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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent this ....

147 replies

Goldenbear · 14/12/2010 11:02

I will be spending Christmas with my DP and DS at my mum's house which is 4 1/2 hours away. After staying at my Mums we will be driving back down the country with my Mum to visit DB and his family. It is a 3 1/2 hr drive from my Mum's house so we will all be staying the night. My Dad will also be staying at DB's house although my Mum and Dad are divorced, they are friends and will both often be present for family meals, birthday parties for the grandchildren. Considering the size of the dinner party that night I offered to bring a dessert for 6 adults, happy to ease the pressure on DB and SIl.

Anyway, they have taken this offer to mean I will do any course and I have now been told that I will be buying and cooking the main meal. I am allowed to use their kitchen or they are happy for me to bring something cooked in my mum's kitchen!

I am feeling resentful over this for a few reasons- we are paying a fortune in petrol to visit them, we have a long journey and I will be 30 weeks pregnant by then and will not really fancy going straight to the kitchen to prep the evening meal after traveling 3 and 1/2 hours. Finally, my DB has a very good job, they are very rich, we are not very well off, is it unreasonble to expect to not pay for the petrol to visit and the main evening meal. The last time we visited DB we paid for a restaurant meal for my nephew's birthday and the petrol to get to my DB's for the day, which in total cost us 80 pounds. They never visit us I think because we live in a 2 bedroom flat and because we only have 1 3 year old DS and they have 3 children.

I don't want to ruin my relationship with DB and his family but I am really starting to resent this attitude. Am I being unreasonble?

OP posts:
perfumeditsawonderfullife · 14/12/2010 20:33

Rude beyond belief! I just would refuse their kind invitation to drive four hours to stand and cook dinner in a strange kitchen for nine. Not a very tempting prospect. And if she can't be arsed cooking, she shouldn't invite guests.

Dumstruck.

Why are you going by the way?

thatsnotmynipple · 14/12/2010 20:33

I don't think YABU but I see fellatio's point as well.

I do take issue with half of the responses on here though - was it written in the 1950s or something?

blackeyedsusan Tue 14-Dec-10 11:38:51

If sil prefers not to cook she shouldn't have invited people, and if db has invited people when she does not want to, you would be doing her a favour (and yourself)by not going.

And all the I/you can't possibly cook due to pregnancy stuff (I wouldn't want to either) but the OP has a DH.

I can't believe how many of you assume that only the woman could possibly be cooking.

Sad.

thatsnotmynipple · 14/12/2010 20:35

Oh, there's another one:

perfumeditsawonderfullife Tue 14-Dec-10 20:33:11
Rude beyond belief! I just would refuse their kind invitation to drive four hours to stand and cook dinner in a strange kitchen for nine. Not a very tempting prospect. And if she can't be arsed cooking, she shouldn't invite guests.

FellatioNelson · 14/12/2010 20:36

Loads of our friends are in households where the guy does all the cooking!

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 14/12/2010 20:36

I think if the op's partner was a capable cook it would have been mooted before now in the thread thatsnotmynipple. Not out of a sense of chainedwomandom.

thatsnotmynipple · 14/12/2010 20:37

Same goes in this house fellatio, that's why I think it's sad that so many people think the SIL should be doing the cooking in this situation yet no mention of the DB doing it.

thatsnotmynipple · 14/12/2010 20:38
nbee84 · 14/12/2010 20:38

So.... you started this thread at 11am - you must have emailed them or rung them by now!!!!! If not, why not?

As lots have pointed out you just explain there has been a misunderstanding as you offered to bring dessert.

Get on with it, I want to hear their reply Grin Wink

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 14/12/2010 20:39

Well we are only going by the op's info. The email re cooking was sent to the op by the brother's wife, hence the idea that she was in control of the kitchen/cooking. If the brother was the cook, would he not be doing the emailing and arranging?

Some people are determined to see offence anywhere, it's tiresome. This is a case of utter rudeness, inviting someone to your home but with conditions, not singing for your supper, bringing, cooking and serving it too.

thisisyesterday · 14/12/2010 20:40

to be fair in most households it IS the woman who cooks.

AND it was the SIL who e-mailed

hence replies being aimed at her.

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 14/12/2010 20:41

Your very obvious point did not go over my head, rude one. I know exactly what paranoid point you were making, i just don't think it is valid.

thatsnotmynipple · 14/12/2010 20:42

From the OP

"Considering the size of the dinner party that night I offered to bring a dessert for 6 adults, happy to ease the pressure on DB and SIl."

Yet you all think it's the SIL who should be cooking. How about the DB cooks for his own effing family?

I'm not offended though, bless you. Just think you're a bit, ummmm, ignorant Grin

FellatioNelson · 14/12/2010 20:43

This is turning into a BallsofSteel moment! Grin

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 14/12/2010 20:47

Sis was the one doing the emailing, hence the return communication was directed to her. Who actually did the cooking (or not, as is the case here) is irrelevant, male of famale, the point was hosts were copping out and guest being drafted in. Gender irrelevant.

