Should I pay MIL-is this normal?

[hairymaclairy]

We have moved house to be nearer to DHs family, as Dh assured me that his mother would be able to take care of our baby when I need to go back to work (around 6 months).
MIL had been dropping hints for a while that 'so and so' got paid for it by their DIL etc etc.. Anyway, it transpires that for looking after our son for 3 days a week she thinks I should pay her 250 quid a month.
A few other things: MIL and FIL both smoke, I have asked them to take it outside when our son is there, they also have incontinent dogs (2 of them) in the house.
MIL does not work, and parks my niece in front of the TV for hours, or takes her in her pram to wander around the shops. She doesn't have much access to my niece for all these reasons.
I have tried to say something to DH but he will not hear of it as he loves his mother and won't upset her, and says I am being tight for wanting to work and not pay her for looking after our son. (DH pays for all other bills). Am I being unreasonable to not want my son to be there AT ALL? And , is it normal to pay MIL to look after your child??

You can?t usually claim help with childcare provided by relatives, even if they are
registered or approved. You can claim if the relative is:
? a registered childminder or
? in Wales or Northern Ireland, approved under a Home Child Care Providers Scheme
but they must also:
? care for your child outside of your child?s own home and
? care for at least one other child who is not related to them.

Got that from tax credits :)

There is no way I'd leave my child with someone who smoked around my child, had dogs pooping everywhere and sat watching TV all day. It's not safe or healthy physically or emotionally. Go find a childminder/nursery yourself and put her name down on the waiting list. Put your foot down and say you are not prepared to compromise. Give him written information on the dangers of smoking round children etc .. and the importance of playing in a stimulating environment and socialising with other children. Can you also talk to your BIL/SIL about your concerns?

Everyone has already mentioned most of the things I was going to add.

Couple of extra things:
1 .If MIL is going to smoke outside, who will be watching your child for this time? (I can't even get time to go to the loo some days!)

1. There is no way of knowing how her dogs will react to your DC being there 3 days a week. - I say this as the owner of a big soppy German Shepherd. When I was pregnant we had to start intoducing new 'dog rules' right away as we couldn't risk the dog blaming the baby for restictions (not allowed on sofa anymore, no jumping up etc.) If the dogs get less attention once your DC is there they may decide to take it out on the child.

Don't give in on this. You DH needs to take your concerns on board.

I bet you wish you'd never moved closer to them don't you?

YABU for not wanting to pay her. She is giving up her time and making a commitment to this, why shouldn't she be paid?

However...

YANBU for not wanting her to look after your son in the first place. I think you should find a proper childminder. You could still ask her to look after him when you are going out for instance, so that she doesn't feel sidelined.

Completely echo what FullaDoll says.

Going to be a very tricky subject for you to resolve with DH though in my experience sons just can't see anything negative about their Mothers!

I'm all for communication but I'm almost tempted to tell DH that if he won't discuss it and it's "your" money going to pay for it then you'll do as you damn well please.

If he's willing to discuss it then you are happy to come to a compromise but you will not compromise just because he will not discuss it.

Also I know kids aren't dogs but if she can't house train dogs and she's at home all day what hope does she have of caring for a baby?

As others have pointed out it's illegal to pay her and it's unsafe for your baby.

Are you mad????

This is your precious child you're talking about! You need to look around at various childminders and nurseries and choose the one that you feel is right. And yes, it will cos considerably more than 250 a month, but that's an absurdly cheap amount, and besides, can you really approach something as important as childcare by looking for the cheapest option?

If she will be that devastated then she should do it for free!!! My MIL has looked after my son for a couple of days a week for free for the last 4 1/2 years, what they both get out of it is priceless. Although if she smoked and had dogs (DS is allergic) I wouldnt be too happy with it. Trust your instincts, you will be utterly miserable if you are not 100% happy with you childs care.

Good Luck, let us know how you get on

I would insist on paying if someone was taking care of my children. But I wouldn't want them to be in a house such as you describe, even without the smoking it sounds very non stimulating for the child.

PS Are you you sure the dogs being incontinent is true? Have pil ever talked about that?

I suggested that I paid MIL to look after our baby when I returned to work (very part-time so only a few hours at a time and not everyday). She never refused it. I paid her £5/hr, which isn't masses I know but she would sit and watch TV whilst he was napping etc (which was a lot!). I started using nursery as well as soon as he wasn't taking breastmilk anymore (they were funny about that at nursery), so she only did it for just over a year.

