mum not going to my brothers wedding

[scruffybird]

Is my mum being unresonable to not go to my brothers wedding?
Ok background info, my brother has a 9 year old son from a previous relationship who since he was very young has spent most weekends at my parents house with my brother seeing him for a few hours over the weekend.
My brothers current partner wants nothing to do with my nephew and tries to make it as difficult as possible for my brother to see his son. They have two boys together both under 2 and are hoping to get married next year. My mum asked if his older son would be invited and my brother went quiet, to which my mum replied "If he isn't invited then I will not be there".
Also I am then torn because do not want my brother to have no close family there but also don't think its right to not invite his son.

[thumbplumpuddingwitch]

Your mum is definitely NBU. Good for her, standing up for her DGS when his own father seems unable to do so. If she went to the wedding, it would be the ultimate betrayal - the people who have stood in loco parentis to him for so long siding with his utter letdown of a father. She is absolutely right.

As for you - you have to make your own decision on this. But quite frankly, I wouldn't want to go and help "celebrate" his union with such an insecure bitch. (no apologies for language - anyone who tries to stop a father being a father to all his children has a major problem) Let's hope it doesn't come back and bite her on the arse, hey - whenever they split up and he gets another new woman who doesn't want him to see his 2 DC he has with this one.

for your nephew - really very .

[scruffybird]

You are all right. I was shocked when my mum first told me and hopefully when invites are sent out he will get one. But as he has never even been round their house I doubt it.
My brother does see him every weekend all be iit not for long and gets a shit time from her because of it. I think he would have walked away from her if he didn't now have two children with her.

[CubaCat]

OMG, that is appalling. Your brother needs to put his foot down - this is his son ffs! Why on earth is he marrying someone who tries to stop him seeing his child and threatens to leave him because he spends time with him?! His son is also their DC's half brother, so she is also denying her kids a relationship with their half brother, when they could have a lovely, happy family. She sounds like a jealous fruitcake. If I were him I'd call her bluff and tell her to leave if she doesn't like it, then put plans in place to see a solicitor so he can get a decent custody arrangement for his kids with her. I hate women who put a man above their kids - it's no different that he's a man. He needs to grow a pair and tell this woman where to go.

And no, if I were you I wouldn't go to their wedding. Someone has to stand up for his son, because he is clearly incapable of doing so.

[Lizzylou]

Also in agreement with your Mom here.

Your Brother's new partner would do well to realise that if he is weak and malleable enough to be persuaded to "drop" his son by her then another woman could do exactly the same to her two boys.

What a pair of twats.

[charliesmommy]

Your mother is right. Your brother is an idiot to allow his gf to behave this appalling way.

I married a man who had 3 children. I knew he had them when I met him and I never for one moment would even think of excluding them from something so important in their dads life. In fact my stepdaughters were our bridesmaid, and stepson was hubbys best man when we got married.

What a shame for that little boy that he is being denied a family with his half siblings, and has a spinless tosser for a dad.

[Lulumaam]

he walked away from his other partner with whom he had a child... why not this one too?

god, he's an arse

i would also stay away from teh wedding and take your DN out somewhere fantastic with your mum

[Nancy66]

Good on your mum for standing up for your nephew.

I think the whole family should do the same.

[corlan]

If my brother behaved like that I would not be at his wedding either.

Your Mum is defending your nephew's dignity as human being - he is 9 years old - a child. Your brother should be defending him. You should be defending him. This is absolutely disgusting.

By going to the wedding you are adding your seal of approval to his behaviour, your blessing to this twisted relationship.

This rejection will stay with your nephew forever. It is a wound from which it will be very difficult to recover. Your Mother is absolutely right to shun your brother's wedding.

[thebrownstuff]

so why is he marrying her then

[mole1]

Definitely YANBU. Sadly a similar situation arose when ex-h got married recently - he had dd1 as a bridesmaid, but dd2 who has severe SN wasn't even invited.

When I questioned this, he said it was because no one would be able to look after her on the day (plenty of other relatives were there who could have helped) . His new wife didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with it either.

