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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with MIL telling me to send 'thank you' cards...

162 replies

CuddlyNemesis · 15/12/2010 13:19

DD is nearly 2 and whenever anyone from MIL's side of the family gives her a small gift/money as a present, in spite of me thanking them in person for it at the time, she tells me later I must send them a 'thank you' card as well.

I'm 40 FFS! It wouldn't be so bad if she gently suggested it (although I think a verbal 'thank you' for a small gift should be enough?) but she tells me to send one like I'm a child, which is what is really pissing me off! Xmas Angry

I know it'll happen again in the next couple of weeks... Obviously, 'thank you' cards were sent to everyone who gave us something before and after DD was born, but this is getting silly! I'm not being ungrateful - I do thank everyone at the time!

GRRRRR! Grin

OP posts:
LaWeaselMys · 15/12/2010 16:33

Ooh, I have just realised that DD can actually say 'thank you' now, and we see most people at Christmas. That will cut done the Christmas Thank You card list considerably!

Acinonyx · 15/12/2010 19:05

I do personalised thank you cards for dd for gifts, whether given in person or not - if they were not opened in front of the giver. I am totally hopeless wrt to doing it for myself though - just hoping she might have better manners than me. Most people we know seem to send them. But then, I have been known to browse a national trust gift shop too Blush

panettoinydog · 15/12/2010 19:15

urrrgh @ thank you cards.

Pain in teh arse.

If people are miffed at not getting a written thank you, I honestly do not mind at all if they stop sending presents to my children.

begonyabampot · 15/12/2010 20:45

i'd rather not receive a gift from someone if they are going to hold it against me for not sending what they think is the acceptable form of thanks. All this thank you card malarky is for the person writing the cards (lots of people seem to really get off on this kind of thing) as they can then feel superior to others who don't have such high standards of manners and gives them a good excuse to bitch about their 'friends'.

2rebecca · 15/12/2010 20:57

I say thank you for gifts and encourage my kids to do the same.
I either say thank you in person when receiving the gift, OR on the phone OR write a letter OR send an email.
1 thank you should be enough. I would tell anyone who asks this is my policy. If they don't like it they don't have to send me a present and that will give me an idea of the sort of person they are.
Some women get their knickers in a ridiculous twist re only handwritten thank yous are acceptable, usually by the woman of the house.
Prefeminist crap. We should all be hand washing our clothes and cooking on an open fire as well. Let's make all jobs as time consuming as possible.

zapostrophe · 15/12/2010 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

2rebecca · 15/12/2010 21:04

But the op has already said thank you for the gift in person. Why isn't a verbal thank you enough? Why is the written word considered superior?

fluffyguineapigs · 15/12/2010 21:51

I hate thank you cards...both receiving and sending. I was dragged up to always write as full notes as possible, never just a simple thank you and to include the boring minutiae of my life e.g.

'Thank you very much for my gift.[ A full paragraph of gushing thanks ] My life is pretty wonderful. I love school. katy got a cat and my sister picked a scab. it bled. I hope you are well and take care of your gout' Arrrghhhhhh

I did do thank you cards for my wedding in adult life but I loathe them even more after my ds was born. I had severe post natal depression and ended up in a mother and baby unit with my son.

My mother deigned to visit me in hospital and came, not with things that may have helped me feel better like trashy magazines or chocolate, but an armful of thank you cards and announced; "As have so much time on your hands it would be a really good idea to get on with those thank you cards".

I never wrote them and figured that if people got offended because I hadn't bothered to send a hand written note thanking them for their babygro while I was trying to work out how to breastfeed, bond with my son and stopping myself from suicide, they just weren't bothering about.

SparklyJules · 15/12/2010 22:03

My mother gets hysterical over thank you cards. She will hound me by phone until I cave in and end up sending them. I feel like a wretched child whilst I write them (on behalf of dc). Ditto Christmas cards, which I am not sending this year. No doubt I'll get an earful about this too.

But my mother is the sort of person who sends a card because it's Tuesday.

angel1976 · 15/12/2010 22:13

I just ranted to my DH 'I am so f**king sick of thank you cards. Why does your mum always get on MY case about thank you cards? You write them next time!'

