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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be totally honest with ss re my dgs?

122 replies

kaylasmum · 22/12/2010 15:11

I have been looking after my dgs for the last year, he is 4 yo. My dd has bpd and is receiving treatment. Ss have been in my dgs life for almost 2 years, he was initially on the register under physical and mental abuse but since he's been on a supervision order and had my home recognised as his address he has been deregistered. My dd has been improving over the year and my dgs should be returning to her care in the new year. The problem is that my dd has been letting things slip a little over the last week or two. My dgs has understandably got some behavioural problems and my dd has really struggled to control him in an appropriate manner. She Did attend a parenting class which has helped but I am concerned that she is noy going to be able to cope with him when she has him back home. there has been one or two incidents lately where she has screamed at him and callled him a freak, told him to shut up and pulled his hair. We had a meeting today with Ss about more unsupervised contact and overnight stays. The sw asked me how I thought things were and I said that things are much improved but Did'ntt mention the incidents. I feel caught in the middle, I want my dgs to be reunited with his mum but I am a little worried about his wellbeing given my dds recent outbursts.

OP posts:
Original poster
kaylasmum · 23/12/2010 01:00

thank you all for your frank opinions! My dgs is at his mums tonight and its going well. She had told him he was getting to stay when the sw was here, he was very excited. I could'nt turn round and tell him no. I just want to say in my defence that I always tell my dd that what she is doing is wrong and I don't condone it for a second. I've also told her that if I witness anymore outbursts from her towards her ds that I won't hesitate to inform the Ss. I've had long and painful conversations with her about whether she is able to look after her ds or not. I have no doubt that she loves him but I'm just not sure if that's enough.

OP posts:
Morloth · 23/12/2010 02:16

You must tell the truth, you must.

He is just a little boy, his needs come before your daughter's feelings and the before the relationship you have with her.

Don't let him down, he is only a baby still really and doesn't deserve to be called names and have his hair pulled.

You must tell the truth, I know it must be hard but it just isn't right.

MavisG · 23/12/2010 03:55

Thing is, you tell her with words you can't condone her actions, you then tell her with your actions that you do.

Tell the SW. If you do it quickly you can tell them the whole truth and then next time they interview you they'll push a bit harder for your answers. Also this will show your daughter that telling the truth is the right thing to do: it's important she be honest if she's not coping, now or later. Agree with the pp who said your daughter's telling you she's not ready.

Horrible for you. But no choice. And your partner would do the same for his children in the future if he had to - I don't underestimate how hard it is but he needs to support you and if you can't cope tell ss so you can look at fostering. And tell them you need support.
Good luck.

hairyfairylights · 23/12/2010 09:45

Please please protect your dgs and tell as your concerns.

I have deepest sympathy for you and understand the issues. But dgs must come first and must not be put back into aemotionally and physically abusive situation.

Pick ip the phone now if you haven't already.

hairyfairylights · 23/12/2010 09:46

Tell ss, I meant.

onceamai · 23/12/2010 10:00

If you are happy for your dgs to stay with you pretty much permanently and can manage - do you have to tell social services - can't you reach an amicable arrangement with your dd about this? I don't know all the facts and I'm not qualified to comment but if the dgs is kept completely safe and dd's access is supervised what harm can be done? Ultimately, I imagine this is about whether you are happy to become dgs's permanent full time carer or guardian.

It must be awful for you - at the end of the day dd is still your dd and needs your loyalty and help. Good luck and I hope it all turns out OK for all of you - DD too because presumably she has significant problems.

Original poster
kaylasmum · 23/12/2010 11:13

my dd is an extremely difficult person to speak to, I have asked her on numerous occasions if she wants her son back and for the most part she is adamant that she does but at times when she's been struggling she seems unsure. I have been in this situation before when my younger dsis more or less abandoned her girls aged 6 and 22months in favour of her bf who had physically attacked the youngest. They were in foster care for a couple of weeks then came to stay with me. I then had 5 kids to look after and a disabled father who I helped care for. Anyway I ended up with depression due to all the pressure and my neices went back into foster care. I've since heard that these people are no longer allowed to foster. My neices eventually went to live with their father and his partner, who is an amazing mother to them, but sadly the eldest was sexually abused by her father when she was 14. I feel so guilty about that, if only I'd kept them with me. The last ting I want is for my dgs to go into permanent foster care but I'm not sure that I can offer him a permanent home. I just keep hoping that my dd can become a good mother.

OP posts:
IAmReallyFabNow · 23/12/2010 11:41

YABVVVVU not to say anything and that is a minor way of saying you are being negligent.

Your grandson is not going to get the care he needs from his mother so it is up to you to make sure he does.

You are doing him and his mother no favours by lying to the SS.

You have a moral duty to do the right thing and I can't believe you have lied to them about this.

That poor child SadAngry.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/12/2010 11:41

"when she is at home with him he behaves well it just seems that if we are all together or out in town that he stats to play up"

How do you know he behaves well when you're not there? How can you know? You have to take DD/DGS's word for that. Can you trust their word for this situation? DD could lie to avoid dealing with it, DGS could lie because he wants to be with his mum.

