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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dread in-laws visit due to their table manners?

181 replies

asseenontv · 21/12/2010 16:47

When the ILs come over for a meal they always pile their plates so high with food that there is not enough left for us and I find it really rude and bad mannered.

Their plates are usually about 4 inches deep in food (no kidding) and DH and I share whatever is left between us and the kids. We have tiny portions as a result and the ILs often notice and say 'oh not on a diet again are we?' or similar joke. We leave a small amount in the serving dishes for 'seconds' as well and usually FIL has finished his mound before I have finished my first mouthful and will then share out whatever is left between him and MIL. No chance for us to have seconds at all. AIBU?? I find it so rude. And frankly, disgusting that they stuff their faces whilst their GC go without at the same table!

We've tried over-catering in an attempt to prevent this happening but they subconsciously see it as a challenge and scoff the lot as usual. Serving out their plate for them results in them having many rounds of 'seconds' and again no food for us.
How can we stop this happening when they come round on Christmas Eve ?
(they are not fat, they walk dogs and have hollow legs big appetites but come on!)
Or AIBU?

OP posts:
JaneS · 21/12/2010 17:51

Hmm. Yes, that sounds like masses. But, to my great shame, I would happily eat the same amount at Christmas. Sorry.

My mum loves cooking huge, generous portions of food, and I think tucking in is perfectly ok once a year.

OTOH, it's a bit odd if you're saying they just eat that amount whenever they come, whatever you cook. And the joyless food-is-fuel attitude doesn't sound much fun: doesn't even sound as if they're enjoying it!
Sad

I think it would put me off my food just because it's an unpleasant way to behave in company. Reckon the dishing up is the way to go.

We can't choose family ...

NigellasLoveBuns · 21/12/2010 17:53

Do you ever go to eat at their house? Do you get large portions there?
Perhaps you should invite yourselves for dinner instead of them coming to your house.

GentleOtter · 21/12/2010 17:56

Could you fill them up with a hefty starter like Scotch broth and big slabs of bread?

Force Encourage them to have second helpings.

agedknees · 21/12/2010 17:58

Nigella - think we must do. If we go to a pub lunch and order different food, she will spy something she likes on my plate, and without asking reach over with her fork and nab it.

beanlet · 21/12/2010 17:58

Easy. Plate up. Don't use serving dishes that they can help themselves from.

AliBellandthe40jingles · 21/12/2010 17:59

That is a lot of chicken, but the rest sounds like the amount a hungry person would eat - maybe not every time though!

TheBlessedVirginReality · 21/12/2010 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FakePlasticTrees · 21/12/2010 18:06

agree with others, plate up in kitchen, put DCs food in front of them first so they can at least start (rude, I know, but needs must!) then bring out seconds when everyone's had firsts. And make loads!

Soups · 21/12/2010 18:09

I'd go with plating up, then putting spares out so they can help themselves. What about dinner rolls to make things stretch further?

My MIL serves huuuge meals. Last time she gave me 4 veggie sausages (don't like pork) and an entire chicken breast. 6 large roast pototes and a small mountain of veg. This was for a standard casual early dinner. At home I'd have a couple of slices of roast chicken.

I gave my son one of my sausages beause he'd finsished his. I felt relieved that there was less on my plate but it didn't last long. My MIL spied the events and shoved another chicken breast onto my plate Shock

claig · 21/12/2010 18:09

They're only being polite and showing that they like your cooking. I do the same wherever I am invited.

zipzap · 21/12/2010 18:13

does your dh think they eat more than they used to or did/does he do this too?

Could he have a word with them?

Can you train the kids to say in chorus 'but we can't have seconds until everybody has finished so everybody gets seconds, you'll just have to wait granny/grandad' and 'why are they taking all our food mummy/daddy?'

and you get to say back 'just because they are being rude doesn't mean you have to be' Grin having arranged this with them in advance so they don't pipe up 'but you told us to say so!'...

Also ask them in advance this year - say that you are fed up of not having anything left for you and your family to eat so how much are they actually expecting you to make for them ie 10 roast potatoes, 3 spoons of peas, 3 turkey breasts each etc so that you can make sure you have enough this year as you haven't in the past and whilst you cater on normal portion sizes that are fine whenever you cater for anyone else, they obviously aren't for them... OK so you can make it as nice or as rude as you are feeling towards them at the time - go on, ring them tonight and find out how much they think they want to eat - bet they think they just have a couple of slices of turkey, a couple of roasties and a few veggies Xmas Grin

pawsnclaws · 21/12/2010 18:14

I have certain relatives like this - Christmas catering is seriously expensive.

I didn't so much mind the fact that they demolished a massive Christmas dinner with all the trimmings between them including huge amounts of roast potatoes (and I mean two massive trays between four), Christmas pudding, Christmas cake etc all with various butters, custards and sauces.

