to not want a stranger to stay when I have a 7 week old baby

[KiwiKat]

We are having a quiet Christmas at home this year, just me, DH, DS (4.6), our new baby, who will be 7 weeks, and DH's 26 year old niece. Friends across the road will probably pop in for a drink after lunch.

Last year's Christmas was hard work - we hosted friends for Christmas lunch, and one of them invited a friend of his, and her mother visiting from overseas, who sniped at each other throughout the day. DH and I both worked hard, I felt like a waitress, and there wasn't a lot of fun to be had.

Yesterday DN rang to ask if a friend of hers from overseas could join us for Christmas. She is staying on the other side of town, so would need to stay over if she came to us. Whilst I don't mind this girl spending the day with us, I really don't want someone I've never met staying overnight in our two bedroom flat when I have a 7 week old baby. DH thinks it would be fun, says I'm a killjoy and am being uncharitable and selfish. He's being very pouty about it.

Baby DD has been waking at night for feeds every 1 1/2 hours and I have been completely exhausted, although the last two nights she has been sleeping slightly longer. Whilst DH is very helpful with DS, he doesn't help with anything else around the house, hasn't yet changed a nappy, and is a bit scared of holding her, because baby dd seems so small. (He won't admit it, but I'm pretty sure he thinks that HE works all day, and I stay at home and play with the baby. But that's a completely separate issue.) He would cook Christmas dinner, and I will do everything else.

Do I bite the bullet and invite this girl to stay, or stick to my guns re not having her here?

[Baublepink]

desiderata we have to visit TWO sets of parents on Christmas day plus DH was toying with fitting a visit into his grandma seperately. Three blardy seperate visits on Christmas day. Yes, we'll spend more time in the car than anywhere else Christmas Day at this rate

This is on top of trying to have some sort of time on Christmas morning to ourselves and watching DD open presents from us etc and every year it gets more and more hurried. I am also PG so whereas I am grateful we don't yet do all the cooking for Christmas Day, it is still a whole heap of sorting/organising/packing of stuff in the car/trying to get away on time/always arriving late and feeling the annoyance of the 2nd set of parents we've landed at for spending too much time at the first. Sigh.

"Sundry fuckers"... I am loving that!

[Blackletterday]

Bollocks to that, especially if she will be kipping on the sofa. If I was getting up in the night to feed a baby I would at least want the option of parking myself on the sofa to watch crap tv, whilst baby fed/fussed. Sitting up in bed for an hour arsing on with a baby listening to dp snoring may have induced some kind of pillow up nose homicide .

Just say no, I didn't enjoy my sister staying when ds2 was small, specially because she expected to be waited on as it "was her holiday" get tae feck.

[Desiderata]

Well Bauble, my darling, you have my sympathies.

Honestly, it's ridiculous, isn't it? We seemed to have moved into an era where the children are not very important. They get herded from one place to another, simply to appease people who are old enough to know better.

Let the old fuckers go to KFC from now on. Personally, I want to watch The Great Escape on the TV, in my nightwear, in the full and honest conviction that it will not kill any one them if they don't see my pretty face on the 25th of December.

After all, they rarely wish to see it on any other day of the year.

[MummieHunnie]

YANBU

Have the niece and friend for lunch, then book them a cab so they can both stay at the friends house for the night so you can relax in the evening, before a long night of interuption again! I bet you will be fuming in years to come when dn, has her baby and she will not do the same for you!

[perfectstorm]

My God, a newborn, a toddler, and you're being asked to house strangers overnight? So your DH who has never changed a nappy can have drinking buddies?

My thoughts are too obscene to post. I'd kill mine for suggesting this, never mind getting pouty. And your 4 year old needs to be spoiled and made to feel like it's his day, surely, given a new baby has arrived and he's just now old enough to really get Xmas? Not have a crabby, tired and resentful mother and a shedload of noise in his home?

Taxis do cost money, but that isn't your problem really, is it. It's a kind gesture to offer an Xmas to a stranger.

