To wonder if some men

[Mishy1234]

AIBU to wonder if some men (my DH being one) genuinely don't see things which need to be done?

Last night I took some washing out of the machine, hung up what couldn't be tumble dried and put the rest in the basket to go out to the tumble dryer (in the garage). I was caught on the sofa with a perpetual bf baby, so didn't get a chance to put it out. DH was in and out of the kitchen all evening, but this morning the basket of wet clothes was still there. Now it all has to be washed again as it smells.

I admit to losing my temper a bit with DH about it. He says he just didn't see it as something which needed to be done. How hard is it to put your hand down and see it's damp washing? He also says he doesn't know how to operate a washing machine, despite writing software as a living.

Is he right? Do men (a generalisation I know) just not 'see' things which need to be done?

My son writes his own instructions because he has Asperger's, needs to follow a sequence, is 16 and doesn't want to be a useless plonker with no respect from his mother.
Don't you use a recipe book ever?
OH finds it puzzling when he has to remind me about things that are obvious to him, or explain something he takes for granted should be known.
Not infuriating, just puzzling.
DD, 20yo has OCD so she gets to clean the bathrooms to her satisfaction, because no one else does it quite right.
We like living together as a family, my relationship with OH has lasted for almost 30 years now and has been mostly harmonious.
That suits me and my family.

shoshe- the whiteboard is a very good idea. I do have one for meal planning, so will give it a go and see how we get on.

I don't know the answer to the problem you have Mishy1234, because if it's a job someone has been asked to do, it tends to get done without nagging. Unless there is a logical reason why it hasn't happened.

I think make a job one person's responsibility. Say the washing, one person does all of it, there can't be any getting out of it then.

I can't believe (unless they have a specific problem) that anyone can't work a washing machine.

"Does anybody have to tell you what needs doing?"

Yes, often, if it's not stuff I do normally. I was driving my car around for (probably) ages with one brake light not working. First time DH got in he noticed it straight away (god knows how).

Same day he had driven to the garage, bought a new one and put it in. Not rocket science, but it's unlikely I'd have noticed or bought the right type of bulb even if I had (DH says it's obvious which one to buy, more so than which setting on the washing machine to use...)

Sometimes you expect everyone else to be exactly in tune with the things that you are doing and noticing. Doesn't work that way.

' Does anybody have to tell you what needs doing?'

Sometimes, and I have pointed out that I'm talented in many areas but mind reading isn't one of them.

Goblin, I was referring to shoshe's comments (and others) about the whiteboard really.
Writing down something for your son who has Aspergers is a totally different thing.

I guess if it works for you, and you certainly don't seem annoyed by it, but it would drive me nuts having to write instructions for grown men.

When you use a recipe from a book, or instructions from a manual for that matter, you are getting instructions on something you do not usually do.

I would assume that laundry, vacuuming, and taking out the rubbish are things that are done regularly.
I don't look in a recipe book to find out how to boil an egg!

I guess, underlying this all is the fact that the DHs think that the house is your responsibility/domain.

It does irritate me slightly that DW thinks that she has final say on house things if we disagree. I have mostly "surrendered" on this to make life easier.

Also, I note that if I spent more time playing sport at week ends etc.-, and then focussed more on springing romantic surprises we would probably argue less. Just thinking aloud/reflecting.

DH doesn't see things and I think it's genuine as he's very helpful. He's learned to ask what needs doing - he used to tell me I needed to tell him what to do but then I got annoyed as he was making me be a nag. He has set jobs so I put washing machine on then he hangs it up and when dry puts it in the airing cupboard - I think the noise of the machine and the clothes hanging up are obvious enough for him to notice.

He used to do hoovering too but now only does top two floors of our town house and I do downstairs as he wasn't doing it often enough and we had cat fur like tumbleweeds!

