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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To dread in-laws visit due to their table manners?

181 replies

asseenontv · 21/12/2010 16:47

When the ILs come over for a meal they always pile their plates so high with food that there is not enough left for us and I find it really rude and bad mannered.

Their plates are usually about 4 inches deep in food (no kidding) and DH and I share whatever is left between us and the kids. We have tiny portions as a result and the ILs often notice and say 'oh not on a diet again are we?' or similar joke. We leave a small amount in the serving dishes for 'seconds' as well and usually FIL has finished his mound before I have finished my first mouthful and will then share out whatever is left between him and MIL. No chance for us to have seconds at all. AIBU?? I find it so rude. And frankly, disgusting that they stuff their faces whilst their GC go without at the same table!

We've tried over-catering in an attempt to prevent this happening but they subconsciously see it as a challenge and scoff the lot as usual. Serving out their plate for them results in them having many rounds of 'seconds' and again no food for us.
How can we stop this happening when they come round on Christmas Eve ?
(they are not fat, they walk dogs and have hollow legs big appetites but come on!)
Or AIBU?

OP posts:

Talker2010 · 21/12/2010 17:16

These people are your GUESTS

expatinscotland · 21/12/2010 17:18

And they are rude guests.

Niecie · 21/12/2010 17:19

Just because they are guests, does that give them the right to be greedy and eat more than their fair share? You don't hang your manners up with your coat on the way into a house if you are a guest.

Talker2010 · 21/12/2010 17:21

First visit they were perhaps rude

Subsequent visits the lack of food was rude

dickiedavismincepies · 21/12/2010 17:22

Bet you anything they comment to each other on the way home on what a lovely evening they've had but isn't it funny how you and DH eat like budgies.....

expatinscotland · 21/12/2010 17:25

tThe OP hasn't decreased the amount of food, in fact increased it.

Talker2010 · 21/12/2010 17:27

The OP knows how much her guests like to eat and she know how much her family like to eat

If she were making that amount plus a bit where would the problem be

llbeanj · 21/12/2010 17:28

but how do they know they are eating too much? op has said that they get seconds, so there is food left after everyone has been served.

expatinscotland · 21/12/2010 17:29

When she makes more food they eat more food, thus leaving less for her and her husband and kids to eat.

That's why most suggested she plate up in the kitchen and do plates with enough food for herself, her husband and the kids so they get enough to eat and let the vacuum cleaners hoover up the rest.

TheFarSide · 21/12/2010 17:30

OP - as someone has mentioned, we need to know how much food you are putting out so we can give you our informed opinions.

I had a friend who used to ration food and I used to feel like a greedy pig when I visited - and I'm not overweight. She once complained to me about her inlaws bringing junk food with them when they visited - from her description of them I expected them to be clinically obese, but when I met them they were just big people with big appetites.

sims2fan · 21/12/2010 17:32

If they mention the fact that you haven't got much, then can't you make it into a bit of a joke? "Well, we would have had more but it seems to have disappeared! Ha ha ha" etc. Obviously you'd need to pitch the tone right, but it might make them stop and think about how they've got loads and therefore you have very little. It's difficult to know really without seeing how much food you actually serve, because I have a relative who puts out miniscule amounts and thinks it's plenty. We're always hungry if we stay there! My husband has a 'healthy' appetite and I always have to remind him before we go to look how much food is in the serving bowl before he takes any otherwise he won't judge it and will just help himself to what he considers a normal portion, which means there's not much left for anyone else. I think really all you can do is plate up rather than use serving dishes, because if you all get a decent amount the first time round then surely it doesn't really matter if you don't get seconds as you will at least have had a decent sized meal to begin with?

Myleetlepony · 21/12/2010 17:34

Plate it up in the kitchen. Put remains in the oven to keep warm. When everyone has finished eating ask if anyone would like seconds. Take the places out and dish the seconds. No need to say anything, no need to reduce food made. If they say anything just say that you decided it would be more straightforward to plate up in the kitchen.

atswimtwolengths · 21/12/2010 17:36

Is there ANY WAY you could photograph their plates for us on Christmas Day? Just slide your phone out of your sleeve and snap it! I'd love to see what you're up against!

