mum not going to my brothers wedding

[scruffybird]

Is my mum being unresonable to not go to my brothers wedding?
Ok background info, my brother has a 9 year old son from a previous relationship who since he was very young has spent most weekends at my parents house with my brother seeing him for a few hours over the weekend.
My brothers current partner wants nothing to do with my nephew and tries to make it as difficult as possible for my brother to see his son. They have two boys together both under 2 and are hoping to get married next year. My mum asked if his older son would be invited and my brother went quiet, to which my mum replied "If he isn't invited then I will not be there".
Also I am then torn because do not want my brother to have no close family there but also don't think its right to not invite his son.

[Tootlesmummy]

Your mum is completely right and I think you should also boycott the wedding.

What sort of idiot stays with a nutter who is jealous of a small boy? that is what this is about, jealousy.

Your brother needs to deal with this before it gets worse as if your nephew isn't at the wedding he will resent his father for ever (if he doesn't already!).

Poor little boy.

[zipzap]

I think you should go to the wedding - so that when the vicar/registrar/whatever stands up and says 'anybody here got any reason to stop these two getting married' you can say YES - this woman cannot truly love him if she wants to cut his son out of his life and not even invite him to the wedding'

I'm sure the MN collective will come up with a snappier sentence to reveal sil to be's true horror so you can practise beforehand and not miss the moment...

but have always wondered if anybody did stand up and interrupt like this - and then what happened!!

seriously, it's a horrible dilemma for you and your mum - should be a no brainer for your bro that his son is there. actually aren't all weddings supposed to be public - take nephew to the wedding ceremony at least, tell cro to add extra number to guest list for reception and see if sil to be is prepared to be the wicked stepmum in public and say he can't stay at the wedding when his dad wants him there...

[SantasENormaSnob]

Your mum inbu at all.

I wouldnt go either in your situation.

Disgusting.

[Ormirian]

Nope she isn't BU. Someone needs to be at home to look after the boy.... how unkind!

[Stangirl]

My Mum and Dad divorced when I was about 2. My Dad's new wife banned him from seeing me. They were married for 6 years and he used to sneak out to see me for a few hours twice a year without telling her. When my Dad remarried again (when I was 13) his third wife was appalled at how little I had seen him and made me a guest of honour at their wedding.

Now in my 40s, I don't love my father - I tolerate him and feel sorry for him - but I consider him an abject coward and pitiful human being for allowing his second wife to dictate to him in this way. Now a mother myself I am even more disgusted by his behaviour.

Your mother is not BU and your brother needs to wise up to what he is doing to his son.

[lovelyopaque]

You cannot condone your brother's behaviour by going to the wedding so your Mum is NBU, quite the opposite! How can the awful GF think this is an ok way to behave? She needs to read tis and see the unanimous disgust!

[melezka]

Stangirl - how do you feel about your father's 3rd wife?

[overthehillmum]

My ExH remarried to a woman that had made it perfectly clear over 5 years that she hated my children, they turned up to the wedding, every niece and nephew were included within the wedding party, their new neighbours children were pageboys, they never included my kids in any of the offical wedding pictures and the bride never spoke to them on the day or since. My children hate their father and have nothing to do with his family to the point that their granddad died suddenly two weeks ago and neither of my kids went to his funeral, the reason being that they stood by and watched this woman verbally abusing them and treating them like crap for years and did nothing to prevent it or involve themselves. You run the risk of your nephew cutting you off in the future if he looks back on this and sees that you didn't appear to condone this womans behaviour. (my kids are now 19 & 20)

[VallhalaLalalalalalalalaaaaaa]

"Now in my 40s, I don't love my father - I tolerate him and feel sorry for him - but I consider him an abject coward and pitiful human being for allowing his second wife to dictate to him in this way. Now a mother myself I am even more disgusted by his behaviour."

Amen to that Stangirl. Although, as I said, my own stepmother and I didn't meet until I was in my 20s, she tried the same tricks to keep me and my dad apart as she did to my half siblings. In the end, between her and her daughter, it worked and now I no longer see or have anything to do with him.

My feelings towards my father are exactly sa you describe.

[swanandduck]

Your brother is a disgrace and your mother is quite right to refuse to endorse his behaviour and stay away from that wedding.

[ensure]

I don't think you should go.

[snowyweather]

Stangirl and Vallhalalalalalal and Overthehillmum - that is just so awful.

OP - I don't think I have ever read something so awful, a Dad not having his 9 year old son at his wedding, not letting his 9 year old son have the benefit of siblings.

It is just such a sad situation, how can your brother love his child if he willing to fuck him up this badly?

[FrostyAndSlippery]

how awful I could cry for your poor nephew.

What a cow this new woman is, and your brother is a deadbeat loser.

