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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pee'd off DD is not invited to friends wedding

263 replies

Kentmummy · 03/01/2011 21:07

DH and I have been invited to a good friends wedding in feb. We live in Kent and wedding is in Scotland. DH has been asked to be an usher.
The bride and groom are good friends and we were very excited to be going... Until they said no children were invited.
I appreciate this is their wedding and I understand the no children policy if it was down to numbers but our DD is only 9 weeks old so won't cost them a penny or take up a seat. I said I'd sit at the back of the church and leave immediately as soon as she made the smallest noise.
They have refused.... The problem is I'm breast feeding so I can't leave her for the day and night as she would starve and my boobs would burst!
I've tried to give her a bottle so I can go and leave her with family but she just won't take it.
As DH is an usher he still has to go but without me... Also means we have to travel to Scotland so I can sit in a hotel while DH is at wedding.
AIBU to be pretty pissed off and think they are being a bit mean?

OP posts:
TandB · 04/01/2011 11:01

"Kungfu, Chopity and Grumpy - what were your weddings like, I wonder?"

No need to wonder. I mentioned earlier in the thread that we never bothered getting married, partly because we couldn't face the politics but mainly because we didn't see the point, couldn't be arsed and didn't have a spare few grand kicking around.

However, if we ever do it, we have agreed that we will elope to Gretna Green and have a party when we come back in the sports club we are both members of. Children will be welcome and the food will be pasta and dolmio sauce in homage to a long-running joke amongst some of our friends. No bridezilla here I am afraid - sorry if you were imagining a stately, hushed silence as I paraded down the aisle in a flawless white sheath, cringing away in horror as a set of little baby fingers reached for my dress.

grumpypants · 04/01/2011 11:02

That's helpful Hmm - don't mind discussing things on here, and mildly taking the p*ss out of myself, but little pointed comments. Nice.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 04/01/2011 11:04

No, I can't say I'd gone to the bother of imaging your wedding in such great detail - but am very glad to hear that you'd welcome children (and others who may present a threat of disruption).

TandB · 04/01/2011 11:38

I'm relieved that you are happy with my hypothetical wedding arrangements. I will let you know if anything changes in my imaginary plans.
Grin

Original poster
Kentmummy · 04/01/2011 11:42

Just to clarify, I've not at any stage asked them to reconsider allowing us to take DD. I've explained that unless I can get DD to take a bottle, I won't be able to come... End of... No pleading.
I agree entirely that you should invite who you want to your wedding but I was a bit shocked when they are asking DH to be an usher and for us to travel to Scotland to be there and won't allow DD to come as this effectively means I can't go and DH is expected to travel all that way for a wedding his family is not invited to!
A babe in arms costs them nothing, doesn't take up a seat and I totally would leave the church and speeches at the first whimper... And I'd sit at the back so I could leave without disturbing anyone.
As someone else said, this is wedding for family and friends..doesn't seem too friendly to me!

OP posts:
dinkystinky · 04/01/2011 11:44

Kentmummy- I went to a wedding in France when DS1 was 4 months old. Also exclusively BF and screamed blue murder at a bottle (on that, I'd say take a look at the bf and bottle feeding threads for good tips - though in my case, I just gave up with DS1 and DS2 as there was no way they were ever going to take bottles from me while they knew their favourite milk source was in the room). And kids, even DS1, were definitely not invited to the party. Fortunately the venue was a hotel so we got rooms upstairs and took my MIL with us - she got a free holiday and we both attended the wedding, with me nipping out every couple of hours to check on MIL/DS1 and feed/cuddle/play as needed. It worked fine - MIL took DS1 for several walks and had lots of fun with him and he was perfectly happy. Is that a possibility for you? Only downside was that the trip ended up being £££ (but it was always going to be anyway I guess)

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 04/01/2011 11:56

I'm relieved you're relieved Grin

Unrulysanta · 04/01/2011 11:57

Kungfupanda - love the little baby hands reaching for your crinoline :)

I think part of the reason people don't invite children is that children cry because they are having a really miserable time stuck in a chair having to be quiet. This clearly doesn't apply to the op. I'd be pissed off if they understand the situation and wouldn't bend so that you can be there and dh wouldn't go because he'd want to be with us rather than help out where we're not welcome.

TandB · 04/01/2011 12:00

Crinoline? [screams]
Vera Wang strapless sheath. Please.

choppitychop · 04/01/2011 12:02

Well, Maisie if you really want to know, there was no element of "Bridezilla" about it.

