to not be totally honest with ss re my dgs?

[kaylasmum]

I have been looking after my dgs for the last year, he is 4 yo. My dd has bpd and is receiving treatment. Ss have been in my dgs life for almost 2 years, he was initially on the register under physical and mental abuse but since he's been on a supervision order and had my home recognised as his address he has been deregistered. My dd has been improving over the year and my dgs should be returning to her care in the new year. The problem is that my dd has been letting things slip a little over the last week or two. My dgs has understandably got some behavioural problems and my dd has really struggled to control him in an appropriate manner. She Did attend a parenting class which has helped but I am concerned that she is noy going to be able to cope with him when she has him back home. there has been one or two incidents lately where she has screamed at him and callled him a freak, told him to shut up and pulled his hair. We had a meeting today with Ss about more unsupervised contact and overnight stays. The sw asked me how I thought things were and I said that things are much improved but Did'ntt mention the incidents. I feel caught in the middle, I want my dgs to be reunited with his mum but I am a little worried about his wellbeing given my dds recent outbursts.

kaylasmum You are in a horrible situiation, you just need to be totally honest with everyone in the situation. That is it.

If you can, start writing down what is going on, so if you find the words hard to say, you have a written record you can show the SS. They will have yor DGS best interest at heart, as do you. Sometimes no mum is better than a bad one. That is harsh, but think of the damage she is doing to your DGS. My parents were for the most part good, but boy do I remember the "one off" comments or hits. I stays with you, it damages you.

Call your daughters SW now and talk to them. Do it today, and do the right thing. the guilt of not doing the right thing will eat you up.

I am sorry that you have such a chaotic home life. Life is fucking hard sometimes.

kaylasmum you say SW won't let DGS live with you - why is that?

What a really sad and difficult situation for you. However you must be honest with SW.

On a practical level, yes, SW will not allow your dgs to drift and if rehabilitation to your dd is not looking like happening (and from what you say really can't happen at the moment) the options SW will have in their head for your dgs will be:

• living with you on a permanent basis. This can be achieved through them carrying out a kinship care assessment on you. Then you can apply through the court (a s.11 order) for your dgs to reside with you. SW should pay your lawyers fees if they support you in this option.

• a permanence order with ancillary orders to say that he lives with you. SW may prefer this if they feel that your dgs needs their input regarding your dd and her lifestyle.

• long term foster care - although as he is under 5 they will not want to go down this route as he will always remain a "looked after child" and will have to attend hearings and laac reviews through his lifetime and will not have the stability and love that he needs from a permanent family

• a permanence order with authority to adopt This is the most far-reaching order as he would be placed with adoptive parents - you can now get an order for you/your dd to have contact with him although that is likely to be around 3x a year only and supervised.

If there is any possibility that your dgs could stay with you, you need to show SW that you are able to put his needs first - over and above those of your dd ie/ by being truthful to them about your dd and not covering things up for her. If you do cover things up they may no longer think you a suitable person to look after you dgs.

I hope this helps and that you get some sort of resolution sorted for your family.

There's a thread on here atm - basically 'shit things my parents said that still make me sad/vulnerable/angry' your gs already has that doesn't he? He needs you to protect him.

Bitoffun---- I think your post was a little unkind, all I've ever done is look out for my kids and now my dgs. I've always stood by my children no matter what. There is no way I'm only thinking of myself, I'm in total turmoil over this. I've decided that I'm going to speak to my dd and hopefully I'll be able to convince her to speak to the sw herself but if she won't I'm going to make it clear to her that I will. She's definately not ready to have him home.

kaylasmum, Please be ready for your DD to hit you with all she can emotionally, she will beg you not to "tell". I think it would be much better to tell the SS first and then tell your daughter what you have done. I think your DGS needs you to tell SS what you saw openly and not have your DD do it as it would most likely be an edited version?

You wouldn't be on here talking about it if you were not worried sick. We all recognise that I think.

I know your DD is your DD- but your DGS is a child and she is an adult and that is where your obilgations and loyalties lie, with the child in the situation.