[ChippingIn]

MDS - I'm quite the opposite - I would love to stay with a family like that if I was alone overseas, it would be lovely - but only if I was actually wanted - if not I'd rather spend the day alone.



The niece is probably looking forward to Christmas with the family and now her friend is going to be in the UK (presumably alone) she feels like she doesn't want to swan off and leave her on her own, but wants to see her family - so she ASKS if she can bring her along - it's not like she has just turned up with her.

Horses for courses OP - you do what is right for you. I would say she was very welcome to come as long as she understands it's a family christmas, very laid back and likely to be spent eating chocolate and watching crap TV in your jammies and it wont be a late one because of the baby - so if she doesn't mind being woken by the baby through the night she's welcome to a couch. The treat her like another niece. But if you don't want to - then don't, but if you don't I think you should make it clear to your niece that it's OK for her to change her plans and spend the day with her friend if that's what she feels she should do.

[NetworkGuy]

Desiderata - agree the 'stay home with immediate day-to-day family' is the best idea. It would save so much on torn loyalties and anger/envy if there are more visits to/by on set of GPs because of their relative proximity, too.

I suppose I was 'lucky' (sorry, anyone who is a GP) that grandparents were no longer around (I was child #5, my Mum was 38.3 when I was born), so we had a houseful anyway (3 sisters are about 10 years older than me).

o

Can understand niece perhaps thinking 'oh, so sad to be alone Christmas Day' and perhaps her friend would be, but it would probably be as much/more sensible for niece to stay with her friend to share company / food / music / late-night TV/booze if that's possible.

Last time I stayed with one sister, was near 20 years ago, and I've been fortunate to have following ones alone (with my cat as an excuse). Not tied to their schedule, no problems over sleeping late/ TV choice/ not wishing to join their party games or be on best behaviour... Since then I have had no arguments over whether TV or radio is on or off, indeed, no arguments over what to do / not do, and can have pizza with lots of garlic bread if I want!

:)


o

Middle sister now been married over 30 years, finally retired and able to do her own thing. For first 20 years of their son's life, there was always a mix of her spending time with her inlaws (and sometimes our Mum too) but they never had a 'family' Christmas of 'Mum Dad and Son' only. I know she was really, really, happy first time it was possible.

She could wake up knowing there weren't 14 guests to lunch (lower numbers as years went on, as 3 aunts passed away, one by one), or that they were out all day and half the evening, or away in a hotel for several days.


o

Wishing the OP well, hope her DH and niece can see how awkward this may be for her, despite the invite being for friendship/loneliness reasons, no doubt.

[mathanxiety]

So this is the second time round for your DH, as you have a four year old too, and he still gets away with saying the baby is so small blah blah, and hasn't yet changed a nappy???

What a clever DH you have.

Part of what's upsetting you is really that your DH doesn't care about the ever multiplying dust bunnies that are bothering you, doesn't lift a finger around the house or with the baby, while you are feeling so tired and overwhelmed and unappreciated by him (you feel he has the unspoken thought that you do nothing around the house but play with the DCs all day while he 'works').

The whole Christmas thing is really the icing on the cake though. You'll still be left feeling knackered day in and day out with the nagging feeling that your DH hasn't a clue what your life is like and doesn't really care about what you care about. What are you going to do about making him tune in to your life more?

I don't think the niece and her friend want to party with your DH as much as he thinks they want to -- what young woman wants to spend a day boozing with her uncle? They might prefer to have a nice time playing with your DS, and so might the DS. Your DH might not have the partay he thinks he's going to have for Christmas. I like the idea of the friend and niece sharing a taxi to the friend's place when 8 o'clock rolls round. It's just too much to put them up overnight.

Although...
How about saying OK and having the niece and her friend over and somewhere in the middle of the afternoon when the baby needs a nappy change, plant yourself on the sofa and tell him it's his turn. The niece and friend would probably be very unimpressed by a father of two who has yet to learn the fine art of nappy changing.

[KiwiKat]

Morning all - interesting thoughts here again.

I may have presented DH in too harsh a light. No, he doesn't clean, but this morning has made ds and me poached egg on toast and brought me 2 cups of tea whilst I feed baby in bed.

