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AIBU?

Overnight stays

32 replies

BringOnTheGoat · 14/12/2010 21:22

H left wednesday to move in with OW - let me know by text and switched off phone for 5 days. He called today to say he wants our DD - 13 months old - to go for overnight visits.

I have said no - reasons:
they have only just started a relationship and I am loathe to let DD form an attachment to another adult before they have a settled relationship;
I am loathe for DD to forem an attachment to another adult full-stop this early in her little life;
H has had alcohol, depression & drug issues;
DD is very young to be in a new environment overnight without mummy.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Report

tomhardyismydh · 14/12/2010 22:09

i would say review and discuss the situation every 3 months with no verbal comitment as to it neccesarily changing.

after 3 months you may need to go down the court route if he pushes it, but that will give you time to prepare.

you may want to ask some following questions.

how old are ow other children?

what would sleeping arrangements be?

no alchohol or drugs with dd around ever!

supervised (by you) contact for at least 3 months, then open to disussion of supervised by another trusted person or contact centre when you are sure depression, drugs and alchohol are not going to impact on dds care and development.

discuss dd possibly meeting ow and her children, after maybe 6 months and then 3 months after that disuss further contact changing. this will give evry one a chance to see if ow will remain a stable figure in the life of dd and H.

this does not need to be a ridged time frame but gives you a possible plan to put to H.

if he is not happy then he can contest it if he choses through a solicitor. But I would be sure to come across as strong reasonable and putting dd first.

I would sugest he can see dd at least once a week two times if you can bear it. that way you are not standing his way of maintaing a relationship with her.

atswimtwolengths · 14/12/2010 22:07

The thing is, it wasn't just you he left was it? He left his daughter with no warning and no method of contacting him. What if she had been ill?

There's no way on this earth I'd let him have her for an overnight stay at the moment. I wouldn't give him a time frame, but would say for as long as he behaves like a prick, he won't have her overnight. If he doesn't pay maintenance, if he turns up late, if he turns off his phone, if he is nasty to you, then that's evidence he's still a prick.

What a hell of a shock for you. I'm so sorry - next year can only be better.

lukewarmcupofmulledwine · 14/12/2010 22:06

And there you have your trump card BringOnTheGoat. The only person this is all about is your DD, and until he can see that, then he doesn't get to complain. Annie get your guns.

BringOnTheGoat · 14/12/2010 22:01

I will go back to work soon on night shifts and said he can have her overnight here - apparently that's not Ok casue of OW!!

OP posts:

SlightlyJaded · 14/12/2010 22:00

transition - even.

BringOnTheGoat · 14/12/2010 21:59

I thought see how they get on for 3 months, then he can introduce them and have 'days' at their home, then if all goes smoothly, we all meet and overnight stays OK. I think that is SOOOO reasonable.

He wants to see her every week. Wants to start off straight away with overnight stays.

He has been a hands on Dad but has had difficulty with night waking (DD teething) and DD always gets nappy rash if he looks after her for day.

OP posts:

SlightlyJaded · 14/12/2010 21:59

YANBU and he is being ridiculous and selfish.

If he's such a great dad (his words, not yours) then he wouldn't care about overnights etc, he would just want see his DD in whichever way makes the transistion easiest for her. It's not about him. Twunt.

Tell him 3 months of day visits and you'll talk about it again.

PinkIceQueen · 14/12/2010 21:59

YAVDNBU.

lycheemartini · 14/12/2010 21:54

I don't think you can really set one can you? You don't want to be held to anything until you've had time to let the dust settle and have a good think about what's right for DD here? Is he coming to visit her? Or just demanding overnight stays? Was he a hands on Dad?

lukewarmcupofmulledwine · 14/12/2010 21:52

3 months? Should give things time to settle down at his end. Although I can see he would think that is an age. But then he should have thought about that before, and talked to you about it before leaving.

BringOnTheGoat · 14/12/2010 21:49

Anyone got an opinion on a time frame to suggest to cuntface H?

OP posts:

lycheemartini · 14/12/2010 21:39

Poor you, what a horrendous year for you. YADNBU. Completely inappropriate for DD to go.

tomhardyismydh · 14/12/2010 21:34

stick to your guns and good luck stay strong.

tomhardyismydh · 14/12/2010 21:33

he may well not be a bad dad but at the moment the situation he has created for his wife and daughter is a bad situation.

he has proven that he is not thinking what is best for dd

maybe he needs to prove he is not a bad dad by understanding what is best for dd and facing up to what he has chosen and how this will impact on all of you.

BringOnTheGoat · 14/12/2010 21:32

I'm coping - thanks.

Is 2nd time so not new ground. He left me at beginning of year when I had PND, started a thing with OW, realised BIG mistake, had breakdown, cam home (the abridged version you understand) BUT, unbeknown to me, continued EA with OW.

We are going to discuss contact, finances tomorrow but just wanted to know AIBU so I can stick to my guns!!

OP posts:

ShanahansRevenge · 14/12/2010 21:32

YANBU...drugs and alcohol aside your DD needs to get to know the OW before she goes there....

racetobed · 14/12/2010 21:31

YANBU. Legal advice, immediately.
He sounds such an arse - I'd be tempted to move 500 miles away.

Poor you.

lukewarmcupofmulledwine · 14/12/2010 21:31

yanbu, and if your H was thinking as a responsible parent he would see that. Can you try to formalise current arrangements legally, so he can't continue to pressure you, and agree a review date when it might be considered?

TheCrackFox · 14/12/2010 21:30

YANBU

The drug and alcohol issues would be a deal breaker for me.

Flisspaps · 14/12/2010 21:29

YANBU. Have you spoken to a solicitor?

MadamDeathstare · 14/12/2010 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magicmummy1 · 14/12/2010 21:28

yanbu

If he was a half-way decent dad, he might have stayed to discuss access to your dd before buggering off with OW and letting you know by text. Arsehole!

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tomhardyismydh · 14/12/2010 21:28

yanbu and I feel for you very much. must be a very painfull situation, how are you coping?

have you talked with H to discuss contact, finances, house etc as these are the conversations you need to be having just now.

Obviously you should not prevent contact but at the moment from what you say supervised contact would be very sensible and NOT unreasonable due to his depression and substance abuse.

you can supervise for the time being and then maybe consider contact centre if you feel its neccesary or another trusted relative.

jumpyjack · 14/12/2010 21:27

YANBU but you might need legal advice to enforce it and to confirm what ongoing contact he can have, where and when.

rubyslippers · 14/12/2010 21:26

A good dad doesn't switch his phone off for 5 days
He has drug and alcohol issues
Your dd needs stability - she is very young

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