To resent this ....

[Goldenbear]

I will be spending Christmas with my DP and DS at my mum's house which is 4 1/2 hours away. After staying at my Mums we will be driving back down the country with my Mum to visit DB and his family. It is a 3 1/2 hr drive from my Mum's house so we will all be staying the night. My Dad will also be staying at DB's house although my Mum and Dad are divorced, they are friends and will both often be present for family meals, birthday parties for the grandchildren. Considering the size of the dinner party that night I offered to bring a dessert for 6 adults, happy to ease the pressure on DB and SIl.

Anyway, they have taken this offer to mean I will do any course and I have now been told that I will be buying and cooking the main meal. I am allowed to use their kitchen or they are happy for me to bring something cooked in my mum's kitchen!

I am feeling resentful over this for a few reasons- we are paying a fortune in petrol to visit them, we have a long journey and I will be 30 weeks pregnant by then and will not really fancy going straight to the kitchen to prep the evening meal after traveling 3 and 1/2 hours. Finally, my DB has a very good job, they are very rich, we are not very well off, is it unreasonble to expect to not pay for the petrol to visit and the main evening meal. The last time we visited DB we paid for a restaurant meal for my nephew's birthday and the petrol to get to my DB's for the day, which in total cost us 80 pounds. They never visit us I think because we live in a 2 bedroom flat and because we only have 1 3 year old DS and they have 3 children.

I don't want to ruin my relationship with DB and his family but I am really starting to resent this attitude. Am I being unreasonble?

If this is a re-occurring issue as EatingAnglePie is suggesting then see them less. Do not make plans that included them or join in ones that do. The resentment is only likely to get worse and will only be making you feel bad.

I think the birthday party thing is ringing bells to me but I can't find it!

Ring your brother & use the 'f' word - several times if you need to!!! Then ask him if he'd prefer trifle or cheesecake?

Tell him you're happy to cook next years Christmas dinner - and he can drive to yours & pick your Mum up on the way.

Personally I'd stay put for Christmas day & go visiting your family in the days after.

Despite lots of good advice on how to tell them no, the OP's last two posts have said:

"Clam, I wondered this myself, I suppose I could buy things in my mum's town before we drove down but it is quite a big hassle. My SIL said they were 'happy' for me to cook a casserole at my mum's or something that travelled well in her e-mail."

and

"I think it has to be a fairly 'posh' casserole as they have quite high expectations!"

Am I right Goldenbear that you are actually considering doing what your DB/SIL have told you?

Yes you are right to resent this, you are right to say they are being unreasonable, you are right to tell them they've got it wrong and your offer was to bring dessert, not make an entire meal.

YABU if you do what they ask after all (and it sounds like you are planning to cave in to them), you're just being a doormat if you do that.

Don't be a doormat! Stand up for yourself, just say NO!

I would reply:

Ha ha SIL very funny, you always make me laugh with your jokes! Trifle or cheese cake?

looking forward to seeing you all, love OP xx

oh for gods sake.

How rude to expect your guests to drive all that way and then cook the meal. not on. In any circumstance.

'I can't possibly - I can bring a pudding though'.

If there's any further comments about the stress etc then off to visit another time.

If you cook, you are being a complete wally and very weak.

Fellatio yes I can see what your saying if that was how it is but they never want to come to ours as my DB will say he has a house, the room for the children to play and will say it is easier for us always to come to theirs as they have to organise 3 children, we have one until the new year and it is therefore preferable for them to stay put. I offered to host but they said no for the reasons above. Believe me they would not be happy to stay in a travel lodge. It is not my fault we ate not wealthy enough to have a house, in this area we can only afford a 2 bedroom flat, my DP is an architect so its not as if we are the poor relatives or anything we are just normal and they are at a level of wealth that most people will never experience, that is why it is relevant. I cannot meet with their very high expectations.

I believe they justify asking for me to cook the main meal because they will be putting us up for 1 night. As you say bed linen and towels (although we bring our own) but we would rather drive on home and as we know it is a lot of effort. My DB insisted we stay. I am sure my SIL will have a lot on her plate Christmas day as she is having her sister over for Christmas dinner as her sister is expecting her 3rd child on boxing day. My dad will be staying Christmas day boxing day but I am ensuring my mother is not on her own by driving 4 hrs with my DP and DS to be with her. My parents are divorced so my DB said he would have my dad stay but they will not drive to my mums for Christmas in fact they have never been there for 1 Christmas since they have been together for 15 years.

