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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with MIL telling me to send 'thank you' cards...

162 replies

CuddlyNemesis · 15/12/2010 13:19

DD is nearly 2 and whenever anyone from MIL's side of the family gives her a small gift/money as a present, in spite of me thanking them in person for it at the time, she tells me later I must send them a 'thank you' card as well.

I'm 40 FFS! It wouldn't be so bad if she gently suggested it (although I think a verbal 'thank you' for a small gift should be enough?) but she tells me to send one like I'm a child, which is what is really pissing me off! Xmas Angry

I know it'll happen again in the next couple of weeks... Obviously, 'thank you' cards were sent to everyone who gave us something before and after DD was born, but this is getting silly! I'm not being ungrateful - I do thank everyone at the time!

GRRRRR! Grin

OP posts:
LeMarron · 15/12/2010 14:03

I hate writing thank you cards, because they always seem to fall to me, the woman to write them. Post our wedding I got some snarly comments from members of DH's family abou how I had not (yet) sent thank you cards. Silly me was labouring under the idea that I would send half and he could send half.

I have put my foot down on Xmas cards though. DH has to write half, no matter what. No I am NOT doing them all this year, No, YOU have to write to your bloody family, Oh for fuck's sake find me a pen.

OP, YANBU.

socialhandgrenade · 15/12/2010 14:03

YANBU. When you've said thank you in person there really is no need. Does your MIL send you thank you cards?

MerrilyDefective · 15/12/2010 14:07

Emails are fine imo.
But lots of people still don't have computers especially older people/relatives who send presents.
My Mum's generation do appreciate a card/letter from children.

Have never even heard of William Morris notelets.
[sad,aspirational middle class woman]Xmas Hmm

MsSparkle · 15/12/2010 14:08

I send thank you cards and I am by no means middleclass. I started when dd was born and have just carried on doing it. I don't care if others do it or not and wouldn't judge either way.

I do think it is a load of bull though when people go on about what a busy life they have and how they don't have the time, yet they have time in their busy life to mn. . .

PaisleyLeaf · 15/12/2010 14:12

I like receiving them too. Unicorn stickers, handprints, glitter and all.

LeQueen · 15/12/2010 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FunnysInTheGarden · 15/12/2010 14:14

god, Thank You cards. The bane of my life. They cause so many problems. Have vowed never to send another, esp when someone trys to guilt trip me into it. The point of giving a gift is not to receive a Thank You card. If you think it is, an are offended by the lack of TYC's then don't give the gift in the first place.

YANBU BTW!

blowninonabreeze · 15/12/2010 14:14

My DC get thank you cards in their stockings Blush

I'm actually a little surprised at how many of you don't send them ..... we've recieved them after about 80% of recent partys etc that the DDs have been to.

MsSparkle · 15/12/2010 14:17

Then just say I can not be bothered/think they a naff/don't want to do them or would rather spend the time mning. But don't. Spout about how you don't have the time. . . On mn!

Ephiny · 15/12/2010 14:18

I don't send cards, will say thank you by email or phone if I don't see the person, but if they handed me the present and I said thank you face to face, then I don't see the need.

Don't like it when you send a present to someone and just don't hear anything though, not even to say they received it, it's definitely appropriate to acknowledge the gift and say thank you in some form!

fruitful · 15/12/2010 14:26

OP, some options next time your MIL says it to you:

"Shock That sounded very rude! You seem to think I don't know how to behave! Did you mean to be rude?"

Or

"Really? You really think Thankyou cards are so important? Why didn't you teach your son to send them, then? I would have thought teaching your children to send thankyou cards would have been important to you, but you don't seem to have done it. Why not, I wonder? Do tell. No really, I want to know. Why didn't you teach him? Didn't you think it mattered when he was little? Why did you change your mind? Oh you did teach him? But he doesn't send them now, you didn't teach him very well did you. What went wrong I wonder?"

Or

"Oh no, so bad for the environment. Don't you care about your grandchildren's future on this planet at all?"

Pixieonthemoor · 15/12/2010 14:27

I always send thank you cards although find them tedious in the extreme to write. However, the main point the OP was making was that her MIL felt she had the right to tell her to send them. This is obviously going to continue to rile so either get your DH to tell his mother that it is downright rude of her to chivvy you about this as you always do it or, perhaps more effectively, I am afraid you will have to lose your rag a bit. A loud declaration of "just how badly do you think I have been brought up?? I ALWAYS write them and it really annoys me that you think you always have to tell me". That should do it.

BrianAndHisBalls · 15/12/2010 14:29
CaptainNancy · 15/12/2010 14:30

MsSparkle- hope the big day went well!

MsSparkle · 15/12/2010 14:30

A couple of years ago I sent a voucher to my cousin. It was the first year of knowing her because we only got back in contact with that side of the family that year.

After her birthday, I was on the phone my aunt and casually asked if my cousin had got the voucher. My aunt asked and I just heard a yes in the background. No thank you from anyone.

So I haven't bothered since.

Original poster
CuddlyNemesis · 15/12/2010 14:32

Fruitful, I've been pushed enough to go for the second option! Xmas Grin

OP posts:
MsSparkle · 15/12/2010 14:33

Yeah it was lovely captain nancy

JaceyBee · 15/12/2010 14:35

God YA so NBU.

I just don't get the point of thank you cards. As long as one acknowledges ones thanks in some way that is fine. I think it must hark back to the days when women had bugger all to do except sit in the drawing room writing letters to eachother while the staff took care of the kids/house. So possibly aspirational in that sense, yes.

I love winding my mum up about not writing them! She will nag me to send them on the kids behalf to grannies/aunties/cousins etc, I think it makes her squirm at my uncouthness when I refuse. I FUCKING SAID THANK YOU ALREADY. Jeez.

GetOrfMoiLand · 15/12/2010 14:37

People who send thank you cards are also the kind of people who frequent national Trust gift shops.

Doobies · 15/12/2010 14:37

Yasoooooonbu. My mil does this too....

begonyabampot · 15/12/2010 14:39

hate Thank You cards - we never did it as a family. There are quite a few on Mn who judge you on whether you do or not, i'm surprised they haven't all made an appearance yet!

NinkyNonker · 15/12/2010 14:40

I will always send a note if haven't seen the person,that's just polite. Or is life too short for politeness now? I never receive any but don't care.

Hulababy · 15/12/2010 14:40

I still have DD send thank you letters for gifts, even if she has seen them in person. She does it after Chrostmas and birthdays.

For Christmas this year we ahve had some preprinted card done - one side is 12 photos, showing DD in each month during 2010. The other side is blank (and had them printed on writeable card) for DD to write a short message.

I think it is a nice think to do. It doesn't take very long once you get started, and older people in particulalr appreciate it.

BTW - not sure I have ever been in a National Trust shop though :)

SummerRain · 15/12/2010 14:42

My mother used to try and guilt me into sending thank you cards to people until i pointed out that none of the people she wanted me to send them to had ever sent/made their children send a thank you card.

I thank people in person, by text or by email and i expect my children to be polite and thank people in person or over the phone but I have enough to be doing without wasting time and money on thank you cards.

Hulababy · 15/12/2010 14:43

GOML - did them as children too IIRR and we were def NOT middle class.