To dread in-laws visit due to their table manners?

[asseenontv]

When the ILs come over for a meal they always pile their plates so high with food that there is not enough left for us and I find it really rude and bad mannered.

Their plates are usually about 4 inches deep in food (no kidding) and DH and I share whatever is left between us and the kids. We have tiny portions as a result and the ILs often notice and say 'oh not on a diet again are we?' or similar joke. We leave a small amount in the serving dishes for 'seconds' as well and usually FIL has finished his mound before I have finished my first mouthful and will then share out whatever is left between him and MIL. No chance for us to have seconds at all. AIBU?? I find it so rude. And frankly, disgusting that they stuff their faces whilst their GC go without at the same table!

We've tried over-catering in an attempt to prevent this happening but they subconsciously see it as a challenge and scoff the lot as usual. Serving out their plate for them results in them having many rounds of 'seconds' and again no food for us.
How can we stop this happening when they come round on Christmas Eve ?
(they are not fat, they walk dogs and have hollow legs big appetites but come on!)
Or AIBU?

I've just decided that I need to get some more Christmas shopping in. I'm used to the dc eating huge amounts of roast potatoes but just thought that three of our guests are now teenagers and will need at least twice as much as anyone else.

I much prefer to choose what I want myself, but in this case plating up a fair portion of food for everyone and then letting people help themselves to what's left seems the fairest way of doing it.

Getorfmoiland said plating up for others is vile, which is what happens in virtually all restaurants, and most people i know plate up their family's food. The only time I generally don't have plated up food is visiting my inlaws, and she has a huge range of large serving dishes which I would never use and don't have storage space for and have no desire to do excess washing up.

I plate up as it saves room on the table & people reaching over for stuff.

But that´s for family.

Wouldn´t do it for friends whose appetites I´m not to sure of.

I think their are a lot of cultural issues associated with meals and that culture varies hugely from family to family, and when it feels like it's going wrong it can get us at quite a instinctive level.

So my ILs have an everything on the table and pile it high approach, whereas my family carve and serve at the head of the table, giving each person a reasonable serving with the expectation of second helpings.

Personally I find the ILs approach really quite painful because to me it seems really gluttonous (dig in and don't think about anyone else) whereas dh thinks that my parents are parsimonious (counting the potatoes).

Really they are just very different approaches to meals, for my family meals are primarily about being together and talking. The food is always delicious and my mother aims for it to be 'just enough' because she hates waste (a long term effect of rationing). For my ILs meals are much more a time to eat and drink (the drinking being the key part really) so there is no incentive to stretch it out and the important thing is that it is seen to be very generous (a totally different response to rationing). At my ILs leaving uneaten food on my plate is great - there's so much food I've not been able to eat it all, whereas for my parents (and me) you finish your plate, so if you've left food it's because you don't like the food (and are so rude you've not eaten it anyway - my mother is a bit of a food nazi)

I think the OP is experiencing a similar clash of cultures, her guests almost certainly don't mean to be rude, but they are behaving in a way that makes the OP very unhappy. However she's not letting them know this because that would probably feel rude to her (although it might be fine if her ILs are making jocular comments to make them back).

If I were her I'd put the vegetables and potatoes on the table, but split so there are serving dishes near both the ILS and the children and serve the meat at the table (if carving) or bring the plates from the kitchen with generous portions of meat for all (as you know the ILs will eat lots and you also know how much your children would like). If the children are small I'd give them servings of everything in the kitchen before you put them out on the table. It doesn't have to be slow if you have the children in a row, serve them and get them to put their plates on the table and then carry through all the dishes for the table.

OP - that's just greedy and you must be a GREAT cook. Wow.

You wanna hear bad table manners - well my mil knocked over her glass of wine on the table and proceeded to lick it off the table. Now that's pretty bad.

Hmm, plating up is a solution but I'm not sure how that teaches children good table manners, ie, to take an appropriate amount, to think of others and to offer helpings before taking our own.

Nooka, I'm sorry but as far as I am concerned counting food is the height of bad manners and to me illustrates enormous greed, ie, more concerned about what others have on their plates rather than what is on yours. My MIL does this and I wish in the early years I had actually said, "I'm sorry but there is always enough food on my table and I will not sit and watch you count it and say there are 24 roast potatoes so that is 4 for everyone"

They obviously eat loads, so you need to make more food than usual.

I think also good idea to fill them up on a starter, including a bread basket AND a really filling soup. Give them each a HUGE portion of soup (am thinking vegetable and bean soup, or minestrone)

Then plate up main course and give yourself and your family enough, knowning that they ILs will eat the seconds. If you plate up the whole lot and there is not seconds, then that doesn't matter, just say, oh sorry there's none of that left.

And then have a desert.

my mil knocked over her glass of wine on the table and proceeded to lick it off the table

HAHAHAHA! That is vile but hilarious.

Onceamai she calculates when she is cooking, not anywhere else! That would be a little strange, although if I am eating a meal at a friends I would do a quick calculation, because if there are say 24 potatoes and six people I would not take more than four because I would be concerned that other people have enough, and however much I like roast potatoes (and I do) I would be mortified if I took so many someone else went without.

Yeah horton - that was after she was telling me how lucky I was to be married into 'her' family with words to the effect that it would up my game. LOL.

I was in stitches - even my dh just looked like he was going to melt into the ground.

Oh she also goes to the loo with the door open at my place and I have to just breeze past and shut it and then she asks me 'why did you do that'.