In our instance you are very much wrong about hosting being more expensive than the petrol. As if we go and visit them for the day a round trip will take about 4 hours and cost 50 pounds petrol. The last 2 times we did this we had to buy our own meal in a restaurant for my nephews birthday and the time before lunch out and they cooked one evening meal at night. It cost us 80 pounds last time for a day visit. I know if they visited us it would not cost me 80 for one dinner including wine and dessert. This visit will be effectively 1/2 day with a night stay. They will provide lunch of a sandwich and dessert and a bottle of wine this will not be 50 pounds!

fellatio I think you have a point about my DB's wealth not being relevant but it is intimidating in the sense of not appreciating that we cannot afford the quality of offerings they expect, I.e a bottle of wine as a gesture is not going to be in the 20 pounds region. The casserole that they don't mind me cooking will not be made with meat sourced from the local organic butcher......it may just come from 'waitrose'! My DB would not be happy with instant custard, let alone powdered but your unhappiness with your guests offerings may explain why people are not happy to host for you.

this is crazy. did you make the offer of dessert to your brother and it got turned into 'do the cooking' in tranlsation to his wife?

How did this happen?

YANBU - they're crazy loons.

Tell them to politely fuck off.

In the off chance that you are lumbered with producing the main mean, may I suggest cheese sandwiches?

Just to clarify I am not going to my DB's for Christmas they are having his wife's family for Christmas dinner but they live around the corner so there will be no need for bed linen! I on their request to meet over Christmas period will be visiting Tuesday pm until Wednesday first thing. They are having my dad stay thw Christmas weekend but he has been asked to go home on the Monday and return on the Tuesday to have a meal with us.

I am doing my fair share of hosting over the Christmas period and will cook Christmas dinner at my mums. I am having my dad to stay new year's eve weekend and will be cooking a meal for Dp's family on our return from my brothers. So I am sure my SIL will be having a busy Christmas but so will I!

I understand that you are intimidated by their wealth, and their seemingly high standards, but I'm sure they really wouldn't grill you over dinner about whether the meat was organic and locally sourced or not, or even expect that it would be, if they know you are on a modest budget? If they would then they are indeed very rude, but I suspect that is a fear driven more by your feelings of inadaquacy about them rahter than anything they would actually say or do.

I agree that as you are heavily pregnant and doing a long drive, cooking at theirs is out of the question, and a bit mean of them to expect. I just wanted to make the point that without knowing about the history of who always hosts/caters/pays and how often this happens, it may not be so wrong of them to ask you to cook for once, and bring it along with you. It's so easy in AIBU to show other people in a bad light when we are only hearing one side of the argument - I was just reminded of a possible other side to the argument, based on personal experience, that's all!

If you have invited them in equal turn, and they have opted not to come then fair enough.
I have been to my BILs three times in 20 years! And one time we had to stay in a hotel because they didn't have room for us in their three bed house for just two of them.

On the food issue, YANBU. Not at all. Your offer to bring dessert was more than fair, and they are being cheeky by asking for the main meal.

On the subject of the petrol, maybe I'm missing something, but you're driving to them, you don't expect them to pay for you to get there do you? You comment "is it unreasonble to expect to not pay for the petrol to visit and the main evening meal" made me wonder what you thought was your responsibility. I don't think it's terribly unreasonable for you to pay for your own meal in a restaurent either, and the fact that your ILs earn more than you should not be a factor.

Have there been money issues in the past? Have they loaned you anything, or given you petrol money to get to them before? If so, they may be seeing the main meal request as a way of paying them back. I'm speculating of course, but I'm trying to understand how someone could actually reasonably ask that.

atyourservice I think this is exactly what happened. My Dp really does not want to stay as my SIL perfects the Martyr role with talk of the bedlinen needed to be washed providing meals etc. But my brother insists. I am not sure if is asserting his need to have his family included in their lives as my SIL's family tend to dominate their life but I understand this as sisters are often closer than brother and sister and her sister lives locally.

