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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pee'd off DD is not invited to friends wedding

263 replies

Kentmummy · 03/01/2011 21:07

DH and I have been invited to a good friends wedding in feb. We live in Kent and wedding is in Scotland. DH has been asked to be an usher.
The bride and groom are good friends and we were very excited to be going... Until they said no children were invited.
I appreciate this is their wedding and I understand the no children policy if it was down to numbers but our DD is only 9 weeks old so won't cost them a penny or take up a seat. I said I'd sit at the back of the church and leave immediately as soon as she made the smallest noise.
They have refused.... The problem is I'm breast feeding so I can't leave her for the day and night as she would starve and my boobs would burst!
I've tried to give her a bottle so I can go and leave her with family but she just won't take it.
As DH is an usher he still has to go but without me... Also means we have to travel to Scotland so I can sit in a hotel while DH is at wedding.
AIBU to be pretty pissed off and think they are being a bit mean?

OP posts:
MumNWLondon · 04/01/2011 14:19

Its their wedding so their choice not to have children there, if you want to go, ask them to find you babysitter, ideally one experienced looking after babies.

Babysitter sits in your hotel room with the baby, calls you if baby needs fed, and you discretly slip out. That way you'll actually enjoy the wedding, and you will not be on edge if your baby makes any noise.

I'd get a babysitter under these circumstances, even if my baby was allowed to come because having a baby at the ceremony/reception/dinner would mean I wouldn't really enjoy it, and yes I have breastfed, I know the mechanics.

If you can't afford/don't want to get a babysitter then don't go.

KERALA1 · 04/01/2011 14:26

Actually it was annoying it was just at the vow bit and all my brain could focus on. Bloody kids.

curlymama · 04/01/2011 14:27

Maisie, what sort of disabilities are you talking about when you say that disabled adults would cause the most disruption?

We had 8 wheelchair users at our wedding of 80 guests, one was an usher, and one severly autistic guest, none of them caused any disruption. Although I can see why some disabilties would need acommodating, if you care about people I don't see the problem with that. We chose a venue that would suit, and it was lovely.

Thankfully we only had 9 children to invite, but I can see that in some families the children would end up outnumbering the adults or costing too much to make it practical. Even so, it's very unkind to put a friend in a position where they would love to come but can't because they are breastfeeding.

minipie · 04/01/2011 14:39

They've clearly decided that having no children there is more important than your being able to attend. It's their choice to do so, but it makes it clear where their priorities lie.

Given this, I don't think you (or your DH) should feel duty bound to attend.

TandB · 04/01/2011 14:39

It is interesting how polarised people are on this topic. There are those who think that the bride and groom should put their own wishes behind those of their guests, and there are those who think the guests should prioritise the bride and groom.

If the two things come into conflict then surely the bride and groom should not be asked to go against their wishes for their own wedding?

minipie · 04/01/2011 14:43

kungfu - I think the bride and groom have to choose whether to prioritise their own wishes or their guests' convenience (where there is a conflict).

If they choose to prioritise their own wishes, that's fine, but then they shouldn't be surprised if some guests don't attend.

TandB · 04/01/2011 14:46

Exactly what I said earlier - the couple in question would be totally unreasonable if they threw a hissy fit about OP/DH not attending, but as long as they accept the decision graciously then I don't think they should be tarred as selfish/unreasonable etc

minipie · 04/01/2011 14:49

agreed Smile

Rocky12 · 04/01/2011 14:51

We had a child free wedding mainly because none of the people we invited had children. It was wonderful, civil service at 1630 then champagne and a wonderful dinner for 30 guests.

Of course now if we were trying to arrange the same thing it would be a nightmare - so many people to upset! I like child free weddings I have to say, too many weddings I attended were drowned out by crying babies. I know everyone here says that THEY would take their own child out but they dont do they - that is why some people want child free weddings.

When my own SIL got married we had a two year old, I told her honestly not to worry if she wanted it child free. She didnt but I wouldnt have minded in the slightest.

This day is about the bride and groom - not you. I think the OP is making it difficult for herself, why does she need to go (with all the expense that involves). It sounds a bit PFB.

Quenelle · 04/01/2011 15:00

If this were me and DH, DH would have to go on his own or not go at all. I wouldn't want DS to be apart from me for that long at such a young age. And I certainly wouldn't fork out for a hotel room if I wasn't going to the wedding.

It's your friends' choice who they have at their wedding but they will have to accept that it means some of the people they want to be there might not be able to go. I hope they don't think it's sour grapes on your part if you decline. Perhaps if they don't have kids yet they'll understand when they have a newborn.

curlymama · 04/01/2011 15:06

Kungfu - I don't think a bride and groom should be asked to go against their own wishes for their wedding day wich is obviously very special to them and likely to cost alot of money. But I do find it wierd that a bride and grooms wishes would be to put their friends in such a difficult position, and that they would prefer a freind to not attend rather than have a tiny bf baby there.

