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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pee'd off DD is not invited to friends wedding

263 replies

Kentmummy · 03/01/2011 21:07

DH and I have been invited to a good friends wedding in feb. We live in Kent and wedding is in Scotland. DH has been asked to be an usher.
The bride and groom are good friends and we were very excited to be going... Until they said no children were invited.
I appreciate this is their wedding and I understand the no children policy if it was down to numbers but our DD is only 9 weeks old so won't cost them a penny or take up a seat. I said I'd sit at the back of the church and leave immediately as soon as she made the smallest noise.
They have refused.... The problem is I'm breast feeding so I can't leave her for the day and night as she would starve and my boobs would burst!
I've tried to give her a bottle so I can go and leave her with family but she just won't take it.
As DH is an usher he still has to go but without me... Also means we have to travel to Scotland so I can sit in a hotel while DH is at wedding.
AIBU to be pretty pissed off and think they are being a bit mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kentmummy · 03/01/2011 21:27

I have told them the situation nigglewiggle and they won't budge. They know I'm bf'ing and why I can't come. I understand it's their day and they invite who they want... I'm just struggling to understand why a 9 week old baby can't go... She won't need a seat and won't cost them anything and I've said I would not sit in the church or through speeches if she's making any noise.
I can see I'm being unreasonable but I think they are too a bit!

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 03/01/2011 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Kentmummy · 03/01/2011 21:29

Yes compo... He will know other people and have a great time.. I'm just pee'd off as I would have known lots of people I've not seen for ages and had a great time too!!! I'm gutted!

OP posts:
curlymama · 03/01/2011 21:29

In this situation I'd actually be quite upset if my DH went without me. It would be like he was prepared to spend all that money to have his friend completely disregard me and my baby. Plus, weddings are supposed to be about marriage and love, and neither DH or I would want to take part in that sort of celebration without the other.

They care enough about your DH to ask him to be an usher, but not enough to avoid putting him in this situation.

I wonder if they would be so strict on the no children rule if the Brides sister or best friend had a newborn.

It's fine for them not to invite children, but if they want someone who has a tiny baby that can't be left to be an usher, they should be abit more understanding. We all have children and I can't imagine loads of MNers being upset that their pre school / school age children couldn't go to a wedding even if there was a small baby there. Parents usually understnd the difference.

DitaVonCheese · 03/01/2011 21:30

YANBU but mainly because I am anti-child-free weddings. However, neither you nor DH has to go.

Tbh I am still spitting mad on behalf of someone I know who was bridesmaid for her best friend and exclusively bfing very young twins and wasn't allowed to take them to the wedding - her parents went too and spent the day in a nearby B&B so they could take the babies to her when they needed feeding Hmm

Herecomesthesciencebint · 03/01/2011 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

narkypuffin · 03/01/2011 21:34

Is it no children at the church or no children full stop?

ifancyashandy · 03/01/2011 21:34

They are saying no because (as others have said) they can't say yes to some kids / babies and no to others.

They clearly don't want kids doing skiddies across the dance floor / want more adults there than children but can't say kids aged 'Blah' and above can't come whilst those aged under 'blah' can. They've had to make a decision and it was probably a tricky one to make.

Think about it - maybe it's a decision based on cost and they woud rather pay for another adult meal rather than a childs one. Now, I appreciate your baby wouldn't cost them anything as they are too young to sit at the table but lets say a friend of theirs / yours heard you were allowed to take your baby. Said friend says 'Well why not mine' and when told the reason (cost), then offers to pay for their child.

Whole can of worms....

sue52 · 03/01/2011 21:35

There is no way I would leave a nine week old baby however it's fed. I would not go and leave it up to DH if he wanted to attend. Scotland is a long way from Kent and you would not want to be stuck in a hotel room with a tiny baby.

FudgeGirl · 03/01/2011 21:36

I would sympathise that if the couple allow one baby because you are BF, they will open themselves up to lots of other people who will then be aggrieved that their babies/children couldn't attend.

I remember really well my mum and SD going to my mum's cousin's wedding when DB and I were around 12 and 10 - the couple said no children allowed so we went to stay with other family for the day.

We were so miffed, have never seen them since but if I did I'd probably still be put out about it!

So I don't agree necessarily with no kids allowed weddings, but at the end of the day I can see that the couple can't say yes to one but no to others - that wouldn't be fair either.

FakePlasticTrees · 03/01/2011 21:36

Price it up - I'm guessing flights to scotland, travel to/from Gatwick, probably 2 nights in a hotel for your DH... Are you going to get much change from £500? or more?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 03/01/2011 21:37

I am anti child-free weddings - I think weddings are a family occasion and babies are part of the family! Having said that, I have been a guest at a wedding and CHOSEN not to take DS1 when he was a baby (older baby) because we wanted to have some child=free time ourselves (My mum looked after him overnight and all was fine). But the point was, it was up to us whether we took him or not. I just find it so bridezilla to say "no children." It's not a funeral, it's a happy occasion!

