Horrendous Family Situation

[Hugs05]

Hello,

First post and a very long one sorry. I'm hoping some lovely mums will help me out with some much needed advice as in a complete tiz over a tremendously sad situation.

Our DD is 5 and a few years ago we were in the difficult position with a family member where their older little girl kept openly hurting ours and it being dismissed as typical behaviour. We finally spoke up after trying to just protect our little one for 6 months from bites, scratches, kicks etc after the one incident where blood was finally drawn. We left it too long I'm ashamed to say because we were afraid of rocking the family boat. We met with the parents and started by saying the children weren't getting along and it was causing us stress, however the response was to tell us our DD had a lack of personality and character and should have fought back (she was 1 at the time). We were at loggerheads and sadly we haven't spoken in 3 years and the one time we met at a family event they openly referred to me as "there's that woman" in front of my DD.

However, recently we were floored by the news that their DD was extremely ill. We reached out to them several times and have been rejected as they are entitled to do. My MIL has said how angry they are at us and that they blame us in her words "unrationally" for their daughter's illness but it is apparently "good" that they direct their anger somewhere. Not so good for my hubby who's mum is happy to watch him upset.

We are tremendously sad for them and pray for the family every night for a miracle, however we know we do not have a place by their side at this time.

Now here is my situation which is causing complete indecision. We were approached last week by MIL for our DD and the other little girl to go on a playdate. I don't know why really as they do not know each other and wouldn't recognise eachother, but apparently their little girl would like it, so not wishing to cause upset I said yes. My MIL and FIL would be there to oversee them I was told, however this was not the whole story. The playdate will now be with the little girl's whole family who according to my MIL "despise" us.

So what do I do? Do I cause family uproar again by cancelling the playdate with the ill little girl? Or do I let our DD play with the little girl who she doesn't know surrounded by people who "despise" her parents apart from my MIL & FIL who want to stay out of it?

As a mum my instinct is to protect our daughter having learnt my lesson early on and withdraw her from the date but I know my In Laws will stop talking to us and my hubby will be heartbroken (he is also so thrown by this decision). My heart is bleeding for their little girl as a mum but I don't like the thought of her family being around my DD when there is such animosity.

Help advice pls....
xxxx

BoysAreLikeDogs
I'll bet they want to get a blood sample from her

you really think that they will draw blood in a play date with out parental consent. What would that get them - they would still have to approached OP family about getting their DD tested for compatibility or admit they took blood inappropriately.

Frankly if the sick DC parents were thinking donation - I would expect them to be trying to get on with the OP family. They would need parental consent for any donations or testing.

I agree Masochism.

Actually when a child has Cancer it doesn't absolve the parents of any previous bad behaviour.

It is a very sad situation when a child is seriously Ill but I have seen parents take on the role of a sainted martyr when actually they're revelling in the power that their childs illness affords them . They will be the ones calling in the local paper, starting charities, fund raising and generally putting themselves centre stage.

I'm not being unsymapathetic, I've been there and witnessed the behaviour first hand.

Not "all" parents of sick children behave this way, but some do and they do sound like perfect candidates I'm afraid.

"you really think that they will draw blood in a play date with out parental consent. What would that get them - they would still have to approached OP family about getting their DD tested for compatibility or admit they took blood inappropriately."

Then if OP's DD's blood matches up, the unreasonable parents will suddenly want to build bridges and be best mates. You watch.

Of course it doesn't Alouise - you are quite right.

But as always on here we've only got one version of events and I just think its a bit unnecessary to suggest the other parents are trying to take a blood sample without consent.

Best case is that there was a difference over parenting, offence was taken and it was left to fester with mil doing a lot of stirring.

NO, dont send her. just dont. agree husband should handle not you but simply say "I dont think its a good idea" and leave it at that

please dont send her, sounds weird

Bruxeur, I really didn't mean to call Hugs either of those things. I was trying to imagine how the parents of the ill child might feel. I got the timescale wrong- I don't why I did that. Was stupid. If the acrimony had started when their child was diagnosed with cancer, they could be disliking the OP because she said something wrong, though. That's not to put any blame on hugs though. People can and do get offended by all kinds of innocent remarks, even when they've not got anything upsetting happening. Because sometimes people are unreasonable.

bupcakesandcunting
Then if OP's DD's blood matches up, the unreasonable parents will suddenly want to build bridges and be best mates

How are they getting the blood tested? Surely the people testing will need paper work which would want to know where the blood came from - I supposed there might be some labs with less than perfect practices but then how accurate and trustworthy would the results be enough to base their DC life on. Besides the OP and family would still have option of backing away and refusing any tests.

I am not saying Op 5 year old should go on play date - I have said the opposite. I am just saying that would not be my first concern.

Oh I don't know, masochism. I'm ever the pessimist and I will always look for the worst possible scenario.

It doesn't sit right. The blood test thing might be a bit far-fetched but oy smells a rat. I think the more likely option is the one of MIL shit-stirring and the other family know nothing of it. MIL sounds a right treasure.

What a very tricky situation! It may be that their very sick DD has asked to see your DD (her 2nd cousin) - in which case they should tell you this, and you or your DH should definitely attend as well. However, I am suspicious - perhaps they are after a hair strand to test DNA (would that be a pre-cursor to testing bone marrow?). As a first step, could you email them to ask if they know about this meeting being arranged?

