to not be totally honest with ss re my dgs?

[kaylasmum]

I have been looking after my dgs for the last year, he is 4 yo. My dd has bpd and is receiving treatment. Ss have been in my dgs life for almost 2 years, he was initially on the register under physical and mental abuse but since he's been on a supervision order and had my home recognised as his address he has been deregistered. My dd has been improving over the year and my dgs should be returning to her care in the new year. The problem is that my dd has been letting things slip a little over the last week or two. My dgs has understandably got some behavioural problems and my dd has really struggled to control him in an appropriate manner. She Did attend a parenting class which has helped but I am concerned that she is noy going to be able to cope with him when she has him back home. there has been one or two incidents lately where she has screamed at him and callled him a freak, told him to shut up and pulled his hair. We had a meeting today with Ss about more unsupervised contact and overnight stays. The sw asked me how I thought things were and I said that things are much improved but Did'ntt mention the incidents. I feel caught in the middle, I want my dgs to be reunited with his mum but I am a little worried about his wellbeing given my dds recent outbursts.

It's really very wrong to be making these personal attacks on the OP. Almost all other posters recognise that she is in an incredibly difficult and awful situation. Kaylasmum, I really feel for you. Please don't be upset by these personal attacks, they are disgraceful.

I'm not saying they are right. But AIBU definitely invites them.

Where are the personal attacks? No one is name calling or making accusations. People are concerned about the kittle boy who could be kept out of harms way.

the personal attack I'm referring to is the poster that implied that I don't care about my dgs and talking about how "she would walk through hell"! As if to judge me for not being able to give my dgs a permanent home. Anyway I have spoken to my dd about all this and what my concerns are, she is receiving dbt for her illness and is on medication. I asked her to speak to her psychologist today and explain to him about what has been happening and if she feels that my dd is ready to have her ds back. She said to see how it goes over the next 2 weeks and to review it.

Kayla dont take it personally - you know yourself how passionately you feel about your kids - for someone with no experience of what you are talking about your situation sounds awful and ignorance can lead to sounding judgy. Dont take it personally. You need to do what you feel is right but in all honesty I think you know what that is or you would never ever have posted on somewhere as frank as aibu.

hi prettyfly1, my dd has text me and told me that her psychologist thinks she probably is'nt ready to have him back full time. My dd says that she will do the right thing and not try to rush things. I've told her that I'll continue to look after my dgs until she's ready. She wants the best for her ds.

I am surprised that the social worker has not already asked your daughter's psychologist for a prognosis in regards to when, if ever, she will be ready to care for her son.

As I said earlier, your grandson needs to have some security and permanency. You have clearly done a wonderful thing in taking care of him in this interim period, but if this situation has been going on for over a year, and you know in your heart that you can not offer him a permanent home, some tough decisions are going to need to be taken soon.

did you tell the SW though?

I am sorry to say it, but you have not done enough yet. tell them.

i hope your dd makes a full recovery soon.

That's actually not a personal attack Kaylasmum. You've asked for advice, and you are getting it.

I'm sorry you dont' like the answers you are getting, and I do realise it's a horrible situation but I will repeat : your dear grandson has to come first, before you and before your daughter.

Your daughter clearly realises at the moment that she's not ready, but will she continue to be as stable and perceptive of her own abilities/condition?

thatsnotmymonkey has said it all.

You have not done enough.

I really pity your poor grandson, as there seem to be no adults around prepared to put him first.

I agree with toalake no need to lay into the OP. This is a terribly terribly difficult situation for her, it is obvious that she loves everyone in her family.

hairyfairylights---- I don't object at all to the posters who have said that I should tell Ss, I do know that I should. Have any of you ever been in this situation before? Its very easy to say what you should do when your not in that situation. What I do object to is people trying to make out that I'm an awful person because I'm unsure if I can offer my dgs a permanent home, I'm tormented enough over this. Also you've said how all the adults seem to care more for themselves than my dgs, I find that incredibly hurtful! through no fault of hs own my dgs has extreme behavioural problems, my dcs have found this last year very difficult as a result of this and I've mentioned already that my relationship with my dp is suffering quite badly because of this. What am I supposedto do? Let my children suffer and have their parents separate? As I've already mentioned, i've always stood by my children, I have 5. My 24yo has been through hell with self harming and suicide attempts, my 19yo dd is in a relationship with an alcoholic and is 20 weeks pg and obviously there's my 26yo dd with bpd. I also suffer intermittantly from anxiety and depression, both my parents are dead and I have no-one to talk to. I'm not saying all this to get sympathy but to try to make it clear about my situation. I love my kids and dgs more than I could ever explain, they are my life. My dds psychologist has in the past given reports to my dds sw, so given the fact that my dd spoke to her psychologist about what has happened lately I would think that would be in her next report. There is to be a hearing at the children's panel at the end of january so this will all come to light then.

Kaylasmum

I was in fc from 11 til 21. My mum had bipolar. Me and my younger brother believe it was the best thing that happened to us.

It must be hard for you, of course it is. Think of it from your dgs pov. He must be so confused.

That is a very moving post, Kaylasmum. I think that telling dd's psychologist about it is enough. The psychologist will be able to make the right call about how to phrase her/his report to SS to get the best result for all concerned.

hi iggly, thanks for your post. I know my dgs is confused by all of this, I've tried my utmost to give him a stable and loving environment. I wish things could be different. Toalake---- thank you for understanding, I've made it very clear to my dd if I witness any more abuse then I will not hesitate to call Ss. She is in agreement with me. She does not want to hurt her ds!

Yes, kayla - it sounds like you do try so hard for him! I wouldn't like to be in your position and hope things work out for you. I just wanted to reassure that if the "worse" happened and he was taken into care, it could work out ok. I know my mum has never forgiven herself, but she knows we've turned out just fine.

I'm desperately sorry you are in this horrible predicament.
It would just solve virtually all the difficulties if DD and DGS could be together.

Was DD alone or with someone when DGS was 0-2 yo ?

It sounds as if you are coming under pressure from your DP to discontinue your caring for DGS.
Is that fair comment ?

kaylasmum, I feel like you are sort of sitting on this information in the presumed the hope that the psychologist will pass it on. That just is not good enough. You know it, I know it.

I hope you can come to make the right decision and I truly hope you get some peace of mind soon. You have so much going on, sincerely you have my sympathies.

I wish you well.

cumfy---- my dd had a partner when my dgs was born, they met when my dd was 4 months pg. The natural Did'nt want to know. Her relationship with her dp was extremely stormy and sometimes violent, her dp was a heavy weed user. My dgs was witness to many upsetting arguements. He considers this man to be his daddy. My dd also confided in me that she was smoking weed occasionally through her pregnancy. My dgs was born at 32 weeks as he had stopped growing in the womb at 26 weeks. He weighed 2lbs 12oz. Whem my dd and her dp split up she really started to struggle. My dgs still sees his daddy who loves him very much. My dp has been and still is very supportive through all of this and would agree to bring him up if that's what I decided. Its just my dgs behaviour can be extremely stressful and does have an impact on our relationship.

How are you feeling today, kayla? I thought of you and yours over Christmas, with great sympathy.

bump - hope things are ok?

You must tell them, you simply must, so that they can do parenting work with her. Your DGS behaviour will never improve with a mother who has such outbursts with him - I know that SS screw up sometimes but you need to trust them to try and help.