I can see that you have reason not to want fostering to happen, but you really sound as if you need more support from SS and you need to ask them for it. You have taken on an awful lot, more than I could cope with.

Please, don't let your grandson down - your DD is not yet in a position to mother her son (finding it funny that you lied to SS? FFS) so you need to be in charge here and you need to be straight with SS. Read what other posters have said about collusion and how that could affect how they loook at you. And if your DD doesn't like it then that's just tough.

Original poster
kaylasmum · 23/12/2010 12:07

I know everyone is right, if I do speak to Ss I'm pretty sure that they will decide to look for a permanent place for my dgs. They won't give my dd anymore time to sort herself out, this has been going on for almost 2 years now. I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 23/12/2010 12:11

I agree with the others, you must tell them the truth, the welfare of your dgs has to come first. Your dd obviously is not ready.

Please I urge you to be honest with them, you must do, how would you feel if anything happened to your dgs?

Feelingsensitive · 23/12/2010 12:13

I sympathise but its your duty to tell them. Not sure how to tackle that with your DD other than telling her your concerns as well. Ultimately, you are responsible for your dgs welfare and if anything were to happen how would you feel. Really feel for you OP.

AllOverIt · 23/12/2010 12:16

God what a bloody awful situation to be in. I do have to agree with others that you have to inform SS. You have to put your DGS above your DD in this instance. She's not ready if she's behaving this way.

Really feel for you.

IAmReallyFabNow · 23/12/2010 12:16

You might have something else much worse to live with for the rest of your life if you say nothing. One day your grandson will be old enough to ask you why you didn't stand up for him.

Feelingsensitive · 23/12/2010 12:18

Just read you posts on this page. I don't know how these things work but surely a foster home with supervised contact with her is a possibility with the aim of moving towards unsupervised contact then permanent placement?

I also suspect that what you know is only half of what has actually happened. Why would your DD or DGS tell you what else has gone on if no one is there.

So sorry for you OP. You have clearly had a tough time.

Original poster
kaylasmum · 23/12/2010 12:34

feelingsensitive---- I'm almost certain that this would be the end for my dd, we have had discussions in the past with the sw about the timescale and they have said that they could'nt let it drag on much longer. I understand what you say about my dd not being honest with me about what happens when she's on her own with her ds but she does find it difficult to lie to me and I usually know if she is lying. My dd is actually I very intelligent young woman and she really does'nt want to hurt her ds.

OP posts:
Original poster
kaylasmum · 23/12/2010 12:39

just want to add that my dd has mentioned before that if she does'nt get her ds back that she'd have nothing to live for, she has taken an overdose in the past and does have suicidal thoughts from time to time. Don,t want to lose my dd!

OP posts:
Morloth · 23/12/2010 12:39

But she is hurting him, TBH it isn't what you would have to live with for the rest of your life that should be your concern it is what your grandson is going to have to live with for his that is paramount.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/12/2010 12:41

Her intentions are immaterial to your grandson, he can only perceive her actions.

As Hec said earlier -
Mummy calls me a freak but she doesn't mean it
Mummy screams at me but she doesn't mean it
mummy hits me?

Morloth · 23/12/2010 12:41

Your latest post just makes it seem even worse, you can't sacrifice your grandson to keep your daughter.

God, I feel for you, but he has no voice, you have to put what he needs ahead of what any of the adults around him need.

IAmReallyFabNow · 23/12/2010 12:43

What Morloth said.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/12/2010 12:43

And the suicidal thoughts could well be emotional blackmail to keep you onside. Her 'nothing to live for' doesn't sit well with her having plans for the evening of the first night SS let her have an overnight. She's playing you.

mamatomany · 23/12/2010 12:45

You need to make a decision long term if you can keep him or not because your DD is in the fortune position of being able to mess this child around because she knows you will pick up the pieces.
In your shoes i'd be having a frank discussion with her, SS and applying for custody or whatever it's called these days. The little boy needs stability urgently.
Am sorry your daughter is in a mess but this baby comes first.

BitOfFun · 23/12/2010 12:50

This sounds like a family where the adults are pretty busy thinking about themselves Xmas Hmm

Does the unanimity of responses here not tell you something? It doesn't happen often, you know.

mindtheagegap · 23/12/2010 13:00

Hi Kaylasmum, I really sympathise with you - my Sis has schizophrenia and when she was very unstable i looked after her DD. Luckily she is stable now and has her DD back - but it is so difficult when someone you love becomes a diferent person due to illness. Your DD is not necessarily a bad mum - but she is not well & need your help as much as your DGS does. Colluding is not the right help though - If something happens to your DGS whilst in her care, not only will you feel terrible, but it could destroy her chance of being his mum in the long term, and no doubt she would be devasted if she hurt him. Above all, DGS is a child and is relying on you to keep him safe. I think the fact that you posted shows that you know what you need to do - but I appreciate that that doesn't make it any easier. Good luck.