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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my MIL not to smoke in her own home when we visit?

108 replies

sheeplikessleep · 30/12/2010 07:54

MIL has always smoked, but DH's nan lived with them (who didn't know her daughter smoked). So, the smoking was restricted to one room and outside.

DHs nan passed away a few months back and my MIL now smokes in every room in the house. To be fair, she doesn't smoke when the kids are in the room (we have a 9 month old and 3 year old), but she is quite happy to smoke in there knowing the kids will be eating in that room in 10 minutes, for example. She smokes in the living room, when we are sat there, when the kids have gone to bed.

Having just spent 3 days there, I am not sure how to handle this. DH was going around opening windows and also had a bit of a coughing fit at one point (cue my MIL saying 'ex-smokers are the worst', DH just walked out of the room).

We only see them every 4 months or so, as they live quite a way away. We also don't have the best relationship with them. But I hate the fact that even DS2s gro-bag smells of smoke Sad. Am I over-reacting by saying anything? DH says it isn't going to cause any 'damage' as we only visit for such a short time and so infrequently. But, I hate it and am on edge there because of it.

How do I handle this in a way that doesn't aggrieve my easily offended MIL? AIBU for asking her not to smoke in say the living room and kitchen when we visit?

OP posts:
RememberToPlaywiththeKids · 30/12/2010 08:00

Gosh that's a difficult one isn't it - I used to smoke and now find the smell of smoke makes me feel nauseous. I personally would ask if she wouldn't mind keeping the main rooms fresher as I know that both DH and I would say it's that or we won't come and stay with you - we'll stay in a B&B and see you in the day outside somewhere. It would be as black and white for us as that I know. It depends where your DHs boundaries are really - if he's ok with it then it's going to be really difficult to change anything.

winnybella · 30/12/2010 08:01

Hmm. Tough one. On the one hand a couple of days once every few months won't hurt the kids, but tbh I wouldn't want my kids inhaling the smoke for even such short periods of time (and I am a smoker myself).

I would ask her-it's not such a hardship to go outside or smoke in another room, far away from the kitchen/living room.

gorionine · 30/12/2010 08:01

Do you mean she should never smoc=ke in her house or that she should not smoke in her house when you are visiting?

I think if if it only when you are visiting, you and your DCS will still smell of smoke when you visit as the smell of smoke is really one that stays into everything (curtains, sofa...)

RememberToPlaywiththeKids · 30/12/2010 08:02

I would also have to be in a different room to her smoking so would end up spending my evenings in my bedroom which I would loathe having to do.

Chil1234 · 30/12/2010 08:06

She's being a little considerate by not smoking in the same room as the children. There's next to no medical danger in going into a room 10 minutes after a smoker has vacated it. Smelly clothes is a turn-off, admittedly. However, it is her home and she is allowed to behave as she thinks fit. Agree with the idea of visiting for shorter periods and booking into a hotel for overnight stays.

Original poster
sheeplikessleep · 30/12/2010 08:08

gorionine - asking if iabu asking her not to smoke in the main rooms when we visit.

such a difficult one. dh hates it, but he is so anti-confrontation, that i'm not sure how far he'll take it. i think he'll ask her not to smoke in key rooms when we are there, but i know it will offend her.

they never visit us, because they've got 8 cats and 3 dogs.

OP posts:
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/12/2010 08:12

i'd have a go at, 'mil do you think it might be possible to just smoke in one room that the kids don't go into at all whilst we visit? i'm worried about its effect on them. obviously it's your house and you're a smoker but if you could just smoke in one room and i kept the kids out of it that would really help them.'

worth a go but realistically it is little time spent in that environment and it's her home and i'm inclined to agree with dh if it's going to be a big issue. if however the mum would you mind just smoking in the conservatory/kitchen/wherever whilst we're here will go down comfortably then go for it.

Original poster
sheeplikessleep · 30/12/2010 08:13

chil - can i ask when you say 'next to no medical danger', is this right? that would be reassuring if it was, but i thought 3rd hand smoke was as bad? i'm not sure really, so any factual info would be helpful for me.

it is difficult because i agree - it is her home and we are taking a liberty by asking her not to smoke in her home. she doesn't smoke in our home on the 2 occasions she has visited.

the smell doesn't bother me too much, as i can wash everything when i get home. it's the potential risk to ds's that stresses me and the fact it stinks when we are there, from a comfort point of view.

OP posts:
penguin73 · 30/12/2010 08:14

I had this with my FIL and he grudgingly agreed not to smoke in the house when we visited but it had no effect on the lingering smell - now we stay locally rather than at the house and visit the actual house for a few hours at a time only or meet up elsewhere. Unfortunately not smoking in a particular room for a short period of time will have little effect on the overall smell unless they are also prepared to 'deep clean' furnishings etc every time you visit.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/12/2010 08:18

so smokers are the new lepers and even if they agree not to smoke in their own home whilst family visits the family are so offended by the smell of smoke in the house that they will stay in a hotel?

it's a bit much. we put up with all sorts of annoying traits, habits, personalities etc in family, shunning them for being a smoker is....

i don't know. all a bit precious if they're not even smoking whilst you're there.

Original poster
sheeplikessleep · 30/12/2010 08:20

sorry = kids r climvbing all over me, will be back on in a bit ...

OP posts:
OhMylantaHelloSanta · 30/12/2010 08:22

I think RememberToPlaywiththeKids's approach is right - but it should be your DH, not you. If your DH is not prepared to say anything to his own mother (despite his own coughing fits, opening windows etc), he is unlikely to wholeheartedly back you up if you do. At which point, I probably wouldn't visit her and, if asked, I would say rather airily, "Oh, I'll put DH on the line. He's been wanting to chat to you for a while ..." and promptly hand over the phone. Childish maybe, but I am firmly of the view that a DIL should not be made to be the "fall guy" in situations like these.

onimolap · 30/12/2010 08:26

I don't think you can/should tell another grown up how to behave in their own home, no matter what the relationship is between you (tho this can obviously be very tricky between close family members).

That said, if you don!t want to be in a smoky atmosphere for whatever reason, then don't stat there. As Remember suggested, stay at a B&B, see her away from the house (or in the garden if summer), or simply don't go (drastic!).

DH should explain the reason (in neutral, even cheerful tones): it may well become self-solving at this point. She was capable of restricting her smoking before, she may offer to do so again during your visits.

GiddyPickle · 30/12/2010 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrostyAndSlippery · 30/12/2010 09:02

I've heard that while it's good for smokers to go outside, it does NOT eliminate risk to children as the fumes cling to clothes etc.

It's easy for me to say as none of my family smoke but I'd just not go tbh, really can't stand it.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 30/12/2010 09:03

What about if dh had a quiet word with fil?

I approached my mum when I was pg about her smoking and luckily shed already had the thought herself and doesn't smoke in the house when we are here then due to other circumstances now doesn't smoke in the house at all.

The fact is she was prepared to restrict where she did it once why can't she do it again whilst you are there

dipndazzle · 30/12/2010 09:52

I could have written this but about my own mum and nan- call me precious whatever u like but i hate smoke fumes i hate the fact that my children are not given a choice on whether they breathe it in unless i state otherwise - i havnt been to my nans for over 12 months with the children because she smokes all the time - i mean chain smokes!! My mum agrees not to smoke when the children are there but will still smoke till they arrive and if she looks after them they stink when they get home - not nice for them at all.

I think you should ask your mil nicely not to smoke at all while your there in the house :D

pjmama · 30/12/2010 09:57

I think I'd be booking into a hotel or b&b when visiting them TBH, but then again I absolutely despise smoking. She has a right to smoke in her own home, but you also have the right to not expose your family to it. I don't think it's unreasonable to ASK her to confine her smoking more when you're around, but if she refuses then it's up to you to remove yourselves instead.

penguin73 · 30/12/2010 10:02

Santa - it's not about making anyone into a leper or being offended and I would certainly never want to dictate to anyone what they do in their own home. For me it was initially about not being in a unhealthy environment (when FIL smoked in the same room) and even now being made physically ill by prolonged exposure to the smell of smoke. I can hide emotions but I can't hide feeling sick, headachey and faint very well which is the effect that the smell has on me!

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 30/12/2010 10:09

I would not stay in a house where there was smoking because I hate it but I do respect the right of someone to smoke in their own house.

You are visiting them because they cannot visit you because of their pets. I'd say the onus is on them (a little bit) to accomodate your needs re smoking OR you don't visit in the same way that they don't visit you.

It depends how much you will all be hurt by less contact over this?

Chil1234 · 30/12/2010 10:10

"chil - can i ask when you say 'next to no medical danger', is this right?"

Yes, of course it is. Prolongued exposure to second-hand smoke is believed to be damaging but visiting a house where someone smokes just three times a year & for a few hours at a time is not prolongued exposure and might only cause a problem if someone was asthmatic or particularly sensitive. Your DH presumably grew up living with his mother smoking 365 days of the year... is he in poor health? Does he have respiratory problems? We also get exposed to significant levels of fumes when we walk on the pavement next to a busy road but few people walk around wearing masks. I think it's important to understand the actual risk and act accordingly.

spikeycow · 30/12/2010 10:18

What Santa said. It's all a bit hysterical and over the top IMO.

Weemee · 30/12/2010 10:43

There is a great deal of evidence about the potentially harmful impact of 3rd hand smoke (that is the smoke paticles on surfaces clothes etc) and it is believed that it can be particularly harmful to small babies because they cuddle into people and also crawl around and have their hands in their mouths.

In view of this evidence, I refuse to take dd to my parents' house (mum smokes). This has caused a great deal of trouble and my parents didn't talk to me or see me (or dh or dd) for 3 months. They now (grudgingly) will come to us, having attempted blackmail to get me to reverse my decision. At the end of the day, she is our daughter and we will raise her how we see fit. You have to do what you think is right for your family regardless of the problems it may or may not cause. Hard situation and unfortunately no easy solution. Best thing is to please yourself because in my experience regardless of what you do, you won't please anyone else!

southeastastra · 30/12/2010 10:45

if you only go once every four months i wouldn't worry

NorwegianMoon · 30/12/2010 10:46

yabu, its her house. why should she change her behaviour because your children are there? If you dont like it invite her to yours