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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not be totally honest with ss re my dgs?

122 replies

kaylasmum · 22/12/2010 15:11

I have been looking after my dgs for the last year, he is 4 yo. My dd has bpd and is receiving treatment. Ss have been in my dgs life for almost 2 years, he was initially on the register under physical and mental abuse but since he's been on a supervision order and had my home recognised as his address he has been deregistered. My dd has been improving over the year and my dgs should be returning to her care in the new year. The problem is that my dd has been letting things slip a little over the last week or two. My dgs has understandably got some behavioural problems and my dd has really struggled to control him in an appropriate manner. She Did attend a parenting class which has helped but I am concerned that she is noy going to be able to cope with him when she has him back home. there has been one or two incidents lately where she has screamed at him and callled him a freak, told him to shut up and pulled his hair. We had a meeting today with Ss about more unsupervised contact and overnight stays. The sw asked me how I thought things were and I said that things are much improved but Did'ntt mention the incidents. I feel caught in the middle, I want my dgs to be reunited with his mum but I am a little worried about his wellbeing given my dds recent outbursts.

OP posts:

TrillianAstra · 22/12/2010 15:13

If you care about his wellbeing then be honest with social services. His wellbeing is what they are there for, and they can only help properly if they know the truth.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 22/12/2010 15:13

I think you really need to tell them.

What a horrid situation for you to be in

waitwhat · 22/12/2010 15:15

You need to tell them. He needs too be secure and safe

LaWeaselMys · 22/12/2010 15:15

I think you're absolutely right to be honest, if the sw doesn't have a clear picture it makes it much harder for then to make the right decision about contact between your grandson and daughter.

I don't know what your family situation is like, but have you thought about having your dd to live with you so that her contact with dgs is always supervised if you see what I mean?

dockate · 22/12/2010 15:15

YABVU; if there is any risk at all that you are aware of then ss should know about it. You are seriously letting DGS down if you do not inform them.

HarlotOTara · 22/12/2010 15:16

Hard though it is I think you need to say something to ss. From what you have described your daughter's behaviour isn't really appropriate and maybe she needs more support. It must be be very difficult for you though.

bupcakesandcunting · 22/12/2010 15:16

Tell them.

pagwatch · 22/12/2010 15:16

I have huge sympathy fir your situation.

But in this situation you should be completely honest.

If your dds behaviour was not worrying then you would not feel obliged to lie.
Therefore you need to think that through and remember exactly who is the most vulnerable person in this situation-your dgs.

Your feelings are understandable but you have to be honest.
You are not helping either of them by rushing her into increased supervision and therefore responsibility

Littlefish · 22/12/2010 15:17

I think you should be very worried.

Your dgs safety and emotional well-being are paramount in all this and being "screamed at" and called a "freak", having his hair pulled and being told to "shut up" are not minor incidents.

I think if your dd is struggling, then you need to slow things down again with regard to unsupervised contact and overnight stays. You need to put your dgs first, and speak again to SS. Your dd is not ready for more contact and is certainly not ready to have your dgs returned to her care.

BringOnTheGoat · 22/12/2010 15:18

It must be terrible to be torn between DD and DGS. Thing is DGS is vunerable and needs you to step in on his behalf. DD is an adult and is making her choices now. As much as it pains you, he must come first.

Feenie · 22/12/2010 15:19

If she has pulled his hair in front of you, that's very worrying, don't you think? It's not normal, and it's not acceptable. You need to tell SS the full story, or they cannot do their job properly - you aren't allowing them to do their job properly. I'm so sorry that you feel in the middle, it must be awful for you. But your grandson is a child - your dd isn't. It's him who deserves your protection.

GetOrfMoiLand · 22/12/2010 15:23

I agree with others.

You are in a horrible siuation and I do feel very sorry for you, but please do tell social services. It is not fair on your dgs or your dd for things too move too quickly.

Chatelaine · 22/12/2010 15:23

For the sake of your dgs you must be honest and matter of fact with ss. If you are economical with the truth and something later came to light, then you may not be trusted. Express your concerns; they should know the difference between genuine insight into your family and interference. Sorry, that sounds so awful. The bottom line is the child's welbeing as they are more at risk. Your dd is an adult and whilst everyone wishes to see her reunited with her child, that may not be in his interests.

Original poster

kaylasmum · 22/12/2010 15:27

I know I should tell them but I don't think my dd would ever forgive me. She seems to think its funny that I lied to them. The sw told her that they had decided they would like to let my dgs have an overnight stay at his mums Tonight. She told me after that she had plans this evening. It seems to me that she is still putting her wants before her ds needs.

OP posts:

bupcakesandcunting · 22/12/2010 15:32

Doesn't matter that your daughter wouldn't forgive you for not lying; would you ever forgive you if you lied then something happened to your dgs?

PaxoIsEvil · 22/12/2010 15:32

Then you have to tell SS the truth. If you don't, you are putting him at risk. It's sad, but you can't make your DD a good mother. Although I can't imagine the pain you must feel seeing her behave this way :(

Chatelaine · 22/12/2010 15:36

Ditto to what PaxoIsEvil said.

allnightlong · 22/12/2010 15:38

You need to tell the SW ASAP about what going on otherwise when they find out about it they may feel your also unfit to care for your DGS.

LadyBiscuit · 22/12/2010 15:40

There's mental illness and there's being not a very fit parent. People with BPD can make great parents but calling your 4 year old a freak, pulling his hair and not bothering to stay in when you get your first overnight contact isn't being a great parent.

Does your DD take her meds regularly?

Original poster

kaylasmum · 22/12/2010 15:41

in answer to whoever asked if there was a possibility f my dd moving back home, I have 2dc at home aged 7 and 3 so we are overcrowded enough, also my dd would not want to move back in, she's been living away from home for 9 years now. For the most part there has been a huge improvement and she uses a lot of the coping strategies that she has learned from her dbt group meetings. It seems that when she is particularly stressed that she loses control, I'm not trying to make excuses for her but this is a horrendous situation to be in.

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 22/12/2010 15:42

Oh how awful for you to have to make this choice. The fact that she thinks it is funny shows how risky it is to put your dgs in her care full time. I really think you need to go to sw and tell her the truth. If they find out in the future that you havent and they feel she is a danger to him, you may find they feel they cant trust you either - for your dgs sake tell them.

Rocky12 · 22/12/2010 15:43

Please tell SS. There are too many stories around about children being mistreated or even killed by mentally ill people. What on earth is your daughter doing behind closed doors to your DGS?

She is clearly not ready to take her responsibilities seriously. I suppose there is no father around?

Rocky12 · 22/12/2010 15:44

Sorry,father to help out I mean. I dont mean to assume that she is a single parent (although she might be)

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 22/12/2010 15:46

You have to tell them the truth. The needs of a child come before those of an adult.

Also, if ss find out you lied - do you think they'll leave him with you?

And what if due to your lies your daughter gets her son before she is truly ready, mentally, to parent him and she hurts him? What responsibility for that will lie with you too?

Porcelain · 22/12/2010 15:49

If she's not ready, it's not fair on either of them to pretend she is. Better she waits than slips and loses him long term. If they found out you lied and put him at risk, would they even let you take him back in that situation?

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