That says to me that the friends really arent that important, and surely the idea of having a wedding is to commit to the person you love in front of everyone you care about. If you could have someone there but choose not to for some trivial reason then you obviously don't care about them much.

thebrownstuff · 04/01/2011 15:39

my wedding was child free and I came on here to give you a big blast of YABU and tell you to quit the hand wringing...Grin

But actually, yanbu and it's a shame that they clearly don't understand that a newborn can't just be left with out mum especially if BF and away from home. I don't understand what they expect you to do with baby if they're expecting your DH to usher - it's not just a normal invitation imo.

If I was you, I'd be thanking them very much for the invite, disappointing but you both can't make it. How were you planning to get to Aberdeen? Hopefully when they have dcs they'll understand what it is.

On the other hand, I'm sure we've all done things/expressed attitudes pre DC that we're not proud of.

TandB · 04/01/2011 15:46

Curlymama - that is another option of course. Maybe the friends genuinely aren't that fussed about having the OP at the wedding.

I'm not saying that to have a dig at the OP, but I have certainly been to weddings where I was just there as an appendage to my OH whose friend was getting married, and he has been in the same position with weddings of my friends.

If you really aren't that fussed about whether someone is there or not then you aren't going to be particuarly inclined to accomodate them.

minervaitalica · 04/01/2011 16:04

I do not remember who said it but can you pls explain the logic of:

"Adult with disabilities" who could be noisy at the wedding - invite would have to be handled sensitively. We probably all agree here.

"Older child with profound disabilities" who could be noisy at the wedding (this is the real life case I mentioned earlier - sorry if it was not clear) - this case is quite sad as it's very difficult to get appropriate childcare for this child, but I suppose that because he is a child he would be left out as not worth of sensitivity.

BF Baby who cannot be left: obviously also not worth of sensitivity according to a good number of people.

I am symphatetic to the numbers issue, but all I remain unconvinced that the noise is a justifiable issue - no wedding I have been to has excluded children (regardless of the age and needs), and I cannot remember any major disaster occurring, or anyone moaning about the children being there.

mowbraygirl · 04/01/2011 16:32

I presume the same rules apply in Scotland as down south as regards a wedding in a church. Anyone can go and sit in a church and witness a wedding as it is a public place of worship and the bride and groom cannot stipulate who comes in or not.

My DD and her DH and her friend and DH went to an old school friends wedding in the summer it was a 'no children wedding'. Friends father and her mother took friends DD to see the wedding as did quite a few of the bride's neighbours took their children. Ushers tried to stop them going into the church in fact things got a bit nasty.

Friends father is a churchwarden at said church so sought out the vicar who firmly put ushers in their place, even hinted he could stop the wedding taking place. I have heard he gets a bit fed up with these 'bridezilla's' who want to get married in his church because has nice surroundings. Before bride arrived vicar did ask if children could be taken out if they were crying. Bride was most annoyed about it all but there was nothing that she could do.

I am afraid if it was me I would just turn up at the wedding with DD what are they going to do kick you out.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 04/01/2011 16:39

Yep, anyone can turn up. We got married in a lovely small village church, with a very famous Scotsman buried beside it - apparently it's quite common for tourists to pop in to watch any weddings taking place! We didn't have tourists, but we did have some villagers - who by a strange quirk of fate turned out to be long lost friends of my sisters Smile

Rocky12 · 04/01/2011 16:42

Mowbray - are you joking? What a horrible thing to do. On the most important day of a couple's life your friends gatecrash a wedding. I hope they are throughly ashamed of themselves.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 04/01/2011 17:01

They are sitting in the church to watch the wedding - anyone who is getting married in a church should be aware of the fact that it is a public place of worship as Mowbray said. The reception is a completely different matter - but if you wish to stipulate who attends the ceremony then a church wedding certainly isn't for you.

katiestar · 04/01/2011 17:03

I don't understand why some MNers don't get that the B & G have spent thousands maybe tens of thousands on a day they will cherish for the rest of their lives.Why for this one day can they not put the couple and their wishes first.

humanoctopus · 04/01/2011 17:08

I have 'gatecrashed' a church to see a friend get married.

Her father was paying and dictated the list of invitations.

I don't regret it one bit and was one of many outside the church afterwards congratulating them.

Its just seemss nuts to need or want to spend thousands (even tens of thousands Shock) on a celebration of couples committment.

mamatomany · 04/01/2011 17:10

We paid about £5k to use the club house at the golf club and spotted some bastards members who'd finished a round of golf and joined us on the dance floor pausing on to grab a sandwich on the way out, good job we have a sense of humor and had over catered Grin

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 04/01/2011 17:12

They are fools if they spend tens of thousands on a wedding. However, it doesn't matter how much you spend on a wedding - every one is special and unique, but that's not the issue. The issue here is if it's appropriate for a couple with a young baby who is being b/f to be invited to a wedding hundreds of miles away by close frieds without their baby. In this case, the majority of posters seem to think the B and G are BU.

humanoctopus · 04/01/2011 17:12

mamatomany OMG, £5k to use a club house? Sense of humour definately required!

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 04/01/2011 17:13

Which golf club house was it that cost £5K?!! Shock

mamatomany · 04/01/2011 17:15

That was including the food, i'd be giving far too much away if I told you that, but yes DH was very diplomatic and when they said they didn't realise it was a wedding made some fantastic remark about us being in a daft pair of outfits to play a round of golf in.

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