Dealing with partner's nasty ex girlfriend.

[chloeloveshim]

Partner and I have been dating for 9 months. He moved in with my DS, 7 and myself quite quickly and AFAIC, it's going okay.
I know my partner has some issues surrounding feelings of insecurity, but most of his issues were caused by her treating him so badly for years. He also finds dealing with some situations difficult, (authority figures telling him what to do) but he's really trying to make good changes and we are working on these problems together.

One of the situations he has struggled to deal with is that of his ex girlfriend.
Partner and ex girlfriend have a 2yr old DD and tbh she is crazy!! A real loon.

She made it difficult for him to see DD, but since I met him, XGF took him back to court and agreed to let him see DD at weekends.
XGF has since behaved very oddly and I'm not sure where we go from here.
A selection of her behaviour is: Attempting to tell me he is a thief/liar/cheat. Partner has told me XGF has begged him to go back to her, so I can only assume she is trying to put me off, but it hasn't worked, I'm prepared to stick by him.
She has told me my DS probably hates him (DS adores him) and that he will only get me into lots of debt (I pay my own way, unlike herself.)
She complains Partner doesn't pay maintenance (He has not found a job that has suited him for long enough to pay) then she said he stole money from her. (Where will it end?)
Partner and I noticed DD had a few bruises on her body, her inside lip was cut, and she had a cut on her head, so we reported XGF to Social Services. They have carried out a full investigation. Partner doesn't trust them though (you hear the stories in the news of them getting it wrong) so Partner also made a report to the doctor about DD development.
Now nutty XGF wont disclose who DD's optician is, even though Partner has every right to know.
We have resorted to refusing to respond to any form of communication, unless it is through a solicitor, because of the abuse she gives us on picking up DD. (we do not have a solicitor at present due to financial constraints) and XGF solicitor has costed and closed the case.
Her abuse is mainly to tell me to keep out of it. I am just trying to support my Partner. She has led him a rough ride, and I am more than happy to help him.
I do not class myself as getting involved, I am just supporting my Partner as best as I can. (He would like full custody and I believe he is a good dad to DD) I have also written a few letters to XGF (from Partner of course, but he is terrible at letter writing), have answered his mobile when he does not want to speak to her, and we chose to put her hair in French Plaits, which Nutty XGF says is too much too young. DD looked beautiful.

I don't think XGF is a good mother. She shouts and swears in front of DD, doesn't appear to care about her very much, and smokes. (I have seen all of this with my own eyes btw).

It has got to the point now where XGF will not speak, and we do not speak to her, but it is a strain. Obviously, there are day to day things we need to know, especially when DD comes to ours, and although we have asked XGF to respect our request not to make direct verbal contact, or telephone either of us, she simply refuses to do anything. I have written to XGF, and she is being churlish and childish to refuse to reply. (Another example of how she doesn't care for DD much at all.)

How do we proceed from here? We can't afford a solicitor, but she is taking our written word to the ludicrous extreme.

What do we do to make her understand that we will not tolerate her abusiveness and total lies about Partner, and to see it is for the best for the forseeable future for Partner to see as much of DD as she does. (Partner very hurt about this.)
We have proposed to her in writing that DD lives with us for a week, then her, and hopefully that will get the ball rolling, but again, she has not responded to our request.

How do I get through to someone so stubborn and unreasonable?
I want the best possible life for her DD, and I know that is with me and my Partner.

Maybe I am just ranting, I just wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom for me and my Partner??

I have to admit, I do think new partners/Step Mums get a hard time on here sometimes, but I think in this case it is totally deserved.

You answer his phone when he doesn't want to speak to her? Why doesn't he just grow up amd realise he has to speak to the mother of his child whether he likes it or not?

He hasn't found a job that suited him long enough to pay maintenance? WTF!!! Why do you find this acceptable. My exH has managed to pay maintenanxe throughout having lengthy time off from self employment (which he doesn't get paid for) during surgery on his neck/spine and while he is limited in how much he can work due to needing further surgery. Why? Becaue he is a decent father and has planned for all eventualities.

Unbelievable you reported the mother to SS for sme bruises and cuts. You could come and inspect any of my three sons right now and find them covered in bruises, no doubt my next door neighbours three too, because children DO get covered in bruises. You refused to believe SS when they found ni cause for concern?

Unfuckingbelievable. Poor ex and poor little girl.

If I was your boyfriend's ex, I'd be utterly fucked off at you wading in, talking about the little girl as if she is yours: 'until she's safe with us'. You barely know this man, how do you know the full story? The child was barely a year old when you met your boyfriend, stop talking like you're the child's stepmother. Get off your over-excited high horse, stop trying to wade into someone else's parent-child relationship, and stop being as pathetic as to fight the corner of a man who can't be fucked getting a job in order to support his 2yr old child.

To be honest, moving a boyfriend (of a mere few months) in with your 7yr old DS is not good parenting.

given his track record if I was her I'd be tempted to report you to SS - allowing such a charming man access to your kids after such a short time together :)

Wind up and not actually a very good one.

What the fuck is this "we" business?

This should not be a joint matter - it is your DPs responsibility to care for his child - and yes, that includes getting a job and paying for her food and bills too. Brushing it off by saying that the CSA are now dealing with it is ridiculous - their involvement shouldn't be necessary and besides they can't do much for the child if he has no income, can they?

"We will not feel DD is safe and properly cared for until she is living with us."

You're trying to take a child away from her mother. You're not exactly discouraging the father from not paying his dues and you're interfering. No wonder the poor mother is pissed off with you.

And if I were you I wouldn't be too quick to write off her claims about his debts and problems either. Think about it. He doesn't have a job, he doesn;t even care for his own child's financial welfare...