Niece is coming from out of town and will be sleeping on the couch, which she has done many times before. She's a lovely girl, pitches in around the place, plays with ds who adores her, and is also great mates with DH - so a festive drinking session is quite likely.

Her friend would sleep on the other couch, is probably a lovely girl and most likely would be no trouble but the issue is I just don't want someone (other than family) in my house once the feeding frenzy is over.

Whilst I do feel that perhaps I'm being curmudgeonly, I am going to stick to my guns. !!!

[MangoTango]

After the Christmas you had last year and with a 7 week old baby, i would either be expecting someone to invite me for Xmas lunch and wait on me hand and foot, or i would batten down the hatches and have xmas day with immediate family only. YANBU

[amistillsexy]

I can't believe how many people I know who are suddenly being burdened with requests to add extra people to their Christmas Day celebrations! What is it with theses people? Has it come as a shock that Christmas Day is a week away?
Did they make a long list of people they'd like to spend the day with back in November and now they're reaching the bottom of the list, having been rejected by their first choices?
Why would anyone in this position leave it so late to make arrangements?
Why can't all these single people get together and make their own Christmas in their own homes? I simply don't understand the sudden need/desire to spend the day and night cluttering up another person's family life when you've chosen not to have a family life yourself!
If these girls really want to make this a Christmas to remember, point them in the direction of this website


And Breathe.....

[pippitysqueakity]

ami, the life you end up with is not always a choice. Maybe the niece offered, not friend requested?
Having said that, think Kiwi is totally right to say no, and not curmudgeonly (great word) at all!

[Dlamis]

Am liking Desiderata's attitude.

[tholeon]

your house, your decision. YANBU.

and your DH should be changing some nappies, and really not thinking that, with a newborn and a toddler, you are having an easy time of it!

[Numberfour]

YADefNBU

[QuintMissesChristmasesPast]

Stick to your guns.

Especially because what is wrong with this mate who has NOBODY that wants her around for Christmas?

[walkinginaWUKTERwonderland]

She's from abroad QS, and doesn't know many people in London.
Don't do it OP. Your DH should be concentrating on being a good husband to you, not dispensing largesse to 20 somethings.

[QuintMissesChristmasesPast]

So you think there is a change that niece really wants to spend the day with her mate and the reason she is asked is to get a chance to say "oh, I really cannot leave my friend alone at Christmas, so think I will stay home with her"?

[cerealqueen]

Hmmm, who will be sorting out all the stuff for your guests, bedding etc? making the feel welcome, have snacks, drinks? I bet it will be you. I wouldn't have had guests on a normal day, let alone Christmas day. You should be cosying up the three of you and not having the bother of guests!

[new2cm]

YANBU.

You have a 7 week-old baby to look after and take care of, for heaven's sakes. You cannot be expected to play host.

I agree with ShiningWit.

[NetworkGuy]

I've had a slightly different thought, pippitysqueakity - since DH gets on fine with nniece, perhaps niece said she needed to do something about who would be alone.

Maybe the OP can clarify - is it likely DH said "Oh, invite her too, she can stay the night, no problem" ?

(Perhaps not thinking any further than it being Christmas, and not thinking about OP's views, or that OP would want to clean if stranger was visiting, yet hardly likely to have time with DC, and baby to care for)

[catinthehat2]

I'll just put in an early warning as well in case a car is involved.

OP you ARE breastfeeding
you ARE off the drink
DH WILL BE unfit to drive
you ARE therefore default taxidriver - late at night, icy weather possible, driving on your owwn on the way back

just say NO before it gets to that point

[MummyEms]

The only way I would say YES is if between the 3 of them...DH, DN and friend they cooked you a superb Christmas lunch AND cleared up afterwards.

xxx

[onceamai]

The point that has been missed I think is that DN is presumably the daughter of either your brother or your sister. They are her parents so why can't DN go to them with her friend? Alternatively, what are all your parents doing. Really don't understand why DN has to park herself with an auntie who has a four year old and a 6 week old in a two bedroom flat which is barely big enough for the family unit.