To ask my MIL not to smoke in her own home when we visit?

[sheeplikessleep]

MIL has always smoked, but DH's nan lived with them (who didn't know her daughter smoked). So, the smoking was restricted to one room and outside.

DHs nan passed away a few months back and my MIL now smokes in every room in the house. To be fair, she doesn't smoke when the kids are in the room (we have a 9 month old and 3 year old), but she is quite happy to smoke in there knowing the kids will be eating in that room in 10 minutes, for example. She smokes in the living room, when we are sat there, when the kids have gone to bed.

Having just spent 3 days there, I am not sure how to handle this. DH was going around opening windows and also had a bit of a coughing fit at one point (cue my MIL saying 'ex-smokers are the worst', DH just walked out of the room).

We only see them every 4 months or so, as they live quite a way away. We also don't have the best relationship with them. But I hate the fact that even DS2s gro-bag smells of smoke . Am I over-reacting by saying anything? DH says it isn't going to cause any 'damage' as we only visit for such a short time and so infrequently. But, I hate it and am on edge there because of it.

How do I handle this in a way that doesn't aggrieve my easily offended MIL? AIBU for asking her not to smoke in say the living room and kitchen when we visit?

I grew up with grandparents who chain smoked, and a dad who smoked. I have never had any respiratory problems.. and as a child never even noticed the smell of smoke.. I just enjoyed spending time with my grandparents..

There is more (proven) danger from inhaling the chemicals from air freshener sprays, scented candles and all the other paraphanalia that people use to create a clean smelling home.

Some smokers point out the tenuous link between passive smoking and harm. They point to the fact that the anti-smoking lobby exaggerated their findings in order to turn the public against smoking. Smokers who are big on their rights would know about this stuff.

BUT. As a smoker. I don't think that matters here. To a non-smoker, being in a smoker's space, even quite long after they have smoked, is very obvious (which it would not be to the smoker) and fairly awful discomfort/distasteful experience. We do know beyond any doubt that smoking causes lung cancer (think everyone agrees on that). So, no matter what the link between passive smoking and lung cancer/whatever, who on earth wants to risk their dc going anywhere near the smell? My nan used to smoke in the same room as us tinies. I (as a child) associated that smell with the nan I loved. Smell is very important to memory, impressions.

All smokers have had to face the fact that whatever they feel about it, and whatever questions the more militant of them feel they like to raise about the risks, there has been a massive societal change. For all smokers of all ages. Smoking in the space of dcs, unless outside, and even then some parents quite understandably don't even want their dcs to see people smoke, is a no no. I know a lot of hardened smokers (the sort that started in the war) and it is understood that things have changed very dramatically in the last 5/10 years. You have to tell her that it is not on. Very very few people would defend smoking in a child's space. It is just not a good image, and rightly.

I was campaigning in the election and up and down lots and lots of terraced houses, there stood one or two adults smoking on the front doorstep. If you looked up and down the street you saw them. It seemed quite sociable between them and useful to a canvasser. It is a societal norm now that you don't smoke at home if you entertain dcs, or even non-smokers, actually.

I don't think it is unreasonable to help her towards an understanding of this shift. Someone will have to.

Why do people smoke in their houses? It's disguting and unsociable.. Cna't get my head around it.

I don't think you can ask her not to, and I don't think it would makea difference it will always stink. There is another thread about horrible dog smell, unfortunately most of these odours you really need to make an effort with

I just wouldnt stay there again, if she asks why be honest. Maybe she'll make an effort from then on. Surely her friends must have a problem with it all.

She has a right to smoke in her own home, you have a right to say you won't be staying there again as you hate smoking.

And that is before any asthma concerns.

people can surely do what they like in their own homes evil dead!it's not illegal

oh my goodness! depriving your kids of ever going to your parents house because they smoke and your children will touch carpets and furniture in which some residue of tobacco smoke will be in?

it's.... wordless!

are they allowed on the ground outside? may they touch animals?