And he just looked at me all weird as we were sitting here quietly one moment and next minute I am kicking off for no reason. Thanks Mumsnet! Xmas Blush

And yes, we got thank you cards as part of our 'tree' presents last year!

onceamai · 15/12/2010 22:28

My MIL has never told me I should send a thank you card - she would never have to.

Have never received a thank you card from the SILs or their children - once received a message via MIL that SIL one would have preferred the outfit sent to her ds to have been pure cotton and if I sent anything else could I make sure it was natural fibre. Do I still send presents to the SILS or their dc - nah Xmas Angry. They never thanked me and never reciprocated. Should the MIL have brought them up better?

TheSmallClanger · 15/12/2010 22:53

DD's great-great Auntie always sends her a £10 Waterstones voucher. I know that Auntie is quite lonely, so I always telephone her to allow DD to say thankyou, and to have a chat, as I said before.
I think that's more "human" than a cliched thankyou card, even though Auntie is from the generation that did send cards for everything.

Campanology · 15/12/2010 23:43

OP, YANBU.

I do send thank you notes (rarely cards) and force encourage my son to do the same, now that he's old enough to write them.

In my experience, it's not the Hyacinth Buckets of this world who set the greatest store by thank you notes, but the smart folk.

aurynne · 16/12/2010 03:24

Why do people always blame the mother when they don't receive a thank you card from the children? Don't the children have an equally responsible, equally literate, father?

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 16/12/2010 06:25

I know I've already said it Grin but it really is important to the older generation.

We don't have to agree with it, or even understand why it matters to them!

We just need to understand that it does.

And do it.

It is a little something that makes someone happy. Is it really a big deal?

Let's be frank. The people who are most bothered about thank you cards will be dead soon and then none of you who hate it so much will have to bother. I think it would give you a much better feeling after the people you love have gone, to remember the little ways you made them happy.

begonyabampot · 16/12/2010 09:25

the older generation in my family never bothered with think you cards - don't think it's necessarily an age thing, but we were peasants and for my parents Thank you cards probably weren't their priority.

mollymax · 16/12/2010 09:32

My children all send Thankyou cards, often a drawing or a handmade card.
I think it is good manners and shows appreciation.
Even if we have seen the gift giver, we send them.

2rebecca · 16/12/2010 20:05

Have a gold star.

mrsnich84 · 16/12/2010 20:27

My MIL is an advocate of the dreaded thank you cards - on my wedding day I was forced to sit for an hour in her room while she recorded who sent us what and told me to send the cards the day we returned from honeymoon. But then the woman does also own - and uses frequently, i might add - a hostess trolley.... enough said!

Abr1de · 16/12/2010 20:29

'I get seriously annoyed when people write me thank you cards.

Email is my first preference, a telephone call second (a long way second, btw).'

Er, why?

Abr1de · 16/12/2010 20:31

Sorry, that was a question to Bonsoir. Why are you so keen on emails?

Rowgtfc72 · 16/12/2010 20:41

I help my dd make thank you cards after birthdays and Christmas.I dont think it hurts just to put a bit of effort into thanking someone who put a bit of effort into buying the gift in the first place,however, thats my choice,you might do things differently.And grandparents love it.Im common as muck by the way and havent been inside a National Trust shop since my student days when membership was cheap.

mollymax · 18/12/2010 12:42

If that gold star was for me Rebecca. thank you. I will stick it onto the Christmas Thankyou cards my children will be writing!!

newspap · 18/12/2010 15:01

OMG, Im so glad I read this thread. My MIL has done this to me for years....with my eldest 2 (her grandchildren, my stepchildren - that i have raised and washed their socks, done homework, treated as my own since they were 3 and 5, now 20 and 22) she would get them round to hers and ask them to write them there. She has never dared to suggest this with my own daughter, aged 11...she has this way of making me feel that the way we do things is just not good enough. She is my husbands ex's mum...his family are really easy going and couldn't care less, in fact they would think it a bit weird if we did send TY cards!!! My side arent bothered either. She has loads of good points so I try to overlook this one, but I know its going to irritate me for a few years to come. Ah well, so Im not alone then.

independiente · 18/12/2010 15:23

If I think the person would prefer a thank you card, I'll send one. If I know I'm not going to be able to say thanks in person and they're not email savvy, ditto.
I'm happy to receive thanks in whatever form.
YANBU to get annoyed at constant reminding.