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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Overnight stays

32 replies

BringOnTheGoat · 14/12/2010 21:22

H left wednesday to move in with OW - let me know by text and switched off phone for 5 days. He called today to say he wants our DD - 13 months old - to go for overnight visits.

I have said no - reasons:
they have only just started a relationship and I am loathe to let DD form an attachment to another adult before they have a settled relationship;
I am loathe for DD to forem an attachment to another adult full-stop this early in her little life;
H has had alcohol, depression & drug issues;
DD is very young to be in a new environment overnight without mummy.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SlightlyJaded · 14/12/2010 21:59

YANBU and he is being ridiculous and selfish.

If he's such a great dad (his words, not yours) then he wouldn't care about overnights etc, he would just want see his DD in whichever way makes the transistion easiest for her. It's not about him. Twunt.

Tell him 3 months of day visits and you'll talk about it again.

BringOnTheGoat · 14/12/2010 21:59

I thought see how they get on for 3 months, then he can introduce them and have 'days' at their home, then if all goes smoothly, we all meet and overnight stays OK. I think that is SOOOO reasonable.

He wants to see her every week. Wants to start off straight away with overnight stays.

He has been a hands on Dad but has had difficulty with night waking (DD teething) and DD always gets nappy rash if he looks after her for day.

OP posts:
SlightlyJaded · 14/12/2010 22:00

transition - even.

BringOnTheGoat · 14/12/2010 22:01

I will go back to work soon on night shifts and said he can have her overnight here - apparently that's not Ok casue of OW!!

OP posts:
lukewarmcupofmulledwine · 14/12/2010 22:06

And there you have your trump card BringOnTheGoat. The only person this is all about is your DD, and until he can see that, then he doesn't get to complain. Annie get your guns.

atswimtwolengths · 14/12/2010 22:07

The thing is, it wasn't just you he left was it? He left his daughter with no warning and no method of contacting him. What if she had been ill?

There's no way on this earth I'd let him have her for an overnight stay at the moment. I wouldn't give him a time frame, but would say for as long as he behaves like a prick, he won't have her overnight. If he doesn't pay maintenance, if he turns up late, if he turns off his phone, if he is nasty to you, then that's evidence he's still a prick.

What a hell of a shock for you. I'm so sorry - next year can only be better.

tomhardyismydh · 14/12/2010 22:09

i would say review and discuss the situation every 3 months with no verbal comitment as to it neccesarily changing.

after 3 months you may need to go down the court route if he pushes it, but that will give you time to prepare.

you may want to ask some following questions.

how old are ow other children?

what would sleeping arrangements be?

no alchohol or drugs with dd around ever!

supervised (by you) contact for at least 3 months, then open to disussion of supervised by another trusted person or contact centre when you are sure depression, drugs and alchohol are not going to impact on dds care and development.

discuss dd possibly meeting ow and her children, after maybe 6 months and then 3 months after that disuss further contact changing. this will give evry one a chance to see if ow will remain a stable figure in the life of dd and H.

this does not need to be a ridged time frame but gives you a possible plan to put to H.

if he is not happy then he can contest it if he choses through a solicitor. But I would be sure to come across as strong reasonable and putting dd first.

I would sugest he can see dd at least once a week two times if you can bear it. that way you are not standing his way of maintaing a relationship with her.

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