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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent this ....

147 replies

Goldenbear · 14/12/2010 11:02

I will be spending Christmas with my DP and DS at my mum's house which is 4 1/2 hours away. After staying at my Mums we will be driving back down the country with my Mum to visit DB and his family. It is a 3 1/2 hr drive from my Mum's house so we will all be staying the night. My Dad will also be staying at DB's house although my Mum and Dad are divorced, they are friends and will both often be present for family meals, birthday parties for the grandchildren. Considering the size of the dinner party that night I offered to bring a dessert for 6 adults, happy to ease the pressure on DB and SIl.

Anyway, they have taken this offer to mean I will do any course and I have now been told that I will be buying and cooking the main meal. I am allowed to use their kitchen or they are happy for me to bring something cooked in my mum's kitchen!

I am feeling resentful over this for a few reasons- we are paying a fortune in petrol to visit them, we have a long journey and I will be 30 weeks pregnant by then and will not really fancy going straight to the kitchen to prep the evening meal after traveling 3 and 1/2 hours. Finally, my DB has a very good job, they are very rich, we are not very well off, is it unreasonble to expect to not pay for the petrol to visit and the main evening meal. The last time we visited DB we paid for a restaurant meal for my nephew's birthday and the petrol to get to my DB's for the day, which in total cost us 80 pounds. They never visit us I think because we live in a 2 bedroom flat and because we only have 1 3 year old DS and they have 3 children.

I don't want to ruin my relationship with DB and his family but I am really starting to resent this attitude. Am I being unreasonble?

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 14/12/2010 11:38

Do they really think stuff will keep fresh in the car for that long? Are they looking forward to spending Christmas week in hospital with food poisoning?

Tell them you are not doing it and risking everyones health.
If sil prefers not to cook she shouldn't have invited people, and if db has invited people when she does not want to, you would be doing her a favour (and yourself)by not going.

blackeyedsusan · 14/12/2010 11:41

Oh and it will not be you ruining the relationship. you are being entirely reasonable. grrrr

thisisyesterday · 14/12/2010 11:41

ahh sorry misunderstood that bit! did think it was rather cheeky

if all done by e-mail all the better, much easier to get out of it than face to face IMO!!

i would e-mail back now and just literally say "i'm so sorry, i think there has been a misunderstanding. I am happy to bring dessert for everyone. I am not able to bring a main meal unfortunately"

just leave it at that. don't offer any expl,anations that they can give you a way round. just a "sorry, no can do"

she can hardly reply saying "yes, you can"

FlamingoBingo · 14/12/2010 11:43

If it was an email, have you responded yet? Can't you just reply something like

"Oh, gosh! I really don't think I'll be able to do that, what with the travellign and being so pregnant. Happy to contribute some money towards something from M&S catering thingy, or, as I offered originally, to bring a dessert though.

Really looking forward to seeing you all!

Lots of love

Goldenbear
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx"

nubbins · 14/12/2010 11:55

I think at 30 weeks pregnant you are prone to having strange cravings right?

Email them your intended menu, say, anchovy lasagne with a selection of raw crudite and tesco value thousand island dressing and chocolate sprinkles.

If they don't have the sense to say they will cook, then you can always change your mind on the day and pick up some tins of soup on the way to their house 'because that is your new craving'

onmyfeet · 14/12/2010 12:00

Possibly they already have dessert planned, and didn't want to hurt your feelings? (I am being charitable). A casserole isn't the entire meal.
"Hi db & sil
I am really sorry, but not really up to preparing a casserole, with all the driving etc, and being pregnant, shall I bring dinner rolls instead? Or perhaps a cheesecake?
Love ds/sil xo"

OTTMummA · 14/12/2010 12:07

I would email back, ' that was a funny joke,, now what dessert would you prefer?
cheescake, or chocolate cake?

MrsNonSmoker · 14/12/2010 12:13

I can understand your reluctance to say anything but this is outrageous- its not even a case of being assertive its a case of if you give in to this what else will you be stuck with in future. Sorry Goldenbear you have to say no. And don't start with "Sorry ...!" Be strong - let us know what happens?

classydiva · 14/12/2010 12:16

Petrol costs you would expect to bear, however maybe your mother could help with those?

You could easily feed 6 adults on a tenner.

Prepare at your mothers a big huge curry with rice dishes.

FellatioNelson · 14/12/2010 12:19

Haven't read whole thread, but I want to put the other side of this. My BIL and SIL have leached off us (socially) the whole of the 20 years I've known them. Just because we have children and they don't, and our house is bigger than theirs, they always come to us because it's 'easier'. Hmm Easier for who exactly? I get to run around making up spare beds, cleaning, shopping and cooking for England and paying for everything, three times a year, even when I had very young children I always did this.

The truth is, they don't like entertaining, spending money, cooking, or having any disruption in their super-spotless house, and their super-ordered life. So it suits them very well to always come to me.

The only time they even bring a bottle of something is when my BIL has been given it as a corporate gift - and he actually tells us this as he gives it to us!!!! But SIL often brings the stuff to make a pudding so that's alright then. Hmm One year she brought some sachets of instant (add water) custard Shock and when we didn't use it she took it home again! Not that I wanted it, but really...Angry

If you think the petrol costs equate to anything like what it would cost you to entertain them all at yours for two days, then invite them to you next time - you'll soon find out. Wink

The fact that your brother is richer than you is neither here nor there. It's childish to think like that. You should all take your turn as hosts. I'm sure they wouldn't mind staying at a Travelodge if need be.

