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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I pay MIL-is this normal?

122 replies

hairymaclairy · 12/12/2010 20:19

We have moved house to be nearer to DHs family, as Dh assured me that his mother would be able to take care of our baby when I need to go back to work (around 6 months).
MIL had been dropping hints for a while that 'so and so' got paid for it by their DIL etc etc.. Anyway, it transpires that for looking after our son for 3 days a week she thinks I should pay her 250 quid a month.
A few other things: MIL and FIL both smoke, I have asked them to take it outside when our son is there, they also have incontinent dogs (2 of them) in the house.
MIL does not work, and parks my niece in front of the TV for hours, or takes her in her pram to wander around the shops. She doesn't have much access to my niece for all these reasons.
I have tried to say something to DH but he will not hear of it as he loves his mother and won't upset her, and says I am being tight for wanting to work and not pay her for looking after our son. (DH pays for all other bills). Am I being unreasonable to not want my son to be there AT ALL? And , is it normal to pay MIL to look after your child??

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 12/12/2010 20:21

I am afraid that if someone smoked around my baby and didnt take care I was totally happy with, I would be getting rid of them, if yoiu are going to be paying not much less then the going rate for childcare you may as well hire someone you can have a business relationship with, whom you like and trust.

EricNorthpolesChristmas · 12/12/2010 20:22

YANBU!!!!!!! Pay a proper childminder. She's bonkers. GPs looking after DCs for love and doing the odd thing that the parents don't like is one thing, but being paid to do it badly isn't that helpful!

Littlefish · 12/12/2010 20:23

Don't pay your MIL. Find a fantastic childminder. There is no way I would put my dd for 3 days a week in a smokey house with 2 incontinent dogs, to be parked in front of the TV.

As a compromise, perhaps you could arrange for her to have him one day a week, or one day a fortnight.

MollieO · 12/12/2010 20:23

What are your alternatives? You don't have to choose your MIL but if you do it is reasonable to expect to pay them. Fwiw £250/mth for 3 days childcare is very cheap. When I did it I paid £45 per day.

Firawla · 12/12/2010 20:24

You really dont sound like you would be happy with her care. For that money im sure you could get someone else of your choice, maybe a child minder
I don't think most people do pay their mils for child care but really that's besides the point as you do not want her whether for free or for money, I wouldn't get sucked into the discussion of pay, just focus on the fact your not happy with it. dh will have to realise that it is not only his decision, and that if you are not happy with it then it wont work. He needs to consider his wife's feelings and child's welfare to be on a par with, if not above, his mum's feelings. Possibly his mum just wants the easy money from the way you have said it, so its not even that she is desperate to have and spend time with gc but the fact she's so quick to mention money suggests that could be her real motivation tbh.
Just say no from the start, it would be harder and cause more ill feeling to go back on it once you start down that road

NinkyNonker · 12/12/2010 20:24

Sound like you are getting worse of both worlds. You would be having to pay, but having to tiptoe round familial relationships as well. In my eyes one of the only bonuses to using family is the lack of cost...if you go to a professional you have to pay but you can 'dictate' the terms more.

I think I would be finding a way out of this for sure.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 12/12/2010 20:24

tbh having family doing childcare is FRAUGHT with difficulties

because it is MIL you cannot easily enforce boundaries around things like what she will feed him, where she could take him, no smoking around him

YANBU

(don't know about paying)

Balsam · 12/12/2010 20:24

YANBU to not want your son there, given the various issues described. You want him to be in what you feel is the best possible environment.

I expect most GPs are willing to look after their grandchildren for nothing, so it's unusual to want to be paid but not outrageous. You can't make her do it for free as a favour to you.

Basically, she has set out her terms, you know what's on offer and it's up to you (and your DH) to decide whether to accept or not.

CarGirl · 12/12/2010 20:24

Just say you want Grandma to be Grandma and be able to spoil your baby and the childminder to be the childminder who gets to do the horrible as well as nice bits

moomaa · 12/12/2010 20:25

YANBU for her not to want to look after your DS for 3 days a week, that is quite a lot and so the environment becomes much more important. However, it would be good for them to have a close relationship so maybe she could have one day a week?