Even though my MIL didn't smoke and she only looked after my son for about 6-7 hours a week I wouldn't recommend having your MIL to look after your baby. I guess it really depends on how well you get on with her but it didn't add much to our relationship. If I had another child I definitely wouldn't do that again.

3 days a week is quite a big commitment and for that reason I don't think unreasonable for her to ask for a financial contribution.

However with MILs and infact all other carers you have to be happy with the care provided and IME however competant MILs are they will do it their way. As an example my MIL (who is lovely) looks after my DC if I am stuck (eg nanny away/ill etc) and she will not wake my DC up. One time she picked up DS1 from nursery and proudly told me he slept for 4 hours in the car in their driveway, even thouh I said to wake him as soon as he got home. Of course he wouldn't go to bed before midnight that night. And she gives him chocolate, even though I dnon't allow. Its much harder to ask for things to be done your way if you are not paying.

The smoking and TV are other issues, personally I wouldn't want my child to be sat in front of TV all day or exposed to smoke, but thats your judgement.

I agree with the other posters, tell her you are happy to pay if she is improves her standards - which means no dogs inside, no smoking inside, structured activities and very limited TV.

It is really illegal to pay grandparents who are not registered? Can someone point out the source as I don't think thats right. Either way its taxable on them and you don't get help with WTC etc.

OP, I had an almost identical situation with my ILs in relation to smoking around our LOs.

I dealt with it (probably wrongly by leaving the room with 8-day-old DS2 when my FIL lit up, and refused to return to that room, meaning we all had to leave - including my veyr embarassed DH.

I explained to my DH why I felt that way (I was an A&E nurse and unfortnately had specific examples to give and that was that.

There can be no compromise on your LOs wellbeing, and good on you for being up front with yor DH about it.

I had reservations about using a CM with DS2, after using a nursery for DS1, and now I can't imagine life without her, she's an absolute Godsend :)

YANBU at all. Under those circumstances I would NEVER use MIL!

Decide what you want/can afford regarding childcare and then TELL your DH what is happening. If he doesn't like it, then he can SIT DOWN AND TALK WITH YOU! If he won't sit down and talk with you about your issues, then he misses the opportunity to have any input into the decision!!!

If FIL is at home, then the dogs aren´t being left-or does he work?

If you don´t want it, don´t do it!

TBH, I can´t see anything wrong with paying-it would be three full days afterall, and it would enable you to work.

Not sure what kind of employer you have, but everyone I have worked for has offered a salary sacrifice scheme in exchange for childcare vouchers - in essence a 30% reduction in childcare costs. Obviously only redeemable with OfSTED registered providers...You MIL seems cute with money issues, so she would probably see your point.
Like the 'Grandma should be grandma', but childminders need to discipline one as well.

Hairymaclairy, where do u stay? x

FWIW I do pay my mum to look after DD for one day a week. HOWEVER she comes up from Banbury to London (£25 return train fare), stays the night (in our stuffy box room - London flat - then gets up with DD at 6.30ish) and literally does not leave her side until she goes back to Banbury at 4pm-ish. She is amazing with her and considering it's a major hassle for her it's the least I can do. It also has to be cash in hand and 'pocket money' rather than 'payment' as I think PPs have pointed out.

Therefore I don't have an issue with you paying your MiL. But I'm not sure it applies in your case as she is fitting your little ones around her, not vice versa, and it sounds frankly unpleasant round hers.

I have though to say if you DO pay MiL, it puts the power in your hands. She has to do things EXACTLY as you ask, as you're buying a service from her - thats the deal in my view.

I wont take money for looking after dgs but appreciate little things like being taken for a meal occasionally.

If it is any help the rule in my family is pay for work and not for pleasure.
MIL/Mum/Sis paid for minding when we go to work but not if we go the the cinema/dinner etc because we would pay a child minder during the day but family sit for free during the evening

Putting aside the fact she's your MIL, or even that she wants paying issues

Do you want your child being looked after by her.

If not, then don't do it. As other people have said use the illegal paid childcare reason if you want to avoid being the baddie in the situation.

Think long term. If MIL has your baby you will constantly woyying about them in her care. If you find proper childcare, MIL/dh might have a strop/sulk for a while but they will get over it (and if they don't, they need to grow up)

woyying = worrying!