to wonder why some of my mummy friends are so secretive?

[poopsicle]

On girlie night I overheard my friend telling another mate about how great the playgroup xmas party was that she and her DS went to.

She's a first time mum and I often invite her to baby activities, music classes, etc. Wasn't aware she went to any groups, she has never mentioned. I'm not an overbearing mum, if anything try and be as social as possible..

I've known other mummies do this too, be secretive about classes or other mummy get togethers they do. I'm quite open so can't understand this...is a competitive thing?

AIBU?

YANBU but there are mums out there like that unfortunately. I couldn't believe people could be like that - it gets worse! (at times)

You're talking like they're excluding you on purpose.

I'm sure that's not the case, why would they?

Not really hon, there could be lots of reasons why she didn't tell you about it. Does she have other friends there and thought you wouldn't know anyone? Perhaps she didn't think it was your thing. Sometimes mums tend to stick to groups where their dc's are all the same age, and have different groups of friends for different dc's.

Why don't you ask her if she knows any good baby groups? If she says 'oh yes, you must come to this lovely group' then fair enough. If she says no, probably best to stop wasting so much time on her in the future and find your child some genuine friends.

It has given me a bit of a complex tbh...we both have babies the same age and live in the same area. I've often invited her to baby stuff/ get togethers with other new mums as I thought she was quite shy and finding being a new mum hard. Then hear she is fine socially!

Another work friend is the same, ask her how she is getting on, she's always bit vague and then other work colleagues say she is doing baby classes, etc.

I promise you all I'm not a pushy mummy, just wandering why the need for secrecy,why not say what you're upto. I don't want to be joined at the hip and do everything together, wouldn't be offended....

Sorry for ranting, just getting a complex about it and wandering if others have had this with friends?

can anyone offer me words of reassurance or am I being a silly paranoid mom?

I think you're reading too much into it, unless you have evidence that says otherwise?

Have they said anything to you that suggests they don't like you, or don't want you to go to 'their' groups?

If they haven't I wouldn't worry about them not mentioning the groups, they just haven't come up in conversation.

I know you said you've said about the other ones you go to, but the conversation might have just naturally gone onto other things before they brought up what they did.

If you feel a bit 'uh' about it you shouldn't feel bad! It's not nice and why didn't she tell you? Maybe say 'I heard you mention the tots group blah blah, is it any good, maybe I could come along in the new year' and see how she reacts then you'll have a better idea of how you feel

I think you may be a little paranoid. I go to a baby group with a different mum (and her friends) but haven't invited my other original mum friends since the group is over-subscribed and have closed their membership to any new joiners. Have every intention of inviting my original mum friends once membership opens up again. I'm not trying to hide a thing.

I've done both of those things - gone to playgroups without inviting anyone because either I was disorganised and went there last minute or didn't really fancy doing EVERYTHING as a big group of mummies from the same NCT class. (Not that I didn't like those mummies, I just like variety too and it's easier to meet new people if you go on your own).

Also I have been vague when asked by a colleague about how my baby is. Because I'm at work. I'm not thinking about her. Or I'm trying not to feel guilty about leaving her and might burst into tears if I describe how she can now play peek a boo. Or there is too much to tell and I'm not sure which highlights are interesting when someone is probably asking out of politeness.

Also, if you're saying about all the groups you already go to, they might not feel you're on the lookout for any others.

Oh lord - fast forward a few years until you get to the school gate scenario.
I would practise letting it go like water off a duck's back otherwise you will always feel like other people are having more fun than you.

Why do you care?

I don't invite everyone I know to every playgroup I've ever been to.

They know where the children's centre is, there are big posters advertising the rest all over the place, if they want to go they can.

Besides maybe she likes meeting lots of people or is looking for the 'right' group for her and doesn't want to hang out with the same 10 people all the time. You sound a bit clingy to be so upset that she went to another group without you!

Thanks for your thoughts on this, I just don't feel the need to hide things from friends.

Agentzigzag - no evidence really that don't like me, just being paranoid I suppose. Just annoys when they ask me about what I've been upto I tell them... or if I invite them to come along to classes and they hesitate and say they can't come with no reason..why not just say sorry I can't as seeing other mummies/ class? quite simple really, I won't be offended if you don't lie!

Beertricks, true friendships come out in the end I suppose!

My hormones are playing up hence posting tonight, pmt go away!!

I sometimes feel like this too, that there is some other social circle that I'm not invited to for whatever reason...

To be honest I've always felt a bit like this since I was at school (a bit on the otuside) so I try not to read too much into it. It's understandable that it might make you feel a bit down as I sometimes feel a bit mystified by why I'm not in the 'in' crowd... ho hum...

I think you are stressing unnecessarily. Maybe you need to step back a little bit and say, meh, doesn't matter, have a glass of wine and forget about it.

I think sometimes it is easy to assume people mean something by their actions, when they usually just aren't thinking of you. Most people are pretty wrapped up in their own business.

As I said hormones but think it's a little insecurity on my part. Always feel I'm not doing enough to keep my DS entertained...also just looking for a regular group of mummy friends, seems to have passed me by...am always instigating get togethers or texting first..

I'm dreading school gates then!

I think it's best to just do your thing, go to the groups you want to, and don't worry about others. Sometimes I prefer to just do things by myself; it gets a bit of a nuisance and a tie if you go with others every week.

Thanks all for your words of reassurance, been on the bottle sorry glass of wine, hence silly rants here, sorry for my ramblings! Think I do think and worry far too much about stuff as a new mum....

I know it's so easy to analyse things too much, I am the same too.