OP, YANBU particularly as your baby is so young, and breastfed. I would not go to Scotland, and feel a bit peeved about it all but let it go, and personally wouldn't mind if my DH went on his own (as long as he actually wanted to do that).

TandB · 03/01/2011 21:38

I am surprised by the comments about the bride and groom not being good friends and not considering the OP. Again, it is their wedding - I very much doubt they sat down and thought about each and every nuance of the family arrangements of everyone they invited. They are choosing what suits them for the most special day of their lives. They are inviting people to share that day. They are not holding a gun to their guests' heads and screaming "Come to our wedding or die, biatches!"

The whole wedding politics thing is one reason why we never bothered getting married. But if I was planning a wedding I would probably give pretty careful thought to the overall "policies" like do we want childen there, do we want something really nice for a few people or something cheap and cheerful for a lot of people etc, is this going to be too expensive for a lot of people in terms of accommodation etc, that sort of thing. What I wouldn't do is sit down with the guest list and go through each individual family thinking "well, if we invite them then they will have childcare issues so she probably won't come, so we better tweak our no children policy, oh but then great aunt Edna won't come because she hates children, so we will say no children over the age of one, oh but what about cousin Daphne whose twins will be one year and one day, we better make an exception" etc etc.

I think brides and grooms get an awful lot of stick - it is their wedding, their special day, cut them some slack.

thisisyesterday · 03/01/2011 21:40

i don't think you need to go and sit in an hotel do you? just stay at home

it's sad, but it's up to them. I had the same thing when ds3 was a small baby. I explained to them that i wouldn't be able to leave him, which gave them the option of saying "oh no, bring the baby along" if they wanted to
they didn't want to, so we didn't go!

meantosay · 03/01/2011 21:40

YANBU. Normally I hate people stamping their feet and insisting their dcs be invited and calling weddings without children 'strange' or 'pretentious'.
But this seems to be a different matter altogether and I think they could be a bit flexible.

StewieGriffinsMom · 03/01/2011 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

compo · 03/01/2011 21:40

Aw i know
it is sad to miss out
could you get your mum or mil to go too , book a room at the venue and nip upstairs to bf if you really can't bear to miss out on all the fun?
Congrats on your new baby btw Smile

expatinscotland · 03/01/2011 21:44

Don't go. He doesn't have to, either. He didn't sign a legal contract.

And honestly, if you were my wife, I wouldn't go. I'd leave off being an usher right now and tell them thanks, but no thanks.

ifancyashandy · 03/01/2011 21:46

Oh and I'd happily send my DP off for a fun weekend.

expatinscotland · 03/01/2011 21:48

My husband wouldn't go, tbh.

FudgeGirl · 03/01/2011 21:49

Thinking about it, if I'd got married some years ago I'd have said no kids - just to exclude horrible cousins.

Unfortunately they are both now 18+ so that's not going to work Wink

Seriously, I think your DH should decide whether to go and if he does, you should stay home, and really not take this "no children" thing personally, I'm sure it's not directed specifically at you at all. Neither would it make sense for you to travel with the baby to sit in a hotel room.

I'd leave it up to DH if he wants to go, but don't put pressure on him - I'm sure he'll feel bad about it whether he goes or not.

Carrotsandcelery · 03/01/2011 21:51

It may not be within the bride and groom's control whether they invite your lovely baby or not.
My parents wouldn't invite children to our wedding. They were paying and that was that.

They put my Dad's cousin in exactly the same situation as you are now in - they invited the couple and their older child and not their baby. I was mortified but powerless to do anything about it. They had a very long distance to travel and I did try to say gently to my mum that it would be very difficult to leave the baby behind and they had no family up here other than us so what were they going to do? My mum breast fed both me and my brother until we were a year old so she should have understood but she just didn't seem able to process it.
It may be irrelevant but bear in mind the pressures put on couples by others when planning a wedding, especially if they are not paying or sharing the costs, even though the baby won't cost anything.

ifancyashandy · 03/01/2011 21:52

Really wouldn't have an issue with it - don't need DP to stick like glue to show loyalty. Life changes with DC's and we have to accept that. Doesn't mean we have to cut our noses off to spite our faces.

Wou;dn't bother me in the slightest. I'd just go to the next one!

theevildead2 · 03/01/2011 21:52

I think not having children at weddings is fine, but I think expecting someone to travel to Scotland without their 9 week old baby to take part in their wedding is a joke. I woudln't go.

DitaVonCheese · 03/01/2011 21:53

With the "it's their day" argument, is there any limit to what the b&g can demand of their guests?

I prefer to think of them as being the hosts who should do their best to make sure their guests have a nice day.

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