back to court Shock and agreed to let him see DD at weekends.
XGF has since behaved very oddly and I'm not sure where we go from here.
A selection of her behaviour is: Attempting to tell me he is a thief/liar/cheat. Partner has told me XGF has begged him to go back to her, so I can only assume she is trying to put me off, but it hasn't worked, I'm prepared to stick by him. Xmas Smile
She has told me my DS probably hates him (DS adores him) and that he will only get me into lots of debt (I pay my own way, unlike herself.)
She complains Partner doesn't pay maintenance (He has not found a job that has suited him for long enough to pay) then she said he stole money from her. (Where will it end?)
Partner and I noticed DD had a few bruises on her body, her inside lip was cut, and she had a cut on her head, so we reported XGF to Social Services. They have carried out a full investigation. Partner doesn't trust them though (you hear the stories in the news of them getting it wrong) so Partner also made a report to the doctor about DD development.
Now nutty XGF wont disclose who DD's optician is, even though Partner has every right to know.
We have resorted to refusing to respond to any form of communication, unless it is through a solicitor, because of the abuse she gives us on picking up DD. (we do not have a solicitor at present due to financial constraints) and XGF solicitor has costed and closed the case.
Her abuse is mainly to tell me to keep out of it. I am just trying to support my Partner. She has led him a rough ride, and I am more than happy to help him.
I do not class myself as getting involved, I am just supporting my Partner as best as I can. (He would like full custody and I believe he is a good dad to DD) I have also written a few letters to XGF (from Partner of course, but he is terrible at letter writing), have answered his mobile when he does not want to speak to her, and we chose to put her hair in French Plaits, which Nutty XGF says is too much too young. Confused DD looked beautiful.

I don't think XGF is a good mother. She shouts and swears in front of DD, doesn't appear to care about her very much, and smokes. (I have seen all of this with my own eyes btw).

It has got to the point now where XGF will not speak, and we do not speak to her, but it is a strain. Obviously, there are day to day things we need to know, especially when DD comes to ours, and although we have asked XGF to respect our request not to make direct verbal contact, or telephone either of us, she simply refuses to do anything. I have written to XGF, and she is being churlish and childish to refuse to reply. (Another example of how she doesn't care for DD much at all.)

How do we proceed from here? We can't afford a solicitor, but she is taking our written word to the ludicrous extreme.

What do we do to make her understand that we will not tolerate her abusiveness and total lies about Partner, and to see it is for the best for the forseeable future for Partner to see as much of DD as she does. (Partner very hurt about this.)
We have proposed to her in writing that DD lives with us for a week, then her, and hopefully that will get the ball rolling, but again, she has not responded to our request.

How do I get through to someone so stubborn and unreasonable?
I want the best possible life for her DD, and I know that is with me and my Partner.

Maybe I am just ranting, I just wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom for me and my Partner??

OP posts:
LisaD1 · 03/01/2011 23:33

I think the EXGF is being pretty reasonable to you and you "D" P. I would like to think I too am a fairly reasonable person but I can tell you now if some new bint came along and tried to take over one of my DD's I would rip her fucking head off and play footy with it!

If this is not a wind up I truly feel very sorry for the EXGF's DD - that's right, she is the DD of your Partner and his EXGF, 9 months of shagging him does not make you her mother.

pink4ever · 03/01/2011 23:33

OMG why is anyone still buying this shite.ITS A FUCKING WIND UP!!!(the clue was in all the santa smileys in last post0.

wheresmejumper · 03/01/2011 23:33

Ok now I see...a wind up(or if not your fucked-up)..never mind...

TheCrackFox · 03/01/2011 23:35

you moved a man you barely know into you and your son's house and yet you criticize your DP's ex's mothering skills. Hmm

scottishmummy · 03/01/2011 23:35

are you evevn reading same post mama.she is trying to take a wee girl away from her mum,to come live a new life with feckless father.shes been on scene 9mth and demonises the ex and her parenting skills.made malicious allegations to ss

HerBeatitude · 03/01/2011 23:35

I didn't toilet train my DS until he was 2 and a half years old.

He wasn't ready till then.

DD was 18 months.

Children develop at different rates.

Luckily, no-one reported me to SS.

What does "problems with authority" mean?

Does it mean he gets himself arrested regularly, or that he gets sacked from jobs because he's not socialised enough to follow instructions without resentment?

Either way, what sort of role model is he for your seven year old DS, Chloe?

emmyloulou · 03/01/2011 23:35

This has got to be a wind up it's so cliche.

Stupid fucker who is hated by everyone, fools some stupid girl that's it's all them and he is mizunderoods innit.

Then stupid girl knows him like forver and ever whilst spending 24/7 on benefits innit.

Trying to be a smug married, chav, benefit, maintenance doging, red flagging, loony control freak.