Good Luck.

kaylasmum
when you say bpd - do you mean bi-polar disorder, or borderline personality disorder?

I was talking about your daughter and your other relatives, kaylasmum. You sound like the only one with any sense of responsibility- and that little boy needs you to hang onto it and do the right thing for him.

what other adult relatives have I mentioned?

its borderline personality disorder that my dd has.

Meep is right - if SS get a hint that you will put your DDs feelings above your Grandson then you risk him being placed outside the family. You must be honest with them that your DD isn't coping. You know deep down that her loving him is not enough.

What a truly terrible situation for you - I'm so sorry.

I have to agree with the others on this thread, though. I don't think you're going to get the happy ending you want and deserve, but you do have to put your dgs first.

I'm quite shocked, now that I've read some of your subsequent posts, actually Kaylasmum.

I realise you are in a predicament, but to knowingly allow your DGS back into an abusive situation has got to be the worst case scenario of all of them.

The alternative, then is to allow him back, knowing he will be abused again.

Despite your fears for your DD, can't you see that there is no way you can place your DGS back into that scenario?

You need to tell Social Services, and you need to ask them for help for your DD regarding the potential risk of her harming herself.

But paramount has to be the safety of your DGS.

If you do not tell Social Services, your DGS will be harmed, and you will have to live with that.

PS: I say this with some limited knowledge of BPD. Your daughter sounds utterly incapable of having him back.

Oh sorry- that was another poster. Excuse me.

Is there any treatment for BPD? I thought you meant Bi-polar as well. Aren't personality disorders notoriously difficult to help?

I think its vital you are honest. If he returns home and things go wrong and social services found out you have been complicit in hiding the truth your dgs will not be returned to your care. Social services will never trust your word again.

Wether your dd will forgive you or not is not the issue. Could you forgive yourself if something happened? Would your dgs forgive you for sending him back to an abusive and mentally ill mother?

Kaylasmum
Are you getting any support? Are you in contact with www.frg.org.uk ? Do social services treat you as a kinship carer or have they just left you to it?

This is a very difficult situation for you but I think you realise what you have to do.
I have to agree with other posters who have warned that if SS think you are colluding with your DD, you will lose him altogether.

He will be off to a fc and they can do this immediately if they think he is in danger.

It sounds like your DD isnt ready to care for him on her own. There is nothing to be gained from him going back to her too early.

I am concerned that you are not getting the help you need.

I feel so sorry for the wee boy.

It seems to me that nobody wants him :(

You're "not sure" if you can take him on? I'd walk through hell to make sure a loved one of mine was cared for.

There are faults with everyone here & nobody is doing anything to make it better.

Kaylasmum I can see how you are in the moddle here, of course you're worried that by your aciton in telling SWs about this, that your DD will feel she has nothing to live for as she has stated before.
The one thing you must hold on to is that it is your DDs actions which will cause her to feel this, NOT yours.
By telling SW about what she's done you are not 'doing' anything. You are simply passing information on about what has actually been done BY YOUR DD.
It is she who bears the responsibility and she whose actions have the effects here.
It is a deeply sad situation but you have done your DGS proud so far and will continue to do so if you keep SS informed.
It couldn't be more important that SS know; the longer is goes on for him the more difficult it will be for him to ever truly bond with a foster family, if that's the way it goes.
Please keep all doors of opportunity open for him, it is what your DD would want if she were fully well, which she isn't. You can provide what she WOULD want, if she could.

moddle? Middle!

fairhairedandfrustrated---- your comment was out of order! I love my dgs very much and the last thing I want is for him to go onto fc. Do you think its decision I've made lightly? I have to consider my dc and my own mental health aswell. your not in my position and hopefully you never will be. You have no right to pass judgement on me!

Apart from MN being a public forum and the fact that you invited opinions by asking 'AIBU'.

yes a public forum, and yes I asked aibu but Did'nt to be personally attacked. I Did'nt ask if I wasbu to not be able to provide my dgs with a permanent home.

AIBU comes with a warning, Kaylasmum. I do have lots of sympathy with your situation. But you can't berate other posters for giving their opinion, even if you don't like or agree with him.