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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my MIL not to smoke in her own home when we visit?

108 replies

sheeplikessleep · 30/12/2010 07:54

MIL has always smoked, but DH's nan lived with them (who didn't know her daughter smoked). So, the smoking was restricted to one room and outside.

DHs nan passed away a few months back and my MIL now smokes in every room in the house. To be fair, she doesn't smoke when the kids are in the room (we have a 9 month old and 3 year old), but she is quite happy to smoke in there knowing the kids will be eating in that room in 10 minutes, for example. She smokes in the living room, when we are sat there, when the kids have gone to bed.

Having just spent 3 days there, I am not sure how to handle this. DH was going around opening windows and also had a bit of a coughing fit at one point (cue my MIL saying 'ex-smokers are the worst', DH just walked out of the room).

We only see them every 4 months or so, as they live quite a way away. We also don't have the best relationship with them. But I hate the fact that even DS2s gro-bag smells of smoke Sad. Am I over-reacting by saying anything? DH says it isn't going to cause any 'damage' as we only visit for such a short time and so infrequently. But, I hate it and am on edge there because of it.

How do I handle this in a way that doesn't aggrieve my easily offended MIL? AIBU for asking her not to smoke in say the living room and kitchen when we visit?

OP posts:
LookToWindward · 30/12/2010 16:29

"Regardless of risk levels the OP is entitled to feel that any POTENTIAL risk.... "

Would that include the OP not wanting to leave the house for the POTENTIAL risk of contracting anthtrax? :)

The OP is entitled to do as she wants - as I've said smoking is an unpleasant habit and she's well within her rights to be concerned about the smell alone.

However, if the OP is concerned about the "health risks" it is important that she is informed about those health risks otherwise she could alienate her inlaws for nothing...

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/12/2010 17:07

best not cross the street. probably statistically more risky than third hand smoke.

Weemee · 30/12/2010 18:17

I would be interested to know what levels of these chemicals are chemicals are acceptable to expose anyone to?

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/12/2010 19:47

or these

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/12/2010 19:49

or these

point is no one here is fretting over those every day pollutants but desperately concerned that a couple of days near upholstery that has been impregnated with tobacco smoke is going to damage their children's health.

lovelyopaque · 30/12/2010 21:30

The difference is Santa, that you cannot really live a normal life without walking down the street so it is a risk worth taking. MIL could easily smoke outside, or indeed do herself a favour and try to give up. smoking inside the house is not a necessity.

UnderTheRadar2212 · 30/12/2010 21:46

MIL is entitled to do as she pleases in her own home, she pays for it, you have no right to tell her what to do under her own roof I'm afraid.

If she knows you aren't happy taking your kids into a house full of smoke, she would be doing the right thing by going outside for a fag when you're there, IF she wants & values your company.

That's my take on it.

I'm a smoker, would go outside for a cig if friends with babies were over at mine without having to be asked, even though it is my house, out of respect for their little lungs.

scottishmummy · 30/12/2010 21:57

i see the concerns but her house up to her,the residual smoke snd toxins will permeate air and be inhaled by your dc.so not good for them

any compromise like,mil doesn't smoke in room they sleep in

Original poster
sheeplikessleep · 30/12/2010 22:10

blimey, thank you all for taking the time to post. apologies for not coming on sooner, but i've been out all day today.

some really good points on here, thank you. i'm definitely going to see if dh will ask mil not to smoke in the living room when we visit. i wouldn't not visit at all, and dh wouldn't want that either. i guess it would be nice to see a little more of a compromise from her (other than just not physically smoking whilst they are in the room, I guess she thinks this is sufficient).

i have spent today washing absolutely everything. the links about why babies are more at risk (i.e. sucking, being nearer carpets etc) is useful to know, as i can ensure i wash his hands more when we are there, maybe take a walker, so he isn't crawling as much etc, wash his toys a bit / limit their number. i try to avoid handing him over to her when she has just smoked (she smokes every half an hour or so i'd say), but i'm sure she thinks i'm just avoiding handing him over to her for other reasons. doesn't really help relations.

what annoys me is that she was keen to hide her habit from her own mum (who lived with them, before she passed), but will not offer the same for our ds's.

thanks again all for posting. i've skimmed through, but will re-read them all again. thank you.

OP posts:
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/12/2010 22:15

that's not the point that i was making. the point is that everything is a risk and you need to look at things in the context of a scale of risk otherwise you'd worry yourself to death over every little thing.

and yes you could avoid using chemicals in the home for example but choose not to even though the risk is quite possibly greater.

the thing is that you find smoking distasteful therefore care more about it due to that rather than the reality of the proposed chance of harm.

anyway.

looks over to me Smile

paranoidmum · 30/12/2010 22:36

Not nice. My mum does the same - we have just stayed there for 4 days over Christmas.

She reads the papers, knows the health risks etc. But it is an addiction - in her house - so I feel it's not my place to say anything.

I just put up with it - and make sure we all have bath / hairwash when back home, and all clothes get washed (even if unwarn) to get rid or horrible smell.