Loads of food, all booze free, all in one place, no bridesmaids or ushers, guests not required to hang around and be summoned for photos, no line-ups.

Everyone could relax, eat and drink as much as they wanted, do what they liked and we were complemented on how much fun it was as we didn't herd people around but allowed them to enjoy themselves.

I don't think it was too selfish to arrange things so that in that one minute of your life when you're pledging to spend the rest of it with the person that you love, you don't have to worry about disruption. That is what a wedding is - not just a party.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 04/01/2011 12:11

Any children/adults with disabilities/bf babies Chopity, or were they specifically not invited?

The thing is, the OP would be quite happy to leave the minute the baby made a sound, or to not attend the service but to join the guests for the rest of the day, but she's been told no. That to me smacks of utter selfishness and lack of empathy on the part of the couple (and I refuse to go down the bridezilla route, as the groom is also responsible for the wedding).

TandB · 04/01/2011 12:21

I don't think it is helpful to lump in "adults with disabilities" together with children/babies. It sort of drags in a suggestion that a bride/groom who chooses a child-free wedding is also the type of person who would discriminate against someone with disabilities. Not nice.

I would imagine that very few people would exclude an adult with a disability. It's a completely different situation and one that would, no doubt, be carefully considered.

humanoctopus · 04/01/2011 12:23

Don't know if its been asked before, but do the bride/groom zillas have children?

choppitychop · 04/01/2011 12:25

As I said, children were not invited. At the time none of the potential guests were either disabled or had babies.

My general point is - you can invite or not invite who you want and equally well those invited can come or not as they wish, for whatever reason, without you feeling aggrieved. It should be as simple as that.

The OP's friend is only unreasonable in expecting her husband to be an usher if their baby is not invited, as she should realise that it may be difficult for them to attend.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 04/01/2011 12:28

I'm 'lumping' them in together because the most common objection on this thread to children being invited to weddings is the disruption that they will cause - and yet in our family, it's the adults with disabilities who would cause the most amount of disruption. If you are objecting to the possible noise at the precise moment that you are making your vows, then I fail to see why you wouldn't want to exclude everyone who may just ruin your day.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 04/01/2011 12:30

If there had been a b/f baby Chopity, what would you have done?

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 04/01/2011 12:30

Choppity

mayorquimby · 04/01/2011 12:31

"A babe in arms costs them nothing, doesn't take up a seat and I totally would leave the church and speeches at the first whimper... And I'd sit at the back so I could leave without disturbing anyone."

Which is what any reasonable person would do and what every parent would say prior to a wedding. Yet everyone here will have been to weddings that have been disrupted by a crying child who has not been removed.

sobloodystupid · 04/01/2011 12:32

Children were not invited to our wedding. We didn't have any, didn't want little 'uns running around or having to put on a clown, babysitter etc. Lots of drinking going on for some time as well!. However, I like to think I would've made an exception for babies. As it was, my sister refused to come as she didn't want to leave her 6 year old! I think that you will have to decline the invitation, plan something lovely for yourselves that weekend tho'

humanoctopus · 04/01/2011 12:34

I think that it is silly to feel that the whole wedding day is about celebrating your committment to eachother.

Its a day out/party.

Wedding invitations/celebrations that state 'no children', 'black and white', etc., or insist that we book their arranged accomodation smack of those hideous MTV american 'My Super Sweet 16' parties.

TandB · 04/01/2011 12:34

Then in your family, no doubt that fact is given careful consideration when a wedding is being planned. It is a much less common situation, however, than a decision about children attending a wedding.

Just because someone chooses not to have children attend does not make them the type of people who would say to an adult with disabilities 'no, you can't come because you are noisy." It is a completely different, and much more sensitive, consideration.

Unrulysanta · 04/01/2011 12:47

Yeah - in my head you're wearing a huge frothy meringue. That's t'internet for ya. Wink

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 04/01/2011 12:47

It is a completely different, more sensitive consideration - as is a b/f baby. If the disruption is something that bothers you to the extreme that you would exclude a b/f baby, then I do wonder what stance you would take with other 'groups' of guests.

Original poster
Kentmummy · 04/01/2011 12:49

Surely if someone is your friend and you think enough of them to have them at your wedding, you would be flexible enough to make some allowance for certain issues to facilitate the people you want there to be able to actually go! Not just a third of their family!

OP posts:
TandB · 04/01/2011 12:51

Unrulysanta - I'm not sure I want to be dancing around in your head wearing a meringue. Your head sounds like a scary place.
Let me out! Let me out!