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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I pay MIL-is this normal?

122 replies

hairymaclairy · 12/12/2010 20:19

We have moved house to be nearer to DHs family, as Dh assured me that his mother would be able to take care of our baby when I need to go back to work (around 6 months).
MIL had been dropping hints for a while that 'so and so' got paid for it by their DIL etc etc.. Anyway, it transpires that for looking after our son for 3 days a week she thinks I should pay her 250 quid a month.
A few other things: MIL and FIL both smoke, I have asked them to take it outside when our son is there, they also have incontinent dogs (2 of them) in the house.
MIL does not work, and parks my niece in front of the TV for hours, or takes her in her pram to wander around the shops. She doesn't have much access to my niece for all these reasons.
I have tried to say something to DH but he will not hear of it as he loves his mother and won't upset her, and says I am being tight for wanting to work and not pay her for looking after our son. (DH pays for all other bills). Am I being unreasonable to not want my son to be there AT ALL? And , is it normal to pay MIL to look after your child??

OP posts:
thatsnotmymonkey · 12/12/2010 20:35

Oh god! I would say that your company is able to offer subsidised childcare, but only with certain CM/Nurseries, so unfortunately you will have to go with that, but of course your baby will be around for spoiling at other times!

You have to put baby 1st, and if you upset MIL/FIL then so be it. Stand firm.

fartmeistergeneral · 12/12/2010 20:35

Haven't looked at the other replies, but my MIL would kill to look after my DCs and would NEVER expect to be paid. That's not the same thing as ME expecting not to have to pay her. She wouldn't dream of accepting money. How bizarre!

Definitely wouldn't pay her, if I had to pay for childcare, I would go to a childminder - the whole idea of paying a MIL to look after her grandchildren is a minefield!!!

ravenAK · 12/12/2010 20:36

Find some research to show that early exposure to dogs & fags causes later asthma, or something (I bet it does) & go to work on dh.

Focus the discussion on how the environment wouldn't be suitable, & how hurt his poor mum would be if you started using her for childcare & then stopped. Explain how your mate's CM runs around toddler groups & activities all day, & that obviously poor MIL wouldn't be up to it...too much to ask...

The money's not really the issue here, although I can see that if it were to be offered free that might make it a more attractive prospect!

Could you compromise by agreeing that you'll pay MIL for any evening babysitting you need (ie. in your own house, away from the animals & the smoke, & when dc would be in bed anyway)?

muddleduck · 12/12/2010 20:36

So she has another gc that she isn't allowed much access to?

Invite the parents of this child around and ask them to be brutally honest about the issues in front of your Dh. You are not going to work the issue out until you are both on the same page in terms whether she is likely to provide suitable care.

You have to tread carefully. This is not about slagging your mil off. It is about agreeing whether she can provide the type of care that you both want fir your dd.

Original poster
hairymaclairy · 12/12/2010 20:37

Duelingfanio-no, that'd be me paying her- DH pays for all other bills and said I would have to pay MIL.
I think MIL expects a 250 quid/no questions asked and I know for a fact she wouldn't do OFSTED training.

OP posts:
fartmeistergeneral · 12/12/2010 20:37

I meant the 'how bizarre' to the idea that she wants paid.

I don't know, it just seems odd to me. Maybe it depends on the relationship between you and your MIL and your MIL and your children. My MIL would do anything to be nearer to them and would look after them full time if she was able (and if I could be arsed working full time Grin)

heymango · 12/12/2010 20:38

As everyone else has said, no way can you leave your baby with your MIL. The money is irrelevant really.

I honestly wouldn't even visit mine if they smoked in the house.

You need to convince DH - show him some passive smoking literature - and tell them, as others have said, that you want your baby to interact with other children.

Adversecamber · 12/12/2010 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hairymaclairy · 12/12/2010 20:39

muddleduck- I have explained this to DH (and the asthma etc) my BIL/SIL will not leave their daughter there for any reasonable length of time because of the smoke and unhygienic aspect with crawling child/incontinent dogs Shock
But DH is a bit like an ostrich, he knows what it is like but refuses to discuss it and gets really angry when I do, so I can never have that conversation with him.

OP posts:
SandStorm · 12/12/2010 20:39

I'm not sure on current legislation but I'm pretty sure that if there's a financial arrangement in place then your MIL must be registered as a childminder which then opens a whole new can of worms.

Personally I'd find an alternative child care solution.

LifeForRent · 12/12/2010 20:40

Pay or no pay, do you think leaving your baby there is a good idea?

muddleduck · 12/12/2010 20:41

Nothing necessarily odd about paying family for childcare.