I realise that there are often practical issues that make it easier/better to always go to one person's house, but I do think that the people always being catered for should do their best to make up for it, and show their appreciation in other ways. Maybe you have been acting with a sense of entitlement for a bit too long and they are putting their foot down a bit?

If they've had a real house full over Christmas maybe they think between you and your mum you could rustle up a casserole or something, as they'll be running round making up clean beds etc? I admit I wouldn't ask you myself, but I'd certainly be grateful if you thought offer it.

Debs75 · 14/12/2010 12:33

Be strong and tell them you can't do a main meal. MY friend couldn't cook for her pregnancy as it made her hurl, try that. You need something easy, hence a dessert of maybe a starter but not a main meal when travelling. If they have already sorted a dessert then offer to bring some drinks, all non-alcohol of courseGrin

Fellatio What is wrong with instant custard?

FellatioNelson · 14/12/2010 12:39

I don' t mind ready made custard, but 'instant' add water stuff is horrid, and it separates and goes watery if you don't eat it instantly.

But the point is, it's fine if you are serving it at home, for a bog-standard weekday meal, but to my mind, when your only contribution to a special occasion that has cost someone else rather alot of money and time and effort, I think a sachet of 'add water' anything is lazy and cheapskate and shows a lack of effort and respect. But that's just me. I like to do things properly.Xmas Grin

FellatioNelson · 14/12/2010 12:42

So, to put it in perspective, if you offer to bring a main course and you bring everyone a pot noodle, or a fray bentos pie!

englandsmistress · 14/12/2010 12:42

here you:

www.cookfood.net/menu/Beef/lasagne-al-forno

Get two of these. You wouldn't receive any complaints from me!

Alouiseg · 14/12/2010 12:51

It's an absolute food safety disaster to transport non refrigerated food for any length of time!

A cold buffet should be thrown away after 2 hours and a hot buffet should be kept at over 63 degrees!!

Unless you have a catering van with cooking and refrigeration facilities you may as well cut out the middle man and bring them a petri dish of Salmonella!

If you take a pudding, make sure it doesn't have fresh cream in it because that is asking for trouble too!

maryz · 14/12/2010 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JimmyChooChoo · 14/12/2010 12:58

OP you haven't said that you will make dinner have you?I hope not.How dare they ask you to do that.
Please buy a £1.00 crap dessert.I hope they get food poisoning.

MissClavel · 14/12/2010 13:11

Ahh, this takes me back to when I was a child and my grandparents would come to stay, Grandpa always carefully transporting a casserole he had made earlier, wrapped in a blanket in the boot of the car.

He'd had a stroke a few years earlier and had totally lost his sense of taste. The casserole would be a mixture of very burnt and very raw - my Mum and her sisters called it 'salmonella stew' and would whisk it off to get it into the oven for as long as possible before serving it in the hope that the bits of meat might cook. I can still remember the utterly rank taste, but he was so proud of it, no one liked to say anything.

OP, maybe try that? at least they wouldn't ask you to cook again Wink

Gogopops · 14/12/2010 13:19

If you can't face telling her to sod off, how about suggesting a buffet from Iceland coupled with the appetising revolting
M&S pork belly squares?

Seriously though - does your mum know about this? Maybe she could have a word with yor db/sil or alternatively offer to help out with the main meal.

Good luck

Flyonthewindscreen · 14/12/2010 13:31

FellatioNelson, I don't think the OP comes over as being as a "social leech" in the same way as your BIL/SIL. If her DB/SIL really are annoyed at hosting, surely the honest thing for them to do is not to have agreed/offered to do it in the first place? Not to set it up and then make unreasonable requests for a heavily pregnant, frazzled from long hours of travelling with DC family member to bring the main course.

masochismTangoer · 14/12/2010 13:32

Are they feeding your mother or father? I am just wondering if they do not want to feed you and your DH and DC, ie they do not want you there, or is it everyone including them they are expecting you to feed.

I do think it is very odd to invite people to your house then expect them to bring their own food. If transporting food is an issue - perhaps you could do a supermarket shop get some quick prepared stuff delivered to their house - you would have to do that soon though as deliveries book up quickly round Christmas.

We did have a DH relative who seemed to have issue feeding me and DC when we visited - though that was more about her issues with her weight being pushed at us. We always bought food when there but also tried having a supermarket delivery prior to arrival which at least made it harder for her to object to me cooking especially as I ended up feeing her household to. It did not make me feel very welcome and we rarely visit now which she has complained about.

You could throw a strop and say that you now do not want to visit as it is all to much with your pregnancy and they can pick up and transport your mum about and you do what you want with your family.

FellatioNelson · 14/12/2010 13:32

No need for salmonella if you make it well in advance and freeze it, then transfort it frozen in a cool bag though. It is better to defrost things slowly anyway.

masochismTangoer · 14/12/2010 13:35

As Kamer suggests would your mother or your DP cook the meal instead - rather than putting you under pressure to cook after a long drive?

EatingAngelPie · 14/12/2010 13:45

you had another thread about them didn't you? about the birthday party?

EyeOfNewtToeOfFrog · 14/12/2010 13:46

YANBU!

Cook something cheap and quick - how about a vegetarian stir fry?

Even better, ask your DP to do the cheese on toast for everyone. (no matter if he's not much of a cook!)

...or you could be all grown up and discuss the logistics of this politely with your DB/his family and point out that being pregnant and travelling such a long way then rushing into the kitchen to cook is not really practical at the moment!

Could your family all chip in and bring something towards to main course to stop it being such an issue?

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