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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Circumcision but no Circumcision Party

446 replies

thefruitwhisperer · 29/12/2010 10:58

DP is turkish but he and his family were all born in the UK and dont practise Muslim traditions apart from Eid. My DP is the only one who does Ramadan and thats only every couple of years when he can be bothered. They celebrate xmas and easter etc.

Ive agreed to have our month old baby circumcised as thats what DP wants and I agree that there are plus points, but Im an atheist so I would like all religious connotations taken out of the situation. I think thats a fair compromise (esp as its going to be quite hard for me, Im really scared) and I would like it to be a quiet decision between DP and I. His family will know the baby has been cut, why do we need to celebrate it in a party that is more for the sake of getting presents than it is anything else. I dont want the gifts.

DP has admitted that the only reason his family circumcise their babies is for social reasons, everyone has it done, everyone has a party, everyone gets money as gifts. Ive compromised on the actual circumcism, and I really really dont want to have a party. I will feel as though Ive sold my babies foreskin. Add to that, if theres no religious reason for it, why are we even doing it - and the only answer I can see is cultural/social/peer pressure reasons. I just dont see any reason to celebrate this pointless operation (obviously only pointless in this instance, I can understand where it is necessary medically or in religious circumstances) other than to show off that we have conformed and then get some money. Children who have their appendixes out dont have parties. I mean, I could equally argue that we have the baby christened catholic, my family all are and dont go to church.

AIBU to have the operation but draw the line at a party? I think DPs family are all going to be disappointed with me. And his grandparents apparently disowned his uncle for the same thing.

OP posts:
diddl · 29/12/2010 12:55

"As i say DH has strong faith and DS may choose to follow Islam, again he would have to be circumcised as an adult."

Then let his choose his faith & whether or not to be circumcised when he is older.

MickyLee · 29/12/2010 12:56

Hands up!!! my spelling and grammer is Shock I have Dyslexia, although that has nothing to do with you.

But getting back to the subject, I know I am making the right decision and I also know that others will not understand them so I am off the thread.

ManateeEquineOhara · 29/12/2010 12:59

The person who commented on grammar was a petty idiot. I don't think you are making the right decision MickyLee, but at least you are confident in what you are doing, unlike the OP who seems very unsure and who will hopefully not put her son through this.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 29/12/2010 13:00

my DS had the ring block. He was in agony, and thats the best method for pain relief. As he was older (2yrs) the doctors said he would be able to show the pain, whereas babies tend not to. Doesnt mean they arent feeling it though.

I find this so emotive after seeing what my DS went through, would you cut a toe off 'just because' i doubt it, but then again the mentality that will allow you to mutilate your own child i wouldnt put it past you. Its sick, and how its legal is a fucking travesty.

How about you chop a few parts off yourself before you go ahead and sever parts of your child?

ManateeEquineOhara · 29/12/2010 13:02

BabyDubs - Sorry to read your DS had to go through that, it sounds like a really hard thing to have too do, and I agree that mutilation for mutilation's sake should be illegal :(

LetThereBeRock · 29/12/2010 13:02

And if you're using only the Emla cream,that'll do almost nothing to relieve your son's pain.

sarah293 · 29/12/2010 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheFeministParent · 29/12/2010 13:11

MickyLee Wed 29-Dec-10 11:44:27
Well OP, I'm with you!

Sorry for anyone that objects but my DS will be circumsised.

He will be 20 months at the time and we are going with the Plasti-Bell meathod.

I live in a Muslim country and if he isn't circumcised then he will be the only boy in school with a foreskin! Although I don't expect boys to be naked around each other, if anyone notices while in gym or the toilets then my DS might get a really hard time.

Not only this but he would have to have to be circumcised for an Islamic marriage(if he wants this of course), and I am sure he would of wished it was done as a tot!

We are not having a party. Mainly because he will be far too young and also I find it very private.

See for me that would be enough to make me move....a country where every child is subjected to unnecessary clipping of the penis. But to be fair I wouldn't have chosen to have children or live there in the first place.

TheFeministParent · 29/12/2010 13:12

Agree with Riven, it's a little like all Somalian girls being subjected to FGM supposedly due to Islam, but this has no roots there either.

TheFeministParent · 29/12/2010 13:14

Sorry Mickeylee I read your first post as if you weren't a Muslim yourself...I see that you are.

Inertia · 29/12/2010 13:14

You can read babies' minds Mickylee ? You can convince yourself it's painless as much as you like, but you don't have the right to judge how much pain these babies are in.

My dd had to have an operation as a newborn - it was carried out under anesthetic ,in a sterile operating theatre, by an expert surgeon. It was still terrifying . I just cannot understand why people blithely put their babies through non-anaesthetised genital mutilation for cultural reasons ( or as a party excuse , as in the OP ) .

janct · 29/12/2010 13:17

I'm confused re the post about circumcision affecting future sex life.