I didn't say you were offended. And I am ignorant, why is that? Because I don't split hairs on who is not cooking in someone's home I neither know nor care about? Xmas Grin

Righto.

thatsnotmynipple · 14/12/2010 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

pink4ever · 14/12/2010 20:56

Why is this turning into a bunfight over semantics? Who gives a flying feck who is cooking as long as its not OP. YANBU-you do not invite guests for dinner and then tell them to cook it themselves. We are going to pils for xmas(3 yr in a row). I will be sat on my arse n wont lift a finger! If mil instists we go to hers then its up to her to entertain.
Grow a fecking back bone woman and say NO!.

thisisyesterday · 14/12/2010 20:58

nipple, you're being a bit aggressive Hmm

she's hardly a "fuckwit" jsut because she doesn't agree with you

SIL did the e-mailing, SIL is making the dessert.

everyone isn't going to write "SIL or DB" every single time. does it really bloody matter?

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 14/12/2010 21:01

Yes, she is making dinner Christmas day for her mother and her dh, and child. Sil will be busy cooking etc for her sister. All mentions of cooking are made by the op, and all mention females doing the cooking.

Do you think posters should tell her to get the brother and her partner to cook? One would have assumed that issue has already been discussed and found wanting.

OhCobblers · 14/12/2010 21:03

just finished reading whole thread.
am stunned beyond belief that anyone could be so rude to invite you to stay and expect you to cook - on what frigging planet do these people live?

DO NOT do anything bar take a dessert and tell them via a phonecall as sometimes emails get "lost" don't they?

let this be the last time that anyone attempts to walk over you.

utterly disgraceful behaviour of your brother (and SIL) and appalling lack of consideration and sensitivity considering you are so pregnant.

DioneTheDiabolist · 14/12/2010 21:03

Goldenbear, tell them that you offered to do dessert as you can't do mains at the moment (being pregnant, raw meat makes you hurl). Tell them your offer of dessert still stands.

Good luck.

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 14/12/2010 21:23

Despite my earlier suggestion of politely telling them to fuck off, which I still stand by, I have just remembered that I have been in a similar situation, of sorts!

The first time I came to Australia to visit my DH (then boyfriend), I arrived at 6am in Sydney. His mother had had both knees replaced a couple of weeks prior to my visit so was laid up (fair enough). Her sister was staying with her to help out as well. So - I managed to stay awake most of the day, had a nap at some point I expect - and then cooked the evening meal for everyone. Granted it was a seafood risotto - DH's excuse was that he didn't know how to do it; his aunt's was the same. But there you are - 24h flight, virtually no sleep and I got to cook for them all.

However, OP's situation is different - sitting in a car for such an enormous long time when you are 30w pg would be quite tiring in itself (how many stops would be needed for wees?) - and I cannot quite see why the OP is the only one being asked to trudge into the kitchen the minute she arrives. She is bringing two other adults with her, either of which could be said to be in the same position as the OP (guests in the house, using up linens/towels/hospitality) - why can't THEY cook something? Although I still think it is the height of rudeness of the SIL to translate an offer to bring dessert into cooking the main meal.

OP - what time will you be arriving at your DB's house? Presumably after lunch - but at what sort of time?

Fellatio - I understand your feelings but I think you are projecting your feelings about your own family onto the OP and hers - you can't know that her DB & SIL are the same as you.

FellatioNelson · 14/12/2010 21:26

No I agree - I did say in my first post that I was just trying to put another slant on the situation, from my own perspective. I never said that the OP was being U - I don't think she is actually.

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 14/12/2010 21:30

Sorry, Fellatio - it appeared to me that you thought she was being a bit U. Sorry to have misinterpreted that.

Original poster
Goldenbear · 14/12/2010 21:33

I have tried to ring DB but no response, no surprises there as he works late pretty much every night and then puts off phone.

My SIl and brother are cooking Christmas dinner for her family plus my dad. They will then have my dad stat another night, boxing day. They will then have know one until Tuesday afternoon when we arrive. So they will have to make a lunch of sandwiches and a dessert. This is the extent of their hosting. I am unsure why I should cut them some slack as if it is more demanding than my own situation. We will be driving 4 1/2 hrs to be with my mum for Christmas eve, until the Tuesday. My partner and I will cook everyday there as I would not expect my mum to wait on us for all of that time. Incidently, we are going to be with my mother as my brother asked 'which one' I would want for Christmas this year, mum or dad, I love both of their company but my DB was pushing me towards being with my mum as my SIL prefers my dad. I when then conveniently for them bring my mum to visit them on the Tuesday so it saves them making the effort to visit her over Christmas. I will then go home and host for my DP's mum and His brother. On the new years eve until the following Monday I will be hosting for my father. So in comparison I am unsure why my SIL and DB have any right to feel more put upon than me and find it difficult to appreciate therefore how this justifies me cooking at their home.

In my DB's house my SIL does do all the cooking as my brother says he can't cook. They have an agreement because he earns tons of money she runs the house, including their house budget, she is a trained accountant and sees her job as the house and investing their money. He has to make up for his no cooking in other ways at the weekend he usually does everything with the children at has to run around with lists of tasks.

My DP will cook as will my mum but my brother wants me to because he thinks I am a good cook!

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldenbear · 14/12/2010 21:52

thumbplum we will be arriving for late lunch but it will be a sandwich and then with this suggestion of me cooking I will have to be in kitchen by about 2.30 as children are young and they will all need feeding about 5.30. So yes I will have time for a hello and a cup of tea before I begin.

OP posts: