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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent this ....

147 replies

Goldenbear · 14/12/2010 11:02

I will be spending Christmas with my DP and DS at my mum's house which is 4 1/2 hours away. After staying at my Mums we will be driving back down the country with my Mum to visit DB and his family. It is a 3 1/2 hr drive from my Mum's house so we will all be staying the night. My Dad will also be staying at DB's house although my Mum and Dad are divorced, they are friends and will both often be present for family meals, birthday parties for the grandchildren. Considering the size of the dinner party that night I offered to bring a dessert for 6 adults, happy to ease the pressure on DB and SIl.

Anyway, they have taken this offer to mean I will do any course and I have now been told that I will be buying and cooking the main meal. I am allowed to use their kitchen or they are happy for me to bring something cooked in my mum's kitchen!

I am feeling resentful over this for a few reasons- we are paying a fortune in petrol to visit them, we have a long journey and I will be 30 weeks pregnant by then and will not really fancy going straight to the kitchen to prep the evening meal after traveling 3 and 1/2 hours. Finally, my DB has a very good job, they are very rich, we are not very well off, is it unreasonble to expect to not pay for the petrol to visit and the main evening meal. The last time we visited DB we paid for a restaurant meal for my nephew's birthday and the petrol to get to my DB's for the day, which in total cost us 80 pounds. They never visit us I think because we live in a 2 bedroom flat and because we only have 1 3 year old DS and they have 3 children.

I don't want to ruin my relationship with DB and his family but I am really starting to resent this attitude. Am I being unreasonble?

OP posts:
FellatioNelson · 14/12/2010 17:26

Yes, that wording is good, then say if they are a bit stressed and cannot manage to cook, then a takeaway would be a good idea.

saffy85 · 14/12/2010 17:30

YANBU- How the fuck did you offering to bring desert end up with you cooking the main course between driving several hundred miles over course of 2-3 days while 30 weeks pregnant?!

I agree with everyone else and just a quick phone call now to ask them "is a pavalova (or whatever) ok for desert on Boxing day, or will it clash with what you are making for the main?" If they mention you making the main meal again definately go with Luz's broken record idea. Grin

They have a bloody nerve by the way! Would be like going to a resturant for dinner and being told you'll have to wash up your own plates!

Original poster
Goldenbear · 14/12/2010 18:15

In the e-mail I received this morning my SIL has worded so that it is a given that she is making dessert and that she will stay out of my way whilst i am in their kitchen cooking and I can use anything, spices etc in their pantry to cook the main. So in response I will have to say there has been a misunderstanding.

taintedsnow no the restaurant scenario is not normal in our family when it is a party invite. My dad has huge issues with this but I get the impression it is normal in my SIL's family - paying your way, party or not and it has therefore become the norm in my family when we (mum, dad, me) see my brother. The reason I posted on this section is because I am unsure whether my DB sees it like you and maybe I am not being courteous if money is an aspect of my resentment, I.e petrol, buying the main meal.

My DB will not be happy with a takeaway suggestion. My SIL has said to me in the past that he likes a good homecooked meal instead but I don't know if that is her view rather than his as she told me this when he wasn't present.

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 14/12/2010 18:24

Just email her back and say you will bring the dessert. No more, no less.

pawsnclaws · 14/12/2010 18:28

I think we're all missing the easiest solution. Pombear, anyone? Smile

masochismTangoer · 14/12/2010 18:41

Can you ring your brother and sort the meal/meals out directly with him? Tell him you can only do dessert or suggest a take away pointing out all the problems with you doing the main meal. It does not sound like your SIL is going to make you very welcome what ever you do.

IAmReallyFabNow · 14/12/2010 18:47

I think your SIL sounds very, er, different. Sending guests home then telling them to come back the next day for a meal. Inviting people for a meal and sleep over and then telling them to make the main meal. Nice of her to say you can use the spices though Hmm.

You need to decide if you even want to go. Then if that is yes, decide if you are going to tell her you offered pudding and that is what you will bring.

In future be prepared for her. It all sounds such a drag tbh.

Ealingkate · 14/12/2010 18:50

I have had a similar situation with my SIL, it weird isn't it how you think that having been pregnant, somehow they will remember and empathise.
If it were me, I would call my brother and talk to him about it. It seems a very strange request for you to start cooking when you arrive. Does he know that this is what you've been asked to do??

Ealingkate · 14/12/2010 18:51

x posted with Tangoer

thisisyesterday · 14/12/2010 18:53

FGS, just e-mail her back, say there has been a misunderstanding and that you have never offered to bring a main meal. It would be totally unrealistic, but your initial offer of dessert still stands, or perhaps some things for tea later in the day?

Casserole · 14/12/2010 18:56

It doesn't MATTER that you know he won't be happy with the takeaway suggestion.

