To be pee'd off DD is not invited to friends wedding

[Kentmummy]

DH and I have been invited to a good friends wedding in feb. We live in Kent and wedding is in Scotland. DH has been asked to be an usher.
The bride and groom are good friends and we were very excited to be going... Until they said no children were invited.
I appreciate this is their wedding and I understand the no children policy if it was down to numbers but our DD is only 9 weeks old so won't cost them a penny or take up a seat. I said I'd sit at the back of the church and leave immediately as soon as she made the smallest noise.
They have refused.... The problem is I'm breast feeding so I can't leave her for the day and night as she would starve and my boobs would burst!
I've tried to give her a bottle so I can go and leave her with family but she just won't take it.
As DH is an usher he still has to go but without me... Also means we have to travel to Scotland so I can sit in a hotel while DH is at wedding.
AIBU to be pretty pissed off and think they are being a bit mean?

Well I suppose it depends who the parents were, Maisie. If someone had a very young baby whether breast fed or not, I would not expect them to leave it with someone just to come to my wedding - I wouldn't leave mine.

Therefore it would depend on how much I wanted them to come. Hence if I didn't want someone's young baby to come I would not make them an usher. Or if I really wanted them to come and be an usher I guess I would let the baby come, but ask specifically if the mother could take it out if it was being noisy - some people don't do this automatically.

I'm in a similar situation. DH's best friend, god father to DS is getting married overseas and have no DCs rule. All fine except that they have chosen the day before DS's birthday as the date of the wedding. It's in some far flung romantic island with flights twice a week so no way can we get back in time for his birthday.
Looks like we'll miss it and I'm really sad about it but we just have to suck it up. Having kids changes your life and sometimes it's a bit crap.

They have told you that your DD isn't invited. You have explained why you can't leave her and she's still not invited.

Just to clarify we're missing the wedding not the birthday.

You weren't dancing until you mentioned it...

Human Octopus - I think it's a bit sad if even the bride and groom don't think the day is about them making a commitment to each other.

Just a query?

Is is just a UK thing that we have so many 'no children' weddings?

I have been to alot of weddings (whoops, indicator of great age here!), and the ones in other countries (Spain/Italy/US), not involving a bride/groom from here were very child friendly.

Coincidentally, or not, there was no disruption, just happy accepted children integrated fully as part of the celebration.

Has the tension around our little ones making any disruptive noises fed into them being under pressure and therefore reacting? Whereas, my experience of children not being under pressure to be quiet, etc., seemed to lead to a happy relaxed atmosphere for all.

choppity I think so too. Weddings can be so materialistic and an attempt to upstage someone else's previous wedding effort, etc.

Some of the nicest, couple getting married-focused weddings have been the smallest, most casual ones.

Well as you think a wedding is mainly a party, do you think people shouldn't be able to have an adults-only party if they want to?

sorry - cross post

The couple I mentioned are lovely people who simply can't afford the 40 extra meals they'd have to pay for for the wedding - and that's 40 friends they would have to drop from the guest list. Weddings are incredibly expensive, if you have a traditional, formal one. I totally understand their position. Having said that, they also state in the notes that came with the invite that they don't want anyone to miss the wedding due to childcare problems, so if there is an issue, to get in touch and they'll try and sort something out.

How can you resent someone who is that reasonable? They'd be as appalled as the OP about a bf baby being blocked this way.

I see no issue on a cf wedding, but this is a little extreme.

Surely the difference between an adult with a disability and a baby is that the adult will be able to appreciate the event and enjoy it? I had a child free wedding but if my disabled uncle had been still alive he definitely would have been invited.
Having said that I don't think the OP is BU. My cousin didn't come as she had a very small baby and I now I have a small DS of my own I wonder if it was because she couldn't come - I just thought at the time she could drop it off with the in-laws. If she'd asked me if she could have brought it and explained I hope I would have said yes. We didn't have children as we had limited spaces but I guess I was also relieved to have that reason as had been to several weddings where there have been babies crying through the vows. If I had understood the reality of looking after a bf baby I hope I would have been understanding. I know it's unfair now but I lumped my cousin into the same category as people living in New Zealand - I would've liked them to be there but understood they weren't going to.
But while I was sad my cousin didn't come (and friend in NZ), when planning a wedding you do expect a certain percentage not to be able to make it and it meant I could invite some friends who I really wanted to be there too. Maybe the bride and groom are using your place for someone who they otherwise couldn't invite?

I had several young children at our wedding - and they were fab - but have been to weddings where couldn't hear the vows - screaming children running up and down the aisle (I kid you not). When DD1 was one we were invited to 2 weddings, I spent most of both services outside (she had just learnt to walk and was desperate to be off ) and since then have not taken the children to weddings - often DP will go on his own, sometimes for local wedding we would go to see them come out of church - wish them well etc, and most recently when DD2 was little just DP went. I think it is a personal decision both for bride and any parent as to whether they want to take children etc but that ultimately that decision should be respected.