This is my first AIBU thread never mentioned them before.

Ha- sorry this won't help you but on a side note- I went to my GP this morning and asked for another prescription for citalapram and she readily agreed saying 'this time of year- Christmas- is not the time for women to stop taking it.' So true.

My sister and her husband have the right idea- one of their children is autisitc and gets quite upset by the change of routine at Christmas and for years now they have done nothing on Chritmas day but go and get a kebab!

It doesn't really matter about the linen etc you can't expect a pregnant woman travelling around the country to prepare and transport a main meal.

I suppose the question is whether it will be more stressful to get the food or to say no.

The 'Cook' suggestion is a good one.

YANBU and your BIL and SIL sound most odd. I can't stand it when guests start fannying around in my kitchen. Just the thought of getting a guest to start preparing a meal for everyone makes me feel odd.

Just turn up with a lovely dessert on the day and if questioned say you thought they were joking. What are they going to do?! They can make those sandwiches.

taintedsnow, no I definitely think it is my responsibility to pay for petrol to see them, of course it is but the way my whole family sees it is that you do not pay to go and see someone and then pay for your meal. When they are invited back no one expects them to pay for their food. I live a four hour round trip and they never visit me back, so never have to pay out on that front. I can categorically say they have never and will never lend me money for petrol - I don't need them to!

Normally, I would expect to pay for a restaurant meal but this was my Nephews party that only had close members of the family attending. I thought this was cheeky because you are put in a position, recieve a children's invite for a party you will be paying for. They chose to have it in a restaurant because they didn't want to make the effort at their house presumbly. If you turn down the invite you are effectively letting your nephew down. Wealth is relevant because they can afford this option themselves and just making the assumption that other's can to.

Just say it's hardly practical to bring a main course when you have a long journey to get there and you are not even coming from your home to start with! Why not suggest you all just get a take-away - and make sure everyone pays for their own!

Just email them back and tell the truth!

Say that because of the journey length and the fact that you're not going to be setting out from your own home you can't see how to make it work with you bringing the main course but that you would still like to contribute in some way. Then suggest:

1. You bring a dessert for everyone
2. You all get a takeaway
3. You give them some money towards the main course
4. They come to you, at which point you'll be more than happy to cook for them.

Just do it! You could have this all sorted by dinnertime!

Goldenbear
atyourservice I think this is exactly what happened. My Dp really does not want to stay as my SIL perfects the Martyr role with talk of the bedlinen needed to be washed providing meals etc. But my brother insists.

Then not only are they being very unreasonable but they are also being very rude.

Either send e-mail back saying you will just be bringing dessert or possibly help your brother out by following GlitteryBalls suggestion of take-out. It might also be worth telling your DB that this suggestion makes you feel your family is less than welcome at his house and given your pregnancy you expected a bit more consideration.

The paying when you eat out issue is something that is subjective to each family. In those circumstances, in my family, we would all pay individually. Obviously that's not the way it's done in your family, but everyone is different.

Thanks for the clarification on the petrol, I see where you're coming from on that one now. On the wealth issue, sorry, I didn't mean to imply that was specifically about the restaurant (I worded it badly I think!), I just meant that when we're talking about courtesy and politeness about invites, money shouldn't be the (most) relevant point.

Goldenbear - YANBU. I have a brother and SIL with a v. similar attitude towards me - used to get really wound up but now can't be arsed so take a diff tack. I've found being calm and assertive goes along way. You are guests and pregnant - SIL might resent having to entertain but that is an issue for her to resolve with her DH if she feels overwhelmed, not you.

If it were me I would just ring and say 'Thanks for having us to stay. Looking forward to seeing you all. I think my message about bringing some food might have got misinterpreted. Logistically it is not going to be possible for me to bring and cook a main meal at your house, especially at 30 weeks pregnant. I will be very happy to bring a nice dessrt for everyone'. Repeat 'Yes, but like I say I will be very happy to bring nice dessert' like broken record until it sinks in if any resistance.

You could just leave it at that or depending on how this would go down 'If cooking a main meal is going to be tricky for you, how about we order a nice take away and split the bill?'.

Hope that helps - and put your feet up woman!