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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want four children?

129 replies

jinglebelly · 28/12/2010 21:00

DH and I have 3 DC and have always wanted a big family. Despite being in the position to afford four DC whenever I mention having another one people (even family) seem to roll their eyes and think we are mad/stupid

OP posts:
Desiderata · 28/12/2010 21:43

I think the reason people 'roll their eyes and think we're mad/stupid' is because birthdays and Christmas become ridiculously expensive when people have big families.

Remember that, whilst your own children are a blessing, to other people, they can be a burden.

Fernie3 · 28/12/2010 21:45

Yanbu we have 4 and wouldnt change it one bit :)

SantasENormaSnob · 28/12/2010 21:48

Yanbu

i think I want a fourth

PhishFoodAddiction · 28/12/2010 21:50

YANBU and sod what anyone else thinks!

I always wanted 4 children, as I'm one of four and so is my mum...a big family seems right to me. I wanted at least 3 anyway.

At the moment we have no space and no money so no plans for ttc #3. For now I have to visit my friend so I can coo over her newborn DD and enjoy the good bits, safe in the knowledge I can hand her back over! Grin

StarExpat · 28/12/2010 21:54

I can't imagine 4 and only want one, but if you can afford it financially and emotionally, go for it! Grin

cupcakebakerer · 28/12/2010 21:57

Can I just ask why you want four?

Lonnie · 28/12/2010 22:01

I have 4 it was a joint decision between dh and I and I can hand on heart say its amazing wonderful and a great great number to have. I did however also gets lots of why? and eyerollign when I mentioned we wanted a 4th and then I got " was it an accident" when i announced that I was expecting no 4..

no it wasnt an accident and yes I am happy.. she is 7 now

itsawonderfuldarleneconnorlife · 28/12/2010 22:05

I think each will have more one-on-one time of you have 4 spaced out than 2/3 close together.

cupcakebakerer · 28/12/2010 22:05

Why though? Can anyone actually answer why? I have tried asking this on the mum of ten thread to no avail.

toddlerama · 28/12/2010 22:13

YANBU. I've always wanted 4. We have 2 and DH doesn't want more at the minute.

cupcake, surely the answer would be why not? Not everyone finds children as exhausting as others. If you can afford to provide for them, I can think of nothing I would want to fill my life with more.

itsawonderfuldarleneconnorlife · 28/12/2010 22:14

I only have 2 but I'd like to have enough so that each of my Dcs has both a brother and a sister.

I also hate the quiet.

rudolpherina · 28/12/2010 22:18

I have 5 dc. I'm sane, most of the time. The eldest is 8 the youngest 1. In answer to why, I suppose because I love children. They make me laugh everyday and generally make my life wonderful. For them they have the support of their siblings, they are independant, they are great at getting along with people and are very sociable. My house is never quiet and my dc are never stuck for a playmate. I think when people make comments about it, its usually a reflection on their own situation. Everyone handles stress, resposibility differently. I'm quite chilled as a rule. I have seen friends with one or two get stressed but thats about their personality and their own circumstances. Im very lucky to have alot of support in place. I have a cleaner, a babyminder who has dinner cooked two days, 2 grannies who help and I only work 2.5 days a week. Without all that I could not have had 5.

ErnestTheBavarian · 28/12/2010 22:20

Cupcake, why are you o obsessed with why?!

Why have 1, or 2? Do you need reasons for 2?

If it helps, I have 4, and always wanted 4. And I can answer why too, though I'm sure everyone has thi own reasons.

I have 1 sister, close in age, never got on. She was always very dominant. V intense and. Painful relationship. So I never wanted just one, didn't like thought f only child, didn't want 2 s too intense, 3 seemed more likely one would be left out - 2's company & all that, so for me 4 was always the magic number, and am luckily happy it seems to have worked out. So far

Mine are 17 months, 3 years and 5 years apart. Wanted 2x1.5 year gaps, but number 4 took lterally years to come along. Had given up tbh.

minxofmancunia · 28/12/2010 22:21

Going to be contentious here.....in the larger families i know (3+)the parents do struggle to meet all of the dcs needs emotionally in particular.It's a massive commitment.i don't think "I want more" is a good enough reason tbh. I have 2 and know that more than that would make me very miserable so that's where we're stopping.