I've been to a wedding where the children did not sit at the main meal, but had a buffet style nosh in a room closeby.

Worked great for us, and the children loved the atmosphere. The hotel charged a tiny sum per child.

Unfortunately, some parents made a huge fuss and were offended that the dc's couldn't sit with them, all the time.

For me, I think that people choose the easiest target when reducing costs, ie, the children. What about all the obligation invitations? It would be great if people had the assertiveness to request that uncle Bob's annoying gf didn't come

Of course people should have adults-only parties, just as we have childrens parties - but when it's something that involves whole groups of family and friends, it seems a bit weird to leave out one particular subset - esp. in the case of the OP.

I can (kind) of understand the no-children policy, esp. when it becomes prohibitive cost or numbers-wise, but when it's a good friend who has been asked to be part of the wedding party then it seems ridiculous not to be flexible and 'allow' their b/f baby to attend.

Utterly ridiculous. Dont understand how the couple can include a 9 week old breastfed baby that lives the other end of the country in their no children rule? Sorry but I would take that as a subtle message that they dont want you there.

FWIW I think childfree weddings are a great idea. My sister is getting married her and her DF love kids and are brilliant with them but over half the guests have under fives - if they were included it would cost a bomb and effectively be a childrens day out.

Human, we actually did this too! We didn't feel obliged to invite anyone and only invited people we actually wanted to come. It was great and nobody complained that so-and-so wasn't invited.

It was easier as we organised it all ourselves and paid for it ourselves too so didn't have to feel obliged to anybody for those reasons.

YANBU. I think they are being v unreasonable not allowing you to bring a v small, fully bf baby.
They don't sound like very close friends otherwise presumably they would want you there too!
If I were you, I would thank them for the invitation and decline.

Kerala1... I completely agree. Child free weddings are great and if I was able to be child free for the day, I would... But I can't DD is too small and dependant. I don't think I'm going to go but that worries me as DH will still be going and I wonder if they will think I'm making a point. I'm not.. I'd love to go and have a few drinks and a good time but it's their day and their choice I guess .

For those of you who specifically didn't invite children - what would you have done if a good friend that you really wanted there had a small b/f baby?

I don't understand why a bf baby can't come. It may be that they're not quite such good friends as you think or as someone else said there is a close family member with lots of noisy dc's.

We had dc's at our wedding, half the invited children came as alot of parents welcomed the chance to leave their (older) dc's.

We recently went to a family wedding with no dc's and it was a very odd atmosphere. It felt really odd, as there are so many children in the family. Even the grooms dc's wern't there. Very odd.

generally, i don't get the 'no kids' rule anyway - and it used to be the case that churches were PUBLIC places, people could only be 'evicted' if they were disturbing the ceremony (which is the ushers job btw), so they can't actually stop anyone turning up - in fact, i've been to a couple of city centre weddings where a tramp has wondered in at the back cos it was dry and warm (ish) compared with outside. as long as they don't disturb, no-one can be 'banned'.

however, personally, the idea of going from kent to scotland for a weekend with a young baby just doesn't appeal. i know it means you'll miss seeing friends, but i'd rather stay home. if you could turn it into a week's holiday, hire a cottage, have some of the friends over/meet in a pub on a different day, i'd consider going. otherwise, i just wouldn't bother.

if dh still wants to go - send him with your blessing, then, when you are able to leave dd, plan your own break for some 'me' time.

fwiw, i do think people who exclude babies, are pretty silly - surely it's obvious that you are therefore excluding at least one parent, which is a fairly hurtful thing to do. it's like saying, 'we only want to be friends under certain circumstances' which isn't really friendship.

I don't think yabu at all but they probably feel like, if they make an exception for you they will have to do so for others? I would have said come if it were me as baby is so small and you are bf.

I would just not go at all, either of you - they should understand that, just as they have their 'rules' so do you and that means neither of you travelling so far without baby.

Your baby is all that matters!

Good luck whatever you decide x

DH and I went to a child-free wedding when DS was 3 months old. I expressed for ages beforehand so he'd have enough milk and left him with relatives. THe wedding was 2 hours away. It was hideous. According to my relatives, DS was fine. I, however, spent a good part of the day expressing in the toilets and throwing ounce after ounce of breast milk away. With the benefit of hindsight, DH should have gone alone and I should have politely declined. It's the bride and groom's choice what they do for their own wedding, but I think guests sometimes just have to suck it up. can see both sides really.

Although I find it hard to believe that other parents at the wedding whose own children were excluded would feel outraged that a breastfed newborn from the other side of the British Isles is allowed to attend?
Doesnt make sense to me. A tiny bf newborn is IMO in a different category to "children".

Several of my friends had babes in arms at our wedding they were fab wouldnt have dreamed of excluding them. My cousins 3 year old on the other hand running his sodding train up and down the pew whilst we took our vows I could really have done without.

Kerala1 surely the minor disruption you had to put up with re your cousins was something you could ignore? You were, after all, marrying the man of your dreams.