The point is that you will then have been clear about what you ARE happy to do, and offered other solutions for the bits you aren't happy to do.

Stand UP for yourself!!

ChasingSquirrels · 14/12/2010 19:09

JUST SAY NO.

E-mail:
Dear SIL, as you know I offered to bring dessert and I am happy to do so.
I am not bringing or making the main course.
If you would like me to bring dessert please let me know by x-date.
Thanks, Goldenbear.

Do NOT say sorry in this e-mail, do not apposition for not doing main course.
They are being completely and utterly selfish and unreasonable.

ChasingSquirrels · 14/12/2010 19:10

apposition ?? apologise

thisisyesterday · 14/12/2010 19:24

using iphone chipping??

maryz · 14/12/2010 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

earwicga · 14/12/2010 19:43

YANBU!!!

Don't know why you are going anywhere tbh. Stay at home and enjoy your xmas.

warthog · 14/12/2010 19:49

hmm looking at it from your sil's pov she's doing an awful lot of hosting / cooking. seems to me like she's feeling resentful - not of you, but all the work - and is trying to offload on you a bit.

cut her a bit of slack by not taking offence, but i agree that you shouldn't make a main meal.

i would say that logistically that option doesn't work for you but you are still very happy to contribute the dessert.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 14/12/2010 19:54

OMG your DB and DSIL are beyond rude - you DON'T invite people to stay and expect them to cook! Especially when they have travelled hours to see you!
Tell your DB that you are his sister not his skivvy Angry

FellatioNelson · 14/12/2010 20:09

Kara I'd agree if it was friends and the invitations went alternately, but if it's family, and an ongoing situation, and one household always gets the work/expense I don't see why the workload/expense shouldn't be more equally split sometimes. OK, it's unfortunate that Goldenbear is PG at the moment, but I agree with warthog.
Not digging at Goldenbear, but sometimes people are too reliant on the ones who always do the inviting and the paying.

AccidentalAcelotyl · 14/12/2010 20:15

Do not email them. Email is how these problems start.

You need to telephone them and speak to them in person, have a conversation where you can tactfully point out that its impractical to transport a casserole for 3 hours in a car/that you won't feel like cooking a meal after such a long journey, being pregnant and all.

I think you want to have the conversation with your brother not your SIL. I think she's resenting having you to stay after having already had the hard work of hosting her own family the previous day. Which is kind of understandable, but not fair on you. Your brother needs to know the situation and he needs to make sure that you are made welcome in their home, ie that they cook you a meal when you get there. If he doesn't then I would say to them both that you are going to find it just too much to do the long drive and cook for everyone when you get there, therefore you won't be coming.

maryz · 14/12/2010 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FellatioNelson · 14/12/2010 20:23

No, I agree maryz. And I think asking for/offering a £££ contribution is a bit crass.

But to be fair, I've just transported a frozen casserole without any problems whatsoever (offered, not asked for Grin) for five hours, so it is do-able, whereas transporting an assembled pudding is sloppier, and more fruaght with problems.

But this is not about the logistics/practicalities/salmonella risk is it? It's clearly about underlying resentment between both parties about expectations, standards, and who pays.

thisisyesterday · 14/12/2010 20:23

well fellatio i can see your point but I would also say, if you have a problem with it then either

a) don't invite people
or
b) TALK TO THEM!!! just say "we'd love to have everyone here, please could you all bring somethinhg towards the meal"

you don't just invite everyone, and then when someone offers to make dessert for everyone e-mail them with orders for bringing/cooking a main meal. esp in the OP;s situation of travelling a long way, having a ton of other stuff to do and not having piles of cash

it's just RUDE!

fedupofnamechanging · 14/12/2010 20:24

I would opt out of the whole thing and go home from your mums house. Tell everyone that you are feeling tired/unwell and just let your brother and SIL get on with things themselves.

Agree that your SIL sounds resentful regarding all the hosting she is doing, but that is no reason to be rude. She needs to sort that out with her DH.

If you are invited to someones home and travel a long way to get there, then you shouldn't be expected to cook your own dinner when you arrive.

FellatioNelson · 14/12/2010 20:31

I never have problem with doing all of the meal or all of the work. My personal problem is that we have a BIL/SIL who do not have children, have no money worries, have a perfectly spacious house with two spare bedrooms, no issues that make entertaining difficult, other than that they don't like effort and inconvenience and expense in their otherwise ordered and carefree lives. So for twenty years it has never occurred to them that I might like someone to make an effort for me for a change.

I'm not saying that this applies to the OP necessarily - only that it might, and we shouldn't automatically assume that her brother and wife are being U! Now she has explained the situation I'm happy to accept that they are invited there but choose not to go.