Today we are having a housework day in time for New Year's party so he will ask what needs doing and I'll tell him - but no shouting etc just polite asking. Frustrating though!

northernrock - because its about areas of competence and priorities. I have to ask my dh to hoover - because to him it's not important - but he does it because its important 2 me. He has to ask me 2 remember to check the oil and water in the car and I'm ashamed to say to put diesel in ;( -

I'm a teacher in a class with two TAs. We have a jobs list book, where we write things down that need to be done and tick them off as we go.
We make the list so nothing gets forgotten, we tick things off so we know what has been done.
How is that different to a whiteboard list?
If you live in a home with several other people, several of whom also have jobs, college or whatever, you need some sort of system to keep track of what's happening.
I did get a bit irritated when I went shopping, came back and found that DD had bought several essential items but not crossed them off the shopping list, so we had duplicates.

Tdada, I would like to bet that if you spent more time cleaning and tidying off your own bat you would probably argue less.
Nothing says romance like a man who doesn't need to be nagged.

She probably feels like the house is her domain because she is the one who takes care of it the most.

I would happily relinquish my "domain" for a man who liked cleaning it!

My DH was brought up in a house where he didn't have to do a tap - only boy with two sisters, and he was the golden child.

As a result, when we married he had no idea what it took to run a house, and genuinely didn't know what needed to be done.

He still doesn't see things that need doing in the same way I do, but he has a list of things that he does regularly - laundry being one of those. Similarly, he knows that he's responsible for keeping things tidy downstairs, and a few other small tasks. Those get done without any reminders from me, because they're 'his' jobs.

If anything else needs doing, I just ask him. Once. He's not a child, he doesn't need to be nagged, and I accept that when I ask him to do something it might not happen instantly, but it will get done.

I don't find it frustrating any more - apart from when I have to ask him and DS why I'm the only one gifted enough to do the tricky manoevre of actually moving something from the worktop to the dishwasher. I can only assume that requires a special talent that they don't have

Northernrock- actually, I work very long full time hours and I also work my butt off at home. No complaints from DW in that regard. So does DW actually so I am not complaining.

For example, I get up early to make pack lunches and give kids breakfast before commuting to the city for a long day. When I get home, I more times than not, start the cooking their dinner for next day - kids do many activities so DW will be rushing around after her PT job to make it al work. Then she has to feed them.

When I back in time, I will take lead in the bath time. There is always something else for DW to do likehelp with home work so she is not sitting around either.

We have a cleaner and gardener but I weekend, I do a bit of house work (vaccuum house) and garden work (leaf blowing or cut lawns). I also take kids to Saturday activities.

I also have to squeeze in some exercise. I do as much washing and drying , I manage all the bins, clean and polish everyone's shoes.....I could go on.

I am not complaining cos we are lucky in many ways and we have chosen/allowed kids to take up some of their interests.

But I often feel that I would be better off playing less of the new man and being more strategically romantic IYWIM. Less grief and more appreciaion

Another thread where men get a bashing.
There is support and reasonable arguments from some people on here though.
As a man I feel that for a household to run efficiently there are tasks that need to be completed. In our house whoever has the skills and the time to complete those tasks does them ie I am fairly competent at DIY so I do most of that, my wife is great with finance she does that. Washing - a shared task, washing basket full I am at home I do it -- simple.
There are times when it is "convenient" to not see a task that needs doing and then one of us will then be a bit pissed of that the other has not done the task. This, at least in our household, is not simply a reason of incompetence due to different chromosomes but one of avoidance.
I don't know if I am lucky enough to have wonderful male friends and relatives but all the men I know share domestic tasks.
In our house I do the majority of domestic tasks as although we both work full time I am at home more than my wife.
There is a huge amount of generalisation on MN regarding men and their inadequicies. Not all men are lazy, incompetent, women beating, ne'er do well rapscallions. A good number of us are decent human beings.

For fucks sake I feel as though I have just written an essay.

Caron, that sounds totally reasonable. Your set up at home obviously needs no adjustment.

And Tdada, I must have misunderstood what you meant, sorry.

But if by man bashing you are referring to my posts (and I hope not) I think you will find I am incredulous by the number of women who feel it necessary to enable their husbands (real or supposed) uselessness.

I am simply gobsmacked by anyone having to constantly remind their DH/ write instructions for everyday tasks etc.

I am saying men are not genetically unable to notice when housework needs doing.