In before the ex comes on. Are you the one who did this with the BIL shagging threads too? Where the SIL, then DW made another thread about ohhhhhhhh 2 weeks later........

bubbleOseven · 03/01/2011 23:35

Do you know what, i'm more offended that this is a wind-up than had it been true?

What a horrible thing to lie about

midori1999 · 03/01/2011 23:36

Sorry, but I can't stop giggling at 'cock lodger', but how true...

Guess what Chloe? You sound exactly like my Mum, who has a string of loser boyfriends. She wouldn't listen to anyone that they were useless/would steal from her/were wasters/were lying about their exes etc. It ALL turned out to be true in the end, it took ten years for the last one to show his true colours, although they were apparent before then, my Mum was blind to it. She only realised what he was really like when she had to go for the AIDS test...

Janos · 03/01/2011 23:36

Hmmm, I wonder what the outcome of the SS investigation was? Oh no, child with bruises, must be an abuse case Hmm.

Whether it's a wind up or not, awful thread.

Women like OP do exist though - sad state of affairs all round, especially for the children caught in the middle of all this immature point scoring.

Vallhala · 03/01/2011 23:37

"Partner has no one, and doesn't get on very well at all with his family (apart from his nan) so had nowhere to go."

Shhhh. Can you hear that noise?

Thy're alarm bells dearie.

"XGF has run out of electric before,"

I'm not surprised! The lazy fucker who is the father to her child is leaving her to support that child unaided.

"XGF became increasingly loony after DD was born, Partner stayed with her because he was trying to make it work"

mamatomany · 03/01/2011 23:39

Yes but we know she won't take the child from it's mum don't we it just won't happen, but how many times do we read on mumsnet if you've nothing to hide from SS you've nothing to fear Hmm
The DP does sound like a twat, the mother doesn't sound like she'll win any awards either though and the main concern from the crowd is why the man hasn't got his wallet out.

Shimmerysilverglitterybaubles · 03/01/2011 23:39

Do we know who actually coined the term "cock lodger"? Was it some one on here?

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/01/2011 23:39

Oh Chloe Chloe Chloe. He really has done a job on you hasn't he?

You are shacked up with a man who is unable to maintain an adult relationship with anyone, his Ex, his daughter, his family, you.

You are the latest in a very long line of people who he got to step in, take over his responsibilities and will shortly dump and vilify when you wake up.

The saddest thing is that you have allowed him to get involved with your DS. Your son is really going to hurt when (not if) this goes pear-shaped.Sad

StrawberryMouse · 03/01/2011 23:40

Oh, I see. Extra tax credits. Well, that's fine then! Grin

snowmama · 03/01/2011 23:40

Listen to these ladies here ..

You have a nasty sounding,lazy, financially incompetetant (sp?) cockloger who will fuck your and (most importantly) your son's life.

Stay away from other women's children because I can assure you they are not better off with you.

zookeeper · 03/01/2011 23:41

You need to back off and he needs to start paying maintenance. I feel for her.

SyriaSplack · 03/01/2011 23:41

Wind up. Got to be.

If it isn't - OP, you and your partner sound awful.

scottishmummy · 03/01/2011 23:41

mama are you being obtuse.yes no maintenance is v significant.is measure of how responsible man is.and the new girlfriend seems to excuse his abhorrent behaviours and coludes with wanting to take her child

pooka · 03/01/2011 23:41

Sorry mamatomany, it's late. I've read and reread your post a few times - are you saying that on the face of the op's posts she is NBU?

Because if the posts are not some weird twisted fabrication (and that's a long shot) I sure as hell can see nothing reasonable in

Enabling a bloke to be work shy and not to pay adequate maintenance for his child

Refusing to talk to exp apart from through a solicitor, then not hiring a solicitor Hmm

Calling ss on the basis of some bruises and THEN reporting the exp to the gp when ss pbvously satisfied.

Taking over the toilet training of someone else's child, who has known the op for 9 months if that.

TheCrackFox · 03/01/2011 23:42

Chloe - the reason none of his family like him is because they know him far, far, far better than you.

btbetty · 03/01/2011 23:42

Surely this can't be real - if it is I feel very sad for the kids in this situation.

EricNorthmansMistress · 03/01/2011 23:42

mamatomany
you seem to be reading a different thread. SS did not follow up the referral. The main concern from 'the crowd' is that this woman is overly involved in this child's relationship with her feckless father who refuses to support his daughter, and the fact that this woman wants to steal the child, basically, based on what seems to be fuck all. The mum is hostile (wouldn't you be?) smokes, shouts and hasn't toilet trained a 2 year old. Hmm

bubbleOseven · 03/01/2011 23:43

does your boyfriend smoke?

and

Whereabouts on the childs body were the bruises?

mamatomany · 03/01/2011 23:43

No, I agree it's a wind up mostly likely but the reaction just makes me laugh, in comparison to what some other poor sods have put up with on AIBU.