I personally would offer to pay a grandparent for care but would expect 'mates rates'. As it happens my mums did do a few months 3 days a week and she wouldn't let me pay. I paid for various treats for her and all costs she incurred.

Dexterrocks · 12/12/2010 20:25

I would go elsewhere and give the excuse you want dc to have social interaction with other babies.

CarGirl · 12/12/2010 20:26

Ask Grandma to help out with emergency and holiday cover - which will hopefully not be often!

myermay · 12/12/2010 20:26

i don't think it's usual to pay a grandparent to look after their grandchild tbh. Although i would make sure i gave flowers the odd gift here and there to show my appreciation. I guess the only exception would be if you MIL was giving up work specifcially to look after grandchild and really couldn't affort to not work. But if you don't feel comfortable leaving him then don't. I'd be unhappy about the smoking around him, do they smoke indoors? It's not even legal to pay someone unless they are registered is it?

FairiesWearSnowBoots · 12/12/2010 20:26

I would never ever ever ever pay someone who smokes to look after DS!!! And incontinent dogs

I would use the "its not a good idea to mix family and childcare" card

DuelingFanio · 12/12/2010 20:27

I think it's fair to pay her but I also think you should put your child into some kind of alternative childcare and you and your DH should split the fees.

He's not expecting you to pay it all is he?

reallytired · 12/12/2010 20:27

It is illegal to pay someone for childcare who is not registered by OFSTED.

Tell your MIL that if she wants to be paid then she needs to get herself OFSTED registered. Ie. do a first aid course and up her standards on childcare.

I think you need to find PROPER childcare. Clearly your MIL does not want to do free childcare. It is her right to say no.

OTTMummA · 12/12/2010 20:27

DON'T DO IT!!!!
Find an alternative childcare plan.
Seriously, It is cheap care, but there is a reason, and it isn't because she's grandma.
She sounds like she just wants the money tbh, especially if shes not too bothered about how you want your son to be looked after.

AntonDuBurk · 12/12/2010 20:27

Hmm, my MIL would certainly never dream of asking for money for the day a week she has my DD. I'm not sure it's even legal to pay someone (even family) who isn't OFSTED registered but I may be wrong on that.

LOADS of other issues here too though IMO. Whilst my DD and MIL have benefited hugely from the one day and I'm one of the (apparantly) few who has no issues with my MIL at all ref my "parenting preferences" I'd probably still hesitate to send DD there for three days.

TBH if you have doubts of any kind, I'd be saying don't do it even if it were for free.

splashy · 12/12/2010 20:28

Yanbu for not wanting her to look after your child. The smoking on its own would be a dealbreaker for me. Even if they do only smoke outside their is still a risk from 3rd hand smoke. And incontinent dogs?

Personally my mother would never ask for money to look after her grandchild and I imagine few would. Could imagine my MIL would ask for money but she isn't a very nice person and I would never leave my baby with her.

taintedsnow · 12/12/2010 20:29

Look at it this way;

If MIL was a 'normal' childminder, would you be happy leaving your DS there? Familial relationships and loyalties aside, since we are talking about the care and welfare of your DS, you have to be a bit ruthless with your decision here.

MIL does not sound to me like a very good option, and that doesn't even take into account the money issue.

harecare · 12/12/2010 20:30

yanbu and to back your argument it is actually illegal to receive a reward of any kind for looking after children unless you are a registered provider.

HelenRosie · 12/12/2010 20:30

Pretty sure you have to register as a childminder if you take payment.

hairyfairylights · 12/12/2010 20:31

Firstly, YABU to leave your child with your PIL, bearing in mind all that they do that you find unsuitable.

Secondly, you should pay anyone willing to mind your children while you go back to work.

Original poster

hairymaclairy · 12/12/2010 20:32

I like some of the suggestions, Cargirl, I think I will use that one-I can't even bear thinking about him in that house, even if they do smoke outside, it's doing my head in! DH will not discuss it though, and says his mum will be devastated if she can't look after him and I choose to put him in daycare...feel like I am between a rock and a hard place.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 12/12/2010 20:34

You could offer the ILs one or half a day per week???? It is good for dc to have relationships with non-abusive grandparents even if their idea of care isn't quite the same as yours.

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