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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dealing with partner's nasty ex girlfriend.

532 replies

chloeloveshim · 03/01/2011 22:44

Partner and I have been dating for 9 months. He moved in with my DS, 7 and myself quite quickly and AFAIC, it's going okay.
I know my partner has some issues surrounding feelings of insecurity, but most of his issues were caused by her treating him so badly for years. He also finds dealing with some situations difficult, (authority figures telling him what to do) but he's really trying to make good changes and we are working on these problems together.

One of the situations he has struggled to deal with is that of his ex girlfriend.
Partner and ex girlfriend have a 2yr old DD and tbh she is crazy!! A real loon.

She made it difficult for him to see DD, but since I met him, XGF took him back to court Shock and agreed to let him see DD at weekends.
XGF has since behaved very oddly and I'm not sure where we go from here.
A selection of her behaviour is: Attempting to tell me he is a thief/liar/cheat. Partner has told me XGF has begged him to go back to her, so I can only assume she is trying to put me off, but it hasn't worked, I'm prepared to stick by him. Xmas Smile
She has told me my DS probably hates him (DS adores him) and that he will only get me into lots of debt (I pay my own way, unlike herself.)
She complains Partner doesn't pay maintenance (He has not found a job that has suited him for long enough to pay) then she said he stole money from her. (Where will it end?)
Partner and I noticed DD had a few bruises on her body, her inside lip was cut, and she had a cut on her head, so we reported XGF to Social Services. They have carried out a full investigation. Partner doesn't trust them though (you hear the stories in the news of them getting it wrong) so Partner also made a report to the doctor about DD development.
Now nutty XGF wont disclose who DD's optician is, even though Partner has every right to know.
We have resorted to refusing to respond to any form of communication, unless it is through a solicitor, because of the abuse she gives us on picking up DD. (we do not have a solicitor at present due to financial constraints) and XGF solicitor has costed and closed the case.
Her abuse is mainly to tell me to keep out of it. I am just trying to support my Partner. She has led him a rough ride, and I am more than happy to help him.
I do not class myself as getting involved, I am just supporting my Partner as best as I can. (He would like full custody and I believe he is a good dad to DD) I have also written a few letters to XGF (from Partner of course, but he is terrible at letter writing), have answered his mobile when he does not want to speak to her, and we chose to put her hair in French Plaits, which Nutty XGF says is too much too young. Confused DD looked beautiful.

I don't think XGF is a good mother. She shouts and swears in front of DD, doesn't appear to care about her very much, and smokes. (I have seen all of this with my own eyes btw).

It has got to the point now where XGF will not speak, and we do not speak to her, but it is a strain. Obviously, there are day to day things we need to know, especially when DD comes to ours, and although we have asked XGF to respect our request not to make direct verbal contact, or telephone either of us, she simply refuses to do anything. I have written to XGF, and she is being churlish and childish to refuse to reply. (Another example of how she doesn't care for DD much at all.)

How do we proceed from here? We can't afford a solicitor, but she is taking our written word to the ludicrous extreme.

What do we do to make her understand that we will not tolerate her abusiveness and total lies about Partner, and to see it is for the best for the forseeable future for Partner to see as much of DD as she does. (Partner very hurt about this.)
We have proposed to her in writing that DD lives with us for a week, then her, and hopefully that will get the ball rolling, but again, she has not responded to our request.

How do I get through to someone so stubborn and unreasonable?
I want the best possible life for her DD, and I know that is with me and my Partner.

Maybe I am just ranting, I just wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom for me and my Partner??

OP posts:
weedle · 03/01/2011 23:03

"He has not found a job that has suited him for long enough to pay"

Seriously? How sad for him, I'm glad everyone who pays for their children loves their job and cant wait to get up in the morning to go to work!