Rules are different in MY house - she's only allowed to smoke in the garden. Even manages to do some weeding while she's out in the garden!

Next time - invite her to stay at yours under your rules ??

NotAnotherNewNappy · 30/12/2010 22:43

Ex smokers are the worst, I'm one and I would never stay in a smoker's house with my DC.

YABU to ask her not to smoke in her own home but YANBU not to stay there ever again, especially with a 9mo and a 3yo. I'd go for the B&B nearby and meet up during the day option.

EmmaBemma · 31/12/2010 07:10

We took my daughters - 3 1/2 and 5 months - to stay at my mum's house this Christmas, and she smokes. Luckily though she did smoke outside by the back door when the children were awake, without having to be asked. And it was -8. She smoked inside at night-time when they were upstairs in bed which seemed fair enough to me.

I used to smoke but gave up a few years ago, and was surprised by the awfulness of the smell, including on all our clothes when we'd come back home, even though she hardly smoked around even us adults at all - I'd heard non-smokers talk about the smell clinging to things but thought they were being prissy.

carrotcake29 · 31/12/2010 07:24

I would hate it if my babies gro bag came out smelling of smoke. I feel she should be more considerate of the children when they are there and only smoke outside. If it were me I would have DH say next time that you would have to stay in a B and B because the children smelt smoky afterwards. It may be that she will turn round herself and say she will give the house a good freshen up and smoke outside for your visit.

onmyfeet · 31/12/2010 07:30

We used to have this when visiting my cousins house. We put up with it, and the smell washed out of our things when we were back home. They did have a "smoking room", but it wasn't written in stone.

When they visited us, they went outside to smoke.

You could buy her a HEPA air cleaner to help filter the air.

altinkum · 31/12/2010 07:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deaddei · 31/12/2010 10:06

I could not stay in someone's house if they smoked.
My mother was a smoker and it makes me feel ill to smell a cigarette.

harpsichordcarrier · 31/12/2010 10:14

YABVVU
It is very seldom and you have to put up with it and wash your clothes when you get back.
The exposure to smoke that you talk about is minimal and not dangerous in any way.
Your distaste is NOT a good reason for dictating what someone else does in their own house, imo.
It would be rude and self-obsessed and extremely selfish to try and do this.
If you can't stay there, then you must make your own alternate arrangements eg. stay in a travel lodge, stay with friends or other family, travel there and back in a day etc.
Your discomfort is NOT a good reason to upset and offend, or to make a family relationship that is already not good even worse.
IMO family relationships are VERY VERY important and not worth upsetting over trivial things.
fwiw I was for a long time the only non smoker in a family of smokers Grin and my parents both smoked heavily.

Caboodle · 31/12/2010 10:28

Harpsichord - if family relationships are so important surely MIL would completely understand OP's point of view and agree to have a couple of smoke free rooms in the house, especially as she did this for her own Mum?

GiddyPickle · 31/12/2010 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Panzee · 31/12/2010 10:53

It's the cats that would keep me away.

harpsichordcarrier · 31/12/2010 11:01

Well, it's my point of view.
If the MIL was to ask me, I would offer my opinion.
The OP asked me, and that's my opinion Smile
In families, there has to be some give and take. The MIL is is making allowances already - she is giving up smking where she likes in her own house. She is also giving up her home for visitors. So visitors need to 'give' too.
Also, the MIL is 'easily offended' and the relationship is not good already, so why on earth offend her and make the relationship worse, or risk it?
It makes no sense. Preserve the family relationship and put up with it, imo.
I am a lifelong non smoker by the way and I find the smell of smoke repulsive. When returning from my family home I use to wash EVERYTHING. I used to keep the suitcase in the car. These are SMALL things.

Original poster
sheeplikessleep · 31/12/2010 20:02

Thanks all for posting - tis appreciated. I think we'll wait until our next visit and then ask dh to casually ask whether she'd mind not smoking in the living room and kitchen whilst we are there and see how she responds.

Thanks for posting.

OP posts:
A1980 · 31/12/2010 23:19

YABVU it's her house. If you don't like it don't go.

I can only imagine what your, or anyone elses reaction would be if you were asked not to do something in your own house by your MIL.

Fernie3 · 01/01/2011 11:25

I don't think its unreasonable to ask her not to smoke in the same room as the children although it's her choice in the end and even if she doesn't smoke in those rooms the smell will still be there.

My MIL smokes and i hate the smell, she also has 2 very hairy dogs! I do however, love my MIL so I just put up with it, she smokes in the kitchen and front room which is where we spend most of the time at her house, but since she has raised 5 children there i just don't feel right asking her to go outside. I really think the risk of her holding a baby after smoking is so tiny especially for only a few times a year.

When mine were very little i used to make excuses to leave the room while she smoked, but also for the small babies ( say under a year) i used to pack their clothes in the case inside freezer bags Blush. That way they get fresh pyjamams upstairs eveynight and fresh non smoky clothes for the day, the smell by the end f the day but it doesn't get the smell through everything in the case.