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Original poster

Horrendous Family Situation

150 replies

Hugs05 · 14/12/2010 14:48

Hello,

First post and a very long one sorry. I'm hoping some lovely mums will help me out with some much needed advice as in a complete tiz over a tremendously sad situation.

Our DD is 5 and a few years ago we were in the difficult position with a family member where their older little girl kept openly hurting ours and it being dismissed as typical behaviour. We finally spoke up after trying to just protect our little one for 6 months from bites, scratches, kicks etc after the one incident where blood was finally drawn. We left it too long I'm ashamed to say because we were afraid of rocking the family boat. We met with the parents and started by saying the children weren't getting along and it was causing us stress, however the response was to tell us our DD had a lack of personality and character and should have fought back (she was 1 at the time). We were at loggerheads and sadly we haven't spoken in 3 years and the one time we met at a family event they openly referred to me as "there's that woman" in front of my DD.

However, recently we were floored by the news that their DD was extremely ill. We reached out to them several times and have been rejected as they are entitled to do. My MIL has said how angry they are at us and that they blame us in her words "unrationally" for their daughter's illness but it is apparently "good" that they direct their anger somewhere. Not so good for my hubby who's mum is happy to watch him upset.

We are tremendously sad for them and pray for the family every night for a miracle, however we know we do not have a place by their side at this time.

Now here is my situation which is causing complete indecision. We were approached last week by MIL for our DD and the other little girl to go on a playdate. I don't know why really as they do not know each other and wouldn't recognise eachother, but apparently their little girl would like it, so not wishing to cause upset I said yes. My MIL and FIL would be there to oversee them I was told, however this was not the whole story. The playdate will now be with the little girl's whole family who according to my MIL "despise" us.

So what do I do? Do I cause family uproar again by cancelling the playdate with the ill little girl? Or do I let our DD play with the little girl who she doesn't know surrounded by people who "despise" her parents apart from my MIL & FIL who want to stay out of it?

As a mum my instinct is to protect our daughter having learnt my lesson early on and withdraw her from the date but I know my In Laws will stop talking to us and my hubby will be heartbroken (he is also so thrown by this decision). My heart is bleeding for their little girl as a mum but I don't like the thought of her family being around my DD when there is such animosity.

Help advice pls....
xxxx

OP posts:
Silver1 · 14/12/2010 15:25

I think MuminNWLondon has the best answer- but call me cynical am I the only one wondering whether they just want to open the door in case they need donor material such as bone marrow.

dinkystinky · 14/12/2010 15:26

If they openly despise you, its not a great situation to be sending your DD into, regardless of whether MIL and FIL are there. Either its just the two little girls and your inlaws there or its no playdate I think.

myleftcrutch · 14/12/2010 15:26

People like this like to occasionally reinitiate contact IMO to test you, and then to let you down again.

Last year our DD had a xmas card from her cousins, first contact from them in 3 years. This year she sent them birthday cards which were not reciprocated. I think the parents just really, really enjoy being complete arses, which is handy since that is what they are.

findingthepath · 14/12/2010 15:28

I'm sorry but i get a bad feeling just from your post.

I would not let my child go as i would not trust anyone there to protect or look out for him/her.

If PIL do not stand up for their own son why would they protect your child?

I would try and get the ill child and her mum or dad and you or your husband only and cut out the rest of the family if i had to go thro with it.

But IMO there is something wrong here. Why would the ill girls mum and dad who hate you want their DD who is older want her to play with your DD?

It just does not sound right to me Sad

C4ro · 14/12/2010 15:28

Not sure for whose benefit the playdate has been arranged; it seems beyond strange for the sick child to suddenly remember/ want to play with your DD after 3 years gap. As it's your DH family I think you should be passing the decision (and the responsibility for the consequences) to him anyway.

Personally it'd be all of us or none of us to go for me. The fact the MIL is excusing them passing off their grief in the form of misdirected anger on you would mean I wouldn't trust her at all to have your DD best interests in mind if neither or you are there. And if the child did start with the hitting/ biting- are any of them going to step in and stop her?

traceybath · 14/12/2010 15:29

I would say no but do wonder what exactly happened in the past as surely the other little girl was tiny and hardly being malicious.

MollieO · 14/12/2010 15:31

Very sad scenario but your duty is to protect your dd. I wouldn't let my ds go to a playdate with someone he doesn't know and whose parents 'despise' me.

femalevictormeldrew · 14/12/2010 15:31

I would let her go on the condidion that either you or your DH were there. It is a very strange request from them considering how long it is since there has been any contact between you.

ChilledChick2 · 14/12/2010 15:34

I think you should step back and look at the situation first before making any decisions. If they don't agree to you or your DH going with your DD then you should do something else with DD. Ask yourself why, all of a sudden, do they want to have your DD and theirs playing together after all this time?

They may well be regretting what they did and may want to bury the hatchet but, thinking about this more and more makes me think there's something not quite right about this. It seems too sudden.

bruxeur · 14/12/2010 15:34

traceybath - no one but you has called the other little girl malicious. Aggressive behaviour such as the OP describes needs to be well-parented, and not ignored or dismissed as due to a lack of moral fibre in the victim - an infant at the time, remember.

I'm not sure what you're trying to insinuate, really?

Original poster
Hugs05 · 14/12/2010 15:35

You lovely mummies rock! Thank you so much for the fab advice you have really helped reassure and calm another mummy like you wouldn't believe.

