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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if some men

79 replies

Mishy1234 · 31/12/2010 08:26

AIBU to wonder if some men (my DH being one) genuinely don't see things which need to be done?

Last night I took some washing out of the machine, hung up what couldn't be tumble dried and put the rest in the basket to go out to the tumble dryer (in the garage). I was caught on the sofa with a perpetual bf baby, so didn't get a chance to put it out. DH was in and out of the kitchen all evening, but this morning the basket of wet clothes was still there. Now it all has to be washed again as it smells.

I admit to losing my temper a bit with DH about it. He says he just didn't see it as something which needed to be done. How hard is it to put your hand down and see it's damp washing? He also says he doesn't know how to operate a washing machine, despite writing software as a living.

Is he right? Do men (a generalisation I know) just not 'see' things which need to be done?

OP posts:

carrotcake29 · 31/12/2010 08:29

No he is not right. Some Men don't 'want' to see the things that need doing and therefore walk round with tunnel vision. My DH also says he doesn't know what needs to be done despite me telling him the same things for 7 years.
Frankly I think it is a load of rubbish...

Goblinchild · 31/12/2010 08:31

Well, not knowing how to operate a washing machine is inexcusable and he needs to get that sorted, along with any other domestic equipment he's unfamiliar with.
However, in the household I live in, we point out the obvious a lot, otherwise stuff doesn't get 'seen' We don't use telepathy, or the expectation that if I think it's obvious, someone else will respond the same way.
I would have said 'Please put the washing in the tumble drier.' Only once, enough to point out a job that needs doing.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 31/12/2010 08:34

If he rights software fir a living simply hand him a notebook and tell him how everything works or just give him the manuals

Kentmummy · 31/12/2010 08:34

My DH says the exact same thing. Occasionally I get pissed off and he always says that he didn't notice X needed doing and I should tell him and he would do it... My reply is always that no one tells me what needs doing in house, I can see for myself and I do it. It's baffled me for years as to whether the whole arguement of not seeing it is total rubbish or whether some men are really that oblivious!

Original poster

Mishy1234 · 31/12/2010 08:36

Goblinchild- I do see your point and think part of the reason I was so annoyed is that I forgot it was there and didn't ask him to do it. I just find it hard to believe he didn't see it needed to be done as we have a small galley kitchen and he would literally have to have stepped over the basket several times. I do think your system a good way forward though.

carrotcake- yes, I do suspect there is an element of just not 'wanting' to see too.

Arrgh, I just want him to take the initiative sometimes!

OP posts:

onimolap · 31/12/2010 08:40

Some people just don't see what needs to be done - or have a blind spot about certain jobs. I don't see this as a male/female thing btw, it happened in my flat-sharing days long ago too.

If he doesn't see laundry and it bothers you, then you'll have to tell him what needs doing, or seethe in silence, or not do his washing until he learns to appreciate rather better what is going on.

Puffykins · 31/12/2010 08:42

My DH never 'sees' what needs doing. Every so often we have an argument about it, I cry, and his vision miraculously improves for anywhere between 1 and 5 days (depending on how long I cried for) and then it's back to normal.

Apparently, it's hard for him, as he has to 'keep up to my standards.' Basically, I notice that the house needs hoovering approximately a month before he will. However, on the plus side, he's finally got the hang of using a plate to catch the crumbs when he has a sandwich.
I've given up to be honest. The house is tidy and not filthy exactly, but I keep the lighting low. It works better in the winter, incidentally, this approach to housework . . . .

onmyfeet · 31/12/2010 08:44

My dh does see what needs to be done, but doesn't always notice laundry for some reason. He will hang it out or put it in the dryer if I ask or if he was the one who washed it. Or if he is working in the laundry room, he will notice a halfway done load and will finish it. (He makes his wine and beer in there)
I don't think situations like this happen overnight though. Show him how to use the washer/dryer/dishwasher. Put notes up with 1-2-3 steps if he is forgetful. (not that it is difficult, my sons, and I bet a lot of other kid's of mn'ers have been using them since pre-teen years.
About not seeing them as important, it is possible, that since it is "your job"(assuming from his lack of know-how) he simply paid no attention to it type of thing. Maybe ask him to lend a hand? I know I forget I have things in the washer sometimes and am so mad at myself when I go downstairs and open it to do a wash! Ugh!

