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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overnight stays

32 replies

BringOnTheGoat · 14/12/2010 21:22

H left wednesday to move in with OW - let me know by text and switched off phone for 5 days. He called today to say he wants our DD - 13 months old - to go for overnight visits.

I have said no - reasons:
they have only just started a relationship and I am loathe to let DD form an attachment to another adult before they have a settled relationship;
I am loathe for DD to forem an attachment to another adult full-stop this early in her little life;
H has had alcohol, depression & drug issues;
DD is very young to be in a new environment overnight without mummy.

AIBU?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 14/12/2010 21:23

Yanbu

FairiesWearSnowBoots · 14/12/2010 21:23

yanbu

BooBooGlass · 14/12/2010 21:24

Not unreasonable at all, and wtf is the other woman playing at to want to play happy families with your husband and child? Tell them to fuck off

Original poster
BringOnTheGoat · 14/12/2010 21:24

H says IABU as he's not a bad dad and he doesn't think it would stress DD!

OP posts:
ballstoit · 14/12/2010 21:24

YANBU. If he still has alcohol or drug issues I'd be expecting supervised contact.

verytellytubby · 14/12/2010 21:25

YANBU.

Original poster
BringOnTheGoat · 14/12/2010 21:26

She is work colleague - been playing the long game - emotional affair, listening to all his 'woe is me' about his awful wife! Has 2 older ones of her own.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 14/12/2010 21:26

A good dad doesn't switch his phone off for 5 days
He has drug and alcohol issues
Your dd needs stability - she is very young

jumpyjack · 14/12/2010 21:27

YANBU but you might need legal advice to enforce it and to confirm what ongoing contact he can have, where and when.

tomhardyismydh · 14/12/2010 21:28

yanbu and I feel for you very much. must be a very painfull situation, how are you coping?

have you talked with H to discuss contact, finances, house etc as these are the conversations you need to be having just now.

Obviously you should not prevent contact but at the moment from what you say supervised contact would be very sensible and NOT unreasonable due to his depression and substance abuse.

you can supervise for the time being and then maybe consider contact centre if you feel its neccesary or another trusted relative.

magicmummy1 · 14/12/2010 21:28

yanbu

If he was a half-way decent dad, he might have stayed to discuss access to your dd before buggering off with OW and letting you know by text. Arsehole!

MadamDeathstare · 14/12/2010 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flisspaps · 14/12/2010 21:29

YANBU. Have you spoken to a solicitor?

TheCrackFox · 14/12/2010 21:30

YANBU

The drug and alcohol issues would be a deal breaker for me.

lukewarmcupofmulledwine · 14/12/2010 21:31

yanbu, and if your H was thinking as a responsible parent he would see that. Can you try to formalise current arrangements legally, so he can't continue to pressure you, and agree a review date when it might be considered?

racetobed · 14/12/2010 21:31

YANBU. Legal advice, immediately.
He sounds such an arse - I'd be tempted to move 500 miles away.

Poor you.

ShanahansRevenge · 14/12/2010 21:32

YANBU...drugs and alcohol aside your DD needs to get to know the OW before she goes there....

Original poster
BringOnTheGoat · 14/12/2010 21:32

I'm coping - thanks.

Is 2nd time so not new ground. He left me at beginning of year when I had PND, started a thing with OW, realised BIG mistake, had breakdown, cam home (the abridged version you understand) BUT, unbeknown to me, continued EA with OW.

We are going to discuss contact, finances tomorrow but just wanted to know AIBU so I can stick to my guns!!

OP posts:
tomhardyismydh · 14/12/2010 21:33

he may well not be a bad dad but at the moment the situation he has created for his wife and daughter is a bad situation.

he has proven that he is not thinking what is best for dd

maybe he needs to prove he is not a bad dad by understanding what is best for dd and facing up to what he has chosen and how this will impact on all of you.

tomhardyismydh · 14/12/2010 21:34

stick to your guns and good luck stay strong.

lycheemartini · 14/12/2010 21:39

Poor you, what a horrendous year for you. YADNBU. Completely inappropriate for DD to go.

Original poster
BringOnTheGoat · 14/12/2010 21:49

Anyone got an opinion on a time frame to suggest to cuntface H?

OP posts:
lukewarmcupofmulledwine · 14/12/2010 21:52

3 months? Should give things time to settle down at his end. Although I can see he would think that is an age. But then he should have thought about that before, and talked to you about it before leaving.

lycheemartini · 14/12/2010 21:54

I don't think you can really set one can you? You don't want to be held to anything until you've had time to let the dust settle and have a good think about what's right for DD here? Is he coming to visit her? Or just demanding overnight stays? Was he a hands on Dad?

PinkIceQueen · 14/12/2010 21:59

YAVDNBU.