Jeez. I'm the first to admit I had a few Jealousy Issues when I first met my now-DH. I was young and it was very hard realising that the man I loved had other people he loved already IYSWIM. And I'm ashamed to admit there were times when I wished it were different and that he was the kind of man who didn't care.

Can't believe I ever thought like that now. I have to say, if I'd carried on like that I wouldve thoroughly deserved to be dumped! Thank goodness I grew up, DH's exW gave up trying to poison their minds against me which made it all a lot easier.

Sorry I'm waffling. Anyway - been with DH 8 years now and his DS was a witness at our wedding, and the girls were my bridesmaids. One did a reading too. Can't imagine them not being there.

I was too nervous to do a proper speech at our wedding but I did stand up and thank them for welcoming me into their family.

I dont think you should go either.

[Janos]

I opened this thread thinking it was going to be about some awful toxic-type mum. Having read it I think she is completely in the right.

It's hard to adequately express in words the complete contempt I feel towards individuals like your brother and his WTB.

Much sympathy to you for being put in this position by your brother.

[snowyweather]

Do you know what makes me so sad is that it does not have to be this way.

A friend of mine (who lost her first husband) got married again, and her son from her first marriage, who was only 10 years old at the time that his mum re-married had secretly gone to his teachers and rehearsed a beautiful surprise speech for his mum and step-dad at the wedding.

There was not a dry eye in the house as he took the stage and squeezed in a last speech whereby he welcomed his new Dad into the family and thanked him for helping him and his mum and he wished them every happiness.

This little boy had done this surprise speech without any of the family knowing. Only his school teachers knew and had helped him with the practising.

It was such a beautiful moment. They are a lovely family.

[Stangirl]

melezka I get along very well with my father's third wife. When she married my Dad she was the mother of a 19 year old girl and actually wanted to help build a stronger bond between my father and myself. This could well have worked but my father decided to take a job in Dubai - where he then worked for 20 years. So even when he had the opportunity to see me more often he didn't take it. Oh well. I did have a lovely stepfather for a while at least.

[ladysybil]

i have always been very strict in my opinon that if your parents siblings, etc arent there, then it isnt really a proper wedding. but from your post, i think your mother is doing the right thing. Your nephew is, for all intents and purposes, her son, and she is looking out for his best interests. true the oolder one is also her son, but he's an adult and capapble of making his own decisions etc etc etc.

I think it really amazing of your mother actually. I know i wouldnt be able to choose between two kids like that. and I also think thatyour brother is a fuckwit. (two kids with a woman who wont let him see his first child?)

[StayingFatherChristmasGirl]

OP - your brother has been siding with his new girlfriend and allowing her to sideline his ds from the word 'go', I assume - and yet he has gone on to have not one, but two children with her. That is indefensible.

The very first time that she tried to be difficult about him seeing his son, or threatened to leave him if he saw his own child, he should have dumped her from a great height. The fact that he didn't do so then, or on any of the occasions this has happened since then, proves he is a waste of space as a father.

On the other hand, your mum is a true hero, because she is not only raising this boy, but is willing to miss her own son's wedding in order to stand up for her grandson.

[nextchapter]

Your mother is NOT being unreasonable. Your brother's behaviour is outrageous. He should be ashamed. I don't know how he can look at himself in the mirror knowing what he is doing and how it must be affecting his son. The same for his partner. Truely awful

[diddl]

Blimey-they both sound so awful that it makes you wish that no one would be interested.

In fact it makes you wish that if the little boy is invited he refuses.

[skyswept]

Your mum is a star and NBU at all and you should do the same. It is def about the nephew.

What is worse your brother not having close family there because he himself won't invite his own son

or

Your nephew not being invited and worst of all knowing that his father is marrying a woman who dislikes him and making her his step mum. They will probably have children and "replace" your nephew.

Stick up for your nephew and make it clear to the wife to be and brother why exactly you all are not coming so they have a chance to put it right.

[melezka]

I feel awful every time my children ask about their GF on DH's side. We have to explain that we don't even know whether or not he is alive - DH's SM was exactly like OP's SIL. Every so often we think about trying to find out - but how many times can you go through trying to find where people have moved to, knowing if SM answers phone that no message will be passed on, and then GF says to DH, well, keep in touch son...? Then they move and the whole thing starts again. DH bears such scars. It's heartbreaking. God knows my family are dysfunctional but this would just never have happened with us, and I find it impossible to understand.

[Megatron]

No your mum is definitely not being unreasonable. If I were you I wouldn't be going either, poor boy.

[Tolalola]

There is NO WAY I would go to your brother's wedding, if I were you. By going, you would be giving tacit approval and I'm afraid both your brother and his GF's behaviour is completely repugnant.

Your mother sounds like an excellent person.

[IAmReallyFabNow]

Your brother isn't a man to let his fiancee dictate like this. I suggest you tell him to save his money as I can't see this marriage lasting.