queenofthecapitalwasteland · 31/12/2010 08:46

It's men! Our washing machine is broken so a couple of days ago I handwashed some bath towels (my back still hurts) hung hem over radiators until they were dry enough to stick in a tumble dryer only to come back from work yesterday to find he'd used one of these clean folded towels to clean up water off the floor instead of the oodles of dish towels or even the towel the cats occasionally lie on! He's another one who 'can't' use the washing machine tried showing him, the only way he does any washing is if i stand over him threatening him the whole time.

KPee · 31/12/2010 08:48

After 11 years I've realised that he can't/won't read my mind re household jobs. If something needs doing I'll ask him to do it directly. Also only one job at a time - if i were to ask him to do three jobs I'd be met with resistance. After literally years of agro and chuntering I've found that conversations start with 'why don't you just do X & Y.....' far far less.

I'd rather he think I'm bossy than a nag on this issue. Actually I'd like him to do it without being asked as part of his adult responsility of part owner and occupier of our own home, but I'd also like to win the lottery - the chance of which is roughly equal.

Goblinchild · 31/12/2010 08:49

'He's another one who 'can't' use the washing machine tried showing him, the only way he does any washing is if i stand over him threatening him the whole time.'

Well, that's just him being an arse. Washing machines are not complicated, if he can't remember then he needs to write himself instructions. That's what my Aspie son does.

TDada · 31/12/2010 08:57

Not seeing the washing is one thing........not being able to operate a washing machine is another. In fact it is a give away. He is taking the p if he says hat he doesn't know to operate a washing machine.

Can I say that his mom and you haven't trained him well.

My grandma trained my dad to stay very far away from the kitchen. When I was growing up all work in he house was done by domestic help/mom/sisters. I was given work to do at a young age but mostly "man's work".

As soon after marriage my DW confronted me on the isse and we argued and then expectations were reset. I think that DW would say that pulling my weight is a now strong point.

Writing a full list of what needs to be done could be an interim measure but medium term he will need to apply common sense and judgement, obviously.

TDada · 31/12/2010 09:04

Guys - I try to bring the male perspective and have no interest bashing other men....but "I don't know how to use the washing machine should be a red flag for playing dumb/being useless". Mand/most men pride themselves at being able to drive/work out gadgets/build machines.....can't use the washing machine ..tut tut.......can't use the washing machine ..tut tut...

Got to show some of these threads to DW and ask for brownie points

mousesma · 31/12/2010 09:09

I don't think it's just men or all men that do this. However my DH would never do any chores unprompted but if I ask him to do something her always does it.

I don't think it's because he doesn't know it needs doing as such but our domestic standards are definitely different.

For example I insist he hoovers the house and mops all the floors once a week. Now to most people this is probably being a bit slatternly but he thinks its excessive and it only needs doing once every 2/3 weeks. Therefore even though he always is supposed to do this every sunday if I don't specifically ask him to do it he won't do it and will feel pleased with herself for having got away with it.

It is infuriating and makes me feel like a nag.

mousesma · 31/12/2010 09:10

got the gender completely buggered up in the above because I've been posting about DD all morning!

HSMM · 31/12/2010 09:11

My DH is fairly good at domestic 'stuff'. He will do things, but not in the order I would do them (I don't mention that). He does ask me how to work the washing machine EVERY TIME he puts a load on. However, he really bugs me by giving me a list of what he has done at the end of the day, as if I have been sitting on the settee painting my nails all day .

(Can't complain I suppose)

My DD is the one who can walk past a sock in the middle of her bedroom floor without seeing it for a week.

cakeretention · 31/12/2010 09:16

"Arrgh, I just want him to take the initiative sometimes!"