Can I ask? How old was the other little girl when this all happened?

bupcakesandcunting
I think the more likely option is the one of MIL shit-stirring and the other family know nothing of it. MIL sounds a right treasure.

Yes - it does sound likely. I have family that like to get caught up in any drama even if they have to insert themselves artificially into it. I also have a family member that misguidedly believes, despite evidence to contrary, that DC what ever age and with no prior connections or with a 'bad' history together will automatically play nicely this time as she thinks it would be nice idea and it will be 'fun' for them.

I do wonder what OP DH thinks to the play date idea.

"Yes - it does sound likely. I have family that like to get caught up in any drama even if they have to insert themselves artificially into it"

Are we related?

islandhopper
Perhaps they are after a hair strand to test DNA

Apparent there is a saliva test for bone marrow compatibility.

I hate it when you see your child being badly treated at the hands of another child - and I think that I would like to be able to say something to parents of the other child about it - but it is difficult and not sure I could. It is commendable that you felt you were able to all those years ago. I am shocked that the other parents had the reaction they did and blamed your 1 year old DD's personality for the treatment by their DD. Now, my DD went through a biting an hitting other chilred period and I was continually mortified and would consistanly get her to 'apologise' as best she could. Even if someone was very upset about something she had done - I don't think I would have openly blamed the other child (I might've come home and had a rant to DH about it in private and maybe kept out of the way for a while).

I can't fathom their reaction to you saying that DDs don't get on nor can I understand their reaction when you tried to reach out to them. Certainly I can't see how they can blame you for their DD's illness.

Like others have said, I think that you ILs may have more to do with this than they are letting on.

I certainly wouldn't let my DD go without me or my DH - in fact I would make sure we both went and if they couldn't be civil while I was there - I would make sure they knew why we were leaving.

One way to get out of it as others have suggested, is phone them (could you phone them directly? It seems like everything going via your PIL could be making it more complicated) and saying that she has a temperature and you're not sure it's a good idea given their DD's illness.

I think the playdate thing is v odd and I'd definitely request one of you staying.

I am wondering though if the poorly little girl may have been aggressive due to being ill.

It's just a thought and no excuse for the parents behavior.

I haven't got past the fact that these people blamed your daughter - yes, blamed your daughter for their daughter's cancer.

That's an evil deed if ever I heard one.

Good God!!

They blame you for their daughter's cancer and they rejected your olive branch, now they want access to your daughter whom they are angry with, whom they think has little personality and strength of character.

Two words, and second one is 'off'

As for Mil, who cares what she thinks, she doesn't priorities her son and never will. Don't fear these people or their reactions. Don't dignify them with a second though.

Just thought - could you almost 'call their bluff' and get DH to make contact again with the relatives, saying how delighted he is that channels of communication are now re-opened (even thought they're not) - given their very kind invitation to your daughter for a playdate.

He could say that he's so glad that this will give everyone an opportunity to reconnect - especially at this v difficult time for the relatives and sick child. In the course of this conversation - which I do think should be directly with the relatives if possible and NOT via MIL - he could then discuss the worry about the sick child's immune system etc and DD being typically prone at her age to various viruses and suggest they all think further about a direct meeting and instead perhaps then start with some child friendly email contact or sending little pictures to each other.

So in other words - sort of what others have said but having one last attempt to see if by bluffing that you now assume the relatives are symbolically extending an olive branch - that leave the relatives sort of expected to agree - or to massively up the ante, be even more socially inappropriate and rude and clarify that you shouldn't let DD see their child.

I absolutely agree BTW that a child of 5 shouldn't be going alone into the situation and that you take it as a given that of course one of you two will accompany her...and make this clear to the relatives.Make it clear that you interpret the idea of a playdate as a sign that they're inviting you all back into their lives. If they're not, then clearly, where you're not wanted, you wouldn't let your DD go.

Excellent ideas Solo2

Agree with solo. I was thinking a similar thing - it's all very suspect that it's going through MIL who sounds a bit loopy TBH.

Go direct to the relatives. And you should be at the playdate.

Yes I agree with posters that you either a) you insist that you both go with her, not leave her on her own in that situation, or b)agree to the playdate but without the extended family there who will make things uncomfortable.

Or you could invite their dd and the parents over to yours, and cut out the obnoxious relatives. The little girl is sick, she may or may not make it, and it would be nice for her to see her cousin and get to know her.

Agree with solo. Lance this boil head on...

this sounds like a lamb to the slaughter.

No way on earth I'd let my DS (5 TODAY! ) go into this situation with the history and the mad inlaws/relatives.

So this is a second cousin, and the IL are siding with them against their own son?

Er, no thanks....

Our school has well in excess of 160 kids off each day at the moment with gastro stuff, colds, green noses galore and literally everyone, kids, parents and teachers all barking away like huskies at the moment.

Call their bluff and remove yourself and your DD from this freakishness and ideally take massive umbrage against them all and sideline them all once and for all.

No...I wouldn't agree to it, the girls don't know each other any more...it seems very odd to me.

As for your mil...she will never be on your dh's side so it seems pointless doing it for her benefit