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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pee'd off DD is not invited to friends wedding

263 replies

Kentmummy · 03/01/2011 21:07

DH and I have been invited to a good friends wedding in feb. We live in Kent and wedding is in Scotland. DH has been asked to be an usher.
The bride and groom are good friends and we were very excited to be going... Until they said no children were invited.
I appreciate this is their wedding and I understand the no children policy if it was down to numbers but our DD is only 9 weeks old so won't cost them a penny or take up a seat. I said I'd sit at the back of the church and leave immediately as soon as she made the smallest noise.
They have refused.... The problem is I'm breast feeding so I can't leave her for the day and night as she would starve and my boobs would burst!
I've tried to give her a bottle so I can go and leave her with family but she just won't take it.
As DH is an usher he still has to go but without me... Also means we have to travel to Scotland so I can sit in a hotel while DH is at wedding.
AIBU to be pretty pissed off and think they are being a bit mean?

OP posts:
humanoctopus · 03/01/2011 21:53

I just don't understand why people don't want children at weddings.

My precious cousin gave the excuse that she didn't want to be 'upstaged' by cute children.

I think that precious brides suffer later when they have ishoos with their pfb Grin

ChippingIn · 03/01/2011 21:54

KFP - no they aren't holding a gun to his head - but they have asked him to travel to Scotland to be their usher and now have told him his 9 week old baby isn't allowed to go Hmm

Casseopeia · 03/01/2011 21:54

YANBU. I didn't have kids at our wedding, and I didn't think twice about my friend bringing her new bub! Of course you make an exception for littlest babies.

Weddings bore me to tears now anyway. Half of them are out of town or O/S and you have to spend a fortune & re-arrange your life just to be there. I really can't think of anybody whose wedding I would absolutely die to miss.

pepperspook2011 · 03/01/2011 21:55

Can you be sure there's not another private reason for them not making what seems like an obvious special exception for you. Past m/c or abortion, loss of a baby years ago to one of the couple's families... that sort of thing?

They might specifically not want to be reminded of new mums with tiny babies on that day - you can't know for sure.

I would gracefully refuse, as you've said - you won't enjoy it anyway if you push to go because all the time you're there you'll feel self-conscious and slightly unwelcome. I had that at a wedding I went to with the dcs where someone had warned me some of the other guests didn't like children - the bride and groom were officially welcoming (but childfree) - I just couldn't relax in case the dcs did anything too toddlerish. It just wasn't a child-friendly wedding (just by chance really, we were the first of the friendship group with kids). And officially I was welcome - I can't imagine how I'd have felt at a wedding knowing I'd brought a baby against the couple's wishes, by wheedling them into agreeing. Talk about stressful!

curlymama · 03/01/2011 21:56

No amount of 'pressure' would make me treat my friends like that, and I do think they are being treated badly. And if my parents had wanted me to because they were paying, I'd tell them where to shove their money. My friends feelings are more important than the fancy venue and favours.

ChippingIn · 03/01/2011 21:57

carrotsandcelery - wow - it was your wedding and you allowed your parents total say over it - talk about sell your soul for the price of a bag of chips.

humanoctopus · 03/01/2011 21:59

My experience of the 'no children' rule has always been with bridezilla types.

If it was just to avoid cousin x with her monster child, then they would/could simply have a whisper in the OP's dh's ear to come along on the day regardless and act all innocent.

BrandyAlexander · 03/01/2011 21:59

We were in exactly the same situation a couple of years ago (even down to DH being the usher). I stupidly encouraged DH to go, but said that I wouldnt go. I had a difficult couple of days and after that experience our rule became that if DD wasn't invited, fine, but neither of us was going. So in your situation, your DH should seriously consider not going (if that's what you both really want), but just don't make a big deal of it.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 03/01/2011 22:00

I wouldn't go, and would leave it up to DH to decide whether he wanted to go.

