Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Horrendous Family Situation

150 replies

Hugs05 · 14/12/2010 14:48

Hello,

First post and a very long one sorry. I'm hoping some lovely mums will help me out with some much needed advice as in a complete tiz over a tremendously sad situation.

Our DD is 5 and a few years ago we were in the difficult position with a family member where their older little girl kept openly hurting ours and it being dismissed as typical behaviour. We finally spoke up after trying to just protect our little one for 6 months from bites, scratches, kicks etc after the one incident where blood was finally drawn. We left it too long I'm ashamed to say because we were afraid of rocking the family boat. We met with the parents and started by saying the children weren't getting along and it was causing us stress, however the response was to tell us our DD had a lack of personality and character and should have fought back (she was 1 at the time). We were at loggerheads and sadly we haven't spoken in 3 years and the one time we met at a family event they openly referred to me as "there's that woman" in front of my DD.

However, recently we were floored by the news that their DD was extremely ill. We reached out to them several times and have been rejected as they are entitled to do. My MIL has said how angry they are at us and that they blame us in her words "unrationally" for their daughter's illness but it is apparently "good" that they direct their anger somewhere. Not so good for my hubby who's mum is happy to watch him upset.

We are tremendously sad for them and pray for the family every night for a miracle, however we know we do not have a place by their side at this time.

Now here is my situation which is causing complete indecision. We were approached last week by MIL for our DD and the other little girl to go on a playdate. I don't know why really as they do not know each other and wouldn't recognise eachother, but apparently their little girl would like it, so not wishing to cause upset I said yes. My MIL and FIL would be there to oversee them I was told, however this was not the whole story. The playdate will now be with the little girl's whole family who according to my MIL "despise" us.

So what do I do? Do I cause family uproar again by cancelling the playdate with the ill little girl? Or do I let our DD play with the little girl who she doesn't know surrounded by people who "despise" her parents apart from my MIL & FIL who want to stay out of it?

As a mum my instinct is to protect our daughter having learnt my lesson early on and withdraw her from the date but I know my In Laws will stop talking to us and my hubby will be heartbroken (he is also so thrown by this decision). My heart is bleeding for their little girl as a mum but I don't like the thought of her family being around my DD when there is such animosity.

Help advice pls....
xxxx

OP posts:
lucky1979 · 14/12/2010 16:36

I think "accidents" like the one suggested above with the hot liquid are pretty unlikely - I could almost see it happening as a split second moment of madness and resentment in the depths of grief but it takes a really REALLY psychopathic kind of a person to plot to lure a 5 year old girl to a house with the sole intention of mutilating her. I really doubt that is in the plan.

I still wouldn't send her though, but I think it's harsh to paint them as the kind of people who would plan to seriously injure a child through spite.

QueeferSantaland · 14/12/2010 16:36

I would let her go only if you or your DH could go.

I too am a bitter old cynic and wondering if they could be after something like bone marrow???
(Although obviosly they wouldn't whip it out on the playdate.)

They might be trying to make a sick little girl happy.

monkeyflippers · 14/12/2010 16:38

I would also be worried about rejecting the poorly little girl in any way as well as I feel so sorry for her. Not that she need know but they sound like a weird lot.

jessiealbright · 14/12/2010 16:43

Oh god. I have a crystal ball that says that in the near future, that poor little girl is going to get worse. Perhaps die. And it will all be blamed on your daughter's visit, and the germs she unwittingly carried.

Don't send her. Frankly, I fear the "best" case scenario is that your daughter would spend the playdate being a victim of unpleasant games played by the ill girl. If the parents were unwilling to intervene when their daughter was well, they're hardly going to be strict now that she is desperately ill, are they?

It's a terribly sad situation- and I do pity them and their daughter. I wonder how they perceive events, really. What would their AIBU thread say? Regardless, your daughter shouldn't take the brunt of their anger, now or in the future.

bupcakesandcunting · 14/12/2010 16:45

Your family sound a wee bit toxic. Your MIL and FIL will stop talking to you if you do not agree to the playdate? WTF? Allowing your DD to go would be allowing your child to be used as a pawn, so I would not allow it. You are her mother and you must do what is best for her, not for any other fucker. You sound too nice. You were reluctant to tell these relatives that their DD was upsetting yours and now they've treated you awfully you are unsure whether to comply to their demands by letting your DD play with theirs. I understand that this child is ill but this rings weird, IMO.

If her parents want to resolve and move on then fine but I would not allow my child to play with the child of someone who so openly disliked me.

OTTMummA · 14/12/2010 16:46

I don't let assumed guilt make me do something i feel that is instinctivley wrong.

My gut instinct here would be to say no, sorry.
The little girls parents really only have themselves to blame for that kind of repsonse, if they are behind the request, then they are shameless.

monkeyflippers · 14/12/2010 16:46

jessiealbright - is that a joke about the crystal ball or do you actually have one. Excuse me for being thick but wasn't sure what you meant.

jessiealbright · 14/12/2010 16:51

Nah, turn of phrase, sorry. I mean I have cynical thoughts, but "crystal ball? sounds so much grander, doesn't it?

mumbar · 14/12/2010 16:52

op. I have read the op and everyones responses. I'm not quite so cynical but had my reservations too.

