Horrendous Family Situation

[Hugs05]

Hello,

First post and a very long one sorry. I'm hoping some lovely mums will help me out with some much needed advice as in a complete tiz over a tremendously sad situation.

Our DD is 5 and a few years ago we were in the difficult position with a family member where their older little girl kept openly hurting ours and it being dismissed as typical behaviour. We finally spoke up after trying to just protect our little one for 6 months from bites, scratches, kicks etc after the one incident where blood was finally drawn. We left it too long I'm ashamed to say because we were afraid of rocking the family boat. We met with the parents and started by saying the children weren't getting along and it was causing us stress, however the response was to tell us our DD had a lack of personality and character and should have fought back (she was 1 at the time). We were at loggerheads and sadly we haven't spoken in 3 years and the one time we met at a family event they openly referred to me as "there's that woman" in front of my DD.

However, recently we were floored by the news that their DD was extremely ill. We reached out to them several times and have been rejected as they are entitled to do. My MIL has said how angry they are at us and that they blame us in her words "unrationally" for their daughter's illness but it is apparently "good" that they direct their anger somewhere. Not so good for my hubby who's mum is happy to watch him upset.

We are tremendously sad for them and pray for the family every night for a miracle, however we know we do not have a place by their side at this time.

Now here is my situation which is causing complete indecision. We were approached last week by MIL for our DD and the other little girl to go on a playdate. I don't know why really as they do not know each other and wouldn't recognise eachother, but apparently their little girl would like it, so not wishing to cause upset I said yes. My MIL and FIL would be there to oversee them I was told, however this was not the whole story. The playdate will now be with the little girl's whole family who according to my MIL "despise" us.

So what do I do? Do I cause family uproar again by cancelling the playdate with the ill little girl? Or do I let our DD play with the little girl who she doesn't know surrounded by people who "despise" her parents apart from my MIL & FIL who want to stay out of it?

As a mum my instinct is to protect our daughter having learnt my lesson early on and withdraw her from the date but I know my In Laws will stop talking to us and my hubby will be heartbroken (he is also so thrown by this decision). My heart is bleeding for their little girl as a mum but I don't like the thought of her family being around my DD when there is such animosity.

Help advice pls....
xxxx

Nope, something's not right here.

Either you're all invited or no-one goes. Either they want bridges built or they don't.

And I definitely DEFINITELY wouldn't send your little girl on her own.

They are all utterly bonkers and you should probably tell them so. Personally I would speak to the parents and tell them how bizarre and ridiculous their behaviour is.
But like others said, go along with dd if you decide she will go.

I have my own family ishoos, so my judgement maybe clouded here...but I would only let my DC go if either myself or my DH could be present.

My experience of 'family' when there are ongoing conflicts happening is not good. I'd be scared that they would influence my DC in such away that I would have real problems after the playdate.

A 5 y/o is still very innocent when it comes to grown up 'game playing'.

Hugs - my mil is a bit like that to a much lesser extent and I would be wary of believing all she says. Just imagine what she's told them that you've said.

Hugs05 - I think you need to reappraise your view of your MiL. You seem a nice person, but perhaps want to see the best in people a little too much?

She is inappropriate and hurtful. She has lied about and ignored the initial actions of the other girl. She tells you that the other family blame you for the girl's cancer and thus despise you. You don't trust her to protect your daughter. She is threatening to cut off contact over this issue, regardless of your feelings (or your DDs). She has made it quite clear she does not care about her son's feelings.

All of this is from what you've written. I know what I think!

I agree with Mollie - if something goes wrong, the other family will blame your DD.
OP, I honestly think you have a watertight get-out here: the possibility of your DD passing a virus onto their DD is too great (with many viruses, you're infectious before you show any symptoms so your DD doesn't have to have a streaming nose to be carrying something). A cold - or worse- would be catastrophic for a child who is already seriously ill with cancer. In the interests of the second cousin, the playdate should not go ahead. You could even talk to your GP beforehand, or any other medics you know to get some professional back-up to quote at the rest of the family in case they give you grief.
And if the parents continue to press for a playdate after this, I'd SERIOUSLY question their motives.

Also, when your MIL says that they blme you for their DD having cancer I think what she (and they) really mean is that they're desperately jealous that your DD is healthy while theirs is suffering.

This is kind of understandable, cancer is horrible and unfair and most people who have to deal with this situation will at some point think "Why us and not them". If they don't like you anyway, this will make them even more bitter.

If the situation is to be resolved, it will be resolved between the adults, then the children can be reintroduced to each other, your DD (I'm not sure how old theirs is) is far too young be be forced into the role of peacemaker, too many undercurrents and pressures for her to have to deal with, especially on your own. I understand your DH will be devestated if this causes a rift between him and your PIL, but how much more devestated will he be if something really upsets your DD?

