Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To wonder if some men

79 replies

Mishy1234 · 31/12/2010 08:26

AIBU to wonder if some men (my DH being one) genuinely don't see things which need to be done?

Last night I took some washing out of the machine, hung up what couldn't be tumble dried and put the rest in the basket to go out to the tumble dryer (in the garage). I was caught on the sofa with a perpetual bf baby, so didn't get a chance to put it out. DH was in and out of the kitchen all evening, but this morning the basket of wet clothes was still there. Now it all has to be washed again as it smells.

I admit to losing my temper a bit with DH about it. He says he just didn't see it as something which needed to be done. How hard is it to put your hand down and see it's damp washing? He also says he doesn't know how to operate a washing machine, despite writing software as a living.

Is he right? Do men (a generalisation I know) just not 'see' things which need to be done?

OP posts:

spiggy · 31/12/2010 12:04

You are supposed to read the care instructions on the label? Far too time consuming. I just bung everything in and use the same setting for all clothes. Seems to work- I've not mangled anything and they all come out clean We do have 2 washing baskets though- one for lights and one for darks so I don't have to sort them out.

But then I think we've already established that I am a domestic slattern...

minipie · 31/12/2010 12:05

Completely agree spiggy

I don't notice washing and cleaning until the place is a pit, DH on the other hand will do it much more quickly

On the other hand he simply cannot seem to remember dates and never organises anything social or holiday wise so I do those.

As you say it evens out in the end.

What doesn't work is if one partner is doing ALL the home stuff.

Goblinchild · 31/12/2010 12:07

'Maybe this is a married thing. I do everything myself, including putting up shelves, not bcos I am better at it, or because I like to, just because I have to.'

I think it's a shared house thing, your son is about 4 isn't he? So not up to being a fully job sharing person yet. Although I hope he tidies up his stuff and is learning how to dust skirting boards and use a hoover.

TDada · 31/12/2010 12:07

If OP was breastfeeding etc.; possible that OP is (not unresonably) expecting a bit more support from DH during this challenging phase.

northernrock · 31/12/2010 12:19

Maybe Goblin.
I lived in shared flats until fairly recently, and found that (and I am not man bashing here, just observing) male flatmates tended to do a lot less housework.

On the other hand I have also lived with three different men (not at the same time and have never really experienced the things people on here have been complaining about.

I think I just wouldnt put up with it.
(Hmm, wonder why I'm single...!)

And yes, my son has been helping me do laundry today, puts his clothes away in his drawers and will be vacuuming in no time . (Visions of me with my feet up!)

spiggy · 31/12/2010 12:20

Child labour is gooood. The kids take after DP so they already do more tidying than me

TDada- I don't thing the OP is unreasonably in wanting more support- but her DH may need to be told/asked in a different way to get the response she wants. OP- perhaps it might be worth asking him what he needs to help him identify the jobs that need doing/ work the washing machine. People's brains do work in different ways and if there is a different way of structuring what you want from him then that might get the result you need (speaking from experience here )

tingelingle · 31/12/2010 12:24

We've just started using a cleaning agency a couple of hours a week and I keep getting annoyed with them for how much they seem to overlook. But then, after I've phoned up to complain, I look a bit closer and notice with embarrassment that they've done things I never normally touch. So maybe it's just impossible for someone else to do things the way you would like them done. Nothing to do with them being man / woman, just that they are not you.

Goblinchild · 31/12/2010 12:26

Are you thinking of leaving a detailed list?

tingelingle · 31/12/2010 12:44

Oh I did once but then they did all those jobs and didn't do the ones I hadn't written down.

I'm actually thinking about giving up with the agency and getting my DH to do it all....

RockinSockBunnies · 31/12/2010 12:53

I wish I could understand how men think and their lack of ability to 'see' what needs to be done.

I'm not sure if men's brains are wired differently, so that they have inherently lower standards of cleanliness, or whether they don't see the state of their house as a reflection on their abilities as an individual.

DP never notices what needs to be done. It won't occur to him to wipe down surfaces in the evening, once all cooking's been done and everyone's eaten. The ironing is piling up at the moment as the au pair is away and I know that it will be me that does it all as he will happily ignore it forever. He can't use the vacuum cleaner properly, doesn't know how to work the tumble dryer, doesn't know how to work the central heating.....

I don't know. I suppose there's an element of making a rod for my own back. I'm a perfectionist and control freak and like to micro manage everything. If I could just relax and let DP get on with things, then perhaps he'd do more, but at the same time, if he doesn't do things to my standards it annoys me so much that it's best that he never attempts it in the first place.

carrotcake29 · 31/12/2010 12:53

I had to laugh last time I had an argument with my oh about pulling his weight and he came up with " I would do more but you always beat me to it"....I had visions of racing him to the shed to get the lawnmower out and plugged in before he did.

Truckulent · 31/12/2010 12:57

' I'm a perfectionist and control freak and like to micro manage everything. If I could just relax and let DP get on with things, then perhaps he'd do more, but at the same time, if he doesn't do things to my standards it annoys me so much that it's best that he never attempts it in the first place.'