To answer a few questions - the little girl is a second cousin but they are very close to hubby's parents. Very sadly she is bravely fighting cancer - however it is not looking positive.

I think I will have a chat with my DH tonight and suggest one of us go or cancel altogether. My gut is to not go at all but can't bear to see my ILs not speak with their son even though they're not supportive parents he couldn't cope with anymore rejection (they too turned a blind eye to the little girl's behaviour even though they were hit a few times themselves by her and said they didn't want to listen to him).

I'll speak with them to give his relationship the best chance of survival.I love my little family so much I feel like whatever I do one may get hurt - an awful feeling.

Thank you once againxx

OP posts:
CrapSuzette · 14/12/2010 15:37

I may have missed something, but what is wrong with the little girl? How and why do her parents believe the illness is your DDs fault?
Am interested to know as you may be able to use the nature of the child's illness as a basis for making your excuses without appearing to be the 'bad guys' - eg, your DD, like most five year olds, probably comes down with a lot of viruses at this time of year, and you'd hate yourself if she passed on a cold or similar and their DD's condition deteriorated... which, come to think of it, would be a perfectly reasonable point to consider whether you got on with the parents or not! Is the child actually well enough to come into contact with other children?
Hope all this makes sense - 3 year old DTs making a lot of noise in the background...

lucky1979 · 14/12/2010 15:37

No, I wouldn't let her go either. They hate you and blame you for their DD's illness, and you want to send your DD to spend time with them, especially as she hasn't seen them for years and won't know who they are?

Seriously, don't do it unless you can both be there. And honestly, why do it even then?

TandB · 14/12/2010 15:39

So your husband's parents are effectively siding with their niece/nephew over their own son? And potentially with their great-niece over their own grandchild?

I would not trust them to supervise this playdate.

CrapSuzette · 14/12/2010 15:39

Oh, just cross-posted Hugs. In that case, I think it's actually in the other child's interests that she and your DD don't come into contact. If she's been having treatment, she'll be immunosupressed surely -not a good idea to have her coming into contact with other children at this time of year? Surely the slightest cold could be catastrophic for her?

traceybath · 14/12/2010 15:40

Brux - I was merely saying that the other parents may have felt their child who was how old was unfairly labelled as mean/cruel/malicious whatever and hence the big falling out. Just seemed like a big over-reaction to me but hey ho.

You know perhaps they're trying to make overtures as they're daughter being very ill has made them re-evaluate and they don't hold the child any ill-will but for whatever reasons don't want to see the parents.

But hey I'll leave it at that.

Oh but would be wary of hearing all sorts of stuff through other people - who knows how much is exaggerated etc.

mazzystartled · 14/12/2010 15:41

Is this your MIL's idea - a way to try to bridge the gap?

Are the little girls cousins? Is MIL maybe trying to engineer a reconcilliation or does she have an idea that the two girls "should" have a relationship?

I find it hard to believe that any harm would come to your daughter, but then I find it unbelievable that this family should seem to hate you so much, and cannot understand why. So I wouldn't allow my daughter to be in their company without you.

I think would appeal to ILs better judgement here - and maybe say your DD would like to play but she wants you to be there too.

antshouse · 14/12/2010 15:44

If you or your DH are not welcome to go along to keep an eye on your 5 year old maybe you could tell them that she has a bad cold.
They can't take offence at that and surely would want to protect the other child any infection on top of her treatment.

traceybath · 14/12/2010 15:44

I would to keep the peace agree to the playdate but then cancel at the last minute due to a made-up illness.

But it ultimately depends how much you trust your mil to watch over your child.

traceybath · 14/12/2010 15:46

And your mil sounds either incredibly tactless or quite a stirrer - why on earth is she telling you that people despise you?

GlitteryBalls · 14/12/2010 15:47

I'm with you Traceybath. I really don't see what harm it can do letting them play together, and I think it could build bridges. And it seems desperately sad to deprive a child who is ill and possibly dying from seeing her cousin because of a feud the adults are having and imposing conditions.

Laquitar · 14/12/2010 15:50

Cant your dh go too? Surely they wouldn't ban him? They can go both for an hour then leave.
Perhaps your Mil wants the 2 cousins to meet up and make up. Normal thinking when there is serious illness in the family.

christmasrocks · 14/12/2010 15:55

I think you need to talk to DH and ILs before you make any decision. This is your DHs family and he may very well want this situation to end, this is also your DDs family. It is not the other little girls fault and at the moment she should be surrounded by a loving supportive family, and not in the middle of a war zone, this is really not the time to carry this argument and anger on. Her parents are going through hell and have more than likely behaved totally irrational, a lot of us would Im sure in their terrible terrible situation. Best thing is to prob let your DD go with DH and hope that bridges can be mended. But at the moment, their little girl must come first.

Original poster
Hugs05 · 14/12/2010 16:00

To answer traceybath about my mil - she is rather eccentric and seems to come out with really inappropriate and hurtful stuff in general. She doesn't seem to do it with intent but we do sometimes wonder. Most people in the family have fallen foul of her mouth. eg.She's told me only children are weird - (I grew up as an only child because my sibling died when we were young) but apparently I was ok because I couldn't help it.

I have to believe she doesn't realise the impact becuase I don't want to think she'd do it intentionally.

OP posts:
MollieO · 14/12/2010 16:03

You do realise that if your dd does go and anything happens to her second cousin (eg falls over, catches a cold etc etc) your dd will be to blame. As your PILs weren't at all supportive before I doubt anything will have changed now. How old is the second cousin?

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