to not want a stranger to stay when I have a 7 week old baby

[KiwiKat]

We are having a quiet Christmas at home this year, just me, DH, DS (4.6), our new baby, who will be 7 weeks, and DH's 26 year old niece. Friends across the road will probably pop in for a drink after lunch.

Last year's Christmas was hard work - we hosted friends for Christmas lunch, and one of them invited a friend of his, and her mother visiting from overseas, who sniped at each other throughout the day. DH and I both worked hard, I felt like a waitress, and there wasn't a lot of fun to be had.

Yesterday DN rang to ask if a friend of hers from overseas could join us for Christmas. She is staying on the other side of town, so would need to stay over if she came to us. Whilst I don't mind this girl spending the day with us, I really don't want someone I've never met staying overnight in our two bedroom flat when I have a 7 week old baby. DH thinks it would be fun, says I'm a killjoy and am being uncharitable and selfish. He's being very pouty about it.

Baby DD has been waking at night for feeds every 1 1/2 hours and I have been completely exhausted, although the last two nights she has been sleeping slightly longer. Whilst DH is very helpful with DS, he doesn't help with anything else around the house, hasn't yet changed a nappy, and is a bit scared of holding her, because baby dd seems so small. (He won't admit it, but I'm pretty sure he thinks that HE works all day, and I stay at home and play with the baby. But that's a completely separate issue.) He would cook Christmas dinner, and I will do everything else.

Do I bite the bullet and invite this girl to stay, or stick to my guns re not having her here?

If she cannot stay the night then you shouldn't have her at all. Seems uncharitable to say come for the day and piss off in the evening, how would you expect her to travel? Cabs be a fortune.

If you had more rooms, I'd say go for it, but a 2 bedroom flat is a real squeeze, so I don't think it would be unreasonable to say she's welcome for the day but there's no room at night. Maybe she and your niece could get a taxi together and stay wherever she's staying?

Only the other side of town? Why does she have to stay with you? are there no taxis on christmas day if you book in advance?

If you don't mind her coming during the day, then say that. She can come during the day, but we cannot put her up so before she comes she must have made arrangements to get back to where she's staying by X oclock.

Yanbu

I should have said that the niece is staying the night, and that we are in London, so a cab home would cost her friend a fortune.

YANBU - with a 7 week old baby its everyone else who is BU expecting/asking you to entertain other people.

I'd just say that due to the fact the baby is waking so regularly overnight its not possible for her to stay over, that she is welcome for the day but they won't be able to stay over.

As for your hubby, surely he understands that you are knackered if he's there when the baby wakes up so often. Let him pout, its your Christmas too.

well then it costs her a fortune. Her choice. Come or not, with that condition.

Bottom line - it's you who'll be stuck with all the work, so if you don't want it - then say no and mean it.

Or say to your husband that since it seems to be very important to him that this girl comes, he can do all the work for the day and you will sit back and relax.

And tell him all the things that will need doing.

And that you will NOT be doing them, even if on the day he lets you down they will just stay undone. Those are your terms. He agrees to them or not.

I would stick to your guns if I were you. Above all this is also your first Christmas with your baby and you above anyone else deserves to enjoy it. Its not as if this person can perhaps help with the baby/Christmas to give you a break.

My DH has a habit of inviting people around to stay the night and calls me a killjoy if I object. We have an eight month old and live in a two bedroom terrace. He is not the one who has to clean the house of the smell of baby sick/poo, who makes up the sofa in the lounge or who has to try and get the baby to sleep without disturbing the person sleeping on said sofa. In addition to that, the visit is always accompanied by a drinking session and thus DH is completely useless the following day.

In addition, at this stage with your baby you are probably not at your best and your flat is in chaos. Relax, look after each other and leave the big open-house Christmas for the years to come.

YANBU

i think your niece is for asking and your DH is for not understanding why it is an issue.

is your DH the sort that likes to be master of ceremonies with lots of people there but doesn't actually do any of the graft?

tbh i think DN and DH should be telling you to put your feet up all over xmas and they should be doing all teh running and fetching and cooking and cleaning.

DN should go hang out with her friend on Christmas day.

YANBU.

Tell them both no. It's time they hung out on their own.

It's a no brainer.You don't know her so don't even have her over for a meal let alone stop the night.You need to try to relax,enjoy the rest of your pregnancy,and let your OH do the work.Merry Christmas from the family of Maras x

Err.. how's she going to get to yours on Christmas day? How is DN getting there, come to that? It's a BIG push but do you or DH have a car, could you drive her home? Can you ask your DN if this friend has any other options as it's not ideal?

FWIW, I do not think YABU. If you'd met her in the past, even once, and quite liked her, then maybe. But it's a tall order to have her there for the whole day and night and probably Boxing Day morning too, in a 2 bed flat. How well does your DN know her as well? Is it a good, trusted friend or someone she's only known a few months? If it's a friend from overseas, is it someone she's met backpacking/travelling? Penpal? There is the safety element to consider (yes, I know a bit paranoid but you are entitled to know some background to this stranger). As your DN is only 24 it's the age when anyone you went out on the lash with once is "a good friend" and if she's from overseas, unless your DN knew her for a significant period of time in person, how well does she know this girl? Check it all out in advance.

If you end up saying No, don't feel guilty about it or you might as well have said yes. The friend probably has other options as well as your DN.