Sorry, I think you're very deluded.

Chloe, where is your DS's father?

Imagine if he moved in with a woman who did everything you have done to your DP's XP, to you? How would you feel about it? How would you handle it?

In the remote possibility that this is for real, I hope the ex moves far far away from you and your cock lodger.

gordy, I almost wrote that too - you are absolutely right.

If I remember correctly, the exGF posted her side of the story last week.

If this is not a wind-up then you should be ashamed of yourself. (In fact if it is a wind-up, you should be even more ashamed wasting other people's time on this.)

From the little I remember you and the exGF should sit down and have a frank conversation and you need to listen to her before you get sucked in any further by this waste of space. Heaven forbid you have a child with him, he can't support his DD with exGF, what makes you think he would contribute anything other than sperm.

Lastly, imagine how you would feel if the father of your child took up with a woman who left she was a better mother to your DD than you are? Try and grow up and behave more responsibly towards your own child and that of your partner.

pooka, I did not ask XGF what happened when DD sustained these injuries, because she is so verbally nasty. I saw them with my own eyes though. How much more evidence do I need?

SassyBeast, I cannot imagine ever conducting myself in the fashion with which XGF conducts herself. I also do not want anymore DC at this moment in time.

BooBooGlass, Partner moved in with me rather quickly, because aside from the fact that this is what we both wanted, Partner has no one, and doesn't get on very well at all with his family (apart from his nan) so had nowhere to go. It was a logical decision as well as a heartfelt one.

HerBeatitude, As my Partner says...She who doth protest too much.
XGF became increasingly loony after DD was born, Partner stayed with her because he was trying to make it work. I do support him when he is not working, and I have bought DD a few small things she needed, like hair accessories and knickers (XGF couldn't even be bothered to begin toilet training . Isn't this what couples do, support each other, for richer and poorer?

Wheresmejumper, DD may not appear to be malnourished, but she has a terrible diet. (I am a veggie) . XGF has run out of electric before, and used this as an excuse to squeeze a few pounds out of Partner. BTW, it didn't work because Partner didn't get paid from his job on that occasion.

Gordyslovesheep, I think you will find I am as close to DD's stepmother as it is possible to be without being married to my Partner. We are co habiting.

Emmyloulou, I happen to live with Partner 24/7, so I think I know him as well as I need to. He has never stolen from me.

StrawberryMouse, When DD comes to live with us, we will surely be entitled to claim extra tax credits if DP is not working, possibly even if he is. DP is quite happy to stay home, and is a good housekeeper.

"I think you will find I am as close to DD's stepmother as it is possible to be without being married to my Partner. We are co habiting"

WTF?! Fuck off.

chloe cant you see dysfunctional pattern here
estranged from ex
estranged from most family
unwilling to work
issues with authority
demonises ex
got you embroiled in his arguments.so much so you cannot accept he may be wrong

the common denominator is him

this is all v bad and bodes badily for you

OMG! If thus is not a wind up then YOU are the most gullible person ever! This man ticks every single box on the "Signs you are dating a Loser" list and you tick a fair few yourself OP. It can't possibly be true it just can't .

"How much more evidence do I need?"

Well, quite a lot, actually. All normal children have bruises on them all the time - they run around and fall over a lot. Those who don't, are either disabled or obese because they spend too much time in front of the bloody playstation.

Chloe, you are supporting a cock-lodger. And you haven't answered any of my questions.

If this is true, scottishmummy is spot on. If it's a wind up, please stop, it is really offensive to real step families/separated families.

"Partner has no one, and doesn't get on very well at all with his family"

"DP is quite happy to stay home"

Well, who would have guessed?

"He has never stolen from me." I expect he hasn't needed to - yet. I'm sure you hand over everything, on a silver platter.

Chloe, that child will not be coming to live with you. Her mother won't allow it and there's nothing you can do about it.

Thank God.

Did you honestly think that just because you wanted it, it would be so?

I hope it's a wind up, though.

Wind up.

Has to be.

Cos now she's started toilet training someone else's child. Is anticipating the ctc coming their way. And doesn't need any more evidence than a few bruises to be certain that the dd is being neglected.

Plus the bloke doesn't get on with any one and doesn't have any friends.

Load of bollocks.

when she comes to live with you? What makes you think that will ever happen? SS seem to be on the mothers side. I don't think any court will think reporting to SS without first discussing with the child's mother what could quite easily be 'injuries' got by everyday activities such as going to the park.

As for not toilet training, she is two years old FFS, maybe her mother didn't think she was ready for toilet traoning yet, lots of children aren't and it's not your decision!

Do you really think it's OK that your DP doesn't pay his way for his little girl?

Do you think there is maybe a reason why he has no-one (apart from the one person he met who is giving him a home, paying his bills, looking after him financially and fighting his battles for him?)

Have you actually met/talked to anyone else who knows him from before you met who can maybe validate his version of events? If you think you are in love with someone it is far too easy to only believe what you want to believe, try listening to somebody who may not be as blinded by him/knows him better than you.

No wonder she has run out of leccy before- Your 'houseproud' other half doesn't give them anything to live on!

Just because he has never stolen from you does not make him a good person.

I am not working my arse off to pay tax to fund idiots like you who want to nab somebody's daughter just so that you can get more tax credits and so that DP can tidy up all day.

The fact that even his family want nothing to do with him must hint at something surely.

Leave this woman and her DD alone, concentrate on your own.

So when step mothers come on mumsnet wanting their own child to have some comfort in their own home they are told to fuck off and stop upsetting the poor step child's sensibilities by putting their own kid first and then when somebody does step up to the mark and thinks of the step child's welfare and acts on suspicions they are to fuck off too ?
Strange strange strange.