To resent this ....

[Goldenbear]

I will be spending Christmas with my DP and DS at my mum's house which is 4 1/2 hours away. After staying at my Mums we will be driving back down the country with my Mum to visit DB and his family. It is a 3 1/2 hr drive from my Mum's house so we will all be staying the night. My Dad will also be staying at DB's house although my Mum and Dad are divorced, they are friends and will both often be present for family meals, birthday parties for the grandchildren. Considering the size of the dinner party that night I offered to bring a dessert for 6 adults, happy to ease the pressure on DB and SIl.

Anyway, they have taken this offer to mean I will do any course and I have now been told that I will be buying and cooking the main meal. I am allowed to use their kitchen or they are happy for me to bring something cooked in my mum's kitchen!

I am feeling resentful over this for a few reasons- we are paying a fortune in petrol to visit them, we have a long journey and I will be 30 weeks pregnant by then and will not really fancy going straight to the kitchen to prep the evening meal after traveling 3 and 1/2 hours. Finally, my DB has a very good job, they are very rich, we are not very well off, is it unreasonble to expect to not pay for the petrol to visit and the main evening meal. The last time we visited DB we paid for a restaurant meal for my nephew's birthday and the petrol to get to my DB's for the day, which in total cost us 80 pounds. They never visit us I think because we live in a 2 bedroom flat and because we only have 1 3 year old DS and they have 3 children.

I don't want to ruin my relationship with DB and his family but I am really starting to resent this attitude. Am I being unreasonble?

tnmn

Was assuming that it was sil who didn't want to cook as she was the one sending the email.

Was using "you" as a plural meaning neither op or op's dp should have to do the cooking.

To be honest I feel a little sorry for sil if db has arranged something she doesn't want BUT she should sort it out with db and also cut back on her side of the family equally and not lay all the work on dp/op.

Sorry was so cross that sil had suggested that that I didn't make myself clear.

After your latest update, I think your brother can stick his sense of entitlement to you cooking up his arse, frankly.
I would also tell them that if they insist on being so crass as to make a 30w pg woman cook because they cba to themselves, then you will be bringing ready-made meals from M&S and they have the choice of liking it or making it themselves.

Seriously woman - stand up for yourself here!! :)
And what does your DH think of this? Is he happy for you to be put upon in this fashion? If you really can't do it yourself, I'd be getting him to tell them where they can stick it - long journey, followed by a cup of tea and a sandwich, then 3 hours cooking while 30w pg --> high possibility of you fainting, IMO. Then no one would get any food because if you do collapse, you'd have to go to hospital to get checked out (well, probably not really, but I'd play on it)

can you just email her back and say ''really sorry, I don't think I could cook a main meal after such a long journey and also I feel so exhausted/uncomfortable being heavily pregnant right now. I'm still happy to do the pudding though. Have a few ideas about what to make.

It's really not right for them to expect you to travel hours to get there and then spend hours cooking.

ok goldenbear. so stand up to her and say no, like we're all suggesting you do!

Why not suggest to her that you bring a starter (smoked salmon, piece of piss to do once you get there) and a dessert (it doesn't sound like you are going to bring some shite - can I suggest a lemon and lime roulade from cook? yummy and it can defrost in the car on the way to your db).

One thing we don't know is how you worded the initial contact - was it via email? Did you say could you bring anything like dessert? and they said actually would be great if you could bring main and we shall provide everything else. If they are hosting you with their vino at £20 a bottle I guess 6 adults (bar you obv ) can put away a fair amount.........

I agree it is shite of them to ask you to do the cooking once you get there after driving all that way but again obviously I read you op wrong as was under the impression you were arriving and going straight into the kitchen (which obv you aren't), why not suggest you bring a big chicken and your sil does all the other bits to go with it (more pita for her ). I do think there is a solution here, I guess I am lucky as in my family whatever the house we all chip in somewhere. It was dd's bday recently and sil brought a bottle of champagne, p's brought pudding and dsis brought some snacks to start off with. Is there anyway your dm could help out? Is that was sil was thinking?

Sorry, still think for me there are quite a few unanswered questions, however I would say yanbu to not want to get there and go straight into the kitchen but would expect you to help out in the kitchen regardless whilst you were in my house. (And in this house it means just standing in the kitchen chatting to me and keeping my glass filled! or emptying the dishwasher!)

Goldenbear - have you emailed / rung them yet to tell them no?

Goldenbear - I don't think YABU to resent this - there's no way I'd ask guests who'd had a long car journey to head into the kitchen to make dinner!

However, if the worst came to the worst, and you weren't able to sort this out, could I suggest spaghetti carbonara - it is very quick indeed to throw together, especially if you grated the parmesan ahead of time in a food processor and took it with you.

e-mail them back saying you can do dessert not main for whatever reason you like. If you get no answer then assume you are doing dessert. When you get there and there is no main course let them order a takeaway

Don't let them dictate to you it sounds like you have a hectic enough christmas with all the travelling

Have spoken to my dad about this who is prettyl outraged on my behalf - it is a long running issue with them. He joked how he is being invoiced for Christmas day stay but has told me he wants to pay for the main meal on the Tuesday night and will cook aswell. I am enmailing SIL this info and no doubt will have DB ringing me begging me to cook as my Dad isn't well that great a cook!