Ewwww. That's horrible.

Giveitago - mine licks her plate clean and thinks it's funny. Then sniggers about ignorant people like her dappy hairdresser who spend two weeks every summer on a boring beach in the costas, tee hee.

Oh and when she and PIL were having breakfast here one day, many years ago, when I was out - handed my cleaner their dirty plates and told her they had finished and she could clear up after them. Cleaner, who became a dear friend and worked for me for 16 years, refused thereafter ever to come when they were here.

She was deputy head of a failing primary - says it all as far as I am concerned.

I think OP doesn't really like her IL's. No one would write such things about people they like. OP thinks her mil and fil and gluenous pigs, right ?
If someone comes to my house and scoffs all my food, I take it as the bigest compliment.
My mum always prepares beautiful food. Beef-en-croute or home made roulade. But there is never loads.
When she comes to ours , with my step dad, I enjoy feeding him, till he is just about to burst.
I get minted lamb chops from our butcher. they are tiny but so tasty. and I buy a whole try full. I do peas and new potatoies and roasties. And I pile them up on his plate. And he loves it. Then dh makes a huge trifle and I made a baked alaska. My step dads eyes light up with glee. And I give him seonds and thirds.
And when they go. Dh and I laugh and laugh, and how they 'aint never been so well fed'.
Any of our freinds come round, they get the same treastment.
If you can fit out of the front door, top leave, then you haven't eaten enough.
To me thats good entertaining. good food , lots of wine and lots of lafter. laff and laff and laff.
thats what I like when we have people round.

See my mother would find that really upsetting. She always gets bothered at Christmas that people are eating far too much. I think that food touches some fairly primal instincts. I was brought up to always clear my plate, and if you gave me far too much I'd feel obliged to eat it all and then feel very ill. But then I'm the sort of person who prefers to have one chocolate and really enjoy it rather than eat the box and feel ill (dh).

OP they probably genuinely think you have tiny appetites because you dish tiny portions up when there is more food left. Why would you leave your kids and yourself hungry just so there can be seconds? I would just tell the guests that there was none left! It's sounds like they have plenty to eat for firsts anyway!
They might think they are doing you a favour anyway by leaving no food to go to waste and be going home stuffed for all you know!
I think dishing up in the kitchen is the way to go. If you serve up a large portion for everyone your IL's won't be hungry - they don't have to stuff themselves to bursting point at every meal time!

I think those helpings sound HUGE actually.

And I do think it is very rude of anyone to take loads for themselves when it must be quite obvious how far the food has to go.

Definitley plate up in future to make sure you all get adequate and then provide seconds for those who are still hungry.

So plating up is vile? Why thanks for that. We do it because our table and eating area are too small to allow for leaving serving dishes on the tables other than the ones we are using directly.

Yes, I think the helpings sound enormous, too. I have a pretty healthy appetite but would really struggle with that amount of food in one go. I'm very much a grazer, though, rather than eating huge meals. I'm quite surprised by the numbers of people who seem to think two whole chicken breasts per person is a normal amount to eat.

I'm wondering how many if you that think that's a huge amount have younger dc.Because I'm guessing most people with teenage dc especially teenage Boys think that's a normal amount

I would be embarrased if people left here hungry or felt they had to eat first

I once had some US friends over for dinner and had got bit fed up of their well things bigger back at home.So I got the most huge crystal vase that I wad given wgen got married that never made it out the box( would have took about £30 worth of flowers to fill at least)

Then servered them up the biggest knickerbocker glory they ever seen .Used 8 liters if icecream 2 cans of squirty cream ,2 tins of fruit salad ,one sponge cake .and packet of wafers.

It is still a running joke now 6 years later

I have a teenage boy who eats us out of house and home. The OP isn't talking about teenagers, she's talking about two elderly adults. I think the portions are huge btw and I would hope my ds, teenager though he is, would be well mannered regardless of the size of the portion and help himself accordingly.

Erm, why are there 'seconds'

Surely if there's food left in the dishes, you could put that on your and your kids plates and NOT save it for seconds (which you know are only going to be snaffled by the ILs anyway).

Your ILs probably, quite reasonably, assume that if you're leaving food in the dishes, it's because you and your kids didn't want any more, not because you feel some bizarre obligation that there has to be enough for seconds!

Oh I didn't mean vile (re plating up). I just had a touch of the Being An Overreacting Twat On An AIBU Thread syndrome.

What I meant to say is that when you have got people round for dinner I would prefer to put serving dishes on the table and people help themselves.

We eat in the kitchen anyway so is easy enough to plonk a pan on the table for me.

No intention to piss people off and slag off their way of feeding their family.

Having thought about this more, I think you just need to accept that they have huge appetites and you need to cook more. Potatoes are so cheap - why be mean with quantities?

Also its a bit silly to leave anything in the serving dishes if you think you/DH/kids might be hungry afterwards.

My hate is when people pile their plates up and waste it. I wouldn't mind if they ate it.

This reminds me of the time (years ago) my mum invited 2 male students for sunday lunch. My mum always make loads of food but they literally put all of it on their plates (think 7-10 slices of meat each) and didn't leave much for us. Afterwards I asked my mum why she didn't say anything. She said that they obviously didn't have enough money to buy food for themselves so she was happy to feed them but she could make somethimg else for us as soon as they left.

Baracade them in with a circle of giant bowls of peas and mash so they cant reach any thing else with out asking! Think military tactics :o