I definitely do not think men are not up to the task of doing tedious, repetitive houswework. And I don't think they should have to be told.

If I was a man I would hate to be treated like an imbecile and I would make damn sure I didn't need to be.

This might have happened in my house too - now generally, my DH (retired) sees the washing as 'his job' bless him and does it all from start to finish - loading, unloading, hanging, airing cupboard etc. However, he has one 'blind spot' which I find a little odd and it might be what happened with the OP's DH - if I start off a load of washing myself, which I do occasionally if I want something in a hurry, then my DH seems completely oblivious to it. He wouldn't take it out of the machine when done, nor hang it if he found it damp in a washing basket. It used to annoy me but then I realised it wasn't even deliberate, but just a linear way of thinking - he didn't start it off, so it isn't registering on his radar.

I am the same with the rubbish, also 'his job'. I just don't see full bins because at some subconscious level I know they aren't my problem and will soon get done.

Agree that the answer is to ask, clearly and nicely.

I think the OP is being a bit unfair, I might not have noticed the basket of damp clothes either (and I'm not a man btw) and it would have been better if she'd just asked her DH to sort it out as she had her hands full with the baby. If DP is doing a load of laundry I don't tend to interfere with it, I assume he has it under control and things are where they are for a reason.

No sympathy with 'not being able to operate the washing machine' though, that's just ridiculous and would make me very annoyed. If you can use a computer and write software, you can figure out how to use a washing machine. Tell him to Google it (I just did and you get instructions and videos and everything :D). He doesn't want to know how, is more like it. Has he never lived on his own and had to do his own laundry?

I came downstairs yesterday, saw the state of the living room (all basic stuff really: rubbish needed taking out, ds' dirty clothes needed to be put in the washing bin, shelves were messy, floor needed hoovering etc) and said to dh "I'll need to clean the living room today."

He replied "But I did it last night when you were in bed."

Enough said I think.

not more pathetic sweeping "all men are x" posts?

ffs, its not a man/woman thing, its a people thing.

Some of the attitudes on this thread seem a bit, well, rigid. Operating a washing machine might be straightforward, but deciding which program is appropriate for a particular item of laundry is not, if only because it involves reading the care label which is in fucking microprint and has probably faded anyway. Someone who writes code for a living, like the OP's other half, might easily find the ambiguity frustrating and absurd and then express himself by saying that he can't understand the process.

I'm useless around the house, my DH has to do most of the housework coz I genuinely don't notice things until they get to a stupid extent - I have been known to pick up the washing basket that he has left on the couch (to see if it makes me put the stuff away out of it - subtle!!!) and put it on the floor so I can sit down, and I won't have realised that I've done it! Hubby now has got used to this domestic blindness and if something needs doing he asks and I get it done, I just never notice when it needs doing! Although, I'm better at DIY than he is so maybe the roles are just reversed in our home? Xxx

definitely a people thing rather than a man thing. In our house DP is the one that notices things like washing/cleaning need doing while I just seem to have a blindspot for that type of work. I could easily step over a pile of washing and not think that it neeed dealing with. He on the other hand has a blindspot for organising presents for family birthdays and doing finances so it all works out in the end . To make sure I do help he now gives me specific instructions and I have a set jobs for a set times (my non working day- change beds, sunday afternoon tidy living room thoroughly) Once I have mastered one job he adds another although it takes a while to get to that stage . I like the whiteboard idea though- it would help me as I will know that there is something for me to do. I don't mind doing things it really is that I need them pointing out to me.

Claiming not to know how the washing machine works is not the same as not noticing things. Type up some basic instructions a leave on top to help him learn.

Isn't using a washing machine something that happens at least a couple of times a week, if not more?
How many times could anyone possibly need showing?

I must say I am bewildered by anyone who doesn't notice mess/chores that need doing. I sometimes write lists for myself, so I don't forget the less obvious things, but I can't imagine not noticing that, for example, the bathroom needs doing.
(I am not the tidiest person on earth either, so it's not that I keep my house totally spick and span-far from it!)

Maybe this is a married thing. I do everything myself, including putting up shelves, not bcos I am better at it, or because I like to, just because I have to.