My son had to be circumcised at age 6 for medical reasons. We asked the doc all sort of questions including that one and we were assured it wouldn't.

My sis is married to a guy who also had a circumcision before his teens, again for medical reasons. It's my sis's second marriage and she assures me there are no problems whatsoever.

It's nothing I would remotely consider for anything other than medical reasons, but whatever your opinion I don't think any 'scaremongering' should be based on fact. :)

janct · 29/12/2010 13:18

That'll teach me to read before posting.

"I DO think any 'scaremongering' should be based on fact." :)

PeeringIntoAFestiveVoid · 29/12/2010 13:20

LittleMissHootsMon....
""Sorry for anyone that objects but my DS will be circumsised. (sic)...
..I am sure he would of wished it was done as a tot! ?????
Don't you mean would have wished? Perhaps if your reasons were stronger than your grammar/spelling I'd give you more credence."

Maybe if your powers of reasoning were stronger, you wouldn't have to resort to cheap shots at someones grammar and spelling LittleMissHootsMon Hmm Hmm

PeeringIntoAFestiveVoid · 29/12/2010 13:24

someone's

Blush Grin

TheFeministParent · 29/12/2010 13:24

Janct, my experience of sex with both types of penis means the tip is not wet and so the initial part of sexual intercourse is different. There is a good reason evolution has left the foreskin intact.

hermioneweasley · 29/12/2010 13:29

i am turkish and my brother was circumcised. I assumed i would circumcise my DS, but on the horrified reactions of friends i decided to look into it and decided against it. In this day and age with modern hygiene it isn't necessary and I didn't want to worry about keeping a wound with stitches clean. My brother is happy to be circumcised and assumed he would do the same for his DSs, but his wife wasn't keen so they haven't done theirs either. my dad wasn't happy but it's not his choice. I can understand the pressure - after all my mother who isn't Muslim gave into it and had my brother done, but it's a big thing. DS was christened even though neither of us are religious. it was important to DP's family and having water slopped on you isn't a problem, but having surgery as a young baby is a big deal. Your decision, but it really isn't necessary. Be happy whatever you decide.

janct · 29/12/2010 13:30

Right. I haven't had sex with a skinned penis so have to rely on my sister's and others' experiences. I haven't heard bad reports though.

I assume though that if your son needed the operation for medical reasons you'd agree? If the only sexual problem would be a difference in the initial part of intercourse? After all, a child having the operation for medical reasons wouldn't know any differently when he lost his virginity, would he? I certainly don't intend saying anything to my son about how his sexual experience may be different to that of his uncircumcised peers. Nor, if I ever slept with a man who was circumcised, would I comment on any difference I noticed. It's not as though he can have his foreskin reattached, is it?

twirlymum · 29/12/2010 13:32

Any operation carries risks.
I can't imagine any loving parent willing to do this to their child without medical need.

TheFeministParent · 29/12/2010 13:33

janct...Of course I would, constant pain and infection in childhood verses a minor lack of moisture/sensitivity which they have nothing to compare it to later in life is no contest.

MickyLee · 29/12/2010 13:39

I have sat down with a cup and tea, really thought about this thread. Esp babydubs and have had a massive change of heart. I will wait for DS to decide once he is grown up.

girlynut · 29/12/2010 13:40

I really don't think you should go ahead if neither you nor your DP have strong religious convictions.

My DP's family are Muslim and he was circumcised as a baby. As an adult he feels that something was done to him without his consent and he is quite angry at his parents for allowing it to happen.

It would be a terrible shame if your son resented you in later life for something that was done to him for no good reason other than "everybody else does it".

Please re-consider.

LetThereBeRock · 29/12/2010 13:43

'It's not as though he can have his foreskin reattached, is it?'

And that's exactly why it should be the child's choice,when he's older,to have,or not to have the procedure.Unless it's medically necessary of course.

TheBrandyButterflyEffect · 29/12/2010 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PolkaDotRudolf · 29/12/2010 13:44

In my DH's culture, boys are circumcised (and not always in hospital) when they are 10/11 years old and they become a man Hmm

We have 1 DS and 1 on the way and neither will be circumcised. Hopefully noone will check and DH does not practice any traditional customs so does not have a leg to stand on to argue for it.

If the elders in his family ever find out it will be quite a big deal and I am sure they will "look down" on us forever more but I will not have my sons put through unnecessary trauma for the sake of a few distant relatives we have never met.

If my sons want to get it done when they are adults to conform then that's their choice but I really can't see a grown man choosing to do this.

Please think it through...

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