Does he normally do the washing? Sometimes people get annoyed if others "take over" a job that they're doing mid way through. Say he had disassembled the doorbell then got called away to do something else. Would you finish the job? Would he be pleased if you did?

If I need DH to finish the washing then I ask him and he does it. If he needs me to finish mowing the lawn then the same applies. It works very well.

northernrock · 31/12/2010 09:21

I am absolutely gobsmacked by this thread.

I can't beleive that we live in a world where women have to either:

Do all the housework themselves

Nag their OH until they do something.

Boss them/tell them what needs doing every time the same chores come up

Write them instructionson how to use the washing machine ffs!

Are these grown up men we are talking about??
You are not all married to your former pupils or anything??They are all over 18, yes?

Ok, I am single, so maybe my tolerance is lessened by years of not having to treat men as though they are brain damaged, but seriously!!??

I know how impossible it can be in this situation, and I am not just blaming women for this-men , a lot of them, will try and get away with doing nowt, or force you to nag/boss them, but don't they realise one crucial thing?
When you have been washing their dirty undies, cleaning their shit and piss off the toilet and generally doing all the dusting/vacuuming(or feeling like their mum nagging them) the very last thing you feel like doing is giving them a blow job.

If men realised that what really turns you on (ok then, me)is when they clean something without being asked

Try pointing this out

Original poster

Mishy1234 · 31/12/2010 09:22

So many people with the same problem. Seems I'm not as alone as I thought!

TDada- I'm not sure if his Mum hasn't trained him. I do know that his own Dad definitely does a lot around the house without being asked. Yes, I do admit defeat on the training front. I have tried, but have been labelled a 'nag' as I have to keep on and on asking. I can't just ask and then it's done. I need to keep on and on asking, over and over. It stresses me out and makes me annoyed. Not really an atmosphere I want around my DC's.

DH does do some things. Just the things he enjoys doing though! He loves cooking, so he does a lot of that. I've lost count at how often I've been told how 'lucky' I have to have him. I am appreciative of his cooking, but wish he'd help out with other stuff too.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 31/12/2010 09:24

I think it's some men, and lots of teenagers...it's as if their brains aren't fully developed or something.

MumNWLondon · 31/12/2010 09:24

My DH is generally helpful but no he wouldn't notice it either. I'd have to say sort the laundry out. He'd say that if he saw the laundry he wouldn't necessary realise it was wet.

He also never wipes work surfaces...

Goblinchild · 31/12/2010 09:25

here we go again.
No I don't nag, or do everything in a cloud of martyrdom. I just use words to communicate rather than telepathy.
Why is that so difficult to understand?

shoshe · 31/12/2010 09:25

I was very ill at the end of last year and DH was off work for quite a while so he took over a lot of the house work.

Like many on here he never 'saw' what actually needed doing.

If I told him he did it, but not on his own initiative.

So I started writing everything on a white board, so that he could wipe it off as he did it.

We still use one, I work full time and DH works shifts, so it can be either one of us that can have time to clean properly, when the house is empty.

I write on the board at the beginning of the week, with everything that is needed for that week, and both of us do it (OK DH does tend to cherry pick the things he dosn't mind doing, leaving me the things like mopping the
floors)

But he does now actually notice things more, he actually cleaned down all the cupboards in the kitchen before Christmas, off his own bat!

northernrock · 31/12/2010 09:27

Goblinchild-but why should you have to tell him? Does anybody have to tell you what needs doing?

And writing instructions all the time-is that not just making more work for you?

Original poster

Mishy1234 · 31/12/2010 09:31

Goblinchild- I totally get where you are coming from, but what do you do if you ask and then it's not done? This is where I have the problem. I do ask (ok, not on the occasion in question, but mostly) and an hour later it still isn't done. I don't want dirty washing or rubbish hanging around in my kitchen for that length of time for the DC's to fall over. How do you stop the 'asking' turning into 'nagging'?

OP posts:

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