Thank God dd2 didn't know or understand. Your poor nephew will know that his own Dad didn't ask him to his wedding. How is he supposed to get over that?? Appalling.

[HappyHECmanay]

your brother is disgusting for choosing a woman over his own child.

I don't blame your mother. If he was my son, I'd be ashamed of him too.

[saffy85]

Your mum is NBU your future SIL is though. Your brother is worse though.

My sister and I were excluded from our dad's second wedding nearly 20 years ago. It still stings now. Your poor nephew. It will hurt a bit less knowing his gran and aunt are on his side though. He doesn't deserve this shit, no child does.

[APixieInMyMulledWine]

lulumaam how do you know he walked away first time? She might have left him.

[melezka]

The thing is, if she can act as if he's dispensable from his first son's life, it gives her all the more leeway to act as if he's dispensable from all his children's lives if they ever split up. Is he prepared for furthering the opinion she clearly has of him being able to opt in and out of children's lives on her whim? Because this will come back and bite him on the bum, I feel.

[Lulumaam]

I don;t know htat pixie, that was in repsonse to the OP saying he would not leave this partner as has 2 children.. but.. so presuming that he left.. which he might not have done of course.

[waitwhat]

i agree with Lulumaam take him somewhere fantastic for the day with you mum

If your brother wont grow a pair and stand up for HIS child then i wouldn't go...I don't think i could be in the same room with him without slapping him

[APixieInMyMulledWine]

Oh ok, thought I was missing something for a minute there.

[RantyMcRantpants]

I agree with everyone else, your brother and his wife to be are both being bell ends. That poor boy, well done to your mother for standing up for him.

My SIL was not going to have her nephews at her wedding (mine and my BIL sons) at her wedding as she didn't want children spoiling it. My MIL turned round and told her not to be silly, that weddings were family occasions and if her grandchildren were not welcome then neither was she and she wouldn't go.

[LoveBeingADaddysGirl]

Your brother needs to grow a pair, he should not be marrying this woman

[Lulumaam]

I'd be interested to know if this was your brother's request or something that his fiancee is pressuring him to do?

either way it's shit, but i think worse if he actually suggested not having his son there

can you speak to your brother privately and have a conversastion with him about the dreadful repercussions this exclusion will have, not just for the wedding, but for his son's life ?

[VallhalaLalalalalalalalaaaaaa]

Your mum INBU. My stepmother was like this and my own father too weak to stand up to her - not to me as I was estranged from my father during my childhood, but to my younger half brothers and sisters, who were the children of the 2nd of my father's 3 marriages. Stepmother was (and still is) very jealous, insecure and controlling and insistant that Dad had less and less to do with his own children, on threat of throwing him out, withholding incomme which he earned and she controlled and by threatening suicide.

I'm 46 and I still wish the bitch had just thrown herself under a bus and got on with it and I suspect my 30 something year old half-siblings feel much the same. The rest of our family sure do!

Her time will come, she is universally hated in the Vallhala family and my father pitied for his weakness originally and now disliked for it. If your DB's wife continues to act like this and your DB continues to enable her to do so, they will get the same treatment in later life. I almost feel sorry for them but I feel far, far more sorry for your poor nephew. SOMEONE has to stand up to your brother, for DN's sake. Thank god your mother is doing so, bless her.

[AbsofCroissant]

To quote someone (I can't remember who) "at least they're not out there ruining another couple". Sounds like they deserve each other, your DB and his nutter GF.

Your mom is NBU, and I agree with Lulu that a day out on the day with your DN is a brilliant idea. Make him known that even though his father is a spineless twunt, the rest of his family cares about him and loves him more than that barking woman.

In my SIL's family, her father always put his new wife ahead of his existing DCs (he was widowed), and the damage to those children has been astounding.

[HappyHECmanay]

I just feel that if you can't accept a child that a person has, then you have no business marrying someone who has a child.

So she is a shit for marrying a man who has a child, when she can't accept that child.
And like I say, he's a shit for setting out to make a life with a woman who can't accept his child.

That poor bloody kid.

Thank god he's got you and your mum.

[spidookly]

Your Mum is right.