I'm a non-smoker and loath the smell of it. That said, I think its her house and her choice. A brief visit every few months isnt going to affect the children if we're being realistic. If it really really bothers you then I guess you might have to accept that saying something or not visiting will affect an already not great relationship with them. If you are willing to take that risk (only you can decide that) then yep say something.

It is not illegal and I would defend smokers' right to smoke in their own homes. But they should also be told that it is largely considered unacceptable. And the op may not like to subject her dc to what they can smell and the smoker will not be able to. Stand your ground, op.

as if by know they don't know it's largely unacceptable

Both DH and I are smokers. His DM, DDs and DSIL are non smokers. The entire family came to us for Christmas.

DH and I did what we always do when we have non smokers visit - we went into the garage to smoke. Neither of us would even dream of actively inflicting our horrid habit on someone else.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask your MIL to restrict her smoking to one room which you, your DH and DCs can simply avoid for the duration of your visit.

Very very selfish imo. My Mum smokes in her house but you would never know...she stands by an open window and if she knows we are coming she stops. You should ask...you or DH>

YANBU 2x Ds's are not allowed in my parent's house as they smoke. Parents come to us or we go and play in her garden etc. DS's have a lovely relationship with my parents. It's not just the actual smoke, toxins from the cigarettes (quite a long and frightening list) build up in the furniture etc and can cause harm even if the smoker doesn't smoke when you visit. You can't stop MIL from smoking but you can stop visiting. Santaisan...then surely if MIL wants a relationship with DCs it's up to her.

southeastastra Did I say she couldn't

I said its digusting and unsociable and if she wants people to visit her she should sort it out. I have indoor cats, I keep their litter clean and tidy up after them I woudn't expect my friends who don't get cat smells to come round if they place stunk of cat piss and shit.

ew indoor cat smell is infintely worse imo

I think it is selfish of your MIL because most people now do find it very unpleasant, and as a good host, you do not want to make things unpleasant for guests. Especially as the MIL will not leave her cats to go and visit the OP. The MIL is therefore effectively taking away their choices on all levels.

Really SE?

Anyway the OP's MIL Has 8 cats.. SO you should be quite horrified.

no wonder she smokes - so many cat smells to hide

I have a similar situation. I'm not that bothered by the smell of smoke (we only visit infrequently too, but ds is only 4 months and I'm not sure what, if any, harm it could do him.

I don't think your children are in any danger from an occasional visit to a house where someone has smoked! It sounds like she's not even smoking in front of them but that they sometimes have to go into a room where she's smoked some time previously?

I do find the smell of smoke very unpleasant, and I know what you mean about everthing stinking of it afterwards (hair, clothes, everything) so I would probably hate going there. Don't think you can ask someone not to smoke in their own house though. And it'll still smell almost as bad if she's been smoking habitually in there before you arrive, even if she stops while you're actually there.

YANBU to ask, but she may not agree to do it and I suppose she can do what she wants in her own home.

I wouldn't be able to stay there. My Mum smokes quite heavily and I stayed with her last year. She made sure the windows were open plenty to air her flat before I got there and didn't smoke indoors whilst I was there (I was pregnant) but the smell/fumes whatever it was made me feel physically sick. There's no way I could do it again, neither would I subject my DC to it.

I'm sure if you just said you were a bit worried about the DCs your MIL would smoke at the door while they're there. Just say it calmly and openly - can't see why she'd be offended, it's so well known now that smoking round kids can give them earaches, mucous probs. Wouldn't worry about any long-term effects - it's too short a time for that.
RE smell - a pain but then I remember regularly visiting friend's house when I was little that always smelt of fried food which I could smell on my hair and coat when I came home. Yuk, but I loved my friend and her family!

YANBU, my MIL and FIL smoke and when we visit they smoke outside - it's not a major thing to ask of them. DH made it clear if they weren't prepared to do this we wouldn't visit, our DC'S health has to come before their smoking. My mum smokes and her house reeks of it, having just had a new baby we won't visit as she won't smoke outside, when she wants to see us she comes here - and has to smoke outside.