But I thought it took the biscuit when I came out to the kitchen an hour later to find two of the relatives had between them eaten an entire 12 pack of crisps!

To put it into perspective, I spent just over £300 on Christmas Eve on Christmas food for four of us plus four guests (two of whom were babies) - and by the end of Boxing Day the cupboards were stripped.

mitochondria · 21/12/2010 18:19

I'm afraid I'm a quick eater though. I wasn't too bad before I had children, then I found the time available to me to eat cut down drastically, and don't seem to get out of the habit.

JingleHell · 21/12/2010 18:22

OP that does sound like a ridiculous amount of food! I'd be tempted to plate everything up in the kitchen and give everyone the same amount, and don't leave anything for seconds. I wouldn't dream of asking for more if I was a guest - you get what you are given and be grateful!

lololizzy · 21/12/2010 18:23

that is a lot!! sounds like a chimps tea party. Can't be fun to watch. Might be 'mildly' better than picky, fussy eaters though?? the kind that push a lonely pea around their plate hoping you won't notice? give them a trough Wink

mitochondria · 21/12/2010 18:24

I find that we don't get huge portions at the in laws, as it happens.

Some people are just greedy!

Pawsnclaws - scavenging crisps in someone else's kitchen is just rude. Did you say anything? I'd be hiding stuff next time they come. Lock it in the shed, it's colder out there than in the fridge at the moment....

ErnestTheBavarian · 21/12/2010 18:25

How are your kids going without, if you´ve served their food and there´s enough left in the serving dishes for 2nds (albeit only for the guests)?

Either plate up in the kitchen, or you dish up for everyone, or you at least serve the kids first so they aren´t going hungry. But seriously, why would you sit there and watch someone pile up their plates to the point there isn´t enough for everyone? You and dh must k now them well enough to say something !

zeno · 21/12/2010 18:25

I think it's very wierd to complain that there is too little left for you and the dc whilst at the same time leaving food in the serving dishes for "seconds".

Different families (and branches of the same family) can have very different eating cultures. I was unknowingly horribly rude when eating with the ILs simply because I didn't know how it was done in their family, and no-one thought to tell me Blush.

Please consider finding a way to talk to them about it rather than feeling annoyed with them for ever.

AliBellandthe40jingles · 21/12/2010 18:25

Jingle - I agree I would never ask for more, but as host I would be mortified to think that anyone was hungry in my house, so consequently I over-cater. And frequently it all gets eaten Grin

Horton · 21/12/2010 18:27

I feel for you, OP. I have this the other way round! MIL plates up in the kitchen and no matter how many times I say 'just a little for me' she will give me a huge portion of meat, six or seven bits of potato, mounds of veg (I don't like carrots and always ask for none but they appear anyway), enormous spoonfuls of stuffing etc etc etc. I just can't eat that much at one sitting. I'd burst. The food she puts on my plate would be enough for two large meals. I feel so rude always leaving lots and she always asks if there was anything wrong with it, and I always say 'no, it was lovely, just too big' but she always gives me enormous quantities.

Agree that in your case, plating up in the kitchen (and making some extra) seems like a good plan.

claig · 21/12/2010 18:28

Think yourself lucky that they don't get through the same amount of alcohol.

EdgarAleNPie · 21/12/2010 18:32

the lage portion thing gets me too,,

eat my plate load..then have a bit of each (enormous) dish..if anything is left it is 'oh, you don't like it then' - very needy...and me sat there holdig my overstuffed body

OTTMummA · 21/12/2010 18:32

good, lord, i AM clinically obese, and i can't manage that in one sitting OP.
i would cook the bird/meat strip it, and put back some in the fridge etc and load the plates up with a decent amount each.
extra potatoes, and veg don't really cost a lot tbh, so i wouldn't mind upping the amount i made of those.
But if anyone takes off my plate without asking first they get a fork in the hand,, no question! how rude.

jafina · 21/12/2010 18:34

We always plate up and serve by age, kids first and then oldies next, keeps the food hot and saves on washing up!

My mother is a nightmare, bolts her food really quickly, pushes her plate into the middle of the table and then lights up a cigarette. (Not at my house, no ciggies inside but she does it at hers). Drives DH and me nuts!!

Horton, your MIL sounds like a right pain, I would just subtly pass any food over to DH while she wasn't looking Wink

My MIL just chirps "ooh only a little for me I can't eat much" while her rather enormous arse sags over the edges of the chair. Hmm

pawsnclaws · 21/12/2010 18:35

Am laughing at chimps tea party, that sounds a bit like my family. My mum is lovely but does tend to inhale her food Smile.

mitochondria these two particular relatives always claim to be starving and eat similar amounts at home, apparently they put a loaf of bread between them through the toaster just for breakfast! I once made the mistake of leaving a tin of Roses on the coffee table, came back in after half an hour and put my hand in to find nothing but wrappers!