I think on this occasion they could have made an exception, given that your DH and the groom have been friends for so long, but they may have their reasons. Otoh, they may simply have got caught up in the whole "me, you, us" of the day. In which case keep your fingers crossed for them to be bitten on the bum in years to come (miaow) Grin

Lamorna · 03/01/2011 22:04

I would just politely decline and tell them it is impossible. Let DH make up his own mind, I am sure they can find another usher.

mayorquimby · 03/01/2011 22:06

I'd say yabu.
But I wouldn't feel that your dh is duty bound to go if it is unfeasible and I certainly wouldn't expect you to go up and sit in a hotel room.

troisgarcons · 03/01/2011 22:06

Their wedding I'm afraid, their guest list.

cobbledtogether · 03/01/2011 22:10

Its their wedding, so you can't expect them to change for you.

We've been in this situation a couple of times. The first time with DS they made an exception as he was 8 weeks old and they understood that it wasn't practical to leave babies so young and especially not if they're bf.

The second time with DD, neither of us went. We explained that we couldn't leave dd, but we wished them all the best. DH decided not to go as he said he'd feel like a git leaving me and 2 dcs behind and we were either all invited or not.

Now I've stopped bf'ing I wouldn't mind a child free night off!

Carrotsandcelery · 03/01/2011 22:15

ChippingIn that was entirely unneccesary. You have no idea what our circumstances were other than those I have outlined above. Our souls were not the wedding, they were the vows we made to each other. Your comment is irrelevant to the op.

humanoctopus · 03/01/2011 22:16

I think you both should not go.

But you should state it in the rsvp exactly why you are not going.

Pantofino · 03/01/2011 22:21

It's quite clear to me. Sorry WE can't leave the baby, so WE won't be coming. End of. You can choose to have a child free wedding - fair enough - but then you don;t get to ask the guests who are PARENTS to put themselves out for you either.

monkeyflippers · 03/01/2011 22:22

I think it is really mean of them actually. I had a similar situation where my DH had to stay outside the venue with our 3 week old baby as children weren't allowed. I stayed for the ceremony but then had to go as I couldnt' just leave them out there while I had dinner and listened to speaches. Was BF so they couldn't go far. My DH was very pissed off.

Carrotsandcelery · 03/01/2011 22:29

I have sat in a dark hotel room with my friend's dd so that she and dh can attend her brother's wedding reception.

She was invited to be flower girl at the wedding but not to the reception.
That was a fun evening - I ended up sitting on the bathroom floor reading Hmm

oggybags · 03/01/2011 22:30

Have had similar issues over last year within our group of friends, we had no kids at our wedding and I loved it, friends allowed a couple of teeny tinys and had a mare; others who's kids weren't allowed were snotty all day and one of the parents of the babies idea of 'when they make noise' was very different to the rest of the congregation... Cue a few shreiks at key points the cry then scream befor finally and v v noisily leaving church... If your dh wants to go solo go for it, or if you'd like to go too could you not express esnough for a couple of days and ontinue qhilst ur away but leave your baby with gps? Hope yo reach happy decision, and don't get to het up or pensonql about it, not worth fall out

countrybump · 03/01/2011 22:33

What a horrid situation. I think the bride and groom are being really mean, and inflexible, but maybe they just don't understand the situation - I'm assuming they don't have children and so don't understand just how hard it would be to leave a 9 week old.
I can see why your husband still wants to go, and of course it's probably the right thing for him to still go anyway, and he'll probably enjoy it, but that's not the point is it - you should both be able to be there or neither of you!

countrybump · 03/01/2011 22:34

carrotsandcelery - you sound like a very good friend!

oggybags · 03/01/2011 22:35

Pls ignore poor sp on phone!!

curlymama · 03/01/2011 22:38

Carrots, the circumstances you outlined above are enough tbh. Or did your parents hold a gun to your head to make you allow them to control your wedding?

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/01/2011 22:38

"As DH is an usher he still has to go "

Does he really? No matter how old a friend the groom is, being asked to be an usher does not mean you have to accept. I would have been very pissed off with my DH if he had bu**ered off (overnight plus) to a wedding leaving me alone with a 9 week old.

Given the upset this is causing, and the expense, I really think your DH should be thinking a little straighter.

arentfanny · 03/01/2011 22:40

We had some guests stay last year. One couple was paying for their freinds to stay for the weekend and look after their baby, babysitting couple would take baby to reception when it needed feeding.

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