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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with MIL telling me to send 'thank you' cards...

162 replies

CuddlyNemesis · 15/12/2010 13:19

DD is nearly 2 and whenever anyone from MIL's side of the family gives her a small gift/money as a present, in spite of me thanking them in person for it at the time, she tells me later I must send them a 'thank you' card as well.

I'm 40 FFS! It wouldn't be so bad if she gently suggested it (although I think a verbal 'thank you' for a small gift should be enough?) but she tells me to send one like I'm a child, which is what is really pissing me off! Xmas Angry

I know it'll happen again in the next couple of weeks... Obviously, 'thank you' cards were sent to everyone who gave us something before and after DD was born, but this is getting silly! I'm not being ungrateful - I do thank everyone at the time!

GRRRRR! Grin

OP posts:
tearinghairout · 15/12/2010 15:19

I do feel quite strongly about thanking people for things they've bothered to buy you. If I have taken the time/money to get someone a present I expect to be thanked for it, by email, telephone or card, not fussed which.

However, your MIL is going OTT if she expects you to write cards when you've already thanked the giver in person. Tell her it's not necessary!

I bought presents for my SIL's fiance's children last year, and handed them over to my SIL. She thanked me, but I didn't see the children open them and neither did she. I had no feedback about whether they liked them, or any thanks from the children or their parents. So they won't be getting any presents from me this year.

TheSmallClanger · 15/12/2010 15:21

I prefer a call. Saying thankyou for a gift is a nice excuse to have a chat with an old friend or relative.

LeQueen · 15/12/2010 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 15/12/2010 15:24

I think it's a generational thing.

Older people do think it is very important to send (and receive) thank you cards.

Because it used to be.

So I think that it is nice to send them to those people who you know would be pleased to receive them, and thank in person or text those who are fine with that.

I don't think it hurts to do something that the person who gave the gift will appreciate.

anonymosity · 15/12/2010 15:24

My MIL if she sends the children (too young to write) anything at all, she puts her address inside the package at least three times: on the package, on the internal wrapping paper and on a card (with nothing else written on it) as a not so subtle hint she wants a thank you letter from them. Because we are overseas we immediately email her to let her know its arrived, thank her on behalf of the non-writing children and will often send photos of the children playing with the gift.

Iwasthefourthwiseman · 15/12/2010 15:25

God, I am so relieved to read this thread! I hate writing thank you cards too. Text, email or phonecall is fine.

I'm not doing Christmas cards this year either.

Makinglists · 15/12/2010 15:26

My MIL is the same - we always do cards/letters if we can't thank someone face to face - however when Ds2 was born six weeks ago MIL/FIL kept nagging almost from day 1 for us to do cards/letters to their family/friends. Of course we were going to do thank you letters but with a new baby a 4 yr old and the total exhaustion (together with the discomfort of a c-section) it wasn't top of the list (basics like eating/sleeping/washing were) - we did do cards but her nagging only made us slower!! So annoyed by in-laws we are 40/41 yr old grown-ups(well I think!!) we do not need nagging like 6 yr olds!! - vent over

homeagainhomeagain · 15/12/2010 15:29

My mil hands me a gift for the dcs from people then hands me the thank you card to write out there and then! The last time she stood over me writing it, addressed ad posted the card for me. Apparently I take too long to write thank-you cards.

I personally think life is too short and think a thank-you in person or on the phone is much nicer.

She won't see us until New Year and will be fit to explode in that she can't oversee the writing of the thank-you notes.

Original poster
CuddlyNemesis · 15/12/2010 15:29

I think the final straw for me came on LO's birthday when MIL's sister handed me a card for her with a cheque for £5 in it. I thanked her verbally when she gave it to me. MIL asked me the next day whether I'd already sent a 'thank you' card to her for the cheque or if I'd be sending one in the next day or so... [hmm ]

OP posts:
BearCrimble · 15/12/2010 15:34

You don't have to send thank-you cards/letters to people who have given the gift in person. Only to those who you haven't seen (and only if they aren't online).

NinkyNonker · 15/12/2010 15:37

I think holly summed it up best, I send them to those who would like to receive them.

donkeyderby · 15/12/2010 15:38

PLEASE let us make a pact. When our parents generation die out, can we please bury this custom with them? I make sure my young nieces do NOT send me thank you cards. Reading them, you get the sense of teeth being pulled out as they drag up tedious details of their lives that they don't really give a shit about.

My godmother used to send me thank you cards as a christmas present. THAT is bad manners

MerrilyDefective · 15/12/2010 15:38

I agree with HecTheHalls.
Fwiw...DCs always wrote their own thank you letters...not me.
Although i did help when they were small.
Hints of what to say etc.
All my old Aunties and Uncles loved getting them.
Those that are left still do.

anonymosity · 15/12/2010 15:38

homeagain that is hilarious. Why don't you hand it back to her and tell her to write it herself - its as good as.