Figgypudding thanks for suggestions. In answer to your questions the whole issue arose because my DB rang me to ask how we were going to meet up over the Christmas period. I asked if they wanted to come over for new years eve dinner or any day after me return from my mums. He said no they would not as it would be easier if we came to see them as I only have the one DC at the moment. My DB said he needs to see mum so could I bring her with me on my return from her house. He said after a long 3 1/2 hour drive you must stay the night. I suggested it would be easier fir everyone if my family went home because of hosting hassle, I live about just under 2 hours from DB. He wouldn't take no for an answer and insisted we stay. Anyhow, as I knew it would be a hassle for linen etc. I said shall I bring a dessert then to counterbalance hassle - a gesture. My DB said yes that would be good. Then fast forward to Monday morning get an e-mail from SIL saying thanks for offering to cook. She would do us a sandwich on arrival and will have made dessert the night before so that I could have the kitchen to get on with the main meal.

Re expensive wine - yes it us a lot for them with 5 adults but believe me it won't be free flowing, at best 2 bottles will be opened and nobody wants the expensive wine as everyone knows it will be used as future ammunition when requesting more contributions for things they host. It's the in joke in my family how much a visit or meet up is going to cost you when you see them! We bring bottles of wine- mum, dad and myself but they get shelved as they are not good enough!

Effectively if id gone with their suggestion I would have had about an hour to say hello to niece and nephews and my dad who I haven't seen for 3 months as he has been working abroad and then would've been in the kitchen. Ok as you say this is not straight to the kitchen but it's not a great scenario in my mind after a 3 1/2 hr trip. In my family I.e when you invite someone for dinner you provide it. This is what we have all done for them - my mum, dad when he was with his ex partner and myself. They have never made a financial contribution or any food offerings. We see that as acceptable as they were our guests. The fact that I will be 30 weeks pregnant should be a consideration IMO. Yes if you offer to help with the dishes etc. This is a normal courtesy but my brother and I have not been brought up to expect our guests to help when they are in our homes- my mum and dad never dreamed of it and I agree.

Good on your Dad! Pleased to hear that someone in your family has some manners, consideration and sense! Tell your DB to get stuffed if he phones. Politely, of course.

If your DB and Sil sneer at your choice of wine, then why don't they leave you and your parents to drink your wine, and they can sneer away at you while supping their overpriced expensive stuff - that way you can still have a good time at your own expense. Well, not you, obviously as you are 30w pg.

Oh Dear! It sounds to me like a typical male interpretation of a telephone conversation involving complicated arrangements! He didn't listen properly and relayed a half-cocked version to your SIL who now thinks you offered to do dinner! Ring your SIL back, tell her your brother is a daft plonker who got the worng end of the stick, and that you will cut out the middle-man in future and liaise with her on all matters domestic! Keep it light-hearted and jokey and apologise for any mix-up. Then repeat your original offer.

It sounds to me like your DB isn't pulling his weight around the place when guests arrive, and SIL is fed up of entertaining his family while he relaxes.

TBH, I would expect him to do the beds, the shopping, and the bulk of the cooking, for his own family. Maybe SIL thinks so too, and having failed to convince him, is only left with passive/aggressive shit-stirring to register her complaint.

glad you've got your dad's support.

so what are you going to do about sil?

Thanks for clearing lots of little things that were at the back of my mind. Don't get me wrong I no way think yabu, they definitely are, what a way to welcome your guests. Would email back saying df wants to do the cooking and due to drive and my condition I am more than happy to pass the buck this year!

Really good luck, hate this kind of thing in families - I am very lucky but at the same time there are 20 of us when we all get together so a little bit of helping out each other is always gratefully recieved just because of the high number of people coming! (The joy of a large family, it is alwasy stew though!)

I hope this doesn't crap on your xmas, you sil doesn't sound like she was much involved in the decision for you guys to stay the night and therefore is taking the piss!!!!

Goldenbear, this situation is insane! Of course it's not reasonable to expect a guest who's spent hours travelling the country ferrying relatives about to turn up and cook a dinner whilst the hosts stay out of the way. You have every right to feel resentful about being put in this awkward position. And the above would still apply even if you weren't heavily pregnant.

I'd play it all as a misunderstanding when you talk to / email SIL -" I think DB must have got the wrong end of the stick from our conversation- I said we'd bring dessert , but he must have misheard. Obviously we can't make or bring the main course because we're travelling from mum's house, it's just not logistically possible and I don't want anyone to get food poisoning!"

TBH it might be that your brother has misunderstood, or passed on the message incorrectly (you say 'I'll bring a trifle' , he hears 'Goldenbear is cooking. Yay!')

If they are genuinely being snotty and expect you to cook as they are fed up with it, offer the alternative of them coming up to your mum's house where you and your mum would happily cook.

BTW we do a lot of visits to family and friends, and we also host visits from them. IME it works out about the same either way in terms of expense and hassle, though I imagine if you're only ever doing one of them (as your B and SIL do) it would be easy to feel put-upon without seeing teh other side of the coin.

Anything sorted out? [nosey emoticon]

What nbee said. I want to know what happens!

TBH it does sound like crossed wires: you offered pudding to your DB, and then he relayed that to your SIL as 'goldenbear will cook'. Hey presto, awkward situation.

Poor you!
keep calm at the moment! Try to reply when you can by email to your family. Surely doing all you've said is too much?

I hope this is now resolved Goldenbear! Am secretly hoping that you told them where to go as this is the most outrageous thing I've heard for a long time. I certainly would be driving on by if anyone in my family expected me to put up with that nonsense! Hope you have a nice Christmas whatever happens

It's the most outrageous I've heard, too, kando.

I would email, as everyone suggested, saying her brother must have misunderstood - there is no way she should make the dinner for everyone.

If there was anything said in return (apart from absolute agreement) then I would slow the car down to let my mum out and then keep driving.