Haven't you answered your own question?
I'm sure you are very nice, but if I lived with you and whatever I did wasn't good enough I wouldn't do it.

minipie · 31/12/2010 13:28

Yes Rock the reason he doesn't see the mess/task is probably because you get to it before it's got to the stage where he would notice it.

I can see things from the "man's" point of view here because I am also someone who doesn't notice tasks that need doing.

For example, I know that I only "notice" the laundry needs doing when I've run out of clothes, whereas DH will do it when there is a full loads worth of laundry (usually a couple of days before I run out of clothes).

So he generally gets there first and I end up never doing the laundry. Which means I never actually get to the point where I run out of clothes. If he left it, I would run out of clothes and would then do the laundry. And after a few rounds of running out of clothes, I would probably learn to do the laundry a bit earlier - eg when there is a full loads worth.

So in the end, I would end up learning to do it to his standard/timing. But first he would have to actually relax and leave the laundry un-done for longer than he'd like.

In short, I suppose I'm saying that men (and some women) don't "notice" things that need doing, because they are always done by someone else before it gets noticeable.

spiggy · 31/12/2010 13:59

excellent way of putting it minipie. If people really can't bear to get to the point that they feel uncomfortable (it would drive DP mad) they need an alternative plan which might have to look at how they communicate what they want to their OH.

I might go and see if there is some laundry to do thanks to this thread. DP'll think I'm after something if he comes home and it is all done

Adversecamber · 31/12/2010 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumi · 31/12/2010 14:07

One thing that doesn't seem to have been mentioned in this thread is that such men (or indeed women) don't SEE because that would involve bothering to LOOK in the first place!

Niceguy2 · 31/12/2010 14:13

Pfft, washing & tidying? Of course we don't see it. Why have a dog and bark yourself?

Goblinchild · 31/12/2010 14:17

Oh look, a man with a wooden spoon!
Come to cook, or just stir?

HeathcliffMoorland · 31/12/2010 14:28

I'm female, and sometimes I genuinely don't notice things that need to be done.

BlingLoving · 31/12/2010 14:42

In our house, responsibilities are broadly split and while the other one will do things not on his/her official list, it tends to require asking. So generally, I will not tidy up in the bedroom or lounge, and to be honest, will only vaguelly notice that it's messy. But DH would let the bathroom get to the point where it was dangerous to enter the room as he wouldn't notice.

I suspect that if we agreed he was responsible for cleaning and I was responsible for tidying, we'd both learn to get it done sooner, but in the meantime, he asks me if he wants me to help and I do the same for him.

Our cleaner is away this week and when I mentioned to DH that we would need to clean he was surprised - as had not noticed - but immediately agreed. But I will land up cleaning bathrooms, surfaces etc and he will vacuum and tidy and mop as that's what we're both best at.

BlingLoving · 31/12/2010 14:43

Oh, and NO excuse for not being able to use a washing machine. Learn.

ahusband · 31/12/2010 14:45

Definitely happens to me all the time, I'm always getting told off for it.

TiggyD · 31/12/2010 14:51

If you don't like the man you have, get rid of him and find a new one. If you want to keep the one you have, with all it's defective bits, stop moaning.

Alternatively, why not get him to write a list of all the things wrong with you? I'm sure you are not perfect in every way yourself.

Truckulent · 31/12/2010 15:09

'I hope he tidies up his stuff and is learning how to dust skirting boards and use a hoover.'

I've never (and never intend to) dust a skirting board, what happens if you don't?

QueenStromba · 31/12/2010 16:48

I believe my male housemates when they say that they just don't see it - they're rooms are an absolute mess. I'm not the tidiest of people myself but to me my room is messy when it's gotten to the point where it would take 10-15 minutes to tidy. My housemates let theirs' get to the stage where it takes 4-8 hours just to get it to a reasonable state (i.e. not as tidy as my room before I tidy it).

None of them have ever properly cleaned the kitchen. Sometimes I'll be a bit lazy and just wash the stuff I need to cook with and leave the rest but a couple of times a week I'll wash everything, tidy everything away, properly clean all the surfaces etc. They'll do stuff if I ask them to but I'll only really ask them to help out if I'm giving the house a proper clean so I can finish of the jobs they haven't done to my standard - something not done properly winds me up more than it not being done at all. I've just about managed to train them to take out the rubbish and recycling when the bins are full so I'm making progress.

The important thing is though that they appreciate what I do for them. I had a bit of a strop at them a while back and it was only really then that they realised how much I was actually doing because things just got done before any of them noticed they needed doing. They offered then to pay for a cleaner but I was really against the idea because I work from home and don't like the idea of a stranger pottering around the house while I'm trying to work. Since then they've been spending the money they would have spent on a cleaner on treats for me so I've been getting loads of "I'll pay for the take away - you cooked dinner yesterday" and "I saw this and thought you'd like it".

Flip

1 2 3 4