MsSparkle · 15/12/2010 15:40

I have been to a few weddings where i have given them the card (or put it in the "card" box) with the voucher inside that everyone was told they wanted, then not heard anything from them. I think on the day they were obviously preocupied, but no thank you afterwards at all.

egopostulosomnus · 15/12/2010 15:41

oh for me it is the hypocracy of it all! my mil is so head-explodingly annoying over this.
i think a verbal thank you, in person, is adequate, in fact quite nice, id rather spend time with people than only have written contact, anyway, my dcs didnt ALSO send her a letter and so she refused to acknowledge their birthdays since, we have continued to send her gifts for which we have never ever received a thank you, not in person, even when handed to her, or by phone or letter. do we care? not a bit, it doesnt matter, what does matter though is that she has such blo0dy awful double standards.

i suggested to DH we send her a present fit for a queen this yearan asp in a basket- but sadly there is no enterprising online home delivery service for this so it will have to be food in a basket instead pah!

MerrilyDefective · 15/12/2010 15:42

Do you think you'd have heard back from them if you'd 'forgotten' to put the voucher in it?.
Taking bets Xmas Grin

craftynclothy · 15/12/2010 15:44

I will admit I bloody hate thank you cards. I send one, which is to a friend of my mum who we never see but always sends some money for the kids at Xmas. Everyone else gets thanked when we phone them (we try to phone everyone on Xmas day).

Besides the fact I can't be arsed hate writing them, there was the post wedding incident. We wrote thank you cards for all our gifts (there were quite a lot) on thank you cards that matched the invites (small-ish cards). One was to a friend on MIL. MIL then refused to give us her address. Then MIL visited and moaned that hadn't sent one Hmm. Then she insisted that she'd deliver it. When she got home she called to say she didn't like what we'd wrote and there was no way she was going to give that to her friend and we should write a nice, long letter instead Shock. Needless to say said person is still waiting for a thank you and we were married in 2004 Grin

MsSparkle · 15/12/2010 15:48

Although i do agree with you op on this one because i don't think it's anyones place to ask you whether or not you have sent a thank you.

I had my step mil phone me the otherday to ask if her friend (who had sent us a gift card for our wedding) had been sent a thank you card. They hadn't been invited to the wedding because dh and i didn't want to invite a load of fil and step mils friends that we didn't know, but that's another thread.

Anyway, i told her that i had sent her friend one and wanted to say piss off and she said because so and so and so and so [insert step mils friends names here] had recieved theirs but she hadn't. Which means it had been discussed between step mil and her friendAngry

I just said it must be in the post because the post is slow at the moment due to Christmas. I put the phone down and thought the cheek of it! It was none of step mils business.

SeaTrek · 15/12/2010 15:54

I think a 'thank you' at the time for a small gift is more than sufficient (if the gift was opened at the time). It is bordering on the ridiculous to send a formal thank you letter (from a two year old!) in addition to that.

I am, however, quite pedantic about thankyou notes in general. I insist that my son (and before he could write - myself) write a thankyou letter within one week his birthday/christmas and mentions the gift specifically and makes some attempt at another topic, too. I don't consider it enough to simply say 'thank you' at his party for a wrapped gift as it is given to him. I do, however, consider it enough to say thank you verbally for a gift that he has opened at the time (would never happen at a party but would if ILs came to our house etc).

LaWeaselMys · 15/12/2010 16:03

I don't care how people thank me, in person at the time, text, email, card.

But it really racks me off when you are presented with a gift list for a wedding, have to buy something you would rather not buy for them and then get no acknowledgment at all. Lazy and rude IMO.

Being reminded to do it by your MIL is pretty rude too!

fluffygal · 15/12/2010 16:13

My sister hacked me off when she asked me if I had sent my thank yous after my wedding. I was in the process of ordering them, yes it was a few weeks late but my laptop was broken, I was working full time, with four kids under 4, 6 months pregnant and barely had time to poo let alone write thank yous! She got a blunt email back stating all the above!!

I always wondered what was expected with thank you cards, some of my friends do it (my uptight sister does), some don't. I have bought some thinking I would start being one of those organised prissy people and start sending them but have yet to do so.

FortunateHamster · 15/12/2010 16:15

YANBU

I have done/will send out cards or text/emails (depending on the giver) when I don't see them in person to say thanks, but when you do see them I really don't get the point at all except for it being an old and annoying tradition.

As a child I was made to send thank you cards to one aunt and my grandma every Christmas/birthday/whatever. Now of course I didn't mind thanking them but I did in person every time I saw them! I even understand that my gran just liked getting a letter, but what really rankled was that my younger brother NEVER had to do them. Because I was two years older (and a girl), I had to do them every single year from the both of us. Recently I asked my parents why and they just said 'he never would've done it' - but that's rubbish, it always took me weeks and a lot of manipulation to do them too. It was because I was the girl.

My aunt still gets snotty with my mum when I am late writing thank yous now and I'm in my 30s. Have I ever had a thank you from her? No.

/not at all bitter and twisted ;)

Dartsonwednesdays · 15/12/2010 16:27

Thank you notes are not required under proper etiquette if the giver of a gift has been thanked in person.

See here

pommedeterre · 15/12/2010 16:29

I do texts normally but after dd was born I did thank you cards for every gift. other than that the only people that get thank you cards are dd's great grandparents when they send presents to her or us. It makes their day a bit brighter as tbh they lead quite solitary old people lives as are both now alone.
Noone else needs another card in their lives so don't get one.

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