BUT I would only pay if ofsted registered and giving the same (or better) type of care as a professional, ie no smoking, minimal tv etc.

fartmeistergeneral · 12/12/2010 20:42

Sure Sandstorm is right. When money is exchanged it is a whole different situation.

And I totally agree about the smoking. Would never leave my child in a smoking household - family or not.

And incontinent dogs, eughh, have 3 x dogs myself and I would never let a child crawl anywhere near where incontinence has taken place!!!!!

DuelingFanio · 12/12/2010 20:43

Is it his brother or his sister who won't leave their child there? Could whoever it is have a word with your DH and make him see sense?

muddleduck · 12/12/2010 20:43

Odd way to organise finances... Where one partner TELLS the other what they will pay for. But that is a whole other thread.

ohdearyme11 · 12/12/2010 20:43

Knowing that they smoke and their dogs are pissing everywhere I'm amazed it was only when money was mentioned you questioned the arrangement.

mamas12 · 12/12/2010 20:44

you are going to have tell you dh that nothing will be happening until you have that discussion.

Stop and think about how worried and stressed you will be at work and then all the arguments when you do have to say something and then end up like the other dg and not going there.

Much better to be the spoiling gp than the minefield of a paid one.

muddleduck · 12/12/2010 20:45

You have to find a way to have this conversation.

She is you child too. He dies not get to make decisions on his own.

ravenAK · 12/12/2010 20:46

Scare dh & mil with talk about how your sister/mate/someone on t'internet Wink paid their MIL for childcare; she wasn't Ofsted registered; someone grassed them up & she had to go to court etc tc?

I did this a few years ago when I needed a CM & a friend of mine was enthusiastically pushing her SAHD dp at me (he's incapable of managing his own dc & their house is a health hazard...)

Does the Ofsted thing apply to gps?

marriednotmulled · 12/12/2010 20:46

My ex MIL looked after DS in our home for the first year I was back at work, and I paid her (at her suggestion) the financial equivalent of unemployment benefit as she had been out of work and had to sign off to care for DS. If it hadn't been for that, she'd have done it for nothing.

No dogs or smoking issues though, she cared for him exactly as I asked and they have a special bond still.

No way would I have allowed it if she was like yours. I understand your dilemma but your DH simply has to put the needs of his infant son over the feelings of his mum.

muddleduck · 12/12/2010 20:47

Sorry about typos. New phone...

pollywollyhadadollycalledmolly · 12/12/2010 20:48

As far as i'm aware it is illegal to take payment for childcare if you are not registered with Care Commission on OFSTED. And even if she did become registered she also has to offer her service to other people as well.

My DD went to my dads for 3 days a week and then she spend the other 2 days a week in private nursery. In the end i found it was too hard for my dad to watch her. I'm self employed and so is my dad so we worked around each other with days etc and dont get me wrong he was and still is fab with her but i felt it was alot for him to be doing. And he is young, (41 lol) so it wasnt anything to do with age or anything. I should add i didnt pay my dad either, and even if i had of tried to he would have never ever of taken it, as we are family and as far as we are concerned that is what we are there for! lol

I think by the sounds of things it is not the best place for your child to go to. The smoking? and the dogs? yuck!!! lol

Depending on your area you could get a CM for about twice what ur MIL is wanting, that is just rough est of course lol And that is not a bad price. Cos you will be sure ur DC will be eatting properly, socialising, not stinking of smoke etc and of course with a childminder or nursery there is no room for any conflicts of interest either.

ShiningWit · 12/12/2010 20:49

OP, would you let your MIL look after your ds in your (non-smoking) home? Is it the smoking and the dogs that bother you the most, or is it MIL herself (the TV is obviously not great, but you could set up a timetable of groups / activities that ds goes to).

If you definitely don't want MIL to do any childcare, then you have to be very firm with your DH and say that as you are the one paying for it, you will decide where ds goes.

Original poster
hairymaclairy · 12/12/2010 20:51

I didn't know the dogs were incontinent until my BIL (DH's brother) mentioned that was one reason why they didn't let their daughter go there very often/for very long. I had asked that the dogs be kept separately- actually, originally I asked if she could come to our house, but she said she didn't like to leave the dogs for so long.
As to the smoking- she told me she was going to stop (and she has cut right back to about 4 a day).

OP posts:
thatsnotmymonkey · 12/12/2010 20:51

hairymclarieYou need to get your DH to listen to you, maybe his siblings can talk to him about why they wont leave their niece there for any length of time?

I would be looking for a nursery/CM that I was happy with and going with that. No way would I be happy to go along with this family bullshit.