"We have resorted to refusing to respond to any form of communication, unless it is through a solicitor, because of the abuse she gives us on picking up DD. (we do not have a solicitor at present due to financial constraints) and XGF solicitor has costed and closed the case"

"It has got to the point now where XGF will not speak, and we do not speak to her, but it is a strain. Obviously, there are day to day things we need to know, especially when DD comes to ours, and although we have asked XGF to respect our request not to make direct verbal contact, or telephone either of us, she simply refuses to do anything. I have written to XGF, and she is being churlish and childish to refuse to reply. (Another example of how she doesn't care for DD much at all."

Also you dont want her to speak to either of you yet you want her to communicate day to day things? So you're expecting a single mother with maintenance has to communicate through a solicitor when you've already said you can't afford one?

He sounds like a right waste of space and you don't sound much better. It's all a bit Jeremy Kyle for me, must be a wind up Hmm

HerBeatitude · 03/01/2011 23:03

Why did you tell her to communicate through a solicitor if you can't afford a solicitor?

This guy sounds like he's got it made - 2 women discharging his responsibilities to his child. And himm comfortably cock-lodging.

What actual evidence do you have of neglect?

And what actual evidence of himi being a good father and putting his child's needs first, do you have?

coldtits · 03/01/2011 23:04

You should stop referring to her as DD. She's not your daughter, she's your partner's daughter.

Why don't you want her possessions to go back to her home with her?

And, isn't it funny how he only wanted his daughter to live with him AFTER he moved in with a suitably gullible helper to do all the donkey work? This couldn't REMOTELY be connected to child tax credits and his reluctance to get a job, oh no.Hmm

And how come this child's mother is churlish in not replying to YOU, but your partner isn't to be considered churlish for refusing to reply to her, preferring you to do all the stressful things for him instead?

Take my advice - sit down with this woman ON YOUR OWN, and listen carefully to every word she has to say. She has less reason to lie to you than your partner does.

Also, for the benefit of the child protection workers on Mumsnet, please could you detail PRECISELY why you feel your partner's daughter is at risk in her home?

AnyFucker · 03/01/2011 23:05

omfg

there are no words

if ever there was proof of the adage "there are two sides to every story" this is it....

this cannot be real

pink4ever · 03/01/2011 23:06

Ladies this is clearly a wind-upHmm

overthehillmum · 03/01/2011 23:06

He sounds like a real prize and I would wager in a year or two you will be empathising with his ex when you find yourself battling with his latest girlfriend who will believe every word he says.

Pantofino · 03/01/2011 23:06

He can't find a job that suits him enough to pay child support, moved in with you immediately and his is ex is a loon! Fuck. I would run for the hills! This guy in an utter twunt. Honest. They ALWAYS, always are. Jeremy Kyle makes a good living off this sort of man.

Please don't make yourself a victim to all this crap. Get some self respect.

mrscynical · 03/01/2011 23:06

He sounds like a total loser and you have rather stupidly become involved in dramatics that do not have anything to do with you.

Why write to her saying you only want correspondence via a solicitor and then moan that you cannot verbally talk to her as she does not respond?

You are being totally and utterly unreasonable and making a fool of yourself.

Sorry to be so blunt.

ivykaty44 · 03/01/2011 23:07

my ex refuses to pay any money towards the upkeep of our dc

he is out of work and lives with his girl friend

they report me to social service and when they found everything was fine he reported me to my gp to say that my dc wasn't developing

now he refuses to have any conversation about the care of our dc and everything he wants to go through the solicitor - he may get legal aid but it is £150 a letter

doesn't really sound to good does it.........?

Hmm not really a good catch is he?

KangarooCaught · 03/01/2011 23:07

This has got to be a MN spoof, no? It's got almost every stereotype going.

MadamDeathstare · 03/01/2011 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/01/2011 23:08

OK, didn't have to read your OP far to set the alarm bells ringing -

"He also finds dealing with some situations difficult, (authority figures telling him what to do) but he's really trying to make good changes and we are working on these problems together."