Oh and as for your DH, whatever you decide I would definitely take a firm tone about it. If you say No, don't deliberate hours over it or take any nonsense, just say "I've thought about it and I'm not comfortable so the answer's No. Why is a total stranger and friend of DN who we've never met more important than how I feel?"

erm vicdim - why do you make up the bed?

Don't do that. What's wrong with you?

He invites them, he makes up the bloody bed. You are making it hassle free for him to do this to you. That's not very clever now, is it?

seriously. Let the house smell of baby, let him make up the sofa and let that baby make as much noise as s/he wants!

I want to shake you! Talk about doormat. Love, you have got to do something about that. In the nicest possible way, you do.

Thanks for the replies. Yes, the flat is pretty horrendous right now, and I would insist on cleaning it before anyone came around. Dust balls bouncing around, the size of small rabbits ... DH couldn't care less.

Vicdim14, you're quite right - the drinking session is another thing that's been bothering me. DH wants people to party with, and of course I'm not drinking, as I'm breastfeeding, so I'm no fun to party with. I do NOT want a bunch of pissed-up people (well, three, anyway) carrying on when I have a 4 year old, a 7 week old and ME all trying to sleep!!

Am starting to feel a bit firmer in my resolve rather than just being the wicked witch, so thanks for your support and thoughtful replies.

It would be really kind of you to have an stranger extra for Christmas day. Could DN or DH drive her home (as they are so keen on having her)? Staying over is over and above the call of duty. Even if DH makes up beds etc that will just leave you to do catering and juggling toddler/children. Where is your holiday....?

Vicdim14 - snap re DH's! My DH used to do this (still does but only very occasionally now since I got a bit tougher). He never told me when he'd invited someone to use our house to get ready at (for example a work colleage) when they're going on a work night out. This involves people who are not friends, they are colleagues, tramping through our bedroom to use the only working shower (there's a bath elsewhere but none of them want to use a bath of course).

We are also in quite a small house and need to creep round to avoid waking DD. Again, DH does none of the hoovering/making sure there's milk in for cups of tea/cleaning of bathrooms/finding towels suitable for guests/clean bedding/getting the spare duvet out of the wardrobe etc either. God knows why I did it so much in the past because if he didn't care why should I? But you know how it is - you feel strangers judge and I don't want work colleagues seeing my dirty laundry poking out of the basket in the bedroom but DH seems not to mind he says no guy really notices or cares if it's not all perfect.

He is also useless all the next day whilst I run around making breakfasts/trying to creep around with DD. It narks me no end.

I so wish that as a nation, we could all agree on this simple principle.

On Christmas Day, we all stay at home with our family. Not our parents, not our friends, just those people we live with on a day to day basis.

I am sick and tired of alternating between parents on Christmas Day, when all my son wants to do is play with his presents, and all I want to do is drink wine, in my pyjamas, and cook a nice dinner for the three of us.

In the event, he gets dragged away from his presents, to some sundry household who are too old to remember how important christmas is for children, and I we have to eat food that I am arrogant enough to believe I could have cooked better myself ... but never get the fecking chance to prove.

I would like to put forward a motion that sundry fuckers (and that includes our parents), are visited on Boxing Day, or the 27th.

SO NO! YOU ARE NOT BEING IN THE SLIGHTEST, REMOTELY UNREASONABLE. TELL EVERYONE TO BUGGER OFF AND DO THEIR OWN THING.

And everyone else can go fuck themselves.

OP - your DH is yet to change a nappy on your 6 week old baby?? but wants to have friends (a niece and her mate??) to party with at Christmas.

your DH needs to man up and start getting his priorities right!

Ha, just read Hec's post to vicdim! I know I know I know I know I/we shouldn't fall for it but the fact is DH is rubbish and I feel kind of responsible to at least present whoever it is with some basic decent level of hospitality such as a pillow, duvet, bedding, cup of tea etc. I am no doormat either (believe it or not) I'm pretty ass-kicking but DH can't and won't and isn't bothered about doing things like that whereas for me it's like an itch that needs scatching - I can't have someone uncomfortable under my roof, so I end up doing things myself.

or at least I did. DH is a lot more respectful these days.

None of us has a car, so picking up and dropping off is out of the question. (And to be honest, even if I did have one, it would still be out of the question, as I want to be podged on the couch in my jammies, watching mind-numbing telly, munching on unnecessary chocolates, not negotiating snowy streets full of drunk drivers.)

Desiderata, love your style!

Shiningwit, you are absolutely right. And I need to stop letting him get away with it.

and what's with all this tiptoeing around your own houses with a baby so the uninvited guest on the sofa doesn't get woken up???

tough shit - you foist yourself on a household with a small baby, you take being woken by a small squalling person WHO LIVES THERE as a given.

arrrghhhhh. please stop with all the doormat stuff!! sorry - just angry that people get trodden all over by the very people who are supposed to be in partnership with them.

x-post KiwiKat - please get your DH to see that this year at least it's about being a family with your young dcs, not hosting people and staying up late.

if the DN's friend has literally nowhere else to go then you would be kind to have her for the day. but really she should go home that night. and DN can go with her and share the costs of a taxi. and your DH can chip in instead of getting them a present. being cooked christmas dinner should be enough for them!

Off to bed now, thanks for your thoughts.