Original poster

asseenontv · 21/12/2010 17:37

expat LOL at your post. Classic.
Littlereddragon exactly! that is what I like... long leisurely meals with lots of conversation and wine and chat and seconds eventually...

The ILs are of the no talking whilst at the table, you are there for one purpose only, one-on-the-fork, one-in-the-air, one-in-the-mouth school of eating... it is just very different to my normal way. I will never convert them so will just smile and cook for an army and dish up for them (mostly), with more mountains on standby.

I don't want them to go without. It is just find it incredible that they are oblivious to the situation.... everytime I imagine they will notice and realise but they never do...
Thanks so much for your replies. It all seems so clear now the plan of action.

OP posts:

hairyfairylights · 21/12/2010 17:37

Make extra and plate up in the kitchen rather than At the table.

orangepoo · 21/12/2010 17:39

Put the food on the plates before giving it to them. Don't let them serve themselves.

AliBellandthe40jingles · 21/12/2010 17:39

Yes we need to know how much you are serving.

Whenever we have guests I make whatever would feed DH and I x the number of adult guests and then add about 25% - at least.

Find it weird that people are recommending cooking less food when there already isn't enough to go around.

mitochondria · 21/12/2010 17:40

My FIL does this too. MIL will just home in on one particular aspect of the meal and take all of that (for example have her plate completely swimming in gravy, or nab most of the stuffing). It's just rude and thoughtless, isn't it? When I am a guest I don't help myself to the largest portion of everything.

I make loads, plate up meat/potatoes in kitchen, put veg on table. I keep "seconds" back in kitchen, so he can have more later. But I wouldn't let my children go without.

I have Bisto on standby for the gravy situation.

It doesn't seem to matter how much I make. FIL is determined to "eat everything up". I may challenge him this year, by making 100 roast potatoes.....

Original poster

asseenontv · 21/12/2010 17:42

For the record...

Last meal they had, each,(in total, incl seconds) 2 entire chicken breasts, full cereal bowl-sized portion of mash, fist-sized portion of green beans, same of carrots, same of brocolli, same of cauliflower cheese, 2 yorkshire puddings. Think that was it. But the plate is literally 4 inches high... a bit like people used to do at 'all you can eat' places/get yer moneys worth type of thing...

Is that not a lot then?

OP posts:

mitochondria · 21/12/2010 17:42

Just remembered - FIL used to be a "vegetarian". So I'd cook him something separate. Then he'd finish up any leftover meat! How does that work?

Niecie · 21/12/2010 17:44

Sounds a lot to me. I reckon one portion of that would serve me DH and possibly one of our DSs depending on the size of the chicken breast.

NigellasLoveBuns · 21/12/2010 17:44

Agedknees are you sure we haven't got the
same MIL? She eats with her mouth open
and talks at the same time. Means I get an
extra portion of food. Nice.
All of my ILs push the dirty plates away from
them too. Usually I end up with them in front of me as I
also eat slowly.
Last time we had a meal together MIL took
some naan bread, took a big bite out of it
and then dipped it into my curry.
Donated extra food and saliva. How
appetising.
Why does she not realise that this is not
acceptable?

mitochondria · 21/12/2010 17:45

I wouldn't be able to eat 2 chicken breasts. You wouldn't expect to get 2 if eating out at a normal restaurant either, would you?

Inertia · 21/12/2010 17:46

As others have said, plate up in the kitchen, seconds in the oven until everyone has finished the first plate. Have bread on the table to keep in laws mouths busy after the first plate.

Serve the children's plates first.

Cater for the in laws as if they are 4 people .

Fill in laws plates with high volume food e.g. mash.

Please let us know how you get on - have visions of your fil as some kind of giant rummaging around in the human's kitchen now !

SleighdyBellian · 21/12/2010 17:48

mitochondria not even at a Harvester!

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