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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why some of my mummy friends are so secretive?

51 replies

poopsicle · 29/12/2010 21:54

On girlie night I overheard my friend telling another mate about how great the playgroup xmas party was that she and her DS went to.

She's a first time mum and I often invite her to baby activities, music classes, etc. Wasn't aware she went to any groups, she has never mentioned. I'm not an overbearing mum, if anything try and be as social as possible..

I've known other mummies do this too, be secretive about classes or other mummy get togethers they do. I'm quite open so can't understand this...is a competitive thing?

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

poopsicle · 29/12/2010 23:08

Glad it's not just me then pretty, thanks again!

OP posts:

AgentZigzagGotAGoodGoosing · 29/12/2010 23:09

I'm the same too.

A smidging of paranoia is fine, but you have to keep it in perspective, which I think you sound like you're doing.

You would have a problem if you weren't aware of being paranoid or not trying to rationalise it.

Original poster

poopsicle · 29/12/2010 23:14

Thanks agent and beertricks, will try not get upset about it anymore, I love MN for helping you rationalise dilemnas!

Night all

OP posts:

Morloth · 30/12/2010 00:52

I have different groups of friends, there is sometimes overlap but not that often, to be honest I don't want to see the same people all the time so I don't invite people to different 'group' activities that often.

Nothing to do with them and I am not secrective about it, but I also wouldn't necessarily mention activities to friends.

SonicMiddleAge · 30/12/2010 01:04

It would never have occured to me that everytime I found an activity to take my daughter that I should tell all the other mums I knew! All turing up in a galle to various "keep the mums entertained baby groups" sounds just like high school plus babies! Apart from anything else I was aware that I was finishing materinity leave after a while and wanted to focus on my time with my baby, not making pretty banal conversation with a bunch of people where our main link was giving birth at roughly the same time...

JeezyPeeps · 30/12/2010 07:58

I'm with Morloth.

I'd be the same. If most things I went to, one specific friend went to, I would not tell that person about other things I went to because I like not being with the same people all of the time.

It would not be a slight on the friend at all, but more asserting independance. I can feel overcrowded by someone if they want to share in everything I do, and I end up resenting them. I know this happens, so I try and keep aspects of my life separate and so retain friendships.

Everyone is different and needs different things from a friendship. If she hasn't told you about it she might not want you there and it might be best for your friendship not to try and find out about it.

But it is equally or even more likely that other theories are valid.

TheFeministParent · 30/12/2010 08:08

Perhaps, because you invite her to everything, she thought that you are very well set up?

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 30/12/2010 08:20

Maybe she just wants to be able to meet new people, which is often easier if you are not with someone you know already.

You said you are often the first the text/call about going to things, maybe she thought mentioning it would be seen as an invite and didn't want to offend you.

bruceswilly · 30/12/2010 08:24

Don't really understand your point OP.

Pre-kids I had friends with different interests who spent time with other people and didn't think it was weird or secretive.

Why should 'mummy' friends have to do everything together, or share everything together?

I do quite a lot with my NCT friends but have never invited them to the toddler group I go to. Don't see why that's weird or secretive, I've always mixed with lots of different people.

Some of your posts make it sound like you were giving charity to the woman in the OP, btw. Maybe she sensed that and didn't like it?

Oblomov · 30/12/2010 08:26

Same as Morloth.
Find that groups don't overlap that much. People like to keep their PN group mums, in a seperate category to their sing-along-tuesday-mum-friends.
And now int eh playground. Blewieve me, as others have asaid, it gets worse. prpeare yourself.
YOu have to learen to let go. And i know becasue I have wondered if I was being excluded. And infact I was. But not me specifically. It just dawned on me that this is what people tend to do.
If you are always the one texting and organisisng, then thats not good. I have never done thta. smacks of desperation to me. organising things needs to be ballanced.
I sympathise with one of my closest friends when she tells me that she is the one that ALWAYS organises her PNG. To me it just says that they aren't as interested as her.
That is hard t take. I have had to accept that myself int he past. You need to find other friends. More intimate caring friends that you crave. I crave this too, but you have to recognise that you are looking for it in the wrong place. I helped myself when I realised this.
HTH

MrsGuyOfChristmasBorn · 30/12/2010 08:42

Not necessariily 'secretive' - I hate to be in a herd, and prefer to do different things wth differnt people and not remotely offended by not being invited to things! Would hate to feel the obligation to travel in a pack all the time. Different age group to yours, but I recently sugested an impromptu trip toboganning to a friend with similar age DC who I know slightly but have never socailaised much with - was horrfied when I go there that she had texted a cast of thousands with lots of littler siblings who weren't allowed to do this, weren't allowed to do that etc etc, not the vibe I had intended! Needless to say will not be inviting them anywhere soon!

QuintMissesChristmasesPast · 30/12/2010 08:46

oh, the baby group circuit..... Dreadful. Much better at the school gates to be honest!

When my ds1 was little, I went to many baby groups. The nhs post natal group, various mums and babies in church halls, etc, but the only group I really felt comfortable in was the nct ante natal group, where we were only 6 women and 6 men, and 9 years later, we are still in touch. As for the others? Ships passing by in the night.

You say she is a first time mum, and you viewed her a little struggling, I gather you are not a first time mum? Do you think she reckons you know it all? And dont need any more groups? Maybe the group she mentioned is a firmly established group from her ante natal classes? Maybe she felt you would not "fit"? I never invited anybody else along to my "nct meets" because they were my special friends as we had shared all the pregnancy and birth stuff. Especially if you have done it all before and she is new to all this, she might have a need to do things independently from you.