Saying that i do think 3 has become the new 2, almost like a status thing.

Also to actively WANT no time or life of your own, to be totally centred on children and stupidly busy as that's what it would mean, sorry i just don't get that.

cupcakebakerer · 28/12/2010 22:25

But if you have three already surely that's three children to spend one to one time with and invest in emotionally? I personally think having child after child is more about the parent's wants and needs than the child's. Like you say 'YOU can't think of anything better.' Just playing devil's advocate here really - as afterall it's each to their own - but I would absolutely love at least someone to admit that sometimes it's due to people liking the excitement of pregnancy and the cuteness of babies (I am prepared to be absolutely flamed here in the interest of causing outrage and placating my boredom!!!!). I don't mean to insult...

mamatomany · 28/12/2010 22:25

I have 4 and all their emotional needs as well as there physical are met daily thank you very much Angry
However do not believe those that say 4 is no different from 3, it's 25% more washing, cooking, shopping etc etc.
It's hard work.
But I felt as if he was meant to be and we adore DC4 as we do 1, 2 and 3.

mamatomany · 28/12/2010 22:27

*their Blush

Imarriedafrog · 28/12/2010 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rudolpherina · 28/12/2010 22:32

I dont feel I struggle at all to meet emotional needs of my dc! They know they are completly loved. As for child centred, em well we were out with friends last night, I'm out with the girls tomorrow night and dh and I are away for a night in a hotel on saturday. Hardly child centered. But we all spent this past few days playing board games and watching movies, bliss.

mamatomany · 28/12/2010 22:33

As for why 4 children, I can answer that.
I do love the excitement of planning each pregnancy and then the shopping for new baby things, planning the nursery, the dependancy on you as you breast feed and seeing that individual develop, finding out what makes them unique and tick. Helping that child to reach it's full potential is such a buzz.
Maybe it's because DH and I help people to make the most of their lives for a living we can't stop ourselves wanting to do the same within our homes.
I have considered on many an occasion if we'd bring the 4 of them up differently if there were just 2.
I honestly don't think we would, we are happy with the level of attention they each receive, bed time stories, supervising personal hygiene for the older children, keeping on top of school work and funding the best education we can buy locally.
Each has it's own bedroom that wants it, my middle 2 are like twins do everything together, currently top and tailing despite having bunk beds.
DH and I don't have much of a social life but in truth that would be the case if we had 1 child, we aren't bothered in the slightest.

I might work more with less children to do what line the inland revenues pockets, no thanks.

Imarriedafrog · 28/12/2010 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rudolpherina · 28/12/2010 22:35

And ok I'll admit I loved the pregnancy thing and the buzz of a new baby! Not ashamed to admit that! And I do get a real feeling of pride when I see them all walking together somewhere. Of course there has been loads in it for me, but whats wrong with that?

cupcakebakerer · 28/12/2010 22:42

Ahh the secret is out! It is to do with the excitement! Pregnancy is very exciting :) Honestly though, I really do think it's each to their own. Before I was pregnant people were very confused with my choice to be married and not have children, people thought that was selfish. You never know - I could end up with four! I do think the big family thing is lovely - all sat round a dinner table etc.

violethill · 28/12/2010 22:43

Surely the important thing is that children are loved and have their needs met, emotionally and from the money aspect, right through to adulthood? It's not a numbers game. Parents ( if they are good and responsible parents) feel the same love and pride in their children whether they have one or ten -there's no lower or upper limits on that feeling of love and joy! I felt just as much love and pride when we just had the one as I did when we had our last

StarExpat · 28/12/2010 22:45

Cupcake- I have an Aunt with ten dc. She openly admitted that she loved the thrill and attention that came with pregnancy and adored babies . when one started becoming less of a little baby, she would say "time for another one. I need another baby" and comment on how much she wanted more babies.
She was not a great mother to her dc as they got older - openly admitted she found them "annoying" and "a nuisance"...etc.
Whenever we visited(not often), there was a lot of yelling and smacking the dc Shock.
They also smoked constantly so my mother made my sister and I stay outside.
Anyway, I'm sure this is an odd case and very different than what usually happens, but just fit what you were saying, cupcakes.
She couldn't afford it either. She's in America but lived entirely off the state.
Her choice, but it seemed odd to worry over money then keep having more mouths to feed.

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