I am wondering whether perhaps the other DD has asked to play with your DD. Is it not possible that she's been looking at photos and asked who you DD is in them? Perhaps her parents have explained, maybe even mentioned the other DD's behaviour and being as ill as she is she wants to meet your DD, maybe even feels bad for her behaviour all those years ago.

I wouldn't however allow her to go alone. Not only because you have no control over what the other adults say to her and how they treat her but because it will be an emotionally draining, and very shocking/difficult experience for your DD to see a child so sick. She needs you there for when she's struggling to cope with it.

masochismTangoer · 14/12/2010 16:54

It is sad that the other DC is sick but that is not OP family fault or responsibility and a one off play date is not going to change the girls condition but could be a less than ideal experience for OP DD.

I would not send my eldest, 5 years, any where I was not sure of her emotional and physical well being and I would change that stance because someone somewhere tried guilt as a motivator. It does sound like an adults idea and not the sick DC. Some adults seem to think that DC just having similar ages and nothing else in common means they will automatically enjoy each others company.

I am a little surprised the sick DD family are behind this idea - I would have thought they would have enough emotional stuff going on with a sick DC especially if they still refuse to directly contact the OP or her DH. It is not like the OP 5 year old DD can offer them emotional or practical support.

Highlander · 14/12/2010 16:54

I'm with santa land - if the cousin has leukaemia, they might be after your DD's bone marrow; despite their loathing of you.

They're going through a tough time, and top of their usual lunacy, they're going to be very, very angry towards you.

I would phone them, express your concern about 'germs' being passed on. they will have had specific information given to them about this from their oncologist.

monkeyflippers · 14/12/2010 16:55

jessiealbright - oh! thought you might be a fortune teller. Seriously I did!

jessiealbright · 14/12/2010 16:56

I suggest, that to show willing, on the offchance the little girl does want to play with your little girl, that you suggest they play games over skype. Phone calls, emails, any kind of little internet game.

Something that means they can play, but there's no risk of passing germs onto an immunosuppressed child.

CrapSuzette · 14/12/2010 16:56

Please, please use the possibility of your DD carrying a virus to get out of this date, and get some medical advice to back you up.
Last year, my much-loved SIL was due to visit us (she and my BIL live several hundred miles away). Sadly, she was diagnosed and treated for a particularly aggressive form of cancer several months before, and we decided not to go ahead with their visit because our DTs - 2.5 years old at the time - were always coming down with colds. Both DH and BIL are doctors and felt it was a no-brainer: preschoolers and early-school-age children are notorious for being a hotbed of viruses and none of us felt we could possibly put SIL in their line of fire. We were all really upset - we love SIL and BIL very much - but knew it was the right thing.
If you use this as an excuse, surely you're on to a winner? How can your PILs then stop talking to you, when you're only trying to protect the poorly little girl? How can the other parents possibly paint you in a negative light when you're trying to protect their DD?

gorionine · 14/12/2010 17:01

I would not send my DD. I most of the time can find a possible positive outome for things but in this situation I have loked and looked for one and cannot see any.

They said your DDlacked personality by not defending herself when she was 1yo there is very little chance they will have more consideration for her now she is older. I amm really struggling as well to understand your ILS. What is in there for them? It fels like they are throwing their own GC to the lions.

Mumbar also makes a very good point about even more reasons for you definitely being present should the play date go ahead anyway.

jessiealbright · 14/12/2010 17:05

Well, if we try and think positively, maybe the other family just don't want to see the OP and her husband because the OP was unwittingly tactless. When you're very stressed, worried, unhappy, and all that, you can seize on an inane remark and just focus your rage on it. But however understandable that is, it doesn't make for a good situation to put the OP's five year old in.

bruxeur · 14/12/2010 17:07

When was that then?

gorionine · 14/12/2010 17:10

Jessiealbright,What tactless remark? Have I misses a bit? Are you talking about OP saying to the parents of the girl (before she was poorly) that the girls did not really get along?

BoysAreLikeDogs · 14/12/2010 17:15

I'll bet they want to get a blood sample from her

Alouiseg · 14/12/2010 17:16

Actually your husband should be dealing with this.

bruxeur · 14/12/2010 17:17

Ms Albright better have bloody good reason to be calling the OP tactless and inane. Because that's quite close to a personal attack, and is anyway just unnecessary.

c0rnsillky · 14/12/2010 17:18

Something's not right. Don't send her - make up an excuse if you have to.

saffy85 · 14/12/2010 17:19

We've only got OP's side of this but I don't think she's the one who has been tactless. Her MIL on the otherhand....

traceybath · 14/12/2010 17:20

I presumed Jessie was refering to the orginal meeting to discuss the children not getting along and it causing them stress.

Because on the surface that seems quite odd unless the other child was about 5 years older and being really awful - don't most of us just move our babies out the way if another child is being rough or avoid contact for a bit if a toddler is going through a biting phase or whatever or just say to the child 'gently' etc.

But all the animosity seems to have come from that one discussion on the other people's parts unless there were issues beforehand.

jessiealbright · 14/12/2010 17:20

Oh, I think I've got confused about the timeframe here. Disregard what I said. I was forgetting that the acrimony predated the little girl developing cancer. I was remembering a thread once where a parent of an ill child posted about how upset someone's promise to pray for their little boy had made her.