Horrendous Family Situation

[Hugs05]

Hello,

First post and a very long one sorry. I'm hoping some lovely mums will help me out with some much needed advice as in a complete tiz over a tremendously sad situation.

Our DD is 5 and a few years ago we were in the difficult position with a family member where their older little girl kept openly hurting ours and it being dismissed as typical behaviour. We finally spoke up after trying to just protect our little one for 6 months from bites, scratches, kicks etc after the one incident where blood was finally drawn. We left it too long I'm ashamed to say because we were afraid of rocking the family boat. We met with the parents and started by saying the children weren't getting along and it was causing us stress, however the response was to tell us our DD had a lack of personality and character and should have fought back (she was 1 at the time). We were at loggerheads and sadly we haven't spoken in 3 years and the one time we met at a family event they openly referred to me as "there's that woman" in front of my DD.

However, recently we were floored by the news that their DD was extremely ill. We reached out to them several times and have been rejected as they are entitled to do. My MIL has said how angry they are at us and that they blame us in her words "unrationally" for their daughter's illness but it is apparently "good" that they direct their anger somewhere. Not so good for my hubby who's mum is happy to watch him upset.

We are tremendously sad for them and pray for the family every night for a miracle, however we know we do not have a place by their side at this time.

Now here is my situation which is causing complete indecision. We were approached last week by MIL for our DD and the other little girl to go on a playdate. I don't know why really as they do not know each other and wouldn't recognise eachother, but apparently their little girl would like it, so not wishing to cause upset I said yes. My MIL and FIL would be there to oversee them I was told, however this was not the whole story. The playdate will now be with the little girl's whole family who according to my MIL "despise" us.

So what do I do? Do I cause family uproar again by cancelling the playdate with the ill little girl? Or do I let our DD play with the little girl who she doesn't know surrounded by people who "despise" her parents apart from my MIL & FIL who want to stay out of it?

As a mum my instinct is to protect our daughter having learnt my lesson early on and withdraw her from the date but I know my In Laws will stop talking to us and my hubby will be heartbroken (he is also so thrown by this decision). My heart is bleeding for their little girl as a mum but I don't like the thought of her family being around my DD when there is such animosity.

Help advice pls....
xxxx

OP - you sound like a lovely person. I don't really know what on earth is going through their minds...but I agree with the 99% of posters on this thread. I would not send my 5 year old into this sort of situation under any circumstances whatsoever.

I cannot begin to even understand what her parents must be going through and how difficult a situation it must be, but their DD's illness does not give them a reason to make these kind of demands. At all.

If they really want their DD to see yours, then as grown ups they need to put their feelings to one side regarding you and let the playdate go ahead.

Stick by your guns and do not under any circumstances send your DD into this situation alone.

Good luck and come back and update us!

What happened? Reading your thread and thinking of your dd going for this playdate made me feel very uneasy. I'm with all of those that said invent an illness and cancel.

I agree with the others - don't let her go. Invite the other little girl round to yours.

I really hope you do not send your daughter into this lions den, I totally agree with everyone else that something about this is just not right. If she goes, you or DH go with her, you can not seriously be contemplating sending your DD there alone??!!

The advice about your husband ringing the other family is good.

Please come back and let us know how you get on.

This all sounds a bit scary to me. You are responsible for protecting your own child first and foremost, I wouldn't leave my child with ANY family members who made comments like that. Keep well away.

I think you're a bit of a softy OP.

Tell them no. That's the only sensible course of action.

This situation is not your fault.

If you go for the illness scenario a coldsore is always a huge worry.

I wouldn't leave her without at least your DH there (if you think they will cope with him there better than with you, not that it's really your problem either way).

Do you have any confirmation at all of anything other than through your MIL?
DSid your offers of sympathy and support go direct to them or via your ILs? Ditto the rejections?

I would do what Solo suggests, and deal directly with the parents of the child "it's lovely that apparantly XX would like to play with YY, so I'll be very happy to bring her...are you sure it's safe for he to mix with other kids, lots of bugs about..shall we get them to Skype each other first? etc!"

Otherwise, my guess is that the other family know nothing of this plan and it is of your MIL's manufacture.

As for blood and DNA tests, I honestly can't see a hospital agreeing to do tests on a sample of hair collected in some random surroundings and brought in in a bit of tissue and a tupperware. They'd say 'bring in the potential donor'.

"They'd say 'bring in the potential donor'."

Maybe that is the plan, hence the parents not invited?

I don't see how the little would like it, as she barely knows your dd, so agree that it sounds like a set up!

Almost like she is being led into the lion's den. I don't like it, at all!

I would be very surprised if this is donor testing by stealth. Firstly, if the MIL has access to the child, how hard would it be for her to obtain a few hairs? Secondly, surely they would realise that if they did the testing without consent, their chances of obtaining consent for any subsequent procedures would be nil. Thirdly, if that was the plan then why would the OP and her husband have been alerted to the fact that the whole family were planning to be at the playmate? And finally, the chances of a second cousin being a match are not much more, in my understanding, than the chances of finding a match from any random person. We lost an adult relative to leukaemia soon after I was pregnant and we raised the possibility of testing to see if there was any point in saving the cord blood for him. We were told that the chances of a great-nephew's blood matching were almost non-existent.

