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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I pay MIL-is this normal?

122 replies

hairymaclairy · 12/12/2010 20:19

We have moved house to be nearer to DHs family, as Dh assured me that his mother would be able to take care of our baby when I need to go back to work (around 6 months).
MIL had been dropping hints for a while that 'so and so' got paid for it by their DIL etc etc.. Anyway, it transpires that for looking after our son for 3 days a week she thinks I should pay her 250 quid a month.
A few other things: MIL and FIL both smoke, I have asked them to take it outside when our son is there, they also have incontinent dogs (2 of them) in the house.
MIL does not work, and parks my niece in front of the TV for hours, or takes her in her pram to wander around the shops. She doesn't have much access to my niece for all these reasons.
I have tried to say something to DH but he will not hear of it as he loves his mother and won't upset her, and says I am being tight for wanting to work and not pay her for looking after our son. (DH pays for all other bills). Am I being unreasonable to not want my son to be there AT ALL? And , is it normal to pay MIL to look after your child??

OP posts:
harecare · 12/12/2010 20:53

Ofsted registration applies to ANYONE who receives ANY kind of reward - money or chocolates to care for children.
Do what Raven says - blame it on the law rather than anything else. It's not your fault.
IF they then say they'll do it without payment just say that wouldn't be fair to them.
You're not happy about them looking after dc, so just don't do that, but pass the buck. It really isn't your fault, it's just the law! Grin

DuelingFanio · 12/12/2010 20:53

Definitely get BIL to speak to your DH. Perhaps he can make it clear why they don't leave their children there?

deepfriedcupcake · 12/12/2010 20:56

I'd second ravenAK, with the "I've heard they're clamping down at ofsted, so I'll only pay if you do the ofsted training (and so sort out the smoking and dogs), as we'd all get in trouble if we got caught out".

And/or point out how much more social interaction your son would get. Maybe MIL can take him occasionally, esp as he'll be much more of a handful as he gets more mobile and active.

Original poster
hairymaclairy · 12/12/2010 20:56

It's a small part of the whole issue I have with DH, to be honest (and I could do several threads on that Wink ) I think I will need to bring this up with him again, I just can't go back to work (which I am already dreading anyway) thinking about him at her house with the smoke and pissy dogs argh!! Will put the hard hat on and raise this thorny issue again with DH.......wish me luck, ladies Grin

OP posts:
PandaG · 12/12/2010 20:57

no - actually close relatives such as granparents or aunts can be paid without being ofsted registered, so that argument doesn't wash.

however, I wouldn't want to leave my child with someone who may be smoking, or has incontinent dogs around. agree with Cargirl, do the want grandma to be grandma line.

deepfriedcupcake · 12/12/2010 20:59

Good luck.
Oh, and check whether your or DH's work do a childcare voucher scheme, as it could make the costs less.

SandStorm · 12/12/2010 21:02

PandaG - I stand corrected. I wasn't sure how it worked with GPs these days.

muddleduck · 12/12/2010 21:03

Good luck.

This is about the two of you making decisions together in the best interests of your child. You have to find an outcome that you are both happy with.

thisismyboomstick · 12/12/2010 21:04

Surely if you are paying, then their house becomes a place of work and therefore it is illegal for them to smoke indoors at all; even when your child is not there.

SaggyHairyArse · 12/12/2010 21:11

Use a registered childminder, won't you get help with childcare costs via tax credits that way anyway?

nannynick · 12/12/2010 21:13

A RELATIVE of a child can care for that child without needing to be registered as a Childminder.

Legislation (England): Childcare Act 2006, S18
In which it defines: "relative", in relation to a child, means a grandparent, aunt, uncle, brother or sister, whether of the full blood or half blood or by marriage or civil partnership.

If you are not in England, then check your local laws. I expect Wales, NI and Scotland are very similar - though do check.

So assuming hairymaclairy is in England, then MIL does not need to be registered with Ofsted. However the money paid to them may be considered to be income, rather than you giving them a gift. Seek advice from someone who knows about the tax rules.

nannynick · 12/12/2010 21:17

You sound as though you don't want your son being cared for by MIL due to the smoking and general environment of her home. So that's good enough reason not to do it. Surely your DH can understand that being raised in that environment would not be the best of things for his son.

DH's brother may be of help to you given he doesn't let his daughter go there often... maybe he can convince your DH that care provided by MIL isn't that good an idea.

Baileysismyfriend · 12/12/2010 21:18

You do not have to be OFSTED registered to look after a family member and be paid, my sister looks after my DS and we pay her a small amount as they are on a low income, we checked with the local council, working tax credits and inland revunue and no tax or registration as a business is required.

But..... she probably wont know this so just say it illegal, I wouldn't leave a baby in that household to be honest.I hope you can get your DH to see sense, good luck.

MrsMooo · 12/12/2010 21:19

As someone who's MIL cares for their child DO NOT DO IT

Employ a CM or put your dc in nursery, seriously if your DH won't put his foot down about smoking and the enormous health risks of dog faeces+crawling child then what's going to happen when/if they don't follow your wishes with weaning/feeding/sleeping/routine?

On the issue of payment, actually I think YABU, they are giving up their time and deserve IMO to be renumerated, a CM or nursery would cost a lot more

I think your DH is BU to not be willing to discuss this with you, but YABU not to put your foot down. Be it inlaws, CM or nursery you should only be leaving your child with someone who will keep them safe and give them appropriate and adequate care. If they can't do that then you should not be considering them in the first place

ShiningWit · 12/12/2010 21:21

Ok, so if MIL says she doesn't want to do childcare at your house because she doesn't want to leave the dogs, your DH needs to be asking himself what your ds would be doing all day? Stuck in Grandma's house? Or going out for activities, park, playground, toddler groups, bus trips, further afield ... he needs to see that if his mother isn't prepared to leave the dogs for long then clearly she isn't in a position to give your ds the best care possible.

Can you ask him, calmly, how he thinks ds's day will go each day, what he thinks ds needs to be doing, what he thinks about the dogs etc. Don't tell him, get him to think proactively about what the realities are rather than just stopping at "my mum is great, I love my mum, so she should get to look after ds", which is clearly all the thinking he's managed!

TmiEdward · 12/12/2010 21:21

Money and family do not mix.
If you are paying, pay a professional.

I really wouldn't be happy with the level of care being provided by MIL.

MrsMooo · 12/12/2010 21:25

Sorry - I forgot to add that we do pay my PIL approx. £20 a day for the time they have DS, and we provide all food/snacks/milk/wipes/nappies. Most GPs I know get something for looking after the DGCs

Think yourself lucky that you hav a heads up on what they're like-I wish I'd had a reason to be put off having the PIL look after DS as now he's there it'd cause WW3 to take him away from them and put him in nursery

littletreesmum · 12/12/2010 21:31

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AppleAndBlackberry · 12/12/2010 21:31

I don't think it's unreasonable to pay a small amount, I wanted to pay my Mum who looks after DD one day a week but she wouldn't accept it.

However my Mum is great with DD, the TV is never on and she plays with her a lot, takes her to the park, talks to her and reads to her etc etc. I'm not sure I could leave her in the kind of environment you've described even if it is family.

Also I'm not sure about the legal aspects of paying her, you may find you have to employ her and pay tax on her behalf.

Al1son · 12/12/2010 21:44

Although feel bad about your MIL looking after your child now you will feel ten times worse when it is actually happening. You clearly don't feel able to trust her and therefore will not be able to relax and get on with your work. You will also resent your DH for putting you in that position which won't make for a happy home life. Everything you hear from or about her and what she does with your child will be seen in a negative light which won't be very healthy for you or you baby.

Regardless of the money it does not sound like a good idea. You need to bite the bullet and find some decent childcare. Tell your DH that you don't want to feel resentful of him or constantly angry and critical of her. If he doesn't like it he'll have to lump it.

starfishmummy · 12/12/2010 21:48

I wouldn't want her looking after ds if she was my MIL.

Legally she shouldn't be paid unless she is a registered - and inspected -childminder. COuld you suggest to her that to keep "everything above board" that she registers as a childminder?? THat might put paid to her ideas!

thatsnotmymonkey · 12/12/2010 21:52

I would not be chatting to my MIL about this at all, I would be chatting to my DH, he needs to be on board and when that happens the MIL issue will be sorted.

Good Luck!

ohdearyme11 · 12/12/2010 21:57

If you and your dh cannot agree together that this environment is not good enough for your soon then tough shit.

I know a girl that is a child minder and she is a smoker but the little ones mother thinks she is a non smoker.

ohdearyme11 · 12/12/2010 21:57

Son, not soon!

SantasENormaSnob · 12/12/2010 21:57

Childs needs trumps mils feelings.