"He has not found a job that has suited him for long enough to pay"

And he calls his ex a loon and nothing you say about her confirms that.

I'd say "Run for the hills", but you sound so besotted with this bloke (I hesitate to call him a man) that you clearly wouldn't. The best to be hoped for is that you sit down and spend some time THINKING about the situation you are actually in.

troisgarcons · 03/01/2011 23:08

A tell all phrase from your OP = He also finds dealing with some situations difficult, (authority figures telling him what to do) - translation of that: kicks off at any given opportunity, can't hold a job down because he's a mardy fecker that knows best

And you have this man in your house? with your child?

Good luck, you'll need it.

penguin73 · 03/01/2011 23:09

If your DP can't afford to pay maintenance how will he afford the costs of her living with you?

curlymama · 03/01/2011 23:09

The two of you are made for eachother.

Biscuit
pink4ever · 03/01/2011 23:10

Wind up FFS!!!

Sassybeast · 03/01/2011 23:11

Pink4ever - In a way I 'hope' it's a wind up but it's some sick fuck who's written it, if it is.

bubbleOseven · 03/01/2011 23:11

YABU

have you ever heard the term "cock-lodger"?

And, really, she isn't spending all her money on "fags and bingo" is she? that's just a silly remark. Obviously the kid is fed and clothed and transported and educated and heated, and not by your boyfriend either.

I'd also be interested to know whether it's you paying for all her things when she comes to stay? Are you? or does your charming boyfriend do some undeclared work, so he doesn't have to pay maintenance?

troisgarcons · 03/01/2011 23:12

FWIW - I know of a 'stepmother' who manipulated and wrenched a child from his mother to satisfy her own needs for a family, on the pretext of 'doing it for the DH'.

You sound suspiciously like that woman.

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/01/2011 23:13

If this is not a wind-up then Chloe, dump him.

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/01/2011 23:13

That way you not only get rid of a loon Ex, but also a loser man.

scottishmummy · 03/01/2011 23:14

chloe,why are you shacked up with man who wont maintain his financial commitments to his child.that should speak volumes

and if it doesn't you wont hear the warning bells either

or read the writing on the wall

unfortunately he has probably bigged you up, made you feel smashing.total princess.whilst he rips piss out of ex-partner. and you are so busy demonising his ex that you are caught up in his shite

scottishmummy · 03/01/2011 23:19

you want her dd live with new twinkie and non-paying ex?

you are a stranger to that wee girl.some new bird shacked up with her dad. stop trying to break up wee girl and mum

what does your ds dad think of all this?new man and potentially more upheaval

picmaestress · 03/01/2011 23:21

'Her abuse is mainly to tell me to keep out of it.' You are a total joker.

Have you tried looking at the situation from her point of view? Maybe he IS a thief, liar and a cheat. He pays her no maintenance, and he reported her to SS (woah!), he wants full custody but isn't willing to get a job to fund legal advice, he's got a current girlfriend who is getting thoroughly involved which in my opinion is totally inappropriate, and who writes her personal letters (what? seriously?). Then who insists on no verbal contact, and who judges her to be a 'bad mother'.

This being annoyed with her because she's taking your written word to the letter, but you insisting on no direct verbal contact: There's a whole bunch of madness right there. How the hell is she supposed to contact you about any issues?

You aren't her mother - you can't just decide you're somehow owed custody.

I think you need to take a step back and see what you're doing in this situation. I'm really shocked you can't see that you're half of the problem. Jeez, that poor little girl. Charming bunch she has to look after her.

Oh, lay your bets on a disappearing OP now...

Janos · 03/01/2011 23:22

pink, I hope it is a windup.

However, you would be surprised how many seemingly intelligent women are so desperate for a man that they will a) believe any old shite (can't find a suitable job, ex is unreasonable nutter..aye right Hmm) and b) facilitate his awful behaviour. I speak from (unfortunate) experience.