OP why don't you agree to the playdate but on the day you,dh and dd all turn up together maybe with flowers/toys for ill LO.Play 'naive' and say how lovely it was for the invite.
I'd be shocked if the poorly childs parents kicked off infront of her.And if they dared to then you should keep your didnity and explain if you are not welcome then DD would not be at the playdate and leave.
Then you know that you tried.
Good luck OP.Please tell us how you get on.

A perspective from someone with a child being treated for cancer. Instinctively, something feels wrong here:

1. The family will have been advised about contact with other children and the dangers of infection. Unless they are unbelievably naive, there is no way the parents would be encouraging a playdate from a child the ill child has had no contact with in over three years as there will be no shared immunity whatsover. Even if the ill child has requested it, I'd be surprised if they were encouraging that specific contact. The only thing I can think of is that the ill child has few friends and the parents literally want to fill every day with contact and play dates (which again is not encouraged as if the child is that ill, they just will not be up to it. If this is the case, your child is one of many to be invited so I can't see how declining the invite will be that detrimental to the ill child).

1. Parents of ill children are strung out beyond reason to a point where you just do not have time for other ongoing disputes - you just don't have the energy to be arsed dealing with anyone who doesn't benefit or support you by being there. Or have time to spend on any dispute they feel guilty about - I can't see why they would be encouraging contact directly or indirectly with you (whether they acknowledge their part in it or not) at this time.

1. Seriously, if the parents are going to get worked up about the effect a long-lost relationship has on their DD's health, they need to get a grip. If she does have (terminal) cancer they've really got a whole lot more to be worrying about.

1. Irrespective of the situation would you allow your five year old daughter to be alone with someone she doesn't know, in an unfamiliar situation? No, you wouldn't. Trust your instincts. I wouldn't be underhand in fabricating an illness. Either be upfront and go accompanying your child (or follow Solo's suggestions) or send them a simple message 'Thanks for the invite, we are thinking about you and hope we can resolve things in the future but we don't think our DD wouldbe able to do an unaccompanied playdate at the moment blah blah blah'

You have to be prepared that they will put their own spin (and other people's influence) on whatever you do and you can't control that. Be simple and straight forward and don't put your DD in a situation your instincts tell you isn't right.

I wouldn't agree to it and then cancel at the last minute as quite a few people have suggested. Just because I wouldn't want to upset the poorly girl. She has enough to deal with!

I also think the whole donor hypothesis sounds like a plot to a very dodgy film and highly unlikely tbh. I'm quite surprised by the responses on this thread. To me personally it sounds like they are parents of a poorly child who want her to have conatct with her family. I think they either want to bury the hatchet or simply don't care any more as their child having cancer has put things a bit into perspective. They obviously don't want to carry on the feud as they wouldn't have suggested the play date or wanted to have been there. Of course if the OP doesn't want her child to go, or if in fact the child herself doesn't want to go she doesn't have to, but I really don't think there is anything sinister going on. The MIL will be there won't she? If the OP stops her child from going then she is the one carrying on the feud, not this other couple. In an argument/dispute someone has to be the one to swallow thier pride and make the first move and this couple have already done that IMO. Now it is up to the OP. Also don't forget we only have one side of the story, and both parties in a dispute will always inevitably think they are in the right/have done nothing wrong or there will be no dispute in the first place. I personally think let bygones be bygones for the sake of the sick child. But that's just me and I'll probably get flamed as that doesn't seem to go with the consensus

GlitteryBalls - I agree. I think though that the OP found it weird cos she tried to approach the parents and were rejected. Maybe they have had second thoughts though.

Thank god for monkey and glittery, have been following this thread and been completely dismayed by the posts suggesting that the other family are just doing this for donor. What an awful cynical thing to think.

Tiny steps by all of you concerned would probably be the best way forward, and maybe this fueding should now stop. Sometimes awful things have to happen in life for everyone to sit up and realise that there are more important things going on, ie, a very sick little girl, maybe MIL just trying desperately wanting everything to be put right?

do not, send your little girl

anything could happen to her

dont risk it

yes but christmas why would MIL make the point that they all 'despise' her?? how is that building bridges?

this story just makes me i hate toxic situations. i dont know what to suggest other than to go with her if you do let her go - dont let her go on her own.

i do also think that if the ill child catches an infection then it will all be blamed on your DD. so sad

The OP didn't say when that was said - the "despise" thing. It could have been ages ago when the row was in full swing.

Dont know, sorry, just think that there is probably more to this story, but just found some of the posts upsetting and slightly hysterical. Suppose Im looking at it from a different angle, but also hate toxic situations, its just such a sad situation for the little girl and her family :-(

christmasrocks "its just such a sad situation for the little girl and her family :-("

Totally agree. In this situation I would want to do anything pssible to make the little girls life fun etc. I say let her go but go as well. Even if it's just so that you can offer your support to the parents face to face.

I wouldn't let my child go into his situation without their parents, it would be too much.

If you have already agreed then I would call at the last minute with an illness (this would help if you don't want your dh in the firing line), however I do think you both sound a bit too passive and need to present a tough united front. Your dd comes first.

I'm not going to read too much into the illness part of it but I do think it is odd tey have rebuffed your recent attempts to make peace but now want a play date with your dd but without you there. Very odd.