So you should not fret. Ask her about her group, but dont ask for an invite....

Oblomov · 30/12/2010 09:09

Laughing at mrsguy. thats a pisser isn't it ?
Some on the mums at school are very cliquey. One mum asked the other to go on holiday and it ended up as 12 families camping. Me and my friend laughed.
If I want to go for lunch I say, shall we go to lunch. I.e you and me only. If its for all, I say lets all go out, you ring ... and i'll ring ....
Some people miss the subtlety I guess.

Original poster

poopsicle · 30/12/2010 10:28

Looking back at my posts I do sound a bit desperate/clingy, didn't mean to and I'm not like that at all, definitely don't want to become like one of those mums in mrsguy and oblomov experiences, sheesh!

I'll continue doing my own thing and doing things with other mums when necessary, thanks again MNers for giving me a rational reality check/slap

OP posts:

swanandduck · 30/12/2010 10:58

Personally, I don't like mixing groups of friends because then I can't relax but feel more like a host.

For instance I was out with two friends the other day. One of them is coming up to dinner tonight with another friend we both used to work with. Neither of us mentioned it the other day in front of friend no 1, not because we don't like her but because she's not part of the second 'group'. It wasn't done in a secretive, 'let's not tell Julie' way, it just wasn't mentioned.

Bathsheba · 30/12/2010 11:27

Unless these are underground secret flash-mob baby groups then its not like they are keeping the details from you - if you want to do more things with your baby, be on the look out for more things to do....Our local council has a list of baby and toddler groups that you can get either from their website or on a phone line.

"Franchise" type baby entertainment, like Signing groups, or Jo-Jingles or Tumbletots tend to advertise a lot to get new members, keep your eyes open for those...

I have a friend that I first met at baby group and she then became a very good friend...but everywhere I went she tended to be...the voluntary work I did, the groups I went to (including at my church when she was a very ardent atheist)....everywhere I went, she was...she is a lovely girl, I like her a lot but I'd have liked 1 thing where she wasn't there. If she was there she'd sit and talk to me and tend to monopolise me, whereas I wanted a chance to speak to other people...

TheMonster · 30/12/2010 11:40

Poopsicle, I know exactly how you feel. I had a couple of friends who seemed to be doing the same to me. I felt like I was always arranging things.
I got upset once when I suggested going somewhere only to be told 'oh, we went there yesterday'. I took the hint: the obviously preferred each other's company to mine and now I hardly ever see them.

swanandduck · 30/12/2010 11:48

To be honest, I don't think this has anything to do with 'mummies'. Wherever you go - school, work, neighbourhood groups, evening classes - different people group together or find they have more in common with each other than with you. As long as it's done politely and not in a childish, excluding way, I think it's okay.

Also, while children who are 'best friends' want to do everything together, that doesn't really work when you're adults. You need different groups of friends, not a bunch who do absolutely everything together.

HappyHECmanay · 30/12/2010 13:49

I think it depends.

If they just don't mention it because it doesn't come up in conversation, then you are worrying without cause.

If, otoh, people are lying to you about things, actively trying to hide from you that they are part of groups and trying to avoid letting you know that these groups exist and not letting you know where they are - then it would be reasonable to assume that they don't want you there.

It's impossible for anyone not there to tell which is happening.

herbgarden · 30/12/2010 14:01

I think I know what you mean OP. I have always been of the 'anyone welcome' variety and don't understand the exclusivity thing but that's me. I met a few people who weren't like this and didn't really get it other than it felt like being back in the playground again. Since ds has started school I've met a few others like me and it feels so much nicer to have that feeling that if I'm not specifically Invited it's not conscious and as time goes on it's nice to be able to say where you've been and with who without feeling that we're all over analysing it. I work part time so don't have as much time on my hands anyway but I also think if you find things to do on your own you sort of make your own friends IYSWIM....and the rest follows naturally. in time you will meet those people who you naturally click with and it's not difficult..just don't force it

fizzpops · 30/12/2010 14:15

I have been in a situation where (coincidentally) a couple of groups of people I know from different activities have come together at a third and I spent all my time trying to 'do the rounds' so no-one would feel left out or as if I wasn't speaking to them at all.

As there were in total about seven people and their children and talking time is in short supply at these classes anyway it was actually quite stressful and would make me think twice about deliberately telling more people about classes I already go to and enjoy.

The reason is actually that I like all the people and would like enough time to speak to them properly and not feel rushed.

classydiva · 30/12/2010 14:23

Secretative because she hasn;t told you how many times a day she shits?

You might know here you cleary are not her friend.

People dont; have to tell you everything.

onceamai · 30/12/2010 15:12

They aren't friends, they're other women who have babies. This is early days and you will make some real friends who happen also to have children in time. It will happen when you least expect it. My DS was nearly three when I met my best ever of all time friend. We had matching bumps but apart from one dc each of the same age and one expected on the same day - we had lots more in common. Similar interests, similar work exp, from same county (husbands from same county too), divorced parents, etc., etc., kindred spirits in spite of the babies.

MrsGuyOfChristmasBorn · 30/12/2010 17:16

Bathsha @ the 'underground secret flash-mob baby groups'
(& Oblomov - like your name reading a book called that @ the mo...]

Original poster

poopsicle · 30/12/2010 20:32

Thanks for your replies, seen said mum (didn't mention playgroup stuff as it is none of my business) and spoke to others and not so paranoid anymore. As some of you point out don't have to do everything together, just have fun and enjoy our time with our babies. And as some of you rightfully said we have different friends for different things so why any different with babies? Reality check received!

I'm totally chilled out about it now although I might try and organise an underground flashmob baby group...

OP posts:

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