I'm afraid I would be a bit of a wuss in that I'd agree and then pull out at the last minute blaming an illness.

Perhaps I'm being terribly dark and cynical, but from what OP has posted I'd be less worried about some harsh words and more so about a nice fresh cup of tea getting knocked over. Your chance for some time in hospital-type payback, sort of thing.

Brux - that sort of scenario crossed my mind, but I wasn't brave enough to suggest it. When I first read the OP, I actually felt a bit sick. My instincts were yelling nooooooooooooooo - don't go!

It's very admirable that you still have some desire to be civil or even friends with this family, but I can see why you do, since it would make your relationship with your hubby's mother better. If you are the kind of person who is strong enough to let the past lie in the past, and want to move forward and try to mend the relationship with this girl and her parents, then why don't you agree to the playdate (but only if you/your husband is there too). Then nobody can say you haven't tried. Bit weird that they've suddenly decided they want their little girl to play with yours though if they 'despise' you. Still, you could give them the benefit of the doubt (I'm a fairly optimistic person who would hope this was a genuine opportunity to patch things up; maybe I'm naive) Your gut instinct will tell you what you think their motives are.

Bruxeur - I am equally cynical, although I am thinking more along the lines of this playdate giving them a ready-made reason to blame any deterioration on the OP and her family. Peopl do strange things when they are angry and unhappy and, like someone elsesaid, anger is good when it takes your mind off something painful. I would not be t all surprised, if this playdate went ahead, if there were suddenly complaints about the OP's DD making the other child ill.

Sorry - that should have read nooooooooooo - don't let your DD go!

I wouldn't let my child go alone in to the hands of people I knew reacted with anger towards me. Just too scary an idea. If dh can go with her I would let her go but not otherwise.

I wouldn't let her go on her own. And btw, how can the other little girl have any interest in playing with yours, if they don't remember each other? I think the GPs are inventing the story to try and build bridges. I would go with her, or not let her go at all. And if you go, be ready to have to walk out if things get nasty

I wouldn't send her, even with you or DH there.

If they are truly interested in building bridges then by all means let the adults mean up and chat things through. Assuming such a meeting went well I'd consider introducing the children after that

It's very sad about this little girl however that is no reason to sacrifice your own child's wellbeing by sending her off to visit people who not only hate her family but blame her parents and for their child's illness.

I don't get this at all tbh. If PIL thought this up maybe they're trying to get you all to make up, in which case they're going about it all wrong- this feud has nothing to do with the children really, it's between the parents. If it was this girl's parents idea I'd be really concerned what they were playing at. Either way my own gut instinct would be to say, "thanks, but no thanks and keep the fuck away from my DD".

Your MIL is not neutral here. She has passed on information it would have been better to keep quiet. Did she support you or at least see your point of view in the original argument? If not, is she likely to protect your DD effectively now?

It is quite possible the other girl has not changed or is even worse, so what happens if there is a real problem on the playdate-with the girl being so ill,is anyone going to step in and protect your DD from harm?

It occurred to me that perhaps MIL has engineered this whole thing and the playdate is her idea. If the other parents don't know about it how do you think they will react when they turn up to MIL's house to find your little girl is there?

In short there are so many pitfalls and unknowns that I agree with other posters-your DD should not go unless either you and/or your DH are also there (irrespective of whether the other parents are also there).

But why do the other family want this? very odd behaviour.

Golly - thats some pretty nasty thoughts about the other parents. Especially as all they've said since the initial confrontation over the behaviour of their child has been reported by the mil who is incredibly tactless at best or quite nasty at worst.

I would not believe a lot of what the mil says as she does sound quite manipulative/trouble-making.

Eldritch - I too wondered if it was all mil's mad idea and the other family would be equally shocked.

The fact they are so eager for a playdate, without yo, seems worrying to me. Please dont let her go!

Tracey: the OP says that since the child's illness was diagnosed, she (the OP) and her DH have reached out to the parents, but been rejected. So there does seem to be direct hostility from the other parents, not just stuff reported by the MIL.

It doesn't seem like anyone will benifit from this encounter, it is very bizzare that they want your DD to go on a playdate considering the history.

Even if i were inclined to think charitably of their request, i still wouldn't let a 5yr old little girl go alone, supervised by a strange and hostile MIL.

If you can't say no, why not invent something else that your DD has to do that day etc, maybe they will get the hint.

I think that you should all go. I'm not quite as suspicious as the other responses I don't think as I just assumed that the parents think it would be nice for your daughter and theres to meet and be friends as cousins should be. I don't suppose the other little girl still behaves like that so I wouldn't worry about her hurting yours again.

It is worrying if your family won't step in to protect her though. It's also weird that the parents took such offence to you discussing it with them. Was anything nasty said by you or your DH to cause them to take such offence?

I feel so sad about their poorly girl. What type of cancer is it?