To ask my MIL not to smoke in her own home when we visit?

[sheeplikessleep]

MIL has always smoked, but DH's nan lived with them (who didn't know her daughter smoked). So, the smoking was restricted to one room and outside.

DHs nan passed away a few months back and my MIL now smokes in every room in the house. To be fair, she doesn't smoke when the kids are in the room (we have a 9 month old and 3 year old), but she is quite happy to smoke in there knowing the kids will be eating in that room in 10 minutes, for example. She smokes in the living room, when we are sat there, when the kids have gone to bed.

Having just spent 3 days there, I am not sure how to handle this. DH was going around opening windows and also had a bit of a coughing fit at one point (cue my MIL saying 'ex-smokers are the worst', DH just walked out of the room).

We only see them every 4 months or so, as they live quite a way away. We also don't have the best relationship with them. But I hate the fact that even DS2s gro-bag smells of smoke . Am I over-reacting by saying anything? DH says it isn't going to cause any 'damage' as we only visit for such a short time and so infrequently. But, I hate it and am on edge there because of it.

How do I handle this in a way that doesn't aggrieve my easily offended MIL? AIBU for asking her not to smoke in say the living room and kitchen when we visit?

We had a similar issue with my MIL and FIL who both smoke. We discussed the smoking situation with them saying we didn't want to expose our Dh to cigaratte smoke/smell etc. We made it clear that we were in no way trying to tell them what they could do in their own home so although we had decided not to bring our dh to their home, they were more than welcome to visit our home whenever they wished. Relations have been strained since (we had the discussion a year ago...) and has got to the stage where MIL and FIL will visit other grandchildren closeby on a regular basis but will not visit our dh (visits are few and far between and strained..). I am so disappointed with them but I still stand by our decision.

I'm lucky with my extended family and have never stayed with someone when with the kids who does smoke. To be honest when the kids were small I probably would have refused to stay in a smoky b&b and would have told them passive smoking isn't good for kids and gives me a cough (which it does) and booked a local b&b.
I don't get the obsession some people have for staying in a relatives's house rather than just staying near them and visiting though.
You can't insist someone stops smoking in their own house, but you can keep your kids from inhaling the smoke.

Sorry should have read refused to stay in a smoky house.

i really dislike smoky rooms, really i do. But if the smoker is not even smoking in the same room as the child i think people need to stop being so precious, not just you op, seems to be fairly common. You're putting your child through more pollution and carcinogenic chemicals walking them down a busy road in the buggy. know someone will say avoidable risks and unavoidable risks shouldn't be compared but i think it's valid when the risk from 3rd hand smoke 3 times a year is the risk in question my dad is the biggest anti smoker i know but he didn't create a fuss about up visiting his mil when we were little because if respected my mum. and our relationship with our grammy more. Hell he even allowed her to smoke in our spare soon when she visited! Seriously, get some respective.

bloody hell sorry for garbled message. On phone and it won't let me preview...

I've stopped going round to friends house because although he doesn't smoke when I'm there, I still smell like a bloody ashtray when I leave. Just stop going over, make her come to you. There is a thing called third hand smoke and it comes from the molecules that you smell... meaning, although she may have smoked 10 minutes previously, everything is covered in and therefore it is still harmful. And although she doesn't smoke when the children are in the same room, smoke knows no room boundaries.

I am severely asthmatic and we stayed in a B&B the last time we were in the inlaws area, as MIL smokes loads. Even though she actually doesn't actually smoke in the room with me (stands by the door) when I am there, the smoke is in EVERYTHING. I need air!

I have been called 'madame', 'precious' etc. over the years... they never took it seriously till I had a near fatal asthma attack.

Your health and especially that of your DC, comes first. Your MILs feelings second.

So book into a B&B and when you visit, try and make it a garden visit/sit near a wide open window and keep the visit short.. or better still... meet somewhere neutral.

We found the latter difficult... she always wants us to visit at her house as she doesn't like smoking in public... hmmm...

Btwn a rock and a hard place.

I have almost the opposite problem, my DM, BIL and DNiece all smoke, and when we visit with the DTs they always go into one room to smoke - and I feel really guilty about them not feeling free to smoke in their own houses!

I've said they're fine to smoke in the living room when we're there, but they won't! I even offered to move the DTs to another room so all the smokers didn't need to move - but no!

I'm pretty laid back about it, as we only visit every couple of months, and we don't stay overnight (no-one has room to put us all up, so we go to